Schould My Mother in Law Make a Second 1St Birthday Celebration at Her House?

Updated on November 27, 2017
B.M. asks from Moreno Valley, CA
15 answers

My husband, me and my family have planned to make my son's first bday and my mom's house since it's the norm since we live there. We agreed. However , his mother said " why don't we celebrate here at my house and I buy a cake" he said why". And she said since one of your sisters is working.
I'm upset because I knew she was going to cone up worth sick a thing. His family didn't even attend to the baby shower I had ir got my baby anything. I was there when she asked but she always only asks my husband things Nobody in his family ask me my opinion even when they need something from me like my credit cards . Anyways this is going on and 7 months prior we were living at her house and she from the living room to the upstairs while me and my baby were still sleeping to get out of her house. She bearly apologized 6 months after and said it was because she was mad at her son.

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W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

Welcome to mamapedia!!

B.....you need a lesson in life. **YOU** owe your MIL an apology - you were living HER - NOT the other way around.

The First birthday is more for the parents instead of the baby. Do you remember your first birthday? If you do? You might be the ONLY ONE on earth who does. What's wrong with having TWO parties?

Were they invited to the baby shower? Did the person who arranged your baby shower invite them? You realize that maybe, just MAYBE, your baby shower was held on a day they couldn't attend?

Why should they ask YOUR opinion? Are you that important that everyone needs to bow to you? Most of the time, in many marriages, it takes TIME to earn the respect of other side of the family. Just because you had a baby doesn't mean you are special. It means you had a baby. And by the sound of it??? one you can't afford. You aren't living on your own. You're living with your mom now. Before that your MILs. Are you old enough to have credit cards? Do you work?

So your question is whether or not to have a SECOND party, right? I say why not. .

Just in case you flounce and remove your question - I copy and pasted it below.

Good luck!
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My husband, me and my family have planned to make my son's first bday and my mom's house since it's the norm since we live there. We agreed. However , his mother said " why don't we celebrate here at my house and I buy a cake" he said why". And she said since one of your sisters is working.
I'm upset because I knew she was going to cone up worth sick a thing. His family didn't even attend to the baby shower I had ir got my baby anything. I was there when she asked but she always only asks my husband things Nobody in his family ask me my opinion even when they need something from me like my credit cards . Anyways this is going on and 7 months prior we were living at her house and she from the living room to the upstairs while me and my baby were still sleeping to get out of her house. She bearly apologized 6 months after and said it was because she was mad at her son.

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

I don't see any harm in your MIL hosting an additional first birthday celebration. As long as she understands her party will be an "addition", and not "replace" the one you have already planned. Your son is just a baby. He's not going to really understand, or be overwhelmed or confused by having 2 little parties. It sounds like you really don't like your MIL, and maybe you have valid reason for that. But whatever happened in the past, you can look at it as a nice gesture, and an opportunity for more family members to begin a bond and loving relationship with your son.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

ETA: I like Jill's advice the best. That would be my inclination too. Keep it simple.

My personal thought is to do whatever keeps your life the most simple. We did minimal parties when our kids were little. This would be overkill for us. My thought is, let your husband handle it. Decide as a couple. Thing is, if it's easiest to just show up and have cake, then do it. If this is going to set a precedent and it's going to cause a sh!tshow from here on in every single time you plan something ... then talk to your husband.
Keep us posted. It helps other moms in your same situation!

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Sounds like quite a lot of drama there. Also sounds like both your mothers are a bit too involved in your lives - just from what I'm reading here. Perhaps that is because you've had to live with them. There has to be clear boundaries, especially once you are married with your own family.

If your MIL was yelling at your husband to get out of the house - that's between her and her son. Let that go. If she wants to throw a party - that's separate from you and your party. I would look at it that way. Just do what you want to for your son - and consider that his main birthday party. Invite their side to the one you are throwing - and then whatever they do, they do as well, as a second party. That's fine. This happens a lot in larger families. Go that one too.

You will find this makes it easier as you go forward.

Not sure why they are using your credit cards. That's weird. I would not allow that.

As for them not giving you gifts etc. Sounds like drama - as if they were trying to make a point. Maybe that's why they are having the second party - to make a point. Who knows.

Going forward though - leave your husband's family to him, to deal with. That was the best advice I ever got. You have enough on your hands. Focus on yourself and your baby - and your marriage. Your husband can deal with his mother and his family.

You two - you and hubby - discuss things as a couple, and he then shares your decisions with his family.

Have fun with your son's first birthday. Don't let this stress get the best of you - it will be fun and enjoy it!

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

We joke that my kids are so lucky that they get a birthday month, because by the time we get to all the family's houses, all of whom want to celebrate, they each end up with about 3 parties. I think it's great that they all love my kids enough to want to celebrate. And let's face it, 1 big party might sound fun to the hosts, but a few smaller parties allows everyone to interact with the baby in a way that one big party does not.

Tell your MIL thank you, and let her have a second party.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

You seem to have a lot of anger.
If you can accept a gesture of good will with good grace - then fine - go for it.
If you are holding a grudge, can't let it go and walk in with a chip on your shoulder - then gracefully decline.
Life is too short for grudges and drama.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

You need to let go of the past, this is your husbands mother and he loves her just as much as you love your own mother, don't make things difficult for him. Have your party, invite them and they can come or not. If she wants to get him a cake later and you don't have to do any of the work or planning then let her do her thing, it won't hurt you just to show up.

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J.K.

answers from Wausau on

You are in charge of your child's birthday party. You choose the date and location, then you invite people.If people can come, they do. If they can't, they don't. There is no need for people to host multiple parties because someone can't make it, or because they don't want to go to where you've chosen. (If they lived across the country and wanted a party when you visited, then it would be reasonable.)

No need to make a big deal about it, your husband simply needs to say that you're only having one birthday party and he hopes she (his mom) can make it.

It sounds like you have other baggage regarding his family, and that's fine. You have valid gripes. However, sometimes you need to emotionally compartmentalize to have a clear view of a singular situation. The birthday party issue can be handled without any of that backstory coming into play.

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S.M.

answers from Cincinnati on

If they want to have a party I would let them if they are going to buy everything. I would still have the party you were planning and just let them know that. If they are borrowing your credit cards that's a problem and needs to stop asap.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

I'm not sure I'm getting all of this, but it sounds like your MIL was having a fight with her son, so she said something hurtful about you all having to get out of her house? And then she didn't apologize for 6 months? Let it go - it's between her and her son. She probably asked your husband about the party and not you for the same reason - she knew you were still mad. But in general, I think that's actually a good policy - you deal with your parents, and your husband deals with his.

It does sound like this is part of you feeling dismissed by his family, and frankly, it's up to your husband to defend you. Choose your battles, though. Don't fight every little thing or your life will be miserable and your baby will grow up with all this drama and tension.

Not sure why people are asking for your credit cards but I think that needs to stop unless there is a particular reason why you feel it needs to continue. I'd tell them that you got rid of your cards to control spending or something similar, and just stop giving in to that. Again, it's up to your husband to rein in his parents and siblings re your credit cards.

On the party - what is the big deal about having 2 parties? I think that's a great way to handle not having everyone under one roof for a big party all the time, and no child ever suffered by having 2 parties. If your sister-in-law is working on your child's birthday, you should be happy she wants to be part of the celebration in another way. So have one party at MIL and have the second one on his actual birthday at your mom's house. Your child will have no idea what's going on, and you can take pictures at both events. I don't understand what "cone up with sick a thing" means - do you mean you thought she would "come up with such a thing"? If you think she's trying to upstage your parents or the real birthday party, let it go. You and your husband know when your son's birthday really is, and as your son grows up, you can easily say, "You're having an early party at Grandma's and then your actual birthday party at Nana's." As he gets even older, you'll be having parties for his friends on the nearest weekend and not on the actual day anyway, although you'll have a cake and presents on the actual birthday even if it's mid-week. So double parties will probably be part of your life, as they are for most of us. Get used to it. Don't try to control every little thing even though you seem to feel that you're being controlled by others. Pick what's most important, and let the littler things go. Compromise will make you much happier.

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N.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

So, you used to live with your mother in law but she got mad at her son and kicked you guys out. Now you're living with your parents.

If you're having a birthday party for your child you get to invite whomever you want. If your mom doesn't want other people coming to this party then let her know you're having his birthday party somewhere else. She doesn't have to have anyone she doesn't want to.

But you do get to have a party where your friends can come and celebrate it with you. And yes, your mother in law gets to come to her grandchild's birthday party.

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N.G.

answers from Boston on

Accept the party. What is the big deal? This is her showing her love!

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L.U.

answers from Seattle on

There is nothing wrong with having two parties!
Go! Celebrate the baby.

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

If she wants to throw him a second party, I think you should let her. Invite her to the party at your house, but graciously accept her offer to host a party at hers too.

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E.B.

answers from Honolulu on

No baby remembers his or her first birthday, or even realizes what's going on. If there's a cake, and if the baby is allowed to taste it or smash his little fingers in the frosting, then there's a momentary surprise or pleasant taste. But that's it.

The baby's first birthday is certainly something to celebrate, but it's more about the family than the baby. The baby won't know who came or where it was held or what food was or was not served.

The people who matter are the parents, the grandparents, the supportive friends, the helpful and loving relatives.

If you're living with your parents, after living with your in-laws, due to financial necessity, and if you have credit cards with funds available, and if your husband's relatives ask you to buy things using your credit cards, then your least important problem is how many parties your baby has.

Now, perhaps you're older than 17, and perhaps you live with your parents because they are medically incapacitated, and perhaps you serve as their caregiver. And maybe you have a great income and excellent credit and maybe someone asked you to use a credit card in an emergency. I guess that's a possibility.

But from your post, it sounds like the situation is not friendly, and that you're not communicating effectively, and that you're not financially independent.

Your FAMILY is you, your husband and your child. Sit down with your husband and get on the same page with him. Resolve your differences. Be kind to your in-laws. Get control of your finances. Get a small apartment (unless you're the caregiver to a sick parent). Establish your family. Be grateful instead of vengeful.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

What is the big deal? I don't celebrate my child's birthday on her exact birthday 90% of the time, same with other family birthdays, because we try to accommodate everyone's schedule (mine, my sister's, my daughter's, my mom's, my sister's boyfriend), so we can ALL attend, and most of the time, birthdays fall on a weekday when someone undoubtedly is working or busy with something else. It's called compromising. On my child's birthday, my child and I may just do a dinner, or I let her know we will celebrate her birthday on that weekend with the rest of the family, and she is fine with that.

Why is it so hard to accommodate your sister-in-law? Do you just not WANT to? If so, that is fine, but then let dad's side of the family have their own celebration with your son. They ARE his grandparents, uncles and aunts too, after all. Considering your relationship with your in-laws is poor, maybe holding the party on a day when the sister-in-law can attend would be the nice thing to do and they'd appreciate that. If not, have two celebrations. My daughter has her own party with her father and his side of the family since we're not together and she's more than happy to have two kids and two days of presents.

As to your in-laws ignoring you, this is something your husband should address. He needs to tell them that you two are a couple and they can speak to you as they speak to him. They don't need him to be the messenger, they can talk to you both at the same time, or if it's something they want to ask of you, they can ask you personally without going through him. Since they are his parents, HE needs to stand up to them and speak on your behalf about this.

Regarding your credit cards, NO ONE should have access to them unless they are on the account or co-signers. Why would you give your credit card to anyone? You tell them no. This is your account, and you don't authorize these expenses. Anyone who needs credit cards can either apply and obtain them themselves, or should not be living beyond their means in the first place and paying for things with a debit card or cash. Maybe it's time for both you and your husband to do the grownup thing and move out and live on your own. Sounds to me like these living arrangements are just creating more problems for your marriage than they're worth.

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