Grandma Babysitting Lets Kids Do Anything They Want

All children need a schedule to be on and proper eating habits. SHAME on grandma!!! You keep the rules going, you're the mom and you know what's right.

Don't keep candy in the house. Have meals pre-prepared. Call and ask her to put him down for a nap at a certain time.

Tell her that she is the grandma and when they are at her house visiting then she can do what she wants, but when they are at home they need to have to consistently follow the rules because they get confused and give you and the hubby a hard time.

My mom is so soft now me and my brothers barely recognize her. We often joke and ask her who she is and what her alien race has done with out mother.

The only time it annoys me is when I'm present and she tries to supercede my instructions or discipline with the kids. I've had to talk to her privately about not interfereing because she's telling my kids that they don't have to listen to me or follow the rules. I reminded her that there would have been Hell to pay if her mother or MIL tried to interfere when she was parenting. She can tell you a story or two about her mom trying to tell her she wasn't going to move to Iceland with my dad while he was stationed there and how she politely put her mother in her place.

All I can say, is that I feel for you. We have dealth with this for 10 yrs with my mother-in-law. Just hope that when the boys are older she treats them the same & not favors one over the other. GOOD LUCK!

Seriously there isn't much you can do. You can tell her til your blue in the face what you want, but she is your mom, thinks she knows best and will do what she wants when you're not around. Truthfully, I don't think 100 heart-to-hearts change grandparent's minds about they should do or that they need to follow your rules. You have two choices: 1.) Continue to have your mom watch the kids once a week and expect to return home to two cranky boys and procede from there with your rules when she leaves, or 2.)Hire a sitter to watch the boys one day a week and not be all stressed out about the situation. Honestly I would go with number two for my own sanity. Tell your mom that you think its time to integrate the kids in daycare so they get more socialization if you don't wanna hurt her feelings. Or tell her the truth and maybe the threat of you removing the kids from your care will be an incentive for her to change her ways. You would have to follow through on the threat though, if she doesn't change. I know many people would say to just relax and let grandma have her way once a week, but I think this issue is obviously causing you grief once a week, and who needs to get aggravated that often about the same thing over and over. I too have parents that think every time kid is with them they should have her on a steady diet of chocolate and pancake syrup. She is lactose intolerant and has major constipation issues. Every time we get her back she has the worst stomach ache and can't poop for days. We ended the overnights about 8 months ago and now I or my husband accompany her for the visit at their house every she goes. We practically have to beat off the treats with a stick, but at least we are there to say no for her and she leaves with us without the upset tummy.....my parents have caught on and constantly ask when she can have an overnight visit again. I just reply that because of her stomach issues it is best for her to sleep at home. I know they think I am just neurotic, but I don't care....I don't have to watch my 3 year old crawling on the floor in pain when she gets home. I haven't laid it out exactly why she can't sleep over because I don't want to cause WW3, but I know they have caught on. Good luck I will get off my soapbox now!

Your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom. My kids are just 4.5 and 2.5 and they have adjusted to her way of things. She watches them once every 2 months or so (for the weekend) and I kid you not, my son comes back a totally different kid. So much that I now tell him if he acts up when he comes back home, he will not be sleeping over her house.

As far as why they do that. I think they look forward to just getting us upset. As far as the candy rule. I told my mom that the kid's doctor is the one that told us no candy until age 2. The reason being (and I lied) was that it increases their chances of getting diabetes, therefore they request no candy until age 2 (you can change the age if you'd like).

Yeah, our moms should follow the rules, but I truly think they feel this is the time when they can spoil the kids and then just send them back home. My mom hates the fact that I put my kids in a time out. So, when they come home from her house, and she calls and asks how they are doing. I once told her that my son was in 4 times outs (once, for jumping on the bed - which he knows isn't allowed) and the other times for not listening to me when asked him to clean up, eat and go and get ready for bed).

I then asked her if she likes the idea that he spends a lot of the first and second day in time outs. She said no. I then suggested that she join our side so that the kids don't get confused as to why the rules change when they go to her house, versus when they are at home or at daycare (which also has pretty hard rules- according to my mom).

Anyway, I asked her how she would like it if her mom didn't follow her rules.

There's also a DVD you can rent out called "1,2,3 magic". If you'd like a better way to parent your kids and have you mom do the same, I'd watch that video and watch it with your mom and who ever else watches your kids (ie. husband). It's all about being on the same page. If the kids know that you and your mom are on different sides, they will play both of you.

Good luck.

~C.

Here's my mom's response:

My advice is to make two small baggies with a small amount of candy in them with a note that he can have one baggie after he eats his meals. Tell your mom it will be his reward for eating. As for the play-doh hide it. If your son can’t see it, he won’t want it. If your mom only gets to watch the boys one day a week, it may be too hard for her to change. Maybe you should let her take the two boys home one weekend a month and then things will change. It did for me.

Grandma of four.

Read and re-read Toni's post...it's a good one!

And, when you're done reading the post, find someone else to watch your children on that one day per week. It's not worth the 'freebie' (I'm assuming you're not paying her; my apologies if you are) to let your children go without boundaries and discipline, even if it is just for that one day a week.

It's not hard to stick to a no candy rule before breakfast.

It's not hard to put a baby (who is likely already on a schedule) down for 2 naps a day.

It's not hard to make a kid who, during the rest of the week doesn't jump on the bed, stop jumping on the bed.

It's not hard to keep dangerous toys out of reach of children too young.

She doesn't do it because it is "too hard", she's doing this because she wants to be "cool grandma" and wants the kids to "love her" and she flat out doesn't want to discipline your kids. And, that's laziness to me.

Give her one last shot - tell her that these are the rules (and back it up by blaming it on the pediatrician, whatever if you have to) for your children and this is how you want them to be raised. Tell her if she cannot follow the guidelines then you have no other choice but to find someone else to care for your children.

Not to be mean, but why not let her watch them at her house? The youngest won't nap anyway so it's not like she needs a crib there...they can just pack of some of their toys to bring.
Sure it wont' be convenient but maybe after one or two times of having to clean up and watch her furniture get played on...........she might have an "AHA!!" moment?

Then that puts that ball back in your court to lay down the law when she requests to watch them at your house...???

I don't mean to be mean about it, but actions speak louder then words and it sounds like you guys are in a tough situation right now and kind or depend on her for help.

Just a thought................ Good luck!

Great advice, ladies. Book a sitter for the days you are working. Then, if you wish, you can invite your mother to come sit for 2-hour blocks of time, like when you know the kids have already eaten and have just woken up from their naps, so that will cut down on her ability to disrupt your routine.

I know this is a hard thing to explain to your own mother, but I think honesty -as carefully worded as possible- is the best route. Just say, "I have found a part-time sitter that works well with the boys and she/he wants a full shift, so I am hiring that person for my work day starting next week. Thank you for taking care of the boys so much. I hope they can still spent lots of time with you (just not 8-hours in a row, but don't say that!)

Good luck!

If I had $1 for every time I've read a post like this or heard a story...I'd be rich. Seriously, it baffles me to no end WHY grandparents feel the need to blatantly disobey the rules that we parents work so hard to instill and enforce in our own homes. I could go on and on with the issues I've had with my MIL...

I agree with the other poster, you have two choices. 1) Accept it because it doesn't matter how many "talks" you seem to have...your Mom isn't listening. 2) Find another sitter for one day a week.

For me, I'd choose #2. I wouldn't be able to accept those things going on with my boys. I have enough challenges that I deal with already. But candy? Before breakfast? How is that even logical? No naps for a 13M old? That's not healthy for him.

My in-laws have a VERY hard time following our rules. We had them babysit when my older son (now 4) was like a year old. We went out to dinner and a movie and got home about 10:30. Jacob was STILL awake and playing. 10:30 at night? He was usually in bed by about 7:30. I was SO mad. Their reason, "We don't see him that often so we didn't want to put him down. He didn't want to go to bed anyway." That was the last time we asked them to babysit in the evening. At my second sons' 1st bday party, we gave him a smash cake for him to go to work on. He loved it. My FIL thought it would be funny to put icing on his face (why?) and then proceeded to put it IN his ear. IN IT!! WTH?!? My husband has tried to talk to them and I even had a heart to heart with MIL. Nothing changed. So, you know what? They don't see their grandsons very often and we NEVER ask them to babysit.

GOOD LUCK (you'll need it, lol) and keep us posted!

T.

you are the mom and your mom needs to follow your rules! Tori and M R said my thoughts excatly. there are grandparenting classes and grandparenting books. we told one set of GP's to read the same book that we are reading so that we are on the same page (they did not comply so they do not babysit - they do not respect us or our wishes)find someone else to watch your chilren - naps are important and healthy eating is important - some sweets are fine in moderation but before breakfast is nuts - consistency is important so that you and your hubby have some sanity - if you were paying someone or putting the kids in day care the staff would follow your rules.... why can't the grandparents? you do not have to deal with the disrespect - you sound like a great mom - keep up the good work and good luck! grandparents needs to learn how to spoil with love - not candy etc.

Pay a babysitter to mind the children and invite grandma over when you are there and can ensure that there is no candy before breakfast, naps are taken etc.

Hi, the only thing that I would suggest is maybe pick the one or two things that are "really or most important" to you, and then maybe right her a note asking her to PLEASE have baby take at least one nap. She will soon be on a one nap schedule anyway?? Heck, maybe you can fib a little, and tell her that her teeth have been bothering her, and so the doctor said she can't have candy??? Or that she had a really bad night the evening before, and she really needs the one nap, or preferably 2? That way you aren't being the "Mean One" or whatever???? Also, maybe you could "hide" the playdo or the candy??? So, I guess be a little sneaky - but if it helps???

Oh, and I am sure you thought of this, but is there anyway that you could "swap time" with another Mom? I have done that in the past - I watch her kids one day, and she watches my kids another day. It happens to be that I watch hers during the day, and she watches mine on a weekend so we could go out and do something? Just another thing to think about if the opportunity is there?

I adore my mother, and she watches my kids once a week, and alls they do is watch tv all day. It used to bother me, but now I actually tell my older one that she has to do a couple things each Monday, so at least there is a little break from tv. (I just call Monday "rest Monday"! ha!

Take care.. Aarrgghhh, did we know that raising kids would be this hard?!

United day care network. They are all listed with the state. I had a wonderful baby sitter thru them. When the daycare is run, the kids all take naps , they go to the park early get it out of their system. Come back for lunch and nap afterward. Let your mom see that you are looking into this. No one wants a crabby mean child when they come home. Good Luck.

I agree with all the other moms about hiring a sitter. I think most grandmas are like that with grandkids, and ours is no different. ALTHOUGH we did have an experience where she took ours on vacation for a week (without us) and started the trip treating her like she normally does (letting her do whatever she wanted and eating whatever she wanted) but by the end of the trip she was ready to give her back! But that's what that kind of behavior brings on. That kind of cured her a little bit. Usually grandparents spoil the kids and then give them back so WE get to enjoy the "results." In this case she had to deal the results. Things have been much better since.

SO, unless you can get your mom to watch your kids for a week nonstop so she can see what she's doing, I agree with paying a sitter to do it your way. You don't have to be honest with your mom, no sense in hurting her feelings. Instead you can limit the visits to when she can spoil the kids and it won't hurt them :)

I have had the same power struggles with my mom. The same reply, she's the grandma and grandmas are supposed to spoil their grandkids.

Think of it this way. It is once a week that she is coming over and she is helping YOU out by doing so. You may feel right now that it would be easier to pay a babysitter to watch the boys and follow your rules, but would they really get the loving care that Grandma is providing for them. I would relax about it, it took me a lot to do that, but everytime I would confront my mom, she would huff off and not talk to me for a month or so. And I need my mom seeing I am a SAHM of 3 young kids. She helps me keep my sanity and is there for me when I have felt I have lost it.

However, I do believe that your younger son needs his naps, my son is 1 and I have him on a two nap schedule. I would make a little note that your son naps at these two times, and remind her that when he goes down it will give her a little break to have special one on one time with your older son to do the things he wants to do like playdough or puzzles that your younger son isn't big enough for.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

LOL...no you are not alone! My issue is with my dad. My mom watches my son during the day while I work and she follows the rules, however my dad lets him do what ever he wants. Things that he is not allowed to do at home,things that he should not be doing, not thinking about what he might do later.

Grandparents can spoil all they want but how about boundaries? There are things that little kids SHOULD NOT be doing. If they do it once they are going to think they can do it again and then when mom tells them no, guess what. Boundaries are healthy things for children and letting a kid do what ever they want IS going to cause problems later in their relationship and not to mention the tantrums we have to deal with.

My dad does not know how to say no and I think it is really sad. It even goes as far as my mom not trusting my dad alone with my son. I think the issue of not saying no and letting them do what they want is deeper than just "I am the Grandparent".

Bottom line we are the parents and these are our kids we have the right to say what goes. However we have to be comfortable with the consequences. I have not made my decisions yet but that is how I feel. I am glad to know that I am not alone too.

First, I'd suggest that you choose two or three rules that are most important to you and stick with them. Let the other things go. Health and safety are important; proper nutrition and naps sound like resonable requests. Yes, play-doh is messy, and its gross to watch a one year old taste it, but you may need to let stuff like that slide if you want/need grandma to watch the kids.

I'd tell her that you are considering putting the kids in day care or getting a nanny for the day of the week that she is currently watching them. Tell her that you know how much she loves the kids and loves to spoil them, and how hard it must be for her to set limits for her adorable grand kids. Be clear about the few rules that MUST be followed. Tell her that your willing to try it for, say, one more month, but you think it might be best for the kids to be somewhere with more discipline. Hopefully, she will step up and enforce your limits for the kids. If not, you may really have to find other arrangements.

Hi K.,

I hear you totally on the issue. Try having an entire family who's practices are to allow the kids to do what they want to do. My daughter just made 13 and my family seems to think I'm a bit over protective because I restrict certain activities from her. My goal is to have a college grad not a teen mother so the fight is on between my family and me when it comes to her. Guess what, I don't care because my primary responsibility is to her. At some point you have to respectfully put your foot down and remember your first concern is the health and well being of your children. We all love and respect our mothers but you have to remember their position on disciplining the kids is different. They feel as if they've paid their dues by raising you and don't want the hassel of rearing on your behalf. Try making her see it from your point of view which is your concern for their health and well being.

Let me also add that the fight has paid off. She's growing up to be a responsible young lady. She work with the babies at our church and today she started her first volunteer position at our park district as a junior rec leader. Her interests are much different from those of the rest of the family. I feel in my heart that she's going to do great things with her life. That's my concern.

It sounds like you need to either accept that she is not going to follow your rules or find someone else to watch your children that 1 day.

Hi K.,
I know this is not easy. My daughter is 19 now and I'm hear to tell you. You too can survive! First of all you need to figure out what is more important to you. Your children following the rules with Grandma or her time with them. I too was a mom with a schedule that I did not want to see broken or changed. I had many fights with my family over this but what I learned is that the kids will be just fine. (However you might not be) They enjoy their Grandma and you know they are well taken care of. If you can't change the way you think then you may need to find sitter who you might have to pay. The fights are just not worth it.
K.

As a grandma myself, I would love the opportunity to be able to spoil my grandson even a little. I have guardianship of him, so I do not get that at all. I have to stick to the rules of the house as I raised my 4 kids, otherwise it is not fair to mine. Some grandparents feel they have the right to "spoil the grandkids" I did not have that growing up even living with my grandmother til the age of 9. Besides, what does it teach the kids, work grnadparents against parents, not good situation there at all. I would definately talk to your mom with all your concerns. Helping out is one thing, causing kaos is another. Good luck.

I have had some issues with my mom too - I pretty much told her she can be the Grama when its Grama time, but when she is the child care provider, I need her to adhere to my rules, I thought that was kind of the best of both worlds. Also, I cried when I told her. Don't know if that helped, but suddenly my daughter (3)is getting appropriate time outs from grandma and is not getting spoon-fed anymore.
LOTS OF LUCK
S.

I'm a mom/ teacher/counselor and this sounds like she is being passive -agressive....saying one thing and doing another....is this babysitting too much for her to handle...? Is she hoping to be relieved of these duties? Might she need to just be the supervisor of a REAL sitter who has the rules written down for her and them Grandmom can just love the kids?
Perhaps she is exhibiting other behaviors that are not responsible but you just do not notice it unless it relates to your own babies...
I have a friend that would come back from visits with her grandsons and tell of "pranks " that she would instigate with her own grand babies that were sabotaging thier parents' excellent parenting...SHE thought uit was cute...and "I want to give them back some of the devilish behavior that my only son did to me!" (Her kids was a normal kid and nearly an angel...
Is it worth the cavities and behavior problems to have this free sitter service?
Please explore other options...and write down the rules or ...better yet...find a parenting book that sets down similar rules so that they are not coming from you but rather from the authorities...Is it possible that she needs more time seeing the right way that you do things with the kids on days that you do not work ? ...So that there is consistency? Love your mom but take care of your babies! Good luck, D. J

Hello K.,

Just because this type of behavior happens with a lot of grandmothers does not make it acceptable. Would you accept this type of behavior from anyone else except her? I think not. I think that you should definitely communicate your feelings to your mom and let her know that your rules apply in your home. Let her know that she is free to be 'grandma' at other times, but when she is caring for your children then you would like her to follow your rules. After all, they are your children and you have the ultimate say in how they are raised. I know that this is a touchy subject and I have had to have 'the talk' with both my mother and mother-in-law. Things were much better afterwords. I'm hoping that things will improve for you!

Find another baby sitter that will follow your rules.

She's grandma. She earned the right to spoil her grandkids. If you have a parent who lives close to you and is willing to babysit for free, feel blessed. If it's only one day a week, what's the big deal anyway? It's not like she babysits (for free) 5 days a week. Count your blessings and cherish your mom and be thankful that she is alive and lives close and your kids get to spend one whole day a week with her every week.

Ha ha...I know this isn't funny, I go threw it all the time, however it is the life of having a Grandma involved in your kids lives. For a while we wouldn't let our son spend the night at my MILs, he would come back sooooo spoiled and with a smart mouth. They let him get away with MURDER. They would take him out to eat all three meals, he got to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. When he would say something my MIL and FIL would jump to his every request. It isn't like that at home. He is big enough to know better, however I can't be mad at him because it is confusing to go from that to home. I had a talk with my MIL about it. Then the next time our son went there things were better but she still gives into his every request. We haven't let him stay the night there since Feb. When she asked me why not, I said because he comes home nasty from her house. We had a nice convo about it and we are letting him stay there for a few days next week. I'll update you and let you know how it goes. You have a few options: 1. Find someone else to sit that one day a week that will take your rules and guidelines into consideration 2. Talk to your mom again and without getting mouthy or demanding, explain to her why you want these certain things (I don't know if you have been either but I know how I am with my mom at times) 3. Let her keep watching the kids the way she is. I had a fun Grandma when I was a kid, and we always had a blast going over there, I don't remember her letting me get away with anything but I'm sure she did. I think your mom more then likely wants to just have fun and enjoy the kids, she doesn't want to be the disciplinarian that she had to be with her own kids. Honestly, in due time things will more then likely change, but I know how frustrating it can be!!! My cousin has a 8 and 2 year old and goes through the same things, she lives right next door to her parents. They have dinner together at least once a week if not more, everytime her kids are there Grandma makes them special meals and if they don't want to eat because they want to play she doesn't make them. It is a common problem for parents who have grandparents that are involved in their kids lives.

Well, your only option is to find someone else to watch your kids for that day. Tell her that kids need structure and you have rules in your house and if she is not willing to follow through or at least try (nobody is perfect!) then you will be finding someone else to watch the kids. Someone that will respect your rules and keep the baby on schedule with feedings, naps etc. Good luck. If you are not willing to do this, then you must live with the consequences...her doing whatever she wants when she is watching the kids. And if this is the case, you also will need to stop putting so much energy into something that you cannot change. Either get someone new, or put up with her.

This is really a tough one. I'd say sit down with her and have a serious heart-to-heart about the issues. (Yes I know you've done it already, but one more time seems to be needed) Don't just tell her the rules, tell her WHY you & your husband have set the rules. Remind her that the children's best interest is the point. Also don't hold back how angry and disrespected you & hubby feel because of her actions. If your mom will not straighten up, you'll have to make the hard decision of whether to allow her to continue babysitting your kids. Ask yourself if you'd tolerate that from any other sitter?... Is she able to walk all over you because she's Mom? She may be upset about it, but she'll always be your mom, and you two will get past it. Something needs to be done before a serious problem happens. She is behaving irresponsibily, and it won't take long before that leads to harm to your children.

Hi mom I am a grandmother and yes we do let the children get away with some things but I think your mom is going thru something. I belive she is at a age were she understands life, she has been there and done that and problemly thinking she don't have much time here and nothing else matter, rules don't matter to her at this time in her life and no one can tell her what she can or can not do. So have patience with her, its once a week she is having fun so calm down,whatever you do, do not take this moment from her. GOOD LUCK!