SAHM Losing My Sense of Self

It sounds like you nare deprest yiu need to see a doctor now! Please do it before it gets worse also if you can get some one to do baby sit good luck raised 4 and now have7 grandchildren A. no hills

I am a Certified Life Transition Coach and help to moms in need. Let me know if I can help. www.coachingsolutionstoday.com .

Okay - we love our kids and they are wonderful. However they were not the foundation of your marriage / your relationship. They also will not be there in a few short years as they move on to their lives.

I say this as a previous working mom ( 60-80hrsweekly) and now a SAHM who homeschools her kids. It's critical that you get time for you and your husband - without kids. A quick date to get coffee and hold hands. A walk through the mall without kids - so different than with! =-) It's also critical that you get time for you - whether with girlfriends to hang out and talk - again without kids- adult time - or time for you in the bubblebath or taking a walk in the park.

Trust me it's a struggle for me at times….I have struggled with depression for the last 10yrs, I worked an intense, high adrenaline/stressful job, kids with life threatening issues, etc. Feeling like I am only the role I fill for each person vs ME as a person.
I can feel guilty because I am the type of person who needs alone time to recoup which can make others feel pushed away. When I communicate though, my husband is understanding and gives me time ( he takes the kids) and space to heal, recover, etc.

Also remember that you don't need to keep up with Uber Mom and do 50million things for your kids. They will grow up just fine with more limited activities - if it allows mom to be happy and supported as a person too.

Analogy - when the oxygen masks drop in the airplane - you have to put yours on first - then take care of the kids next to you!!

I think your husband is probably thinking you are unhappy due to all kid /no adult time which is why he suggested getting a job. Remember he is trying to help- it may not always come across that way since they think extremely differently than we do =-)

Take some time while the kids are napping. Write down the things you enjoyed doing before kids - 1) by yourself or with girlfriends and 2) with your husband.

Then talk to your husband to figure out over the next month time for at least 1 of each of those things- time with him and time to yourself or with a friend.

Then work those things into your schedule - even if the kids then go to the park 1x/week instead of 3x/week. You will be happier and it will refresh your heart for doing those things instead of going through the motions.

Hugs to you!!!

I have to work full time, but I did get to stay home with my son when he was very small. All I can say is be grateful if you don't have to work- getting a job is not necessarily going to help you in any way! It is just one more stress and pressure in your life!

It sounds to me like you are having an internal struggle- and that is not going to be solved by having a job or anything outside of YOU. Look at why you feel this way- do you need therapy or just more time to yourself? Have your husband or other people you know noticed your depression? It sounds like you should see your doctor and get a thorough check-up. Make sure it isn't something physical- maybe you just have low iron or need more Vitamin B! You can't know if you don't go to the doctor and get checked!

If you feel like everything is 'for the kids'- maybe you're doing too much. Kids need time to learn to do nothing- to be a little bored, read books, hang out in the yard, etc. You are a mom, not a cruise director! Look deep into your life: what things did you do before you had kids that you miss? Set aside an hour a day for painting, reading a book, doing yoga- whatever- then MAKE yourself do it. Even if you don't feel like it, or feel lethargic. If you start out making yourself do things, you will come to enjoy them again.

If you feel like this situation is affecting your marriage, then ask yourself- does your marriage have other issues besides your apathy? If it does, you and your husband BOTH need to put in some extra work on it- date nights, couples counseling, whatever works for you, but you need to address it. If your husband has noticed this too, he may be very worried, but doesn't want to upset you by saying anything.

It's hard to be a mom, whether you work or stay home, have one kid or more... but it sounds like you've just gotten into a rut- both emotionally and physically with what you do and how you're living. Time to shake it up and change!

Please- value your time at home because in the end,it is YOUR time. You get to make your own schedule and decide what to do each day. Working full time, I don't have that luxury and can't spend nearly the time with my son that I wish I could. That is what I miss most about staying home. Value your time- and value yourself! Good Luck!

All the previous comments are great, seriously. I just want to add that sometimes, being selfish(reasonably) makes better mothers of us all. When there is a real or perceived imbalance of effort in any relationship one of the two occur: We either do less, or demand more. I struggle, like countless others, with finding time for me(without guilt) and taking care of what I'm certain is everything! As a mom of a 3yr and 4 mo old, stress, frustration, anger, depression, lack of motivation and sex drive are among the "emotions du jour"!

Your life sounds like mine until February of this year. You may have PPD -since you have an 8 month old, I think it's very worthwhile for you to talk to your doctor or go to a therapist. You and your husband may also want to try couples therapy. What I did was go back to work full-time! Yes, we needed the money, but we were getting by, however I decided that I would at least give it a try. I had HUGE issues with my husband over not feeling appreciated, and him seeming to think I was on some sort of fun-filled vacation while he went to his desk job every day. I cannot tell you the huge kick in the pants it's given me! I love my job and the time I spend with my children is definitely quality over quantity. My husband and I are still not without our issues, but I feel so much better about myself and I'm so much happier -it makes those issues a lot easier to deal with!

Going back to work isn't for everyone. I wish I could have a part time job that paid enough to justify the childcare needed, but those are rare. I was full of anxiety initially about short-changing my kids, but instead of a harried, frustrated, snappy and "down" mother -they now have a much happier (albeit REALLY busy) mother who is truly overjoyed when I see them; when they get up in the morning, etc. I actually ENJOY bathtime now!

Give it some thought. You're not less of a mother if you work. The best mothers are those who decide that they need a life too and what's best for their family is often what's best for them! We're all different people. Some thrive as stay-at-home moms and some don't. No one used to have a choice, so our traditional picture of a "good" mom is the SAHM, but many MANY of those women 50 years ago and before were NOT happy campers!

Sounds to me like you know (from your post title) exactly what you need. :)
And if you need to hear that it's OK to feel like that and take time for YOU, IT IS!!!!!

As you're seeing, everyone suffers when you don't take time to focus on yourself. It doesn't always have to be about the kids. And it shouldn't be.

Take a girl's weekend. Or go shopping for a long afternoon. Spend time with friends - that DON'T have kids, if you have any...find yourself in there. It's very easy to get lost and wrapped up in the day to day. And it's very easy to get bitter about that.

Take a day, find a sitter, get your makeup on and nice clothes on and go do something that you enjoy. Alone. You are MORE than entitled to do that.

And your husband may know you better than you think. Maybe going back to work, if even part time, will help you back.
God knows, I work full time and will soon have 2 kids. I CAN'T stay home. I just can't do it. I'd be miserable and so would everyone else. I just need more than that in my life. I'm not fulfilled otherwise.

I guess I'm saying, don't feel bad for feeling the way that you do, but DO something about it. Focus on YOU, and only YOU. You might feel selfish in doing it, but bear in mind that everyone else in your family will be better off for it.

Sounds to my like you are in a mommy funk. When you have two kids that close together and young (I did that too!) things naturally focus around them. When the kids are that young they take everything we have. Yes, the house takes a bit of a backseat but that will change. Your kids are at an age where they are really needy physically and emotionally. I promise things will smooth out in time. Just remember to prioritize. You have to be there at the top with those kids and your husband does too. Really tough sometimes but make sure you do something for you! I still remember the first time I went shopping and bought something just for myself and nothing for them. Take a deep breath, look at your kids and know they will be grown before you know it. It's okay to focus on them for now. Just remember to make time for yourself and your husband, even if you have to force yourself, it is really important. Now about your husband not knowing what you do all day? I wrote a letter to mine listing everything as I did it and it was pretty funny! You honestly don't know yourself how much work you are doing until you write it down! I mean honestly, how many times do you walk in and out that front door before you actually get in the car because you forgot something or the little one dirtied their pants or the older one has to have that certain toy for the car trip. Be patient with yourself and enjoy these years because those babies will be borrowing the car keys before you know it!

I think you should give yourself more credit for what you are doing. It is a really tough job taking care of two babies. Mine are 3 and 15 months, so I'm about six months ahead of you. It is still really tough and I struggle with the same issues. Luckily my husband does understand how hard of a job it is and doesn't hold the bar too high. He understands because he has had the opportunity to care for the boys on his own for a short period of time and always can't wait to go back to work to 'relax'! In addition to the other suggestions maybe it would be helpful to give your husband the chance to do your job, while you get to do something for yourself. Babysteps, an hour or so at first up to a full day at some point. I know having the kids so close in age is a high price to pay now but will be well worth it down the road!

it does sound like a form of depression, postpartum or otherwise. feeling unappreciated is part of it, but you really need to be able to generate your sense of worth and accomplishment from within, not relying on external validation from your dh (nice though that is.) i'm glad you're still there for the kids, but it's worrisome that your sense of joy in the rest of your life isn't there. going back to work might actually not be a bad idea, but if that's unappealing to you, you must at least attempt to do some things for yourself that don't involve the kids. see if that puts the spark back into your life to some degree. you may need some type of counseling, but first i'd try to see if some time to yourself, spent pampering yourself a little, doesn't do the trick.
khairete
S.

If going back to work doesn't seem right for you, try to find an organization to volunteer with. Your church, local library or school, maybe join an alumni group for college/HS, a mom's group, a political organization or a charitable organization. Just something that will give you some personal satisfaction. My husband encouraged me to get involved when I felt like I was just 'mom' and had lost my sense of self. I felt like I didn't have the time, but I made time for it. Even though I'm busier, I'm happier. I get some personal sense of achievement from being involved. Sometimes grandparents or hubby will watch the kids while I volunteer, sometimes the kids go along with me. Either way, it's something that I do just for me and it has really improved my sense of self. And I've made some friends in the process. Real friends that aren't just parents of my kids' friends. (Not that some of them aren't good friends, too!) Good luck!

my suggestion would be finding a hobby. pick one thing you're really passionate about. and have certain days of the week where you do certain chores (like laundry, dishes, vacuum, dust, etc) so that once you do them you can relax and enjoy yourself. about once a month plan a girls night out. and most important - be your husband's girlfriend! don't try to prove yourself to him - it's not a competition. be sweet to him and give affection and leave notes like when you were dating. :)

I think you should take your husband aside and tell him everything you just wrote on here in detail. Just make sure that he understands that you aren't totally blaming him for your unhappiness, but that what you need is a little more appreciation. It sounds like you do need to take some time for yourself, but also make time once a week to have a date with your husband. Your disconnection to self is likely related to the disconnect between you and your husband. Guys are oblivious to what we need unless we tell them in specifics. It stinks, but it's the way things are. You could go back to work, but if you really don't want to, I suggest making sure you have things going on all the time that are just for you. Get your nails done, buy a smoothie, take an exercise class, just do something where you are forced to get out and socialize. You mentioned play dates. I hope your play dates are for you too in that you are friends with the other moms. It's important to get out and talk with other women, even if your kids are still there.

I just decided to go back to school. Granted, I'm doing it online, so it isn't like I'm 'getting out' but I needed to do something for myself, so that is what I chose. I also am spending time outside with my neighbors and their kids. We are also trying to plan dates more often, and all of these things are helping. Just so you know, I have a 20 month old and a 4 month old, so I feel your frustration and pain. You are NOT alone!!

I hope you find some things that will work for you and that you get some good advice on here. It seems like a pretty sound place to come for that sort of thing.

Dear S.,
You have been able to address what you see is a problem. That is great! That is how you can now overcome it. I think you are experiencing something very normal for new mothers. I have had times like you described throughout my marriage. It can get depressing for sure. But, there is nothing saying that you have to stay where you are. Now that you have identified what is going on, change it. Stop looking at yesterday. Look at today and tomorrow and determine how you want it to look. I find that making lists of things I want to accomplish is so helpful. If I don't do that, then today looks just like yesterday. But, when I purpose to do something, I can get it done. You are at a highly intensive part of parenting. Probably the most difficult time you will ever experience in parenting as far as maintenance. You have two small children who cannot really contribute too much in helping you. I remember those days. Believe it or not, they are fleeting. My oldest now is 18, and is considerably more help. :) You are doing a good job staying home. You just aren't looking at the things that are of most importance, like loving and taking care of your babies. Don't look at the housework as the thing of great importance. Yes, it is nice when it gets done, but don't judge your performance by the level of dust in your house. Look at your children. Are they happy and loved? Are they growing, learning, developing? Sounds like they are from what you have written. Now, the other thing you should try to spend time on is your relationship with your husband. Minister to his needs. Be thankful for him. Many men won't let their wives stay home because they don't feel like they are doing anything important at home. Those men are so wrong and warped in their thought process. They were trained wrongly by society. Thank your husband for providing for you and the kids so that you can stay home. Let him know how much you appreciate it. Share with him your struggles so that he can encourage you. Communicate with him. Trust him enough to do that. Respect him. Those two things will make such a great impact on your home. Hang in there. It really does get easier.

Hello, You just need to have a break. You might think about taking a weekend off by yourself or with your husband. Can your parents or your husband's parents keep the kids? Even if you don't go anywhere. It might be just the answer. Staying at home with your children is the hardest job in the world, as well as the most rewarding. My husband and I have four grown kids and now six grandkids. It was very hard, but we got through it.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Since you have a young baby I would make an appointment with your OB and see if he thinks you have post pardum. If you do it is easily treatable and can make you feel so much better and it will help you have more energy and not be so frustrated. I felt this way after having my 2nd child ( I wasn't crying all the time and I didn't feel like harming my children, but I was irritated, angry and frustrated A LOT). My doc put me on a low dose of Zoloft and after 4 weeks I felt so much better. I also had my throid checked and I was low, which can make you tired and cranky as well. Good Luck. I have a 3 year old and 15 month old and I stay at home during the summer because I am a teacher. I am glad I get that time with them, but it is the hardest job in the world.

Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. It will change the way you view and treat your husband. If you change the way you are behaving to him, and if you start acting like his girlfriend again, you will both be so much happier in the roles you have chosen.
Being a SAHM is hard, but you made the best choice for your children. Your children are still small, and that can be very demanding and time consuming. However, the rewards are intangible and infinite.
Hang in there!

I feel exactly like this a lot too! I think for me anyway, some of it has tto do with the fact that I want to take the kids places...pool, playdates, outtings, etc. and not only is that tiring but it's time consuming as well and then I have to come home and deal with the house?! Ugh. Sometimes it almost feels like I have to choose between playing with the kids and organizing the house and cooking.

The only advice I can really offer is to make sure you have a group of girlfriends with which to hang out. I have a couple good mommy friends to do play dates, etc. with and another group that has dinner once a month. My dinner club is great! It is so nice to relax and I feel much more inclined to be a better wife after time to myself.

My kids are exactly your kids age too so I get it. It's super hard and somedays I question my sanity! ;) Hang in there and just take time for yourself. Take some days to do kid things and other days to do house things and it will all work out, we all go through ruts.

First things first. Staying home is a hard job, but you are the one that can do it! You do need to find something that is just for you, so that you can feel like you are not losing yourself. It is really important to be there for your kids and if you are able to stay home then definitely do it! Also spend good quality time with your kids. That will really help. While the baby is sleeping spend time reading with your other child, or play something with them that they like to do. Also if your husband is not bothering you about the house, then give yourself a break. Take your time to get those things done. When he gets home, engage him, don't bark at him. Be the first to be there, give him a kiss, a hug, ask about his day. Having dinner as a family is wonderful. These times will pass so quickly, that you need to fine joy in the little things each day.
You may be experiencing some postpartum, I did after my first and I took it out on my husband for no apparent reason. I was looking for things to nit pick about, he said find a hobby! I scrapbook, knit, read, make cards and garden. I found ways to fill the time so that I was ready to be a wife and mother when he got home. Also DATE NIGHT is really, really important! You need to set a date each week or every other week and spend time with just him! You need to feel like his girlfriend again, and not mother and wife. Hope this helps. We all feel this way, and it will happen during the years of raising the kids. I look back now and found that I had wasted some opportunities and I am now finding that they are almost grown. I did learn, and I have done better! You will find you, just be patient!

Mom,
When you become a mom which I believe is the most important job you will ever have in your life and its one of the most unselfish jobs in the world where you usually to set most of your needs aside. You have been given the 2 most precious gifts you will ever have and your job now is to raise them, love them & teach them the best way you can love so they will become contibuting responsible adults, they are our future. My husband and I have a young teenage daughter who is the best and a good husband. I love them both and know they love me but know there is not a lot of thanks and appreciation in the job of Mom, (other than hugs, kisses and little smiles) and wife. I have talked to lots of my friends over the yrs when I felt this early same way you do now as a young mom and now as an "experienced" mom. It sounds like you are a lot like me and so many other moms, devoting so much of my self and life to my child and maintaining things is the house. I would not worry about making mediocre dinners, its just important to sit down and have a family dinner. When you children get just a little older it will get easier since they will be a little less mom-reliant. Do try to set aside at least a 1/2 hr a day to do something for yourself though and use it to work out, read a book or magazine. call a friend, take a bubble bath etc. Do you have either of your parents in town that can stop by a few times a wk to watch the kids for you and hr or 2 every few days? If not, you might consider hiring a neighrbor girl to come in for this time a few hrs in the afternoon to give you some time of your own. You can evenhave Mom time when the kids are napping or in the evening when Dad is home. Make the time in the evening after your kids are asleep to spend more time with your husband. It will get better mom, hang in there. This time goes by so incredibly fast, enjoy each day with your children. It gets so hard when they hit the tween yrs and start to pull away. I would hold off on finding work outside of the home until both of your children are school age then do PT so you can be hone in the afternoons for them. If you do feel this could be a little PP depression talk to your Dr about this asap and hopefully he/she can help but no this feeling is quite normal. It gets better mom, I promise. Hugs to U

I think everyone here is great points. I just want to add- listen to your heart. You know yourself best. If you can't go talk to a professional even once (which I've done plenty of times when I'm struggling to figure something out), be sure to talk to your fellow Mom friends. We've all been here in one form or another. I know it feels strange but you absolutely have to take care of yourself first- because only then can you properly take care of everyone else. I've heard the saying: "A happy Mom is a happy home!"

I'm not a SAHM, but I've been in the exact same place. (I've also traditionally been the primary caregiver, since I work fewer hours than my husband).

I do think that some of what you're experiencing could be depression, and at the same time, I think it's normal. That doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help, but of course you're having a hard time - 2.5 years ago your whole world changed, and that's a really really hard adjustment.

Start taking some time for yourself. Not in a punitive "I want to punish my husband with the kids" kind of way, but in a "I need some space to breathe" kind of way. When my husband used to complain about his commute, I always reminded him that it was an hour to be totally by himself, listening to whatever music he wanted, catching up with his friends on the phone, etc. You deserve some "commute time!" I found I did better when I turned off the TV at night and read a book (or the newspaper) instead. Or take a dance class, or go for a run, or do something that invigorates some part of you (mind or body).

I also hear you about the rut. Sometimes I find myself saying "I can't believe we have to eat dinner AGAIN!" I think that just comes and goes. If it's nice out, try having a picnic dinner for a few nights just to change up the routine.

As for getting dressed, I don't know if you can swing this financially, but I always feel 1000% better when I have something new to wear that fits really well. There is nothing more depressing than trying to squeeze into clothes that, even if they button, just don't fit right anymore. Take a day and go shopping, and, rather than looking in the mirror and thinking "I can't believe I still have to lose this babyweight" think "I am going to find some clothes that make me look hot!" Because they're out there. And go and get your hair done too : )

Be honest with your husband. Know that you're taking things that aren't really his fault out on him. Hopefully he'll rise to the occasion. I hate having to remind my husband that sometimes it's nice to be surprised with flowers or a card, or even the offer of take-out pizza so that I don't have to make dinner, but it's nice when he does it. And have sex. Right now that might sound totally unappealing, but will yourself to get into it. Trust me, it'll make you feel a lot less like a mom and more like a woman. My husband and I totally neglected our sex life for about 2 years, and I was starting to feel like we were roommates. Not good.

If you make a concerted effort to get out of this rut and you're just not feeling any better, or you start to feel worse, do see your doc. This could be neurochemical. Good luck. Feel better soon.

Hi S.,

I have a few ideas for you.

First, HUGS! It's a tough spot you're in and I feel for you. These feelings are exactly why I'm a very unapologetic working mom. SAHM-ness just wasn't for me, even though I tried during my very extended maternity leaves (6 months and 9 months, respectively).

Idea #1: Check out this website: www.flylady.net. Without a doubt, this is the best website I've found for maintaining sanity while being in charge of a family and home. It's worked wonders in my family and we're all a lot happier as a result.

Idea #2: A small part time job may not be a bad idea. I teach full time (high school) and have two sons (ages 12 and 16) and, even though my kids are older and don't need me as much as they did when they were younger, I still need "away" time. I have an "after school" job at my local bookstore. I only work 8 hours a week and the pay barely covers gas and quick dinners out on work nights, but that isn't the point. The point is I get to play with books, recommend them, talk to grown ups and just be away from my daily grind. Yeah, two jobs is nuts (I originally got the second job to help pay for extraordinary medical bills after my eldest tried to ski through a tree) but I discovered how therapeutic it was. The benefits outweigh the costs. Even my sons love it because 1) they get cheap books, 2) I'm happier and 3) they get what we call "proving responsibility" time, which, in turn leads to more freedom for them.

Idea #3: It sounds like it's time to invest a little bit of time in your marriage. There was a marriage before the kids and there will (hopefully) be a marriage after the kids! Is there a neighbor or family member who could watch the kids once a week for a date night? You don't have to spend money, but at least you two can go for a walk and just be together? When my sons were babies, my husband and I played in a community college concert band together. He played tuba and I played alto sax, so we didn't sit together, but it was great fun to have dinner out before class and flirt like high schoolers across the room. Now that our sons can babysit themselves, we go for walks or out to dinner when finances allow. Grocery shopping is our weekly date...how sad is that? But, the bottom line is, we stay connected.

I hope these ideas help. Good luck.