Seeking Advice About a Friendship.

Maybe your friend is trying to downplay the fact that she is finally having a dream come true, and is not sure that it will actually happen. I know people that do that to protect themselves from the possibility of something happening to that dream. My daughter did the same when she finally got pregnant with her son, after losing a child 13 years prior. She wanted so badly to get pregnant, the doctors told her she could, but didnt for 13 yrs. She didnt really get excited about her preg. until she was 8 months along. I think she was protecting herself, in case of a problem.

I totally agree with Laura. I only have two boys, but I must imagine that hormones to grow a boy after having four girls MUST be different. She's been trying to have a boy, it's been her goal for so long, and now that she's about to get one, she may be thinking "Oh my, how am I going to do this??" I'm sorry for the comparision, but it's like going shopping and getting an expensive pair of shoes. Then looking at the bank account and thinking "wow, I really didn't need them". I mean this in the best possible way. I am sure she may go through some Post-partum depression, blame hormones again. But a baby boy that is wanted, planned for, expected, will definitely be a joy for her family when he arrives. And while they are definitely different, they are awesome too. Of course she only knows girl stuff, and that's ok. It will be a new time of discovery. I've always said that if I had girls, I'd end up in the poor house, because there are so many pretty things for girls. She may enjoy not having to braid more hair, to just grab a shirt and pants and not have to worry about them being wrinkled.
I'm glad you are being supportive, don't take it personally, just be with her. She needs you now more than ever. And yes, do introduce her to the Lord, it will help wonders. But you know that.
Good luck.

Hi L., stories like these distrub me. I, too am a believer and my first advice for you is to start praying for her. Obviously she doesn't understand that her negative attitude has a big factor on how this child will become. And by speaking negative things such as he might turn out gay, she is already speaking that into her child's life. As the bible states we must be careful what foolish words come out of our mouths, she is speaking nothing but curses on to herself and her situation. Second of all, as a friend, you need to tell her how blessed she is to have all these children and help her understand that some people have a hard time just having one. Maybe when the time is right, you may need to invite her to church or give her resource guides that could help her. I am a 38 year old mother with a 12 year old daughter and my husband and I have been trying and trying to concieve again (preferably for a boy)for a long time and it just hasn't happened for us. We have just put this situation in the Lord's hands and if it happens it happens, if not, we are blessed to have our 12 year old daughter. Best of luck to you and your friend. I will be praying with you on this situation. God Bless you!

R.

Sounds to me like she has pregnancy depression. SHe should talk to her OB or midwife. Usually when you have depression during pregnancy it leads to post-partum which could hurt the baby if not treated.

Gee, it sounds like a real sad situation. I couldn't imagine my life without my son. Sounds like she should have really thought about trying a fifth time for a boy before she got pregnant. Something is not right about her situation based on how desperately she wanted this baby boy before pregnancy and having such opposite and unnatural feelings now. This one is a doozy for sure!!!

I was raised in a home with three older sisters and a brother 11 years younger than me. As if that's not tough on him already, we lost our father when he was only 3 1/2 years old. Life with four sisters and only a mother was difficult for him and his resentment was apparent during adolescence. Without getting off on a tangent w/my story, my point is that your friend seems to have it all...a complete family (I'm assuming she has a husband) and instead of embracing it all, she appears so unhappy.

The comments about the boy's clothing (minor obstacle by the way!)sounds like she's looking for excuses to justify her negativity and the one where she states that he's probably going to turn out gay is just simply a careless, unsensitive, and an unintelligent thing to say about an innocent unborn child that didn't ask to be brought into "her" world.

My advice to you is to evaluate the friendship first and determine if it's worth risking it to let her know how you feel about her damaging negativity. Hopefully, your communication skills are good for the sake of your friend taking your advice to heart. On the other hand, if the truth hurts, she may become defensive and angry at you. It's a delicate situation all the way around, especially because she's pregnant and sounds like she's very moody, to say the least. The chance that you may upset her even more is possible and that wouldn't be good for the unborn child as stated in all the pregnancy books. These are the risks you're taking on, so are you ready to handle it?

If you choose to have a woman to woman talk w/her, stick to the positive and helpful advice rather than be critical. If you feel that she is resistant to your advice from the get go, then maybe you should back off. The fact that you're single and have no children may be at a disadvantage because you are not familiar with the whole marriage and having children thing and, in all reality, she may resent you for having the freedom she's left behind or just discount your advice because you haven't experienced motherhood. There's the possibility that your friend may be going through a tough time whether it's in her marriage or just feeling overwhelmed, confused, and uncertain about the future. It really sounds like she could use professional advice from a family counselor/psycologist and even from her OB/GYN. Having a good support system is terribly critical during a pregnancy, especially a fifth one! If she lacks in this, she may be in for some difficult times ahead. Best of luck to your friendship, but mostly to your friend and her family!!!

Yikes, it sounds like it would be hard to support someone who is being so negative. Worries about their child being gay? Absurd for the notion or the worry, for that matter. It sounds like you really care for your friend, but sometimes there is greater strength in letting go, than in holding on. If she is only complaining and being neagtive around you, than I would distance myself from it. Like attracts like.

Best,
C.

It makes me wonder whether she wanted the boy or her husband wanted the boy. She sounds overwhelmed and hormonal. I think all you can do is what you are doing and pray a lot for her. let the Lord intercede where humans can not. Reassure her the best that you can and then step back and let God handle it, because he is the only one who can.

You know, I would think it is just her hormones talking. Women with imbalances tend to say the weirdest stuff, even if they don't mean it. So, how do you support her? I would change the subject. Ask her about her other interests. Better yet, ask her what she expects of you or how you can best support her. You might just be surprised by what she tells you! Either way, she is blessed to have a caring friend like yourself!

Have you tried sharing how you feel with her? I might say something like this, "It is hard for me to listen to your negativity around this male child because I cannot even have any children, and I know you had wanted a boy for so long. Are you aware of it?" There must be something causing this feeling within her, and if she could get it resolved before the baby arrives, actually, the sooner the better because it IS affecting the baby.

If she would like help to change this pattern in her life, I recommend Polarity Therapy. It is a very non-invasive, gentle way to release any emotional, physical or mental pattern. Polarity therapy is offered by students at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts' clinic for a very nominal fee during the week, and at their Polarity Clinic one Sunday a month for only $15.

Continue your support of her. I only have 2 kids...one girl, one boy. The girl was first and I almost cried when I found out I was having a boy. I didn't want a boy...I only knew girl stuff and I just wanted a girl. No way, no how did I want ANYTHING to do with a boy. Even up till his birth, I was hoping the docs were wrong and he'd come out a girl. But the minute he came out, I was in love. Utter and total love for my little son. He's perfect in every way, shape and form. I love him more than I could have ever imagined. All those thoughts I had previously went out the window. I now spend gobs of money on cute little boys clothing...more so than clothes for my daughter.

So just continue supporting her. She is just used to life the way it is now...with her girls. But if she is human at all, she will fall in love with that little boy when he was born and she'll probably deny any ill feelings towards him.

Changing a family is tough. Whether it's adding new children or adding a pet. We all get used to the way things are and it's hard to image life different.

Best of luck to you and even if she is not a believer, you are, so just pray for her. You sound like a wonderful friend.

I belive in the power of prayer. Pray specifically for her heart. I had a boy first and grew up with 7 brothers and a dad. piece of cake having boy. Then I had a girl. I still don't think I know what I am doing. God knows. I would say she is depressed but what do I know. Ask God. The Bible says that if we lack wisdom, ask. Book of James. The key word that the Lord gave me when I was grumbling was Contentment. I must be content with what I have. Medically the pregnancy could be causing some trouble and the moodiness should be brought to the attention of her obgyn. Ask if you can go along with her.
Wishing you all the best. I hope you get lots of input. It is a great resource----mamasource.

Sounds like a classic case of post partum depression. She probably needs some medical intervention to help her over the rough spots so she can resume her good mother status. Can you get her to the doctor? She may need hormones, or an antidepressant, but she needs help in understanding that this happens sometimes and it is not only okay to get help but it is essent;ial to get help. In the meantime, maybe you or someone can watch the kids for an afternoon while she does what she likes to do without them. A movie, lunch with a friend or date with her husband might help too. Be patient and encourage her to be patient with herself, but by all means, encourage her to get help.

It sounds like she might be battling a little bit of depression. She's probably also feeling extremely overwhelmed thinking about her life with four girls and a new baby boy that she's not sure how to handle. You're a wonderful friend to stick by her through this rough time. My advice would be to try to make things easier on her. Bring her meals, ask her husband to keep the kids while you take her to lunch or a movie. or offer to keep her kids while she and her husband go on a date! Maybe come over on a saturday to help clean her house while she relaxes... Get creative! Taking some stress off of her is a great way to show that you care and a great way to help her feel less overwhelmed. I know that when I was pregnant, I would have LOVED some extra help with meals and cleaning. And a date with a girlfriend or my husband without the kids would have been a definate battery recharger!! :o) Knowing the Lord gives you a sense of peace that she doesn't yet know. Be the hands of God reaching out to her and allow Him to work through you. That is the best witness of all. Hope this helped.

Have you tried telling your friend how you feel. It may seem a little harsh to tell her that you feel she is being selfish but it may be the wake up that she needs. If this continues it may affect her son and her other children as well.

Maybe your friend needs to start praying she has a healthy baby instead of concentrating on she's having a boy. I have a severely disabled grandson who cannot walk or talk and I would do anything for him to walk & talk.

Dear L., Thanks for being a good friend to your pregnant friend. I am sure it helps that you are there for her, even if she doesn't realize it yet. I'm certainly no psychologist, but a wise pastor once told me that fear precedes anger. If I were her, I'd be scared about taking on a boy after 4 girls! So maybe she is scared and showing that with her anger. There are so many things to do differently with a boy, but so many are still the same - showing unconditional love to your child, etc.
Maybe if you could help her see all the things that are the same, and keep lifting her up to the Lord of course, both things may help! Take care, J.

Hey L..... Don't take this wrong -k-..... But is it possible that because you are unable to have children yourself, that you may be misperceiving her interaction with you? I don’t believe for one minute that it would be an intended thing on your part, I just wonder if maybe it’s happening “on accident “, if you will.

Just like the other two responses read….. Her hormones are very off kilter right now. She is use to girls and is most likely doubting her abilities to parent a boy. If she is listening to others people’s advice and such, she is most likely getting thrown off there as well. Way to many opinions out there.

Parenting a boy is different than a girl and she has every right in the world to be concerned and intimidated. Plus, she is hearing that from other people so it’s enabling her to doubt. What will happen though is that new baby boy will come into the world; she will love him as she did her daughters and she will learn what she needs to know. Right now for her, it’s the mystery of the “unknown” so her thoughts are turning to doubt because she is scared.

Hear what she is telling you, as the friend, but try not to judge her or over concern yourself. Just be a good listening friend. Make her feel like she’s not alone.

Right now, it’s the unknown to you as well. What I mean is no one knows what kind of mother she is going to be to this little guy until he is here. If you have concerns after the bundle is here, then you would have reason to worry.
This is normal… Some new moms while pregnant and even a few months after goes through this.

Good luck, and if you want to chat, write back!

I can sort of relate to your friends situation, in the opposite. I had two boys then a girl.

When I found out I was pregnant again, not trying, I was a little upset, frustrated, stressed out. We had just purchased a home, for a little bit more then maybe we should have. I told my husband we can do this, but the worst thing that can happen to us financially would be having another child.

I was pregnant and did not know it at the closing for the house. So when I found out there was another child on the way, I thought well if it is a boy, that wont be so bad, I already have everything for a boy. IT was a GIRL!

URG! That means I have to start all over. I don't know how to take care of a little girl. Boys are easier, less fuss right. Well she was an easy pregnancy, and I went into labor when she was supposed to, and she only cry's when it is "important". (Feed me, Change my Diaper, I can't see You, I am sleepy)

The boys absolutly love her. My toddler calls her his "SISSY". His tone of voice changes when he talks to her. He will be screaming through the house, then he will see her, he will bend down, and talk soft and sweetly to her. Long story short, the children adapt to the change well.

My husband is the boy after many girls, and he is a manly man if I ever knew one. He is however spoiled. All the girls did the cleaning, now he wont help me with the house work. I work 40 hrs a week, as he does. I would appreciate the help.

"I never had to clean, my dad never cleaned, and my grandpa never cleaned." is what he says. That is a bit frustrating, to say the least. He is sweeter and more compassionate towards women then other guys. Especially when they are pregnant, in need of help moving big items, he is more then willing to assist in anyway he can. He cares for his nieces and nephews, our children. He was still at home when his neices and nephews came, so he was around them enough that he is the coolest Uncle in the world.

Your friend really has nothing to worry about in the end. It ALL works its self out in the "wash" as they say. Tell her she needs to speak blesssings not curses, and take things ONE DAY AT A TIME. The lord will provide her with the things she will need for that day. He is me.... including my sanity sometimes....lol....

I expect she is just overwhelmed. Looking after 4 kids while being pregnant must be utterly exhausting. I would suggest that you back off bringing up her pregnancy and her new addition all the time - it probably just makes her more nervous. In time, especially after the baby is born, I'm sure she will feel differently. I have 3 girls and understand how she would feel nervous about all the new stuff she is going to have to learn with having a boy. Also, you have to realize how pregnancy can really affect your hormones - just give her some time to process everything. Your unjudgemental friendship would definitely be a blessing to her right now.

Dear L.,

Let me start by saying that I feel for what you must be going through right now. I know that my own sister was not as kind when she was having difficuulty getting pregnant and found out that I was pregnant. At the time I had 4 children of my own and was expecting number 5. She was very angry and would not be excited for me she was very mean and cruel and said some very hurtful things. When I miscarried she was even more cruel, and told me she had been right all along and this was God's way of showing me that. I don't know if she regrets what she said or if she truly meant it, she never did apologize for the things she said and it has been more than 13 years now. The fact that you as a friend are being so supportive under the circumstances is amazing. Just keep being there for her and I am sure she will come around. Good luck and God bless all of you.

D.