Difficult Time in life..Help!

Updated on November 14, 2012
J.V. asks from San Jose, CA
8 answers


What do I do to get over this situation in my married life?? somedays I just feel like walking out of this whole situation.We have just been married for 3 years now.

I'm never the kind of person to write anything about myself but always love reading what others share about their life.I try and figure out my life by what others have experienced.

But now I really don;t know which way to look with all thats happening with me.I am 27 years old and have recently moved here with my husband.He came to study and both of us left our good jobs(jobs that pay the rent and a li'l extra) back home.Its been almost 6 months after his graduation and he has not been able to get a job here.Because of my visa status I am not allowed to work for now and decided in the beginning of this year that I should enjoy this Stay-At-Home phase of my life.I have only worked or studied from the time I graduated 6 years ago and this was a good break for me to be a housewife.

Now after living in a basement apartment these 6 months with him,I don't know if it is the sadness of not having a job or just trying to support each other that we cannot talk to each other for 10 min without breaking into argument. To add to that I became pregnant for the first time and 4 months later,I lost my baby.That was literally the silver lining in my life that never stayed for long.I am right now to take rest and get back to health but my husband's attitude towards getting a job or doing something worthwhile with his time has got me soo stressed out that I can't get myself to focus on my things.

I try to distract myself by enjoying the small happinesses that come our way--friends,outings,rare moments of love and family support.But at the end of the day its again back to that disappointing feeling that we are stuck in a rut situation.I would love to get back to work,whatever work comes my way.I try and help him as much as possible with his job hunt but he throws that all away by some rude comments and blaming God for all this.He feels his career has been destroyed by coming here and has no hope whatsoever to move ahead.He feels I am responsible for his move.I have even taken up the blame for that.I feel like a nag at times telling him to do things but sometimes thats the only way he does move from the couch ,away from his laptop.I understand his difficulty in getting the job and agreed to move back home in a while.But it still doesn't change his attitude of anger towards me.I just wish he had a job even a small one so that he stays busy.I think I have always thought more about him than myself ,right from the time we were dating.And that is hurting me now because he is not taking on his responsibility now. I can never ever dream of being a SAHM.So i have left that thought also.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

More Answers



answers from San Francisco on

Hi J.,
Don't feel alone, lots of us are having a difficult time right now. One suggestion that came to mind is go to a local hospital near your home and sign up to be a volunteer a couple of days a week or more.
See if there are some churches that will need help feeding the needy this Thanksgiving and/or Christmas.
When your doing for others (that are less fortunate), things may improve for you.
Ask your husband to do the same, if he does not, so be it. In order to help others, you must take care of your well being first. If he doesn't see it and won't get any help or help himself....It may be time for you to move on.

May God bless and guide you during your time of need.


4 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

Why dont you guys move back? It sounds like the move has done a number on both of you.
I hope you guys can stick together. No money, stress, missing home AND losing a baby are enough to make anyone go insane.
When things get tough with my husband and I, I have to remember that we are in this life together and need to work with each other, rather than against each other to make things work.
When he is complaining, upset and depressed, listen to him, without getting mad or thinking about yourself, get in his mind an feel his point of view and he should do the same for you. Together, work on a resolution that will help you both, and dont forget, that you will BOTH, HAVE to compromise and realize that is completely normal in any relationship.
Be ok with your choices and do not allow each other to resent, because you both agreed.

Hope this makes sense and you guys get out of your funk.
Marriage is hard, but nothing worth having is easy.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Can you move back?

I suggest you make sure you do not get pregnant until you resolve this. I assume you don't have kids yet? Get into counseling right away, to fix things before there's a kid involved.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

It sounds like you have had a lot of losses: loss of community, loss of friends, loss of job, loss of a pregnancy, and loss of a relationship. That's an awful lot to handle in a very short period of time and it's no surprise that you are in pain.

You're feeling kind of powerless - powerless to help him with his job hunt, powerless to stay home as you had hoped yet powerless to get a good job and readjust to the working world, and powerless to cheer him up or share feelings. He's powerless too - powerless to get a job, powerless to change things or to accept responsibility (it's God's fault), powerless to move forward from the computer to the world.

It also sounds to me like you two don't know how to fight fair! There are rude comments and nagging, or at least that's what it seems like to the recipient. I really think you could benefit from come counseling, maybe individually and maybe as a couple. You care more about him than yourself, you say, and he doesn't care enough about himself to make his own life better. I'm not sure what you mean by "I can never ever dream of being a SAHM" - is that because you can't see it happening with him, or because you are sad about losing your pregnancy, or because you think you may never have a child? You are grieving, and you are asking yourself to carry a huge burden all by yourself.

You have been in this situation for 6 months, and while that sometimes seems like an eternity, in many ways it's just a short period of time. I think you both need some help to get out of the rut and the negative behaviors.

Please, call your primary care physician for a referral to a couples therapist. It might be that you each need to see someone separately, but it will help you get some clarity on what YOU want, and it will help him get clearer on what HE wants, and then you need to learn the skills to really reach the other one during conversation so it doesn't dissolve into rude comments or other non-productive techniques.

Whether this marriage lasts or not, you will not be able to move on (either with him or with someone else) until you resolve these issues. You're carrying a heavy load - share it with an objective professional who can help you sort things out.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Wichita Falls on

It sounds like your husband is starting down the road of depression. Depression in men often looks like lack of motivation and anger issues. it would help of he would open up and talk to someone, perhaps your pastor or at a low cost clinic. It probably won't hurt for you either. Moving, lack of funds and a miscarriage is enough to cause any marriage problems.
Then get out of the house. Start your own business, take a class, or volunteer. Staying home and brooding over your problems will make them seem much worse.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

Whatever your husband's issues are ---- you are not to blame. For whatever reason you can not work right now and he needs to find a job. but it is HIS responsibility not yours. He he in a depression? Sitting on the couch and getting angry at you could be a sign of depression.

If jobs are not available where you are start looking in other areas. Some states are booming right now-- some are not. Go to an area where business is booming. You can look online to find jobs and he can go for an interview, then make plans to move.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Oh you are in so much pain. I'm so sorry. Just losing that pregnancy would be enough for most people to cope with and you have so much more on your plate. I think you both need a little outside assistance now to get through this rough spot. Even if you move back, if you do not resolve some of the issues between you right now, those issues will be there in the future. They won't go away because you change your location.
I agree with other responders that your husband sounds depressed. I think a good first step would be to talk to your OB or Primary Care Dr. and describe the situation. They will help you with your own state of mind and should refer you to someone who can help your husband.
Take small steps now as you sound overwhelmed. Don't worry about solving every problem right away. See your Dr, be kind to yourself, and know that it will take some time to find the way again. You might decide in the near future to get some counseling together. It can be a great way to bring more communication tools into your marriage.
You may already feel this way, but bringing a pregnancy and a baby into this situation might be more than you, your husband, or your marriage can handle right now.
Nurture yourself, take small steps, tell the truth, and you will find a better way.



answers from Los Angeles on

In my experience, a man's job and how he supports his family is directly tied to his feelings. When my husband, who is a plumber, was slow and not working as much as he needed to, we fought more, nagged at each other, and really just annoyed each other because we were stressed out. I have a feeling that this is the situation with you and your husband. Just encourage him, but don't nag. I know it's a fine line, but you have to be the support and encouragement he needs since you cannot work yourself. Ask him if he'd like help,what you can help with, or what he'd like you to do and then talk to him about your feelings as well. At least then you'll both understand where the other is coming from. Good luck, don't lose hope, the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest. If you can make it past the 5 year mark, it will get easier.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions