Hi moms,
My DD is almost 2.5 years old and has been showing her hitting gesture when she was not happy (example, the time is up to get going even if I have given her enough time and count down the time for her). She used to listen well and not lately. I explained to her to keep her hands to herself and we don't hit. I demonstrated to her it hurts when we hit. I hit her hand back and said that it hurts. Sometimes she screams or says NOOO out loud as well due to anger / not happy. Dad would pat her cheek when she screams or sometimes after one warning.
I'm frustrated that I can't get husband to be in the same page on disciplining her. Sometimes I snap dealing with two of them when disciplining her. I gave warning to DD if she hits again or the gesture, she would be on the quiet chair. She did it again and she got to sit on the chair. She screamed, cried, and hitting and sometimes kicking... If dad is around, he would ask her to not scream. Hello?! She will not listen. Of course, she is upset and he would pat her cheek. She got angrier. I could understand that cause who likes to being pat on the face?!
Sorry for the long message. My question is, how do you set just one simple rule about hitting? maybe I should not demonstrate the hitting her back when explain? I don't know. I'm confuse and upset that I couldn't get her to listen and husband to be in the same page in this matter (hitting and screaming, saying No out loud). When is the time to use the quiet chair, when to ignore her behavior?
I need sanity check. LOL. Sometimes I asked myself is it because I am giving in too quickly and that's why she is not listening to me now...
Thank you for reading this and your suggestions and thoughts...
No more warnings. She hits/raises a hand - IMMEDIATE punishment.
As for the same page - that's a you and him discussion. :)
She is hitting and screaming because she is frustrated and these are the only tools she knows to get what she wants. She will get more frustrated and angry if you punish her/yell at her/hit her back. What she needs is practice using the tools you want her to use. So when she yells - instead try - I see you are mad because you want (whatever it is) - then show her how to get it (demonstrate asking politely). So DS would yell 'I want milk', I would repeat in a calm tone ' mommy, may I please have some milk now?", then the polite response, 'of course you may have some milk', and then get the milk.
If she is hitting, you say 'we don't hit, we use words, then show her which ones to use.'. You can also give her acceptable physical outlets for her frustration. They might be jumping, stomping, walking away, hitting a pillow or stuffed animal. I don't see how hitting her when she hits you teaches not hitting.
I don't see how making her sit in a chair teaches her anything but more frustration. I don't ignore my son. How would it make you feel if you were really mad/frustrated and your husband announced he couldn't hear you when you were mad and proceeded to ignore you? I don't think I would take this as a learning moment. I think I would respond much better to a hug and a 'honey, you are really mad, what can I/we do?' I also refuse to teach my son blind obedience. Unquestioning obedience to authority is not an adult value, why would I expect it from my son?
Getting on the same page with your husband? Well, I think you need to sit down together and discuss how you both plan to approach discipline (which means teaching, not punishment). I see no reason you should assume your way is correct and his in wrong.
I agree with DanaK (2 down) This is EXACTLY what I did for my sweet terror, as I call him. It took a bit to catch on. Normally he would run off and pitch a fit after I corrected with the proper behavior. But I didn't give in and he WOULD come back wanting the same again and I just repeated how he should behave, what to say, and manners to use.
I am not in the slightest against spanking. It just doesn't work with MY son. It makes him MORE aggressive... like really. Some kids are just like that. Major offenses (running from me in parking lot - I don't care HOW aggressive it makes him, I will tan that bottom) But everyday tantrums and hitting, O yea, mine is a def a hitter :) And a screamer :) Oh I love my man man to death, but really, even at his age he can be quite a prick a times, on purpose, lol.
Mine is a very strong willed child. There's nothing wrong with him, he's very smart... and it probably took me 2 years to read the book everyone kept telling me to try... but I did. OMG I laughed so hard reading that book. And it changed the way I thought about things. Read 'Raising your spirited child' Awesome. Some of the negative characterics you see now actually turn out to be wonderful and excellent skills as an adult.
If she is yelling and throwing a tantrum because she wants to play in the street, are you going to show her how to nicely ask to play in the street and then say "yes" because she asked nicely? What about the times when you CAN'T say yes? if you lead her to believe that all she has to do to get a "yes" is ask nicely, what will she think when she asks nicely and the answer is still "no."
All that yelling, gesturing, etc., are tantrums. Just because she isn't throwing herself on the ground doesn't make it any less a tantrum.
I agree with dad, but I would be swatting her butt, not patting her face. I don't believe in hitting in the face and what you describe as a "pat" is really a gentle slap.
At 2.5, post a list of house rules. Keep it really simple like:
1. Obey mom & dad
2. No hitting
Review the list with her every morning and every day before dinnertime.
Also review what the consequences will be for braking a rule.
O. warning. Consequence given.
If you decide that quiet chair is her consequence, place her there. Do NOT respond to her screaming, yelling, whining or begging FROM the quiet chair. IGNORE her for 2.5 minutes. Have her apologize. Hugs & kisses after apology.
Every. Single. Time.
You have GOT to get dad on board and consistent with "the plan" or it will not work. It's all about consistency.
What he said. Absolutely.
Our daughter is 2 and a half. If she hits we are very stern with her and tell her NO, we do NOT hit, that is NOT nice. And then we promptly put her in a time out. Every time. We just keep putting her back and don't engage with her while she is in time out. Then we pull her on to our lap and tell her why she was in time out and ask her to say sorry for hitting. Then we hug her and tell her we love her. It works. She does not hit anymore. And if she is throwing a fit bc she does not want to do something I am asking her to do, then I ask her if she needs a time out. She usually then does what I am asking. I realize this only works if your child has a certain personality. When our son was 2 he would never give in...he'd have huge temper tantrums till he totally exhausted himself during his time out.
heh. you hit her and say 'we don't hit!'
and wonder why she's confused?
khairete
S.
