Seeking Advice on the "Daddy" Question

Hi there just wanted to let you know that I am also a newly single mom and the only way to get the daddy question over is to let her know that you are the mom and the dad. Just let her know that you can do anything he can do even better, just be there she is young and will one day be old enough to understand. Have you ever tried legal aid they sometimes help with child support? Good luck to you and you child and hope this helps a little.

Well...where do I begin. I too was in your shoes for so long. I was still married and had no idea where my daughter's father was or let alone had any help. She would ask for him and I would get so angry...not because he wasn't there but simply because I was glad he wasn't and she was sad. My situation was different though. I was a victim of domestic violence and I had to leave. So I escaped and left to a battered woman's shelter and could not have contact with him. My baby would cry because he was not in her life. She had mixed feelings about the situation because she witnessed so much. She knew he was not good but she still missed him. I was in mental aguish. I would explain to her that we could not see him because the time was not right and when she was older she would understand but right now I was there and i would never leave. She seemed content but not fulfilled. Well it came the time we found him and I filed for my divorce. He was found trying to cross the border to Mexico and was arrested for what he had done to me. (3 years later) He had warrants so they took him in. Now can you imagine my face when I received this phone call? I was relieved. I filed for my divorce and was granted sole custody of my princess. He had supervised visits but never went. She realized that he will not be around and she doesn't hate him or me. She says that "God shows people what is real and we need to understand that what he is showing us is what we need"...She is eight years old. Although I love the maturity she has, I dislike the fact that due to our experiences she had to grow up a little quicker...Honey, your baby will ask for a little while and it will bother but my mistake was sitting there trying to make excuses for him, don't let that be yours. Let her figure it out. She will realize that you are there and he is not. Don't talk bad about him to her because then you seem like the bad person. I never asked for child support because I knew I wasn't going to see a dime. All I wanted was my baby to be mine and only mine and that I have, Thank God. Don't worry so much our children are alot stronger and smarter than we think. Good Luck and God Bless!

Hi S., I am sure that there is a lot of women in your situation, i was one,thanks god is over. my sugestion is at this age be very generilized with your anwer to her, if you have a picture of her father give it to her, and tell her that daddy loves her due to ciscumtances beyond your control he is no with her, never tell her any thing bad about him, you know how he is and is not her fault he is not there, you have to let her love her father, or else she will,resent you, later on in lives she will find out the truth, but she will always see you as her friend and more important as her mother that never put hate in her heart towards him, and when is time to tell her the truth, always remeber to keep your feeling towards him
separed the information you gives, remind her that is important to love her father, when she grows up she will realized who was there for her. my dougther father passed away when she was about 2 years old, by this time we were apart, and my mother took it upon herself to tell her what kind of person he was, it took me time and a lot of work to restore the image that she had of him, noe she knows how he was, and still loves, she was born the same month and day as his and every birthday she ligth ip a candle for him on her birthday,
this make happy becouse i see has love in her heart.
Remember she has you to teach her about love now, she will have the rest of her live to learn have hate, dont let her learn it from you, Make sure no body tell her about her father.

She will thank you for you love and for allowing her to love him, and she is older she will let you know how she love you for it.
I hope this helps.
RC

I absolutely agree with Brandi, "sometimes people don't know how to be a good daddy and it's best not to be with them until they can. it's not that he doesn't love you but he needs to learn how to care for himself the right way to be able to care for you the right way and that maybe someday when the time is right he will see him".

I think alot of confusion, hurt and anger come from trying to either stop your child from seeing their absent parent or often times the parent even wants to try and stop their child from loving their absent parent(badmouthing, blaming the absent parent and being a victim- this is all your fathers fault!). The confusion and deep anger that causes in the child is often the source of troubled teens/adults and resentment towards the mother and not necessarily the sole factor that they were raised without a father.

I see you are trying to avoid that by seeking guidance and understanding on how to answer your daughter's question. I suggest to first look inside yourself for forgiveness of her father for not supporting you and her and the betrayal of your trust really. Understand that everyone has to go through their own struggles in life and he will have to deal with his decisions in the future. From there you will be able to be more open to her to discuss the good qualities of her father. You can point out positive things that she does that remind you of her father. Of course, everything is with time and what she will be able to understand but you need to have forgiveness and love in your heart, and then your actions and words will follow.

In terms of the child support, sometimes it is better to just let it go as it costs you more mentally and emotionally fighting someone for money then the money you will receive. It really needs to be your decision, just consider all factors.

May you and your family continue to be blessed and you continue to be a strong and loving mother.

A.

I'm a person that grew up without a dad and went through the same "daddy" question. There are severe consequences that children go through when both parents are not in there life. You said she doesn't have a dad and that's untrue. She does. He may not be a part of her life but she does indeed have a dad. Have you made any efforts to talk to him so he can become a part of her life?

This question is not going to go away for her. Moms often have a fear of the child being taken away by the father, just as my mom did, which kept him from seeing me. I grew up to resent that and your daughter may grow up to resent it as well. You may think lowly of the man now, but obviously you didn't just a few years ago because you created a child with him.

If I were you I would first try to contact him and see about getting him to become a part of her life. She needs that. If he outright refuses after having been given the chance, then I would talk to her about how daddy lives a ways away and can't yet be a part of her life. This is why making wise choices are so important to parents. I don't want to sound harsh but I was where she is now. I grew up with the same thing and I guarantee it will bother her for the rest of her life. There is no way to sugar coat it. You need to look past your own biases about him and see that her having a relationship with her father is not about you, it's about them two.

I'd just like to add on something about the severe consequences. Many women seem to think dads aren't needed in a child's life. That couldn't be farther from the truth. They are very much needed and necessary. There is a strong correlation between children being raised without fathers and later on getting involevd in crime, drug addiction, teenage pregnancy, dropping out of high school, etc. That's the statistics whether people like it or not or want to believe it or not. Some simple research will prove that.

Sometimes giving suppor to other mothers means telling them the truth, not just telling them what they want to hear. Support does not mean just being an idle listener and dishing out advice that goes down easy.

Furthermore, my mother was never my "hero" because she made us made us struggle growing up. If she wasn't selfish with her children and had allowed us to see our fathers we would have likely lived an easier life. Her poor decisions with men ended up causing me and my sisters problems despite her trying hard. My mom used to try the "I'm the mom and dad thing" but I just found that to be crazy and as an adult find it absurd. Moms and dads bring different things to a child's life and mom can't possibly replace what dad brings.

I am very upset after reading the above response.... Listen...it is almost 2007. There are more single mothers and fathers in the US then there are "happy" two parent families. I strongly suggest the book "The complete Single Mother." Hell, I will even let you borrow it!
Your child will not have "severe concequences" for not having her father in her life. I am sure you are a great mother (or else you would not be seeking out advise) and you will handle this situation in the best possible way for you child. I have a fourteen month old little girl and I am also a single mother going to school. I dont know what happened to that women who responded above but I know that your daughter will grow up to appreciate everything thing you are doing right now to make her little life better. It is so hard to be a single mother, work and go to college. She will realize that one day and you will be her hero, as you already are. I have thought long and hard about what I am going to say to my daughter when the time comes and I think it will just be the truth. There are a lot of children who only live with there moms and a lot that only live with their dads too! If you need to talk anymore please feel free to email me!

S.,
i have been a single mother of one nearly since the day that my Bria Skye was born. Her father and i wanted her but after her birth things were really bad. Things got worse after i cancelled the wedding because of personal issues between us. I have been doing my best to do what i can to make her life happy and healthy. I have to say that i went through and still at times go through a depression of sorts over the whole thing.
I was a child of a broken home but my parents remarried. So i never was a single parent child. But now that i am the single parent i often wondered what it would be like for my daughter growing up without a father figure. However, i see that she is doing great. He doesn't give me money though he has said that he would help.he doesn't talk to me unless i call him and all and all i dont think that he truely cares about her. I would rather not have anything from him at all. I struggle but i dont want to go through the courts just to get him to pay for a child he really doesnt love.
Since then i have met a great man. and my daughter one day just started calling him daddy. No one taught that to her. He loves her to death and he cares for her and even helps me with her. I guess Bria decided that he is her dad and he loves it.
The point i am trying to make is that you dont NEED a father in a childs life for them to be happy and healthy you just always think about what could be if there was and how the childs life would be effected. Any mother that can endure the Hardships that come with single parenthood deserves an award. All of you that are roughing it and having to deal with the child's "where's my daddy?" questions i commend you...That would break my heart too. Broke my heart to even read this request. Good luck to you and blessed be.

Hello S.,

I have been a single parent for many years. I am happily married now. I have two children who have different fathers. My daughter who is 15 knows who her "father" is because I have told her who he is. The last time he saw her she was 4 weeks old. The way I found him when she was 6 years old because I was tired of fhaving all the financial responsibility and felt he should take on more of the financial part. Usually if they are not in the childs life now the never will be. My daughter and I lived in Alaska at the time that I found her father on the internet and was able to let the child support office know where he was. He can run but he cannot hide. You don't have to spend any money for the internet if you go to the library. We did find him and had a paternity test which he tried to deny my daughter. But the truth was in the test and he is her "father" and we have been getting child support since she was about 7 years old. I started the process in SC then moved to Alaska and the paperwork went through Texas where he lives. So it can be done but you have to do the work for the child. She needs the money and she deserves it. He also had to pay for the paternity test so it didn't cost me anything but postage to mail some paperwork. But back to the daddy question as they get older they really figure things out. That their father is not in their lives and you are the one that is really there for them. They never stop wondering why their father is not in their lives. But when she gets older just let her know that he can be in her life he just chooses not to be. That you love her and that you are her mother and father. Kids are really smart and will have it more together than we give them credit. I hope this helps. Good Luck!!

I have a 5 year old who father is not in his life at all...but the kids from his first marriage are a big part of our lives. I don't know about the child support, but I have told him from an early age some people don't know how to be a good daddy and it's best not to be with them until they can. it's not that he doesn't love you but he needs to learn how to care for himself the right way to be able to care for you the right way and that maybe someday when the time is right he will see him. My son has not seen his dad since he was one...he lives 10 minutes away...nice huh?

First I would wonder why she is acting like that, being 'daddy-obsessed' is caused by some outside influence she is getting from somewhere or somebody! Maybe one of her little friends is talkng a lot about their daddy or something like that.
Ask her about her ideas on what 'daddys' do and what it would mean to her and where she got that idea. You just never know what she might think- anyway I would make up a story to tell her about why he cant be her daddy and that he is very far away.

I lived w/this same situation, and married a man to try to give my daughter a 'daddy' (and myself respect) and it was a horrible mistake, by the time I got divorced my daughter and I were both worse off than if I had stayed single except then I had another child with no 'daddy'. (I hope you will have better luck than I did w/dating).

(I remarried but by then she was too old to attach emotionally to any 'daddy' although she does appreciate the kindness of her stepfather now).

As far as dealing with her biological father, if he doesnt love her and care about her then forget him. You cant force him to be in her life - just forget him and be a great parent to her and build a better life for yourself and your futures, which is what you are already doing by going to school.

Sharon,
well this is tough, my girls do have a relationship with their father. But as far as child support, if you weren't married then child support doesnt mean that he gets visitation. Second if you have given him the opportunity to be in her life than you just have to be up front with her that he hasnt made the effort. I know this sounds harsh and i am not by anymeans saying bad mouth him to her, but dont make excuses for him t her it will only back fire later in life. Be as honest as you feel comfortable with to her and it will all work out.

In reference to severe consequences in children without fathers i just have to add that children can be normal functioning adults without their father.. SOmetimes they are better off with out him...Each situation is different and you have to go with your heart.

M.

I would definately talk to her about her expectations, seems like all the other kids she knows probably has a daddy. Her life is a little different. Try to do all the things that a DAd might. LIke play ball and goof around, play rough (safely). You are her everything! My ex was workign 90 hours a week when we were together and once every week he might have been around for a meal. Then we separated and he saw her every other weekend and during the week. But now he moved out of state and they talk on teh phone about every other night. She says she wants to go to Daddys house and i tell her (she is 3) that he lives far away and we can't. But i am so attached to her even more because i am her everything. No picking sides, no fighting between spouses, i choose everything, i LOVE IT!!!!

S.