My husband and I were having a argument because I feel he spends more time with his friends then with our two daughters and myself. During the argument I said out of anger "you should sleep with your friend" which led him to say "I don't have to I could sleep with another women today if I wanted to" (minus some curses on both our Parts lol. But from that one sentence I decided to tell him to tell him to get out of course before that I told him i could do the same thing if I wanted to. So he left and I honestly didn't want it to go that far but I feel like if he said that then maybe there is a potential women that's been raking the time I believe he's with his friends. So I didn't want him in my house with thoughts in my head that he's cheating. Problem is its been two days and he hasn't called or try to fix what he said at all, he just sent a text saying that he now knows I'm with someone else and its fine. I'm not with anyone else I said it out of anger cause he said it.
Now I'm thinking the text maybe means he's okay with me being with someone cause he is too. Now I don't know if what I did was right because this is no where near what I wanted, I just wanted him to spend time with us as well. I know the friend he's with all the time cause he calls me for my husband and my husband calls me from his phone when their together but that doesn't mean there's no women. I wasn't even thinking that was the case until he said that one sentence. Now I don't know what I should do. Please any advice works :(
thanks to everyone, i called him we spoke and talked about fighting fair and hes been back for the last 5days. sorry on the delay.
I agree with the other posts. Call him and tell you would like him to come home and that you need to talk. Tell him first that you are sorry about the argument and that you are NOT with someone else. Tell him how you feel and that you want to spend more time with him.
If you love him, tell him that. If you don't want him to assume you're cheating, don't assume he's cheating. Sounds like you could both use a good marriage councelor to work on the marriage/ family issues.
I was very confused as to the tone of this post, because it sounded to me like a fight you would have with a boyfriend or significant other but with your husband?
I went back and looked at your previous question from June and you called him your boyfriend then...have you married sense then or is he still just a boyfriend? I ask because when you are married there is a commitment to be faithful to each other because it is a vow you make in front of family and friends and if you believe a vow to God...and the biggie to each other that you will only love and be with each other...
Now I am NOT saying you should run out and get married...however this sounds like a girlfriend/boyfriend fight that would have ended that dating relationship for me. You have kids together, so obviously this is more than just a dating relationship. IF you want it to be more (in other ways besides just having kids together) than that you are both going to need to start learning how to fight fair and not say things like this to each other, it is just not mature.
Invite him back if you want him to come home...you told him to leave. But if you can't afford counseling there are many many books out there you can check out from the library, about how to fight fair with your mate and how couples can resolve conflicts with out yelling and cussing at each other.
Good luck.
He probably said what he said in anger too. Call him or e-mail him and apologize. Tell him you're sorry about having the argument and you want to start over with both of you talking about what you want and need.
Be positive when you talk with him. Be sure that all of your statements are I statements. For example, instead of saying you spend more time with your friends than with us. Say, we want to spend more time with you. I miss you. How can we make that happen? When you stick with how you're feeling you won't get into this sort of argument so easily.
The second important way to have a productive conversation is to not talk when either one of you is angry. Immediately declare a time out when an argument gets started and agree to talk about it later.
Look up the web site for non-violent communication. This way of communicating will help you to get what you want and need without all the angry accusations.
Call him. Ask him to come home. Try to discuss it. Apologize for what you said. Take the high road. Tell him what you are thinking. Explain that you are not seeing anyone, nor do you want to. Tell him you and the kids NEED him. Let him know how it is effecting you and the children. Confused? Traumatized? Behavior problems? Trouble sleeping?
Above all, PRAY!! May God Bless and Keep You!
EDIT: Re: Marda's comment: Check out this website: http://www.pndc.com/
I HIGHLY recommend Sharon Ellison's books and methods.
C. -
Sorry you're going through such a difficult time. The power of our words is amazing. We hurt so we lash out, cause hurt, and a hurtful reply comes our way. Mending the hurt feelings, regaining the trust, and sorting out what is true is now your challenge. You and your husband need to sit down and have a very honest talk with one another. Tell him you regret what you said, and that you were only trying to convey your hurt and desire to have your and your children paid more attention to. Tell him you do not have, nor want, another man. Then, it is his turn to be completely honest with you. Is there another woman? Someone he is feeling something for that is tempting him? Where you go from there will depend on his answer, but it sounds as though some marital counseling is in order. Again, so sorry for your hurt. Brutal honesty is the only way through it at this point. For good or bad, you both need to say what you are truly feeling and decide how to move forward.
Best wishes for things to turn out the way you want them to.
I suggest reading "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I have seen others post it on this website and I stumbled across it at Goodwill last week so I bought it. I have been reading it since and it's very insightful and very good. Although I'm not a SAHM, it gives some wonderful advice about men. Good luck.
Things are said in anger and once you cool off, then things are usually settled. It sounds like he's hiding something but you need to find out for sure. Talk to him about it. Ask him to be completely honest with you. Tell him exactly what you told us. Good luck!
I think we all say things one time or another that we don't really mean out of anger. Is there any other reasons why you wouldn't trust him otherwise? Or is it just the statement itself that bugs you? I think you are reading into it a little more OR perhaps your gut had been telling you otherwise in the first place but you decided to "ignore" the signs. Usually with most women they know when their man is cheating and there are signs we just decide to ignore them until hard proof evidence hits us in the forehead. I don't know why it is that way but sometimes it just is. I am not saying your husband is indeed cheating on you and you need to text him back and tell him you both need to sit down and talk and don't make accusations just tell him how you feel and that you want to spend more time with him as a family and wife. If he doesn't appreciate that and want that too then your directions in life might just be different unfortunately. Tell him you are sorry-even if you feel like he owes you the apology first.
Did you get married since June (I saw your query then that called him your boyfriend). There's a big difference between 'boyfriend' and 'husband' even if you've been together for years.
And after reading the June query, I wonder, "Do you really WANT him back?"
k
I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Hopefully by now it's resolved.
People say things out of anger and you did push the button to allow it to flow. The bottom line is that you should be able to trust your husband which it sounds like you do. If you don't trust him and think he's in another relationship, then you'll have to decide whether or not that's ok with you.
If you do trust him, let him know that you do- and are just feeling jealous of the time he spends with his friend. Pushing to have someone spend time with you will most likely backfire. Asking someone to spend more time with you will not resolve your feelings. You need him to show you-meaning specifically invite him to be a part of the family. For example 'hey the kids and i were thinking that we'd watch a movie tonight and we'd love it if you could be a part of it.' See what his response is. There will be some nights that he may need to be with friends yet it shouldn't be more time then with you and your family. So if he's not making adjustments to his schedule with specific invitations, I'd question his commitment....
Ugh. I will be the harsh one. Based on what you've said here... what's the difference? He wasn't around before, why have him back? I read a book once called, Too good to leave, too bad to stay. Sounds like him. You love him and have a history, big deal. He does not sound like a good husband or father. You won't find better until he is gone. Sorry to be harsh, but the way he jumped into accusing you of cheating, leads me to believe he's covering for himself. I've been there. Good luck.
Wow. Sounds like that got WAY out of control. Listen, clearly you guys need to have an open, honest conversation with each other and sort out all of this anger, confusion and resentment. You shouldn't hold his comments during the fight against him just like he shouldn't hold yours against you. Doesn't matter that he said it first, you said it too. Were you being serious? Then why are you assuming that he was?
It feels like there might be more going on here than we know (and after reading your previous post, I'm certain there is). Do you have other reasons to fear he's being unfaithful? How long have the two of you been married? I know my hubby and I have had some NASTY fights and said some pretty wretched things to each other, but they've always stopped short of someone getting kicked out....let alone for days.
Look, no matter what your situation, nothing is going to get resolved unless you guys are communicating. Find a way to have a calm, mature discussion with this man about your feelings and the state of your marriage or things will only get worse.
Once this has settled, I HIGHLY recommend you guys get some marriage counseling. Or even find a local church (if you're not already attending) that offers good, Bible-based marraige enrichment classes. I'm sure many are available for free online as well.
In the meantime, hang in there. And if you're a believer, pray hard for husband and your marraige. And then...cast your burdens on Christ, because He doesn't want you to go through this alone.
Much love,
-S.
I highly recommend the movie Fireproof. Besides being a good movie, it will change the way you see life with your man. It did mine.
C., My heart goes out to you. I have been married for 9 years and I can tell you that this argument you are having is no laughing matter. If you want to save your marriage, you need to apologize (even if he doesn't ) and try to reconcile. Also, sounds like you both could use some counseling to learn how to treat each other and to find out the deeper issues behind why you aren't spending time together. Act quick because contrary to popular belief, "Absence DOES NOT make the heart grow fonder...it only makes the heart to wander." The longer he stays away, the harder it may be for him to come home. Don't assume he's cheating until you have real evidence. Wishing you the best and praying you don't let your marriage become another divorce statistic for the sake of your kids. Marriage takes a lot of work, but it's worth it. R., happily married midwife mom of 3.
