Need Some Advice on Parenting Style of Close Friend...

Keep in mind there might be more to this than just grumbles. Maybe she is having some post partum bonding issues and/or some depression. If there is a way to say in a "helping" way that she might want to talk to someone about these things...
Also, I am thinking about my experience and remembering that I felt a lot of awesome feelings, but I also grieved my old life, felt tied down and sometimes was bothered by breastfeeding and the constant of having another person depend on me. I don't believe that I am a bad mom, just that I felt a continuum of things both "good" and "bad". I allowed myself that and maybe this friend is just more vocal about it?
In any case I think you are a helpful vigilant friend and she will need that, everyone does. So, I hope you find a common ground. Good luck!

She could be suffering from post-partum depression. You might want to talk to a professional. I think you are being a good friend since you are concern about her and her baby's situation. She might need more help from you. Don't give up on her.

Good luck!

maybe she needs to see a professional. Is she on medication? Nothing wrong with telling her that what she does makes you feel bad.

Being a new parent is hard! As a pre-natal yoga teacher, I know that women come in all shapes and sizes, as do responses to pregnancies and birth and motherhood. Some sail right through with ease, while others struggle! It's okay. Please don't write her off just yet. For some mothers it takes time to figure this all out and please consider that some mothers go through very real grieving time for the loss of their former selves. And some deal with depression and severe exhaustion, even malnutrition. Not to mention all the hormone changes going on right now, sleep changes, schedule changes, body changes. It's perfectly normal for some women to feel resentful in the first few weeks.
The BEST thing you can do is to continue to be supportive. A healthy role model is the thing she needs now. Not more "help" to escape her duties and definately not more judgment. Please, please, I am a big believer in women-on-women support and community. Give her some time, it's only been a few weeks. If you do feel like any conversation is in order, kindness and compassion are in order. If you've truly been friends and you're seeing a side you've never seen, accept that this is probably a passing phase and not a hidden demon she's kept from you. She'll come around, with help and support and good role models.

Saying something to her in a "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE YOUR CHILD?" tone won't work. I can tell you I feel the same way about my son. Why? I'm EXAUSTED and am carrying the weight of the whole family and it seems the world on my shoulders. There could be a lot more to the situation that you don't see. I often find myself romanticizing about my life pre-baby and pre-family situation I'm in now. I miss being able to pick up and go and do what I want.. most of all I miss sleeping and being happy. Just this morning I told my bf that I can see why some women snap. I wanted nothing more to be locked in a padded room, all alone... i'll even wear the snazzy jacket that fastens in the back!
Some people just do ooooh and aaaaah all over the baby phase. She, much like myself, will enjoy the time when the baby is no longer a baby and is able to walk and talk and do things himself.
All you can do is just be there for her. I understand wanting to distance yourself from her though... I know that I have distanced myself so that i don't bother others.

I think everyone so far has made some great points to consider. I wanted to add my 2 centers though. A lot of people don't fall in love with their babies right away and some people are just not baby people. After I had my daughter and we were taking our daughter to the pedi every day for 2 weeks for weight checks. The pedi told me something that I thought was very interesting and helpful. I was having milk supply (or no supply) issues and the pedi could tell I was at my wits end and she said, "I've always loved my daughter, but there was a time I didn't like her very much. I would throw myself in front of a train for her, but we just didn't get along" (although they are best friends now). This made me feel a million times better because I was feeling that way. My daughter came early, by c-section (not the "amazing" vaginal delivery I expected), I didn't produce any milk so she was basically starving and would cry from 6pm until 5am EVERY NIGHT...it was hard, harder then I expected. I was so tired and tired of holding her all night, my arms broke out in a rash from it being folded. I love my daughter more then anything in the whole world now, I'm trying my hardest to find a way to not have to work so I can spend every second with her, but there was a time I didn't like her very much, despite how much I loved her. I think this is an issue that isn't talked about very much. Most people think they fall in love with their kids the second they see them, it's not always the case and if it isn't you feel like poop and like a horrible mother. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible mom, but I think it's something people should realize.
Best of luck to you and your friend.
PS. I think you should give it a few more months and then reevaluate rather or not you should say something, the first few weeks/months can be hard.

Hiya there K.

OK your right that you have not seen this side of her...she has not seen this side of her either....
Every mother in the world has the favorite time of parenting...for MOST its the tiny helpless bundle we bring home and bond with (was for me) But your friend maybe the type that this stage is just wayyyy to scary! C'mon first time moms will all agree we bring home this new life and it hits very hard that we are completely responsible for this little person keeping its life...for most of us we get by this right away and cherish the time but for some.....no way it seems like a "wonderful time" If I had to guess your friend is so overwhelmed she is acting it all out and its coming into play as a complete dislike for her child (and it may be but its just right now) Be all the help and friend you can be and watch her blossom into her favorite time of parenting...sounds like it will be around middle school :0)

Blessings,
and remember
"A friend loves at all times"

I bet she's suffering PPD... did you get a chance ever to hear Brooke Shields talk about it? She had it so severe she could hardly stand to be around her daughter... And of course we all know about the woman who recently stood trial for killing her children one at a time in the bath tub... all while her family completely ignored her problems.. There is no way she was acting normal... and I suspect people just "bit their tongue" around her.

I'm a mother of twins... I went through a c-section... I never healed right. I've been in pain for the last 3.5 years. My spouse loves our children dearly but he's never around to help. I'm completely seperated from my family. And when they are around to "help" it can be very frustrating. As they have tons of ideas as to what I need them to do. When a child (or 2 as in my case) are screaming all the time... it wears on you. You have to be in the right frame of mind to remind yourself how much you actually love this.

It could be that your friend is totally exhausted as well. Is her child sleeping through the night? Is she on 24/7? I've averaged no more than 5 hours a sleep a night for the last several years... It wears you down. You can not be your best every day.

In her own way, I suspect that she's asking for help. Sometimes it's just being able to talk about how hard this can be. Without judgment. No mother wants to be viewed as a bad one. It's somehow embarassing... isn't is supposed to come second nature? I doubt that's the case for most people. Anyone that thinks having a baby that needs you full time is easy is crazy. I have a handful of twin moms that I talk to about the difficult times (ever had 2 babies with colic? I'm talking non stop screaming EVERY SINGLE DAY for 15 weeks from 4pm until 10pm) It SUCKS! But at least I didn't have 3... I know I was a source of relief for friends that would listen to stories of my crazy days... them with one baby that kept them awake for 2 hours the night before... I helped them keep their issues in perspective.. They let me vent. We all won.

Granted. I have little compassion for a woman with one baby. I say jokingly. But when I want to feel like I have it easy, I turn on John and kate Plus 8. I don't deal with anything that hard...

Not knowing your friend, I don't know if you're being judgemental. I suppose that could go either way. I hope she has someone to listen to her. I have had a really hard time in the last 3.5 years dealing with certain issues with my boys. I've seen the sideways glances from people that flat out don't understand. I'm just now getting my boys into preschool... and although I'd rather my boys not have any problems... it's at least a little reassuring that I haven't been out of my mind about these issues. The teachers are the first people to tell me that I've been on target this whole time... While others who just don't have a clue roll their eyes and insinuate that the problems are mine alone. I wish I had had someone that did have a clue... I'd have been dealing better... and my children would likely have less issues today.

That said. We're on track for improvements. I hope your friend will be too!

Hi K.--

I agree with a lot of the posts about possible PPD w/ your friend and the importance of ruling that out. I also want to just add something more specific about your relationship with your friend:

I am a Master's level therapist writing my doctoral dissertation on maternal ambivalence and the way that (all) mothers (at one time or another in their parenting life) are forced to confront powerful feelings of terrifying love, hatred, anxiety and fear regarding their children and their parenting/emotional capacities. For some mothers, these feelings arise at the very beginning (the focus of my study), for others they occur when the babies begin to separate and get older, for others when the mother or the child becomes ill, etc. It is a very unique and ubiquitous path.

I am not trying to pull the "expert" card, but listening to, and reading mothers stories about this taboo subject has really opened my eyes, and my heart, to a situation that in many ways seems morally and emotionally repugnant: the rejection of a newborn by her mother.

It is particularly scary and sad and provocative when these feelings are stirred up when the baby is so utterly dependent and needing so much. Yet it is not at all surprising. Absolute dependency is very very difficult--whether it is the baby's dependency on your friend, or your friend's dependency on her friends to help her with her child whose needs are so overwhelming. Yet, even though it's no surprise, it's also one of the great and shameful secrets of motherhood. Because our culture valorizes independence so much, and because motherhood is so utterly romanticized (especially now in the media with all the glam Hollywood mother-baby pairs) and so utterly private-hidden, unsupported and often lonely-monotonous-overwhelming, it is a very difficult, if not a terrifying burden, indeed, when the bonds start to feel like shackles.

Is it possible that your friends behavior is triggering to you? Perhaps, in your exploration of your worries around being judgmental, you can turn your curiosity to the ways that your friend's behavior may be stimulating your own feelings or fears of ambivalence towards mothering your children, or loss around the ways that you fall short of perfection, or deal with "unacceptable" feelings, or whatever...

I KNOW it is hard to see babies go without nurturing, and, it may very well be that you are discovering something about your friend that is absolutely undigestible. But, if you feel the friendship is worthwhile and wonder if your friend has a case of PPD or an adjustment disorder, perhaps you can give your friend the space and love to truly and DIRECTLY talk/cry/experience her doubts/fears/hatred by reflecting on your own and letting it be okay. This is very different than giving advice or calling her out. Perhaps if she can talk directly to someone (you, a partner, a therapist) who can make sense of, and accept not just her thorny feelings, but their own, your friend will have the space to think about and work through her own feelings, rather than acting them out by rejecting her baby.

I think you have an intuitive understanding of this because in your description of yourself, you are not alone--you are a mother with a supportive and loving hubby. We just can't do this soul-work alone.

Also, there are great memoirs--Anne Lammott's Operating Instructions, Jane Lazarre's, The Mother Knot--where the author-mothers struggle quite candidly with this desperation and this love-hate-need that feels so dangerous.

No, you're not being too judgmental. Unfortunately, not everyone was meant to be a mom. Hopefully her kid(s) will survive this. My mother wasn't meant to be a mom either, she finds babies tiresome and calls them "tyrants", and gave up breastfeeding at 3 months because it "bored" her.

Fortunately for me, I'm pretty independent and have never needed a lot of attention, so I survived her non-maternal parenting style okay. Hopefully your friend's kids are not too needy.

There's nothing you can say to her, really, you can't make her love being a mother. Maybe if you remain friends with her you can give her kids some of the attention they will need. Also maybe she will find other stages of parenting more interesting.

Good luck listening to her.

(I just read some of the other responses and I have to amend my post to say that while I adored my kids instantly, and never minded giving them the attention despite my own exhaustion and lack of time, I do appreciate that it is not that way for everyone, and some mothers do battle post-partum depression and/or take a while to bond with their babies, and I sympathize with that. Don't want to sound too Tom Cruise-like here.)

Dear K.,
I can see why your friend's behavior is upsetting. As a mom of two kids myself, it is very difficult to understand how a mom cannot just be madly in love with her new baby.
I too had someone very close to me who wanted a baby and then hated the whole thing. She hated being pregnant, she hated the birth, she hated the crying and the diapers....
The baby wasn't even born yet and she was already saying, "I swear, I will never do THIS to myself ever again." And she didn't.
Another very close friend of the family had two kids. Although they were certainly provided for, there was really not any affection. It seemed like they were just kind of on the "to do" list. They were both good mothers in many ways, the children were involved in all types of sports and had all the material things, but it just seemed that maybe that maternal instinct wasn't really there. That could be the case with your friend as well.
HOWEVER!!!!!!! You might want to tread a bit lightly with her. It could be that she is suffering from post-partum depression and not be able to "help" the way she is feeling toward her baby. Do a little checking up on the subject. Maybe some other moms have experience with knowing the right way to approach it.
Lord knows I have backed away from friendships or ended them all together if the relationship was more upsetting than it was worth. If your friend just has a flat out crappy, selfish attitude and wants to leave it to other people to take care of her baby because she doesn't want to be bothered, that's one thing. But, pulling away from her right now might be the worst thing you could do. If she is suffering from depression, she will not associate your distance with her own behavior, she will see it as one more thing that the baby has cost her. And you don't want that to happen.
It's hard to know if she is just acting spoiled and inconvenienced because she didn't think things through and babies actually require time and attention, or if she's in trouble emotionally and doesn't even realize it. For now, it's probably best for other people to be around her and the baby. She could be feeling very overwhelmed and not know how to really express it other than showing disinterest. Not knowing this person at all, either before or after the baby, I can't advise you what to say to her. But you have a little one, you could speak to your own pediatrician about it and see what they say.
I would just look at things from that angle before bailing out on her.
Best of wishes and I will say a little prayer for her and the baby.

I would sit down and talk to her about how she is feeling. Instead of approaching it as a confrontation about her parenting style, you may want to see what else may be going on in her life right now too. She could be suffering from PPD and isn't able to bond with her child right now, she could be overwhelmed with being a mother and the only way to express it is in the manner she is doing.

It struck me that you said you could 'never imagine feeling that way' but sometimes for people like us who were blessed to love our children immediately and without reserve, it is close to impossible to understand how anyone could feel differently.

My advice is to be as supportive of her as possible, but if you don't feel like you can be supportive, it may be better for both of you if you limited your time with her. I would not intervene with what you think she 'should' be doing unles you feel the child is in danger.

I don't think "calling her out" on what kind of a parent she is will go over too well. Your desired outcome is that she would get it and be a better mommy, but she'll probably just get ticked at you and the baby will be no better off. If you decide to stay in this woman's life, maybe you could be a shining example for her. Being a new mom is so very overwhelming and some cope better than others. I'd encourage her to meet with a new mom's group in her area. Our local hospitals host a "mommy & me" support group for new moms and their babies. It was wonderful because I met other moms going through the same things as me and we were able to share advice.

I'm sure listening to her carry on is all very irritating, but do your best to coach by being a role model.

Good luck!

You have absolutely no right to judge your friend. Just because she is not acting the way you reacted after having your baby does not mean anything is wrong with her parenting style or her. There could be so many other things going on that you have no idea about. Her husband could be useless and everything could be left on her shoulders. She can have crazy family that is constantly nagging her to do everything but just spend time with her new baby.

When I had my daughter 11 months ago - my in-laws were here for 3 weeks acting like I should be waiting on them hand and foot while breast feeding and doing everything else that comes along with a new baby - anytime I would get a little stressed because I was trying to figure out how to be a new mom - they would always say I had freaking post partum depression - seriously I just wanted them to leave so I could relax and figure things out on my own with out a ton of unsolicited advice.

I think its great that she is being honest about how she feels and not trying to be fake like everything is perfect and she is perfect.

Seriously for you to say that the only reason your friend and her husband had a baby is because all of their friends did sounds like sour grapes. Are you jealous of your friend?? Most friend groups do have childeren at the same time because everyone is at the same place in life.

I really think you need to just be a supportive friend and try to listen and support her however you can - if you can't do that then I would suggest backing off and focussing on your own life.

My group of friends has all just had childeren within the past 2 years and there is one friend in our group who says the same kinds of things about other friends like oh they just had a baby because everyone else did - and seriously we all tell her to mind her own business and to stop acting so self important!!!

Every friend I have has had a completely different baby with completely different issues. Some breastfed some did not - but know one sat there and judged that friend's decision.

She may be suffering from post-partum, manifested as resentment and distance from her babe. Please go easy on her. It took me more than two years to return to "normal" (whatever that is lol) after having my daughter. I live thousands of miles away from my home, family, and close friends in Canada, have a husband who has tenure at Cal and works very hard, and moved to a new home with no friends nearby just weeks before having her. Add to all that a severe tailbone injury I got during delivery, and there's quite a recipe for post-partum-like issues. Take it from me, a support group is absolutely vital -- I know since I was sorely lacking one. Her circumstances may be quite different from mine (I don't know), but she may have post--partum; if so, she needs support. So tread lightly when you bring up any of your concerns and approach her from a place of love, friendship, and support.

Good luck to you.

K. in EC

K.,

Being a new mom is very challenging (as we all know). I have to say that I did not bond with my oldest son right a way. I loved him, but just didn't feel connected. It took me a couple of months. I wasn't suffering for PPD. I was just overwelmed with all of the attention that this new baby needed. I honestly didn't realize how much work it was to be a mom. Plus my oldest son cried non-stop!

I would just sit down and talk to your friend. She may just be overwelmed right now.

K.,

Some women do not bond to their children right away..for some it takes years and even then it may not happen. I have a friend who, even tho' she doesn't work, has always had a living in nanny for her kids...and it baffles my brain. When she begins to go off on how happy she is that she has a nanny because her life is SO busy she just doesn't know WHAT she'd do without her nanny..well, I almost lose it. I bite my tounge. BUT I love her and there are many sides of her that I adore so it's worth it to stay with the friendship.
What you may want to start doing is saying things like "yeah, I know it's a hassle but my baby is SO precious...a little gift, that it's worth it...I get paid with smiles and coos!". If you keep countering with reasons why the hassle of parenting is worth it then she'll either catch on and figure out what a true blessing her child is or she will stop complaining to you about it because she'll know you "don't understand" her view or don't "support" her view and that you won't make a good audience for her whining.
Hopefully it will be the former. After enduring secondary infertility it was SUCH a miracle for us to have our son. I'm almost 46, he's 7 and there are definitely days where I think "I'm too OLD for this stuff!" but there are many many more days where I realize that he's such an incredible gift. Hopefully your friend with come to that realization...and if she doesn't..her child is going to need lots of other people to show love and affection in his life.

C.

Hi, first off this hit close to home. I sort of felt the way your friend does when my daughter was born. I would rock her to sleep and just cry! I felt I had made a mistake and would never be alone with my husband again. For me, the sleep deprivation was bad. I fear those mother's who are on cloud 9 from the very beginning and are in love with their babies the moment they are born and everything is great... It didn't go for me that way. It took me several weeks to bond with her and fall in love with her. She is 4 months old and I adore her! My baby was and sometimes is very needy. Some of us have needy babies who want to be held all the time. I wasn't use to that and did not see the light at the end of the tunnel. She might feel the same way. Be there for her and listen to her. It's probably postpartum depression (I had mild form of it). Mine went away after a few weeks. You want to talk to her and make sure she isn't going to hurt the baby. Good luck!

I am also suspicious that your friend may be battling Post Partum Depression. While I loved my girls more than I could ever imagine, I went through PPD and felt totally overwhelmed by the constant physical and emotional demand of a new baby. I felt alone, and I felt guilt that I was not like some of my other friend who seemed to be walking on clouds all day with their babies. Just because your friend is vocalizing her frustrations does not necessarily mean she does not love her child. She may need help. She needs her friends and family right now.

There are a lot of good suggestions so far. If you can approach this as Jan T said in an investigative manner, focusing on that so her comments and actiuons don't bother you, maybe you can find out more of what is happening and truly help your friend. I hope you can do this, it sounds like her way of screaming for help and your reaction to want to withdraw is very very normal. If this isn't how she normally is (some of us complain a lot :-), definitely cut her some slack! Make it your challenge to find out exactly what she needs. Reassurance? Housework done? Someone to come over and take charge completely while she sleeps? And I hope you report back how it goes. If you have friends in common who've noticed the same thing, get them on board. And if anyone of you think, "Well, No one did that for me when I had my baby"....Use this to heal that part of you, Do all the things for her you wished someone had done for you.

Motherhood is romanticized in our society and the reality can be such a stark difference and we often then blame ourselves thinking we are doing something wrong. Think about those first overwhelming sleep deprived days. Just ponder the physicality of what your body goes through to grow a baby, have the baby, feed the baby, take care of the baby with the added bonus of sleep deprivation. Did I mention sleep deprivation and what it can do to some of us? LOL

I remember both sides of the coin. I LOVED just taking care of my daughter, I wouldn't trade it for the world. But Wow, my husband went back to work right away, Not much help to speak of, I even had an older stepson who was making things harder. Yikes another story in itself. Anyway, it was the best of times AND the worst of times LOL. I had a fairly easy time breastfeeding but I had the unrealisitic expectation that it would be a natural easy thing. HA! So when she makes a comment about that, ask her about it. Does it hurt? Is she worried about something? You can also validate what she says and maybe reassure her....When she talks about the baby needing her so much, Acknowledge that Yes, a baby takes an amazing amount of work, you could use an army (even joke about "the village" if you're so inclined) Then let her know there is light at the end of the tunnel and relate better times you had so she can look forward too.

Anyway, hope this helps! and all the best to you and your friend!

She may have some post-partum depression going on - the clinical type - not just baby blues. Instead of presuming the worst, check in with her as to how she if feeling. It is not uncommon for mother with PPD to not feel the connection to the child. She may need medication, and she really needs friends and family. She may be afraid to be alone with the baby, that is also common in PPD. The fact that you have never seen this side of her is a huge red flag - she may need professional help.

Best wishes.

Hi K.,

I agree with Page, that some are not meant to be mothers. I also think that she could be responding this way because she just isn't sure how to handle motherhood yet. Her responses sound like she is overwhelmed underneath, and that she just needs some guidance.She sounds like she has post-partum depression. It can be displayed in all different forms. Maybe you could mention to her that there are mother's groups available to talk to about these kinds of issues. Also, as her friend you could tell her that you are concerned because of the way she is adjusting- and if you are willing---listen to her-ask her how she feels about her baby and feeding etc. She may just break down and tell you how she really feels. But as far as you go, you are not being judgemental at all--- you sound like a great, concerned friend.

Hope this helps.

Molly

YESSSS! You are being too judgemental! Back off, don't say a word to her and give her some time to adjust to life with a newborn. Some people are not natural mothers. Tell her to hire some help.
I'm a Mom that didn't bond with my first child right away. I remember thinking at 3'oclock in the morning when he wanted to breast feed (It hurt so bad!) that my baby was EVIL. It took me a while to bond, a good 6 weeks but I finally started bonding with my baby boy and fell head over heels in love with him.
Give her some time, she'll come around.

Hi K. -

You're not being too judgmental, but noticing a pattern that is not terribly healthy for mother or child. Babies need to attach deeply with mom at this age, and your friend isn't doing 'her part' biologically. This does not bode well for this child, and can cause myriad psychological problems for him/her as an older child and adult.

Instead of putting on the 'judgmental hat' put on your 'investigative hat' and ask your friend -- when she's not stressed out and when she is alone -- what's going on with her. Tell her you are concerned about her and her feelings for the child. Gently probe until 'it' (whatever 'it' is) surfaces.

Scared about losing her freedom? Her body? Not sure how to take care of the baby? Wondering about her future? Her sexuality? Angry that she is a mom now? There are a thousand answers, so be prepared to really hear her -- non-judgmentally.

Her reasons may seem callous or outrageous to you, but they are HER fears or views. Once you get her to voice her concerns, tell her how much you care for her and the baby, and tell her she needs to get help. This may well be post-partum depression (which can look like anger or aloofness in some women) and she needs to be treated immediately -- for HER sake as well as the child's.

Best,

J.

It is extremely common to compare our mothering styles to our friends mothering styles and become judgemental or insecure. The best thing you can do is demonstrate how to love, nurture and challenge the baby. When you are with her and holding the baby, do what you feel your friend should be doing, trust me she's paying attention. My guess is that your friend (new mother) is very insecure about her parenting skills at this time and that's why she's acting the way she's acting. Your actions will speak louder than words. You don't want to say anything that will upset your friend. Be an example.... and hopefully a little light bulb will go off in your friends head and she'll soon realize how much fun it is to have a baby. I think she's scared mostly. When you do see your friend doing something positive for or with her baby, make sure you say something like "you are being such a good mommy"... getting a compliment on your mothering skills is always a plus and encourages you to even do better. You only see your friend and her baby for a short time during a day. When she's alone with the infant, chances are that she's actually doing a great job. Maybe she feels uncomfortable in front of others and that's why see pretends that being a mom is a burden.
Don't burn a friendship by judging her skills, we are all different. Be patient and I'm sure it will all be fine.

No you're not being overly judgemental. I am in the same predicament. A friend of mine wants to run away from home half the time and leave her twins behind. She loves them but she is overwhelmed and always talks about it. She complains about them a lot and it makes me uncomfortable. She even swears at them. They are almost 3. It is sad but I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to alienate her. She obviously needs support but she makes me uncomfortable complaining all of the time. I have babysat them and they are fine. No major behavior problems. Just kids being kids. I never felt that way about my daughter so I don't understand where she is coming from. I totally get how you feel and you are being a good friend to her by helping her with her baby. Just being there for that poor baby is doing a great thing. He needs someone to love on him. Good luck!

Lots of good advice. If she's a close friend, do find a way to speak with her, sincerely, and explain you find her feelings / reactions to her beautiful new baby to be odd (at least compared to yours) and then ask her how she thinks you can help. A lot of people mentioned PDF and I would definitely hit on this with your friend - she might need some medical help and some professionals to talk with about her feelings or even anti-depressants. Like yourself, I close to immediately fell in love with my little boy who's now nearing age 4 and I am even more in love with him than ever. He's the sunshine of my life, we laugh a lot together for no reason at all other than to just be together (this started at about 9 months old and we still sometimes just laugh hysterically, just because, and it feels so nice). I too am happy for your great relationship with your daughters, as it's so nice for you and for them. Bravo!

She may be going through post partum depression. Get her some help so she doesn't harm her baby. Brooke Shields went through this. Your friend may need meds or may be able to work through this naturally. Breast feeding releases prolactin and makes you feel good. So encourage her to keep breast feeding. Gently ask her about her feelings and get her info on post partum depression. It affects a lot of mothers. Her chemistry is probably off. Good Luck. You're a good friend to try to help her and her baby.

Whatever you do don't get too preachy, it sounds like she's overwhelmed and may have post partum depression.

I don't know how close you two are but you may be over stepping you bounds by scrutinizing her mothering skills to her.

She may need a bit more attention at this time, ya know just doing friend type things without the baby. Just be as supportive as you can and give her lots of praise for her efforts. Help her feel good about herself and her new family.

Sounds like this mom is overwhelmed. She may have post partum depression. She is using you as a sounding board to air her feelings of doubt and insecurity. A kind word to her about being overwhelmed and how you deal with it. Or, suggest that she talk with her doctor about all of this. She may not want the unwarranted advice but if you are kind and loving and not judgmental, she may think about it and take action. Passing it on to the doctor won't make you a "know it all mother," it just shows her that is the best source. If you have a good friendship she will not take it personally.

maybe she has pp depression??

Hi K.,
When your friend complains next time...tell her she sounds like she has a bit of post-partum blues--add a little chuckle. Tell her it too shall pass. Tell her to enjoy her child at every stage--add how you can't believe how quickly your son has grown--how time has flown but you've enjoyed every stage. When she passes the baby to you to do other things in the house, show her the alternatives---baby seats, etc. Point out how then she can have the baby wherever she is. Whenever possible, do SHOW and TELL. When she complains about nursing, remind her how much healthier her baby will be because of it. Have her to your home for coffee/tea and just sit and enjoy your children. Your son could play on the floor at your feet. If necessary, take her baby from the seat, hold her for a bit, then give her to her Mom saying that she needs to be held by her Mommy for more bonding time. Do not abandon this friend because you will be abandoning a child who needs you! NancyA.

I would say without a doubt she has postpartum depression! My girlfriend reacted the same way, frustration and saying a lot of negative things, taking her and leaving her at her moms overnight early on, problems with breastfeeding, saying she wanted to go back to work right away, she wasn't meant to be a mom etc. She eventually took antidepressants for awhile and wishes she had started sooner. I had it too, I just cried constantly and felt completely overwhelmed and didn't want to hold my baby. Depression comes in many forms, I think it's awesome she's even stuck with breastfeeding. To a mom with postpartum, even the most mundane of tasks are completely overwhelming & I can understand how it wouldn't make any sense if you haven't experienced it. The next time she makes a comment, ask her if she ever considered she might have post partum?

Spoiled or not, there's no way she does not have PPD. Everyone handles their fears and overwhelm differently. I didn't have a problem with my son when I had PPD, I just hated my husband most of the time ;-) And sometimes I did have to have someone take him and let me have some space. Being a mom is overwhelming at times, no matter how much you love it.

Check out this website: http://www.jennyslight.org/home.cfm, take a deep breath and get over yourself. Clearly your friend needs you and your problem solving abilities, not your judgements. She's clearly feeling whacked out and needs a lot of slack. Encourage her to talk with her healthcare provider about PPD immediately. She has to get some care or she will not be able to care for her baby. She can even still nurse while taking prozac.

I had a very hard time relaxing and not being completely stressed out after my son was born and maybe tackling things she knows how to do around the house is her way of handling stress. Perhaps you can strategize with other friends or her partner or family members to take care of some of her household duties and encourage her to just stop and be with the baby.

Some women REALLY struggle with breastfeeding, too. It doesn't come easy for everyone. I did okay, but had painful cracking when my son was 3 weeks old. His pediatrician assured me that I could give him a pacifier occasionally and a bottle once a day to give myself a break and let my husband have some bonding/feeding time. He said in his 30 years of pediatrics he never met a baby who preferred the bottle to the breast and that mothers can nurse for longer if they take care of themselves while nursing and give themselves breaks. I just pumped instead and it was a good break and there was no nipple confusion. Encourage her to try having someone give him a bottle of her breast milk once a day and also encourage her to speak with a lactation expert, even if it is only over the phone. There are a lot of things she can do to make it easier on herself, many techniques, etc. Good luck to you and your friend!

Maybe she is experience post-natal depression. I had it with my second child and didn't even know it... I didn't know why I had no interest in this child... and I love children. If you are a really close friend, perhaps you can just be straight with her. If not, maybe you could have her mom or husband or someone talk to her.

Is it possible that your friend could be suffering from post partum depression? I can't imagine feeling that way either but I have heard that symptoms of ppd can be similar to what your describing. Instead of distancing yourself from her try having a heart to heart talk with her. Ask her what is going on and tell her your concerned for her but stop short of judging her as she might react defensively. Let her now that mothehood can be overwhelming and ask if needs help with anything. Everyone reponds to motherhood differently so this could be a cry for help and/or understanding.
On the flip side, if it isn't ppd or a situation where she is just having trouble adjusting then it could be that you too have very different parenting styles and the decision to distance yourself may be a good idea.

Yes, that sounds like post p. depression. You can talk about this disorder and give some info to your friend. There are great treatment options out there, so she can use them if she knows.

It sounds like your friend is suffering from postpartum depression. You obviously did not experience this, since you find her feelings and behavior strange. Be patient with her, do some research on this condition so that you will better understand what she is going though. It will go away with time.

It looks like other people have already brought it up but I'm majoring in Psychology and what you described sounds like it is possibly post partum depression. It could just be that she wasn't the ready to be a parent but with the possibility of it being post partum depression I would suggest you approach her gently about it. Tell her that you are surprised by what she says because you felt so differently about your own first. Suggest to her that maybe she should talk to some one about how she feels about being a mother. Even if she is not depressed she could be overwhelmed by being a mother for the first time and talking to a third party about it could help her deal with her feelings.

Good luck, try to stick with her.

What a wonderful friend you are for caring enough to try to help. Let's try and look at why she might be acting this way. It sounds like she is having trouble bonding with the baby. She might not even be aware of what she is doing. It could also be she doesn't feel comfortable with the awesome responsibility of a newborn and needs help from others. She also might be having PPD. I don't know if she took any parenting classes before the birth but even if she did, sometimes you are still overwhelmed when you get your bundle of joy home.

If she has some sort of a support system that is helpful and won't drive her nuts, I would get them involved. Have them not only help with the baby but try to give her a gentle nudge or two in the right direction. If she is having issues with PPS she might need medication and you would need to get a doctor involved.

Talk to her in a positive way, we all know how hard motherhood can be. Maybe she hasn't seen the joy it can bring to your heart yet.

Good luck and God Bless
O.

I have gone through a similar situation with a very close friend of mine and i made myself distant and over the year and ahalf of the babies life i feel like our friendship is no more.. SO if you are unable to talk to your friend about it, maybe write it down on a letter or something that way your friend can read it at her own pace and then make a lunch date to talk about it.. Good Luck

My two cents-

It could be postpartum depression talking, she may not have that strong of a mother instinct yet, or some people are much better with children when they are a little older. She also may be overwhelmed by the process (it is overwhelming for even the most perfect parent) and is not handling it with grace.

If I were you, I would relax, tone down the judgmental part of you and offer her some compassion rather than automatically coming down on her. Do know that she may not be accepting of your message.

N.

Wow-I don't always respond to these, but felt I had to. Your friend is probably suffering from pp depression and at the very least is exhausted and overwhelmed. She must not be a very good friend if this is how you are handling it. What she needs is support and to know that she is not alone. Not every person is born to be a mother, some of us have to work harder at it. I would be the first one to say that there are times when my kids were little that I wondered what the heck I was thinking. It doesn't mean I don't love my kids. She sounds to me like she needs help. Be someone for her to talk to instead of judging her.

K.,
I believe your friend needs professional help! First try having a talk with your friend about what you have observed and your concerns. If she does not admit to needing help, I would next talk to her husband. Her actions and comments should be reported to her doctor and the baby's doctor. If this mother does not have someone else with her all the time, what will she do to the baby if left alone???

You are not being judgemental. I am raising 2 sons, ages 11 and 23. I have never ever heard another mother say what your friend is saying.

I fear for the baby's wellbeing if this mother does not seek help. The way she is acting is NOT normal. Sounds like she has not bonded to the baby and instead this baby is disturbing her life.

Are you concerned for the safety of the baby? If so, act NOW with the mother and her husband if need be. If you don't get anywhere with them, can you contact her doctor directly?

I think you are being a good friend and looking out for the best interest of her baby, when she should be the natural one to do that. Is she immature and not mentally equipped to be a mother?

If she is complaining about that child, needing her a lot, that connection remains a lifetime. If she is struggling to cope now, what will she do as the years go by? Will she resent that child for disturbing her perfect peaceful life?

Children are a blessing and a joy. Your friend is missing all the precious moments by being self centered.

You have been around enough mothers for your gut to tell you something is horribly wrong. Listen to what your heart is telling you.

K.,
If you are really close then tell her how you feel, good friends DO call us out on our "stuff", in a loving and humble way. Her response you get may dictate the future of your relationship. If she is open to hearing you, then you will probably be closer, if she gets offended and upset, well, it may be time to send her love and be one your way. We choose our freinds and once we become parents, if they are not in line with our basic parenting style, then it is time to part ways. It does more damage to be judgemental about a friend than it does to say , "this path doesn't work for me" with love.
best wishes

Your friend sounds depressed - I would encourage her to get some professional attention, to rule out or diagnose PPD. That, or it could be that she's just not fond of the infant days. She may blossom as the mother of a toddler, or preschooler, etc. I hope she is able to recognize the joy of her son soon!

I feel for your friend - she is having a tough transition to motherhood. I did, too. What helped me was joining a new parents group at the hospital where I gave birth, and having supportive people around me. Your friend really needs support and to hear that she is doing fine and that everything will be okay. She does sound like she may have some post-partum depression, and she should really be encouraged to share her feelings with someone (her OB, even her baby's pediatrician). This is is not the time to "call her out". She's feeling what she's feeling and can get through it.

Hi K.,

Your friend needs you more than anything now. She may have postpartum depression. I have come in touch with it before through a friend of mine and it sure sounded similar. Mothers can perceive the baby as a burden, don't want to hold it, don't want to spend time with it.
I would talk to her husband about it, or her mother. I am not sure how she would react when you call her on it.

Good Luck,

J.

I know you are concerned and rightfully so....but it may not be your place to say something. If you see that they baby is in danger in anyway then yes step in. Be there for her in anyway you can but I wouldn't say anything. It's ashame because she will never be able to get this time back with her infant son. They grow so fast.

Is it possible that she is fighting her own form of Post-Partum depression? Maybe try talking to her about it in a serious way, or bring up the idea that she might be struggling with being a new mom. It doesn't come naturally to everyone, but it sounds like she is a little beyond that maybe she is fighting depression with negativity toward the baby and keeping busy. By talking to her about it in a non-judgemental way maybe she can get help instead of feeling worse for not feeling elated like all her friends with babies...

hi, i think for her to be that detached, she must have post partum depression and should see a dr. if its not a treatable medical/clinical problem, that poor kid!

Just because she doesn't feel the same way as you about her baby doesn't give you the right to tell her she is wrong. I also felt the same way as your friend it was a long hard adjustment for me to deal with someone who needed ALL my attention as I was so used to taking care of myself and doing my own thing. Being a parent isn't easy and great for everyone and it doesn't mean she is wrong. She just views it differently. You just need to support her and let her vent to you while she adjust. She isn't a bad person, she just had her world rocked and she feels overwhelmed. Please don't make her feel bad for her feelings.

Has your friend read The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff? If not, perhaps you could give her a copy. The Compleat Mother magazine offers wonderful articles by mothers who are enjoying parenting, letters to the editor from moms working on one or another aspect of mothering, etc. I wonder if she'd be interested in something like that, or Mothering Magazine is another good one. You might sit with her, tell her that she seems not to be enjoying her time as a new mother, explaining how this time is transitory, and she's only got one chance. She has agreed to take responsibility for her little son until he can care for himself. It is her responsibility to ensure the successful outcome of her son's first developmental task, which is to establish trust. That means she needs to respond to his needs and, yes, he is needy. He's a baby.

Remind her that, when her son nurses, she is releasing oxytocin and prolactin, the love hormones, essential for both her and her baby! Breastfeeding time is a lovely time to enjoy baby, and it's also a good time to get some reading in, too.

Ask her about her own childhood and whether her needs were met. Sometimes parents whose needs weren't met resent their children having those same needs. This isn't conscious, of course.

Many people have a notion about parenting but really no idea what it entails. It is a huge commitment to a new life, and the first years are the most important. After all, we don't want to raise children who have to go to therapy to recover from their childhood!

I think it would be really nice if you could try to talk with her. It would be good for her to have a friend into whom she can confide, it will be good for the baby if she hears you and can re-evaluate her role as mother and caregiver and the rewards of doing that job well, and it'll be good for you, too, because you'll have done what you can. And, finally, the best thing you can be is a good role model. Show her what loving a baby -- her baby -- looks like!

Does your friend have postpartum depression? Just a thought.

This is a sticky situation. I would be a friend and sit her down one day and have a heart to heart talk with her. Explaining to her as an outsider looking in and being a mom, what you hear and how it makes you feel. You already are at a point considering be-friending her, so if she totally blows you off, gets defensive and just says up yours, then you know where your friendship is.

A true friend would respect your concern. Give her the benefit of the doubt as well. Some people complain to get stress off their shoulders, for that is the only way they know how to communicate. May not be the proper way and may seem VERY negaitive but everyone communicates their frustration differently. Even suggest to her to go speak with a dr. about the post partum depression.

Having a new born and being a new mom is a very demanding job. She needs a support system, a friend and a forgiving ear. Give that talk a shot. At least you know in your heart you were being a friend and doing what you felt was right. Do repeat to her that you do NOT feel she is being a bad mom. Your concern is her feelings and how she feels overall. Stress to her you fully understand that having a child is a demanding job. But she just gave life to the most precious thing god could give her. To be thankful everyday for that gift, as some women have problems having children or can't have children on their own at all. Or miss carry left and right.

She should be thanking god for being able to bare children!!!

I thank god everyday for my son and he is my WORLD. A dream of mind became a reality. No one is ever ready for children. You have to be an adult, be responsible, and learn to love someone new.

I wish you luck and love to hear the outcome of this situation. Again, if she fails to see your concern as a friend, she doesn't deserve to have such a caring friend that you are.

Just my 2 cents...It sounds like you need to call her out on it. It also might be that your friend might be having a hard time coping with being a new mother, maybe post-pardum depression???I hope you hang in there and help your friend.Good luck :)

Your friend could be experiencing post-partum depression. She should have a talk with her doctor about how she feels so she can be diagnosed properly and get the care she needs.

A friend of mine went through PPD and didn't want to hold her child for three months! It's a very serious thing that should be addressed.

If it's not PPP and you are very good friends with her and are able to talk with her honestly, I would first let her talk about her true feelings. There is a lot of pressure on us moms to be "perfect". Society has defined what it is to be a mother and if you don't fit in that role, you are judged harshly. And when you are a new mom, there is a lot of pressure to be the one that the baby needs constantly. You tend to lose yourself in that first year because of the baby's constant needs. Perhaps she just needs to vent.

For my part, I love motherhood and everything about it. I feel the pressures but there is no greater joy to me than being able to love my kids and watch them grow and thrive. Not everyone feels the same.

And for your part, you should receive her comments without judging. Let her complain and get it all out. If she wants to switch to formula, there's no shame in that. My girlfriend was anxious to start losing her baby weight so she stopped breastfeeding after 3 months. It's everyone's personal choice.

Let her know what you have observed. She may want to consider a parenting class. Or even just a Mom's group where she can be with other moms. Maybe she just needs more support where she can hear from other moms who feel the frustration. I know why you cringe. I cringed as I read your post. But try and help her adjust to motherhood. Give her tips she can use to make her life easier. So she can get work done and still take the time to play with the baby.

Good luck.

Sounds like postpartum depression to me. You should be even more tender with her at this time. Ask her about her feelings, she may be trying to tell you her real feeling in that kind of harsh, joking way so that she doesn't have to feel bad or break down. But maybe she is just that way, you know her best.

K.,

Sounds like you had a great experience with your newborn. Though I don't know you and your friends' situation, I think you may be being too judgemental. While my husband and I are mature and responsible, and prepared well for having a baby, I found the first few months to be overwhelmingly difficult. Some people have a greater degree of "baby blues" than others, and you need to be sensitive of that. Though I cared about and worried about my baby the first two months of her life, I experienced very painful difficulties breastfeeding and moderate to severe baby blues. I felt overwhelmed all the time, and when I could get others to visit I wanted them to hold the baby just to give me a break from her constant demands. In time, I had to give up breastfeeding, but at the same time my hormones started to come back to normal and I started getting more rest and healing from labor. After two months or so, I was able to accept the demands of my baby with grace and grew to love all that comes with the title of Mother. Even the most prepared people can have a difficult time with the very real adjustment that a newborn causes in your life, not to mention the hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, body changes, baby blues, etc. Be a good friend and treat her with compassion, and see if she's able to grow out of this funk. You can also give her suggestions about techniques you found helpful in easing the stress of caring for a baby.

Good luck.
J.

I'm so glad to see all of these honest women. My baby had colic and was/is very sensitive and needy. No putting him down for even a moment or he would cry (so I had to hand him to someone just to pee or listen to him scream, which he did anyway for many hours of the day). Meanwhile my neighbor had a darling little lovie dovie of a baby who would stare happily at a mobile while you got your cup of tea and then coo at you lovingly. I wouldn't trade my little guy for the world, but I agree that mothering is hard, very very hard especially for those of us who have sensitive babies and what we need is support not judgments. Maybe you can be the person she hands her baby to when she needs a break.

I havn't gotten to read your responses but you are deffinatley not alone. Parenting is the hardest job and not all of us are really prepared for it and we'er not all going to like the parent someone is. I really think your concerns are real and to be a true friend you should speak up in the most respectful loving way possible. You've got nothing to lose( a friend who is only going to get worse) and everything to gain( helping that baby have the love and nurturing he needs). If this is not addressed it will certainly drive a wedge between you and your friend. I have had to let a friendship go because of this twice. It's very sad. But We really need to speak out for the baby. Maybe she'll listen. When I had my first and my husband worked 6 days a week when he came home I'd vent and tell him how hard the day was and basically complain. Finally he said to me in so many words, " look you wanted to be a mom more then anything, quit your complaining, and Enjoy it". It really hit home and I am proud to say I made a mental sift to not bombard him with problems when he came home and we live pretty much complaint free 3 kids later. I think your first baby is the hardest. You are giving up so much of your self and thats hard for some to learn to do.But we have to make the choice, what kind of parent do you want to be. And yes it is a sacrifice. Life will never be the same but there is no reward greater. I think you can't ignore what your feeling. It sounds harsh the way she speaks . If she isn't reseptive to a little friendly advice you'll have at least tried. You won't be the last friend she'll lose because of this. I'm with you on this one.

Yes! Rather than judging her, you should know that not all moms feel the same after having a baby. My first one was like that. I was exhausted and felt like what I had prayed for for so long was tearing me down. I didn't realize that my problem was physical. I had lost so much blood that I was very run down and I needed supplements to give me the strength to keep up with my baby. I also had PPD and at night especially I would just cry and cry from the stress. It took about 3 months to get over it, then I had a wonderful bonding with my first son.

My second son was the exact opposite. I had a c-section and was healthy and ready to walk out of there hours later. I never had the depression and I was so in love with that little bundle. I would stay up all night just to hold him and smell him.

If you can't support her, maybe you should walk away so she isn't hurt by your judgement. She needs a friend now. If you want to be one, suggest she see her doctor and talk about why it is so hard for her right now. Maybe helping her with the baby would be the best thing for her.

Some woman don't auto-bond w/ their baby, and that's ok. It could be the hormones, it could be partial post partum... it could be she's just not all that nurturing. I recall w/ my newborn son, calling my girlfriends and sharing the grueling stories of being a new mom - it was a relief to hear that they were going or had gone thru it too... the sore nips, the sleepless nights, their fragility, scary bathtime, the idea that it is a 24/7 job... that's a ton of change for most (especially w/o a helpful hubby - thank god for the ones who help!)

Differences make the world go round... it's ok she's not exactly like everyone else. If you need to back off for a while, then do so... but I wouldn't say anything to her... remember the hormones?! :) Friends are there for you thru thick or thin...

Maybe postpartum depression or had a very unattached mom when she was growing up. Hard one, I would probably try to broach it with "I" feelings you have had being a mother and see if it opens up any dialog.
Good luck.

I am no psychologist, but it sounds like post-partum depression. Maybe a gentle suggestion that she talk to a professional about how overwhelmed she feels? Or talk to her husband/mother/other relative about what you are noticing?

She just sounds really disconnected.

Just remember how overwhelming being a new parent can be. You are always tired and if she has postpartum depression to go along with being overwhelmed then maybe she just needs the encouraging words of a friend or family member. My suggestion is to support her as much as possible and make constructive suggestions when the time seems right. If she continues with this type of distant behavior when the baby is a month old, suggest she talk to her ob gyn about it and they can maybe get her some therapy for what she is experiencing.

This could very well be postpartum depression. It has many of the signs. Women with postpartum depression often try and hide they are experiencing it, as it frightens them, and they do not understand why they are feeling this way. You might approach her husband to discuss...If it is post partum depression she needs some help, and you may be able to help him recognize and seek help for her....
S.

Here are my thoughts...though I have not experienced this with a friend. I think you should tread lightly, there is the possibilty that she could have PPD. I think you shoudl have a conversation with her about hwo things are going, if motherhood is what she expected it to be, what she didn't expect etc. Sometimes it is really h*** o* women no matter how prepared they think they are. I was a nany for 8 years and thought I would be fine with my own baby, once I had him I suffered from severe PPD and coudln't figure out why this was happening to me... I didn't want to be alone with him, because I was scared...I woudl try to do normal household things to try and make myself feel normal. So maybe just check in with ehr to make sure she isn't going through something more serious...

Was your friend a bit on the negative side before the pregnancy and Baby? Sometimes stress can bring habitual things to almost obsessive things. Try the empathy route. Tell her you see her being overstressed about the new baby, ask her if she has consulted her dr. about possible post partum blues. Ask her if she feels like she has lost her indentity and no one is interested in her anymore only the baby. Maybe she is really struggling emotionally and it's a bid for some help. See if you can get her to talk about her negative feeings about motherhood. Encourage her with positive comments about the emotional rewards of Motherhood when she complains and how all the complete turning your world upside down that having a baby causes takes courage and indurance and looking for the moments of joy and peace that are also a part of it. Maybe she's just afraid about her capabilty and wants the reasurrance of someone else there. Maybe her anxiety gets soaked up like a sponge by the baby and causes him to be fussy with her and not with others. The constant holding of a baby a few weeks old is ok but pretty soon he will need to learn to be comfortable being on his own and watching a mobile and hearing soothing music ect. Of course I'm sure you knew that already but she might not. See if you can gently bring to her attention her negativity and your concern about her not just about her behavior.
I have struggled with depression for many years and constant negativity in some people can just be a really bad habit and in some people it can be a symptom of a deeper problem.
I'm 60, married 38 yrs and have 8 G-kids, 5 of whom I watch a couple times a week while my daughter is at work. The youngest is 22 months.

Maybe she is having a hard time adjusting and that is her way of dealing? it may take her a while to really feel like a mom. try and give her some time. an if things don't change, i can understand distancing yourself. maybe she will never get how wonderful it is to be a mom. in that case i feel sorry for her.

Ouch! I feel sorry for the baby, ya know? It sounds to me like she is a follower. This is why she had the baby, right? Show her constantly how great it feels to be needed and how wonderful it feels to just hold and hug your baby. Maybe she'll catch on. It seems like that baby needs you though. Use a third person scenario to show her how you feel about this neglect: tell her you know someone who doesn't Love being a Mommy and how crazy that is. It might put a burdon on her heart. You might also mention that "Failure to thrive" is an actuall medical condition caused by this particular behavior and mention the horrifying effects this has on the child - Not learning to walk, talk, or do normal activities until much later than other children. what shes setting herself up for is having to take care of the baby alot longer than a nurturing mommy will. Anyway, I wish you the best, and her too. How can someone NOT LOVE this :)

It looks like you got a lot of responses, but as a mother who went through a tough time at first, I thought I'd put in my two cents. After years of wanting to me a mom, going to school for child development, 10 months of trying, 9 months of a wonderful pregnancy, I discovered that I was NOT loving being a mom. I LOVE my daughter (now 19 months), but the fairytale I'd built up in my head and heart, was not my reality. Nursing hurt, I felt like my daughter only looked to me for food (because she cried whenever I held her unless she was eating), and I was not getting enough sleep. The house was (and is) always a mess and after 14 years of independence, I no longer had any time to myself. Maybe your friend is experiencing some similar feelings and isn't very good at expressing them. Try asking her how she is feeling--perhaps her complaints are really cries for help.

She sounds like she doesn't trust herself at all.

Has she been diagnosed with PPD?

Wow that sounds like a very difficult situation. Perhaps she is completely overwhelmed about her new role as mother. While I didn't complain out loud or feel the exact same way your friend is feeling, I did have a very tough time the first few months. Maybe she's suffering from Post Partum Depression. Can you find a way to bring that up and connect with her or tell someone else close to her about the possibility? You may have to distance yourself, after all people do change once they have children, just not usually in this dramatic way. You're a good friend for spending so much time with her and her new baby, but maybe it's time to stop...for your own sanity. But seriously I would try to get her some help first! Good luck.

perhaps she's suffering from some postpartum depression?

Shoshanna Bennett is a fantastic therapist who specializes in post partum depression, please give her name to your friend and encourage her to get some professional support.

Hi K.,
It's so difficult to watch someone you care about being unconscientious with a small child, especially their own! It's a fine line to walk between judgement and compassion. I wonder if you could offer her the book entitled "You are Your Child's First Teacher" by Rahima Baldwin (midwife and teacher). This book gently offers a wider perspective on parenting while acknowledging the difficulties one goes through in the process. OR you might get the book yourself, read it and find ways to introduce some of these ideas to her in a gentle way that she will hear and hopefully take into her consciousness.
Is her husband accessible? Could you speak with him about parenting? Or perhaps your husband could approach him with some friendly advice?

WIshing you both well.......J. Birns
Waldorf Educator - Mother of 2

Hi K.,
It sounds like your friend is going through some level of postp. depression. I urge you to be careful how you approach your friend. May I suggest that you actually try and spend more time with her rather than less. It sounds like she is crying out for help. It's a very difficult transition into motherhood for some women. Some form of couseling seems best, but if you are not comfortable suggesting it, then begin asking her questions (very innocently) when she starts complaining. Maybe start with, " I understand how you feel, share a similar experience, and end with it does get easier.
Hope this helps. Good luck.

It sounds like your friend may have post postpartum depression (PPD). I'm no doctor, and although she doesn't seem depressed, some of the symptoms you describe are also symptoms of PPD. Perhaps you could talk to your doctor about the signs and if s/he has any suggestions for you. It takes many mothers a while to experience joy being a mother since it is sooooo hard in the beginning, but this sounds more than that.

Other than bringing up the issue of PPD, there is nothing that you can really say or do. I would talk to her about PPD and see if she is receptive to hearing what you have to say. We all parent so differantly and so we all handle being new mommies differantly. I have 4 kids, expecting #5 in Feb, and have not had a problem with any of my babies. No PPD and had not ever had any feelings of regret or resentment. I know other women that have struggled with PPD, one whom would love to have more children but because of her PPD, they have both decided not to have anymore. It must be so hard to go through something like that, my heart goes out to these women. I also know several women that love their baby, do not have PPD, but need a lot of help and support. There is nothing wrong with that. If they have it, why not use it. As a friend all you can do is share your concern with her about the PPD, and then possibly distance yourself. You are not doing her or yourself any favors by being there with a judgemental heart and lack of compassion. Sometimes with friends or family, changes happen and the best thing we can do is put distance between ourselves. Pray for her to get help and then maybe one day your friendship can come together again. I know that I have a few dear friends of mine that would do just what I am telling you to do, and I love them dearly for that. They are true friends. Hope this helps.

Do you think she is experiencing post partum? ALL those things sound like they could be post partum to me. I went thru this recently with my second child (not horribly bad) but for a few weeks I felt this horrible dis-connect with my new baby...my suggestion to talk to her about it. Or stand by her side thru it, there will be a breaking point where she's going to need some help.

K.

WOW K.
been there in fact I'm in it right now to. so when I do see her or she around and my friend make a bad comment I make a good one in the same way she makes her's and what I am trying to do is limit my time with here cause I don't want her negative thinking getting to me I love being a mom of 4 wonderful children there are other moms that enjoy being a mom to find them until then just limit your time with her and its eating you type a letter to her and mail it and just don't put your name on it or return address you never know it might work Good luck and God Bless you and your Family Danielle mother of 4

Hi K..
Do not feel badly. It's hard -not- to judge. I know you'll get a lot of advice on this. But, the bottom-line is you owe it to your friend -and- to her baby to talk with her about how she's feeling. If you are too harsh she will turn away. But, you cannot fix something without bringing the appropriate tools. Apparently, she is having attachment difficulties.
My suggestion is to put love, understanding, and a listening ear in your tool box. Let her know there is something very important you need to talk with her about. Then let her know you have noticed she may not be feeling comfortable caring for her son and you'd like to help her settle in. Ask her open ended questions like - 'How do you feel about holding him?'. 'What happens when he cries in the middle of the night?'. 'How do you feel about other people holding him? Does it ever scare you?...' Basically, get her to answer questions through talking beyond yes and no.
When you are able to get her feelings into the open, and without prejudice, you may discover she's feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, or even feeling guilty she hasn't made the same attachment other moms/dads have.
The goal is to let her know you care enough to support her efforts. But, you also want to encourage to try to attach and become more responsible. She may not even realize the perception you (and most likely others) have. You've been friends for a long time. Don't abandon her when you obviously needs you more than ever.
Best wishes to all of you!
K.

K.-I don't think that you are being too judgemental. I can not imagine feeling that way toward my daughter, especially when they are that little! When my daughter was a baby, I had to MAKE myself put her down from time to time...I just wanted to be w/her and hold her ALL the time! One thing that came to mind when I read your request was that she may be suffering from some form of Post Partum Depression and might need to go see her doctor about it. How is your relationship with your friend? Do you think the two of you are close enough that you could talk to her about it? If so, just tell her that she seems a little "down" to you and you are worried that she may be suffering from Post Partum Depression and you are concerned about her and only want the best for her and her family. How is her husband with the baby? Are you pretty good friends with him? If so, you may want to approach him with her indifference and your concern for her and the baby if you don't think you can approach her with it. Another thing that came to mind is her age. Is she really young? Regardless of age, but more so for younger mothers, it can all be very overwhelming...the responsibility of a new life that is totally dependant on you, and that you thought you could handle before you had the baby, but now that the baby is here, you wonder if you can really handle it properly. Plus, if she got pregnant for the reasons you believe she did, she may be having second thoughts and FEARS that are causing her indifference to her child. Regardless of all this, she does have a child that needs a warm and loving family to be there for him, and she does not seem to be providing that for him right now. She really needs to seek some kind of help to get her over whatever it is that is causing her behavior towards her child for her whole family's sake, but especially for her son's sake. I think that somewhere deep down, she knows she has a problem too...that is why she never "directly" says anything negative about being a mother, and only hints at it. I think that is partly out of guilt for feeling the way she does, and maybe not knowing exactly why. I believe you have a valid concern that needs to be addressed before things go from being bad to worse!

That is so sad! I wonder if your friend is feeling overwhelmed and possibly depressed. The dream of motherhood (peaceful, sleeping baby) and the reality (adorable, needy, crying baby) of motherhood can be quite different for some people. Especially if they have not been around babies very much (read: hands on with babies vs. a friend makes mothering look so easy).
Is her husband supportive, or "absent" when the baby needs something? Maybe your friend should talk to her doctor about her feelings. If you do not think she will be receptive to that idea, maybe her husband or a family member would be. It is a difficult ground to tread on, and may offend her or her husband. Good luck.

Hi K.,
You are right, there are many different ways to approach parenting styles. Your friend sounds like she's insecure about parenting, over time, I'm not sure if she'll stop complaining, be a good friend and try to compliment her on what's she's doing.
Hopefully once she realizes that what she's doing is okay, maybe the natural mother will come out with less comments.
Bite your tongue a little longer, I hope it will get better.

N|Hi K.,
I think your friend may have a bad case of post-partum depression. You'd be doing her a real favor (and her baby!) if you suggested she mention her feelings to her doc or OB. We all have those feelings sometimes, especially at the beginning, but she sounds like she's drowning in them.

Hello K.
Since this mother just had the baby a couple of weeks ago she is probably experiencing post-partum depression or blues.. after child-bearing our hormones are all mixed up and crazy for a while. The amount of time this lasts and the intensity differs with every woman. It is a huge responsibility (as you know :) to raise a child and for some people this can be very overwhelming as they get used to their new role in life. You seem like you are a good friend to her and a good support.. if you are very close to her still continue to keep an eye on her and even talk to her about post-partum depression. She may not even know why she is having these feelings and she may feel very guilty about it. If her symptoms persist or worsen be sure to contact her physician and she should also discuss these feelings with her physician at her next post natal appointment. Hang in there and give her lots of love and support and remember back to right after you had your little bundle of joy. Parenting is one of, if not the hardest jobs on earth... it is also the most rewarding and biggest blessing. God Bless you, your friend, and your families.

Hi K.. This is a really hard situation. I had a friend who maybe wasn't quite this extreme but close. She made comments like my husband and I don't like babies, we like when they're around 10 and all the baby does is cry and I'm tired of picking him up...stuff like that. It is really disheartening for us other moms!! Unfortunately I had to end our friendship..we actually only knew each other for several months and although she lives only a few miles away we don't have any connections..we don't go to the same stores and neighborhoods .. so I guess I'm lucky, it wasn't a very close friend. I just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore! Now my brother and sister in law just had a baby.. she had to go through fertility eventhough she's fairly young. Her baby was born about 5 weeks early- premi.. now she too is complaining and it's crazy!! She says I have no life all I do is for the baby!..I know that it's hard with your first..adjusting but wow!! She too had a baby (I think) because of peer pressure!!! I wasn't so close with them but I've really distanced myself a lot.. just as you are doing! I've come to the point where I just want supportive and positive people in my life and I can't save people from themselves!!!..People like that unfortunately bring you down! Be the strong mom that you are and let her take her path! Since having kids I've learned a lot about friends... you don't have as many.. life changes and now you're responsible for these little humans.. it almost becomes a moral issue!! Do what's right for your family!!!! Good luck!!

I have a friend who has this very similar style. In her case, she had a very preemie baby and wasn't able to bond with the baby due to the extended hospital stay. That is what led her into postpartum depression. It took more than six months for her to get help - everyone in her family kind of ignored it, but we close friends were like, um, this isn't normal, even with a preemie. We didn't say anything at first, then finally we started asking the family to look into it and step in. I would do the same with your friend and if the family won't help, step in yourself.

On another note, while it sounds to me like your friend does have PPD, I do think there are people that as much as they love their kids, really can't help but complain and do see kids as a burden. Parenting doesn't come naturally to every woman despite what you hear in the media. And parents are better at some stages than at other. Some parents have a tough time with the infant years, but breeze through the toddler years when their kids become more mobile and self sufficient. Or vice versa, etc.

After the PPD is dealt with perhaps you could go with her to a parenting class and in your conversations with her ask her to keep it positive so she is retrained to see the good of having a child in her life.

Having a baby can be a bigger adjustment for some than others. Some respondants suggest that she may have post-partum depression. For me, I had a VERY difficult time adjusting to being a mom. I will spare you the details, but I am now on my third baby in three years and very happy (most days). I got through the adjustment of having my first baby by creating a support group for moms going through the same thing. There was no such group in my area that I could find. It can sometimes be almost impossible for moms who are not going through it to appreciate what these other moms are going through. In fact, being around well-adjusted joyful moms made me feel worse and more like something was wrong with me. If the opportunity arises, I would suggest she find other moms in the same situation for support, and of course seeing her doctor to find out if she is depressed. Give her time and try not to be too judgmental. I know it's hard for you to comprehend and I can appreciate that, but it doesn't make her a bad mom or a bad person. She probably just needs some time and support.
N.

I don't think your being judgemental at all. This is sad that she feels this way...maybe she is experiencing post partum depression? I would diffinitely sit with her and talk to her about her feeling and give her some advice!

Call her out! She seems as though she does not want this child.

I feel for you and for your friend. It isn't easy to watch someone who needs help and not be judgmental. But it does sound to me that your friend has PPD or was perhaps not "ready" to be a mom. I hate to say it, but some women just don't realize the life change a baby brings and can't deal with the needs of another dependent person. You are a good friend to care and seek advice. I think she needs help AND she should join a support group/mommies group of some sort. I don't know what her husband's relationship to the child is like, or how involved he is, but it sounds like he might be a good person to approach on helping your friend get some help. I think you should still be supportive of your friend, though. She's going to need people like you in her life right now, even though you feel like distancing yourself from her.

Don't forget to find someone to talk to yourself. This is obviously affecting you emotionally (otherwise you wouldn't care as much as you do), it would be a bad thing if you started getting depressed and had it affect other people in your life.

My heart goes out to you and your friend. I hope she gets some help soon!

It seems to me that she is going by post-partum depression. She needs a lot of support and maybe recommending some help. Sometimes a new mothers group helps to understand that she is not alone. It seems to me that she is feeling overwhelmed with all the responsabilites of a new mother. I'm sure she is feeling as a bad mother and I'm sure she is not. My suggestion is to support her and normalize the situation and encourage her to bond that things will get much better.

good luck!

Wow, this is a tough one! I don't have any personal experience with this, all I can say is that I think you should talk to your friend about what you are seeing and hearing. Perhaps if you talk to her about her selfish, callous behavior, and suggest to her that it just feels like something is not right...Maybe she should talk to her doctor (I have herd that postpartum depression can affect some moms this way.) If that is not the case I suppose you must just watch and wait to see where your friendship goes. I would have a very hard time with a friend that behaved this way, good luck,...and you are not being judgmental you can not help how her behavior makes you feel...your feelings are valid.

that is a hard situation, your friend is probably postpartum adjusting to being a new mom, and it may take some time for her to bond and realise how special this time really is. She needs a friend like you to help her see how special this time is, talk to her about how you felt with your newborn and tell her it is hard and is okay to complain and not be totally blissed out but to enjoy this time now because the babies are only so little for so long. if she goes on and on, tell her to chill out and that you know it can be hard at times but to focus on the positive things of mommyhood
hope this helps

I think that you are right to be concerned with this friend's behavior. Can you talk with her one day while you are visiting and holding the baby? Ask her about how she feels about having all this new responsibility, and if it really is more than she wants in this life. Does she resent the infancy phase, or the whole parenting role? Gently say to her that you are concerned about both her and the baby, and if she is really unhappy, there are safe options to explore. Not everyone is made for parenting...but there are plenty of families who would accept a healthy newborn with open arms. It would be more of a travesty for her to keep a child that she resents--a difficult life for a child. I have a sister-in-law who was like this...my nephew and niece are 12 and 11...and their mother has never even tried to feed, clothe, educate, nurture, love anyone but herself, and it shows in the faces of these children. My brother works full-time and does everything for the kids, but they know that their mother is lacking...and it is very sad. Listen to your intuition and talk to this woman. Maybe she is not aware of how her behavior is making an impact on her peers and her baby. Good luck and prayers for this situation.

Sounds like she's suffering from sleep-deprivation and post-partum depression. Talk to her about it. Maybe say something like, "I've noticed that you're having a hard time, and it's probably not good to go on like this. I'm worried about you and your baby. Have you talked to your doctor about this, or can I offer some advice?" She obviously needs some help of some sort. She has to grow up and realize that she's The Mom now and be able to take on the responsibility. I hope she can do it. You're a good friend to take notice.

Hi K.,
I think you should consider yourself lucky that you have a strong maternal bond with your baby. I am grateful that I had a strong bond with my son after he was born. It might not come naturally to all. To tell you the truth you are being judgmental, butvI do not think there is anything wrong with you developing a feeling or opinion from your observations (I do it all the time). I do not think it is always the best thing to give your hurtful opinion, rather ask her how she is feeling or see if there is anything you can say she can look forward to if you have older children and if you know of support groups give her the information. You might not be the best person to give her the help since you see her in a negative light right now (I am basing this off of your comments about her). If what you see is correct she might laugh at your support group comment leave her baby with her mother-in-law and go to the spa.
:) S.

I don’t think it's that you are being judgmental but that you don’t understand how someone can feel that way about a baby. I too thought the same way about a friend of mine who would complain about her newborn and how she would put the baby outside on the porch because she was crying. My friend also got pregnant because all of her friends and sister were. She was a bit spoiled and set in her carefree ways and now she had a baby that needed her 24/7. I felt like telling her, Hello…it’s a baby, of course it’s going to need you…this is what you signed up for don’t take it out on the baby. But I didn’t it would have made things worse for her. I gave her time and told her how lucky she was to have such a beautiful and healthy baby. I added that so many people want babies but can’t and how blessed she was. She probably thought I was nuts but now she is a wonderful mom. She did have a little post partum depression and got meds to help her. You are a good friend for seeking help for her. You have gotten a lot of good advice already and I just wanted to add that you should continue to help your friend by being supportive and helping her cope with her feelings.

Any chance it could be post-partum depression? When some people are TIRED and BURNT they don't get weepy, they get sarcastic and very emotionally distant. It sounds like she is really emotionally distant, and doesn't have the bandwidth to find the joy in parenting.

Encourage her to find support for her feelings? or councilling?

Hi K.,

Some of the things you described sound a little like what I went through when my son was a few weeks to a few months old. I was suffering from post partum depression. I regretted having my son, I felt like I couldn't get anything done and I cried constantly. I was also in denial about needing help. You friend may be having a rough time adjusting to the fact that her life will NEVER be the same. I finally got some help through my OB and went on zoloft. Within a week I was feeling better and crying less. Everyone is different and we don't all embrace motherhood the same. Be patient and supportive with your friend. Good luck!

J.

K., To me it doesn't seem as what you are describing is so much as a parenting style as a friend in pain reaching out for support. I imagine she has always expressed herself in a similar manner, you're just noticing it more now. Also, not everyone responds to pregnancy and new motherhood the same way as you can see with the many responses. With that said, decide how you want to respond to her needs. If it is too much that you feel the need to judge and then confront her then certainly distance yourself. If you feel you can be supportive and guide her to be more positive, then do so. Just remember that we all experience things differently, we all have a different perspective of children based on our own background and experience, and so we will all treat our children differenly.

Yes--you're being a bit too judgemental at this stage of the game. She's only been a mom for a few weeks, and as I recall, those first few weeks, especially with the 1st baby, can be TERRIBLE!!! It is a huge life change, and not everyone loves little babies--I love the babies, but hate feeling like the "cow"--only there to feed them. Complaining is a coping mechanism, so give her that. Be there to support her. She obviously needs your help and support at this difficult time, and not your criticism, so bite your tongue for the time being. And know that at a few weeks, this isn't yet a "parenting style". When the kid is 2 and she's ignoring him when he's playing with sissors or letting just eat dry cereal out of the box for every meal, then you can say something!

I went through postartum depression and had a hard time connecting with my baby as a newborn. I adore him now and can't get enough of him. Maybe you should see if your friend is having a hard time also and actually try to help her.

I'll bet you'll get a lot of responses with this one... My initial feeling is that your friend may be suffering from post-partum depression, and she may not even realize it.

I have no idea what kind of person she is, so maybe you are right and she really only wanted a child because everyone else was doing it. Either way she should get some kind of help... if she did have the baby because she thought it was just the thing to do she may be overwhelmed by just how much work it does take and that will not lessen. She should see someone to talk about why she feels this way now that the baby is here.

If she does have depression she needs help for that too. As the sleep deprivation continues this will not get better and will not be good for her or the baby.

As far as the approach goes, I would speak to her out of genuine concern. Maybe start by saying..." I'm really concerned about you. It seems like since the baby came you are having a hard time. Believe me, I remember how hard it was when I had my first child. Are you finding it hard to be a new mom?" And let it go from there. Maybe she needs someone to open it up and someone who she can relate to because of your experience as a mom. Or maybe she doesn't even realize that the way she's acting is abnormal.

Good luck. You're a good friend to care enough to be concerned.

I think I would have a very hard time taking the attitude you're describing as well. Kudos to you for your patience and desiring to find a diplomatic and nonjudgemental approach, I don't know how I'd hold up. You might actually get through to her, if you share some of what you're sharing here, in the same tone of bewilderment. If she doesn't feel judged but realizes that motherhood is about putting someone else's needs AT LEAST on a par with her own, you will have achieved a great deal.

Sounds like she may have a little P. P. depression. I had after both of my deliveries. It can take two years for your hormones to regulate after a baby. It was different both times for me. It also sounds like she is overwelmed. Your friends can tell you how much work a child is, but you never know until it happens. Try giving her some assurances that she can be a mother and a good one. Also remind her that she is not alone in her feelings. She is probably used to her husband, her friends, and her family doing things for her and now, not only is she spending all her time on some one else but every one else is doing things and giving things to the baby. Sounds selfish, but her life until that baby was born was all about her. She might feel not capable of taking care of a baby and that is why she doesn't want to be left alone and she is coming up with excuses not to. Maybe one child is good for them. Don't get me wrong I love both of my daughters,they are the best gifts I could have been given, but not once did some one do something for me yesterday. A man didn't even hold the door open for me at the bank. All the little things add up. I even had to ask my husband for a kiss good night. She might feel like she lost her identity and like a tool instead of a person. Clip a flower out of your yard and take the time to go let her cry on your shoulder, or just to have some adult talk, that might really help that someone is listening to her. If she is dealing with depression it is probably good that someone is there to make sure nothing happens. Good luck but don't give up.

This is going to be fast because my kids are needing me but I just read this..first thoughts, post partem adjustments, her relationship with her self, her parents, spouse, faith, etc.

She needs modeling. Healthy attached loving modeling. I understand the desire to distance and it will only leave her less supported which is sounds like what she needs.

I also got a sense that there is something in you that her parenting triggers. Her style is not you. You are two different individuals. I think it is important to keep that in mind when you are thinking of ending a friendship because it will show up again in others. To sum it up, your friend can learn a lot from you, without you confronting her.

best of luck and sorry this is fast and without time to edit and reflect on thoughts.

You must have a text-book or angel child (according to the book, "The Secret of the Baby Whisperers") and she must have fussy/high need child (according to the book, "The Fussy Baby Book"). The first author was a nanny who cared for over 1000 babies. The second author has 7 children and has been a pediatrician for hundreds of babies/kids. His 6th child was high need and I believe he has one with special needs as well. These people have seen it all.

Each mother/child experience is different. One of my kids is a text-book baby. My other child, however, was extremely coliky due to acid reflux and didn't sleep through the night until she was 4-1/2 years old due to food allergies from nursing. I'm prone to depression if I don't get much rest/sleep, so I had PPD until my daughter was sleeping a little better at around 4 years old, but still waking up once a night. That's when my senses came back and was finally ready to have another child. If your friend's child is not sleeping through the night or if she's not getting enough sleep, it's most likely PPD which will go away once her sleep returns. She probably needs you most right now. I remember feeling so lonely and isolated, which made matters worse.

Another possibility is that her depression is suppressing her appetite. The lack of appetite causes insomnia, which feeds depression. One of my friend's got into this type of vicious cycle when he came down with a medical problem which his doctors couldn't figure out for quite a while.

Maybe your friend is experiencing post-pardum blues. I think you should talk to her in a loving way and let her know that you are concerned and that you feel she should speak to her doctor about it. It's better to do that than find out she has post-pardum blues and harms the baby someway.

I hope this helps.

I have felt the same way you do. I am unable to empathize in situations like these. I don't know the level or depth of your friendship, and you might not either until you ask her this, but try asking her if it would be okay for you to try to change her mind? Ask her if she would like the feeling of burden lifted. Ask her if she would like to FEEL differently about having a baby. Whether you two talk on this level is irrelevant, there is a baby needing a momma and if you can help then you should. Explain that you understand how hard it can be, and add that you also know how magical it can be and you really want to share that with her so she can know the magic of her own son. Direct her to this site, I get the Daily Groove and this guy has a GREAT perspective, I totally agree with everything I've received so far. If you have some kind of mommy group or know of one suggest that she join. Point out something wonderful when she has a complaint. When other moms would be whining about howmany diapers they had to change, I would always say "I love doing EVERYTHING for my baby". every time she needed a diaper change I was excited that I got to do something else for her. It is an honor that God trusted me with another life, I made it my own life to be the best thing I can be for her. Share your thoughts, share your feelings, maybe no one else is doing this for her???

Please just be careful about what you say to her...I have a 5 year old and another on the way, and I felt similar to what you are describing in your friend. Having your first child is a very difficult adjustment for some people. I thought I would feel this instant connection with my child and I didn't. I felt horrible. I was anxious all the time and didn't know what to do. I felt like I always needed someone there with me to help and felt like a failure as a mother...it was post partum depression and it was very difficult. If anything, try to suggest to your friend that this might be the case with her and to get help right away. I sure wish someone had suggested it to me instead of critisizing what I was doing wrong so I could have gotten help sooner.