Rejected by Family in Time of Need, So What Should I Do Next Time?

M.,

If you plan to stay in this situation then you need to be prepared to call the police when he gets violent.
His Family is just that "his" and they will not support nor help you they will always do what is best for him.
I would no longer have anything to do with his family after the way they behaved toward you, I would not be around any of them.
You need to have an emergency fund that only you know about and when you need to get out you and the kids can go to a hotel.
Good Luck

M., there should not be a "next time". Your hubby needs some anger management counseling. He sounds super stressed and there is no excuse for taking it out on you and the children. At least, now you know where you stand with the in-laws. If I were you, I would tell him to leave until he can get his anger issues in control. You also need support. Your ob probably has information on this. You needs to protect your kids and yourself.

Please, be careful and don't be afraid to call the police if the situation escalates.

S

When your husband bellows, do not bellow back... turn around and walk away from the situation. When you bellow or act foolish, you are reflecting his immature image. It will probably make him madder that you are not acting like him ie responding but in the long run, he will respect you more for walking away. Second, the mother-in-law probably does not want to take sides. And after delivering your third child, the hubby/you need to get "fixed". Your husband can get a job being a night stocker at Wal-mart or Cosco or Sam's Club. Never know the clientel that comes through the area and there's upper management jobs that become available at these places... not only in the store but at the corporate offices. Good luck.

I think the family members you called a couple pieces of S! I cannot believe they just ignored you!

I am sure that your husband is frustrated with the job situation and such but that gives him no right to be a prick. Ask him how long before YOU or the KIDS are the wall he put a hole in because he had a temper tantrum.

M., my heart wishes I could do more than type out my opinion, and I pray for your family. I am just adding a perspective to consider.
Do you go to church? Your pastor needs to know what happened and you need to get advise from him. Maybe he can give you counseling your husband will listen to.
When a man cannot provide for his family, he is extremely frustrated, that is not an excuse for his behavior, but if there is some way that you can express your love to him and encourage him that will mean a great deal to the both of you in years to come.
It is through stress and trials that we learn what we truly are capable of, remember that God is greater than our trials.
I also think that you should have called your family. They may be 2 hours away but they need to know what happened; and they may be able to help in ways that his side of the family can't/refuse to see. Family shares joys and sorrows, we teach our children to stand by each other in bad times as well as good by words and actions; give your side a chance even though they are a distance away. Your husband needs someone to come along side him as a mentor, a pastor or deacon from your church, or maybe even your father(?)/ brother? He needs someone to show him another perspective, someone he can "vent" to that will understand from a man's perspective.

I don't feel like I am qualified to say what you should since I don't know if this is his normal behavior. Was this a one time thing? I read that he was laid off - I am sure that is affecting the family. I know in my own marriage outside stress can affect how we talk and react to eachother. And your pregnant!! However, my husband has never broken anything in anger. However, he has never been laid off with a pregnant wife.

Also, it doesn't surprise me that his family is rejecting you b/c it is their son. Again, I don't know the family history and if there was violence.

I would say if you feel like you or your children's life is in danger - you should leave until your husband gets control of his anger and stress (seek a professional). You may want to consider some sort of shelter since there is no where else for you to go. And as you mentioned, seek counseling.

I really wish you the best in whatever you decide to do for the sake of your family.

Of course, the obvious is that your husband needs a job. Anything to earn a bit of money and burn energy and stress. He (and maybe you too) needs some anger management classes. Unfortunately those cost money too.

I suspect that this "small argument" is not the first, but one of many, esculating. M., you need more help than we or even family can give you. Please contact a center for abused women. They can give you guidance and direct you to resources.

God bless you.
D.

Perhaps his family didn't want to be involved. I can't say I agree with their decision. Someone should have at least taken the children so that they don't have to see those types of things. I'm responding because I heard on the radio that the Dallas County had what sounded like a low cost, or no cost counseling class they were offering in trying to help families stay together. You may want to check their website. You may also want to check the churches in your area some of them offer those services too without cost. Good luck in your situation. Should the next time he put his hands on you, by all means call the police!

Before there is another outburst, find a women's shelter in your county. There are free counseling services associated with almost every shelter. It sounds like your husband is under a lot of stress and reverted in a bad moment to an immature way of coping. He more than likely loves you and his family and feels helpless in this dire family situation (no job, no insurance). In Collin County there are services for health at the Plano Children's Medical Clinic on 14th street, the number is ###-###-####
For emergency shelters look up: http://www.dallas-divorce-lawyer.com/family_violence_dall... Although the above link says it is for a divorce lawyer it is a page full of women's shelters from all over the Dallas area. (It would be terrible to go through a divorce after a single episode of rage under the circumstances you described.) In addition there is the very well supported services of the Collin County Children's Advocacy Center, which may have everything you need in one place:

Contact Information:

Collin County Children's Advocacy Center

2205 Los Rios Boulevard

Plano, Texas 75074-3422

Phone: ###-###-####
They will provide support for the entire family through counseling, a safe place to stay, and links to job help.
Good luck. You will be in everyone's prayers. This is a nice online support group!

It sounds like super Dad is under some extreme pressure and super mom is stressed also. You are in a very difficult situation, but it doesn't sound like this has to break up the marriage.

I'd go with the advice others have given you. Maybe you don't have to live at a women's center to get counseling help. Your hubby needs help handling the deep emotions that he is experiencing right now and his family CAN'T help you in this situation, and you need help setting boundaries and behavior standards in your home.

It might also help if you guys read some books together about anger and relationships and whatever else might seem helpful. I'm guessing that a lot of the stress comes in the financial area. Maybe it would help to go to a Financial Peace University class (it costs, but scholarships are available). To find out more about them, look up Dave Ramsey.

My husband still has his job, but the stress level in our home has gone up since the economy started to tank.

Never get his family involved. They will always take his side no matter what. I was in a similar situtation. My daughter now who is 9 gets mad and thinks it is okay to hit the wall or throw something. If you do not get a hold of it right now your kids will see this behavior and think it is okay. If you are not ready to leave your husband let him know that you are not going to tolerate his behavior and if it happens again he needs to live the house. If he is unwilling to live pack yours and your kids stuff and go home to your family. Do not tell them what is going on for they will hold it against your husband if you guys decide to stay together. Hope things work out for you!

M., You've gotten great advise from other ladies, mainly advising you to seek out a church for counseling, etc. I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know that I'll be praying for you and your husband during this difficult time. My heart goes out to you all. God bless. S.

everything nita b. said is what i was going to say as well.
husbands are like children, they misbehave when things are not going in the direction they want and feel just as insecure as children do, even though i'm sure he loves you very much. perhaps all of this stress is coming from a new baby on the way and not having a job to take care of his family? however, you probably already know these things and nita b. is quite right. find a women's shelter. the safety of your children and yourself is of utmost importance. going to a shelter does not mean you are giving up on your mariage or that you love your husband any less it's only about taking care or yourself and protecting your children until you can re-group.
i'm so sorry you're going thru this, but life has a way of going up and down, just know that it will go back up again for you........
good luck!

Dear M.,
I am so sorry to hear of your situation! May God Bless you with wisdom, peace, love and direction from above! Please look to God for help and he will guide your every step.

I just said a prayer for you and your family! God Loves You!
R.

M., I know that times are really hard for your husband it doesn't sound like this is normal for him. Your mother in law just wants to stay out of it because of the kids and doesn't want someone to turn against her I'm sure her grandchildren are very precious to her to risk any loss of visitation. I would suggest going to your church if your not part of a church go to the nearest one. You will find a safe haven in church. It will also bring you peace just being there. Please take my advise and listen to your heart. Believing in you and your marriage.
J.

Hi M.,
Your husband sounds very stressed and possibly overwhelmed just as you are probably feeling. There are counseling services in the area that will work with you and offer a sliding scale.

Do you have a friends house that you and your girls can go to? The biggest thing is to get communication open again and to work together. That is what we did when we were under alot of stress. I am not an expert or a specialist when it comes to counseling....just offering some ideas.
Also, does your insurance run out before the baby is due? If so, and your husband hasn't been able to find work with benefits, look into what we offer. I work with a company that offers benefits plans and a hospital advocacy program where they go in and negotiate fees and can get your costs way down. You also might want to consider this for later. We also have online counseling services....just a thought. It might be a good alternative for you. Check it out and let me know if I can answer any questions. Good luck and God Bless! our website is www.mybenefitsplus.com/dianehess

D.