Hi, Mommies - I've had it in my mind that our son is and will be our only child. He's 3. I imagine that this impacts my parenting in ways that I do not realize. How did you parent with #1 if you had this mindset going into parenting, and how did you parent differently when #2 came along?
Thank you!
K.
IMO more kids = more rules. An only child can have a lot of independence, but when another baby comes along suddenly that child has a whole lot of "don'ts." Mostly for safety. However a #2 is a great way to teach #1 about caring for another human being.
Parented the same with both. You have to make adjustments of course when another comes along, but treat both children as if they are one in a million, because they are. :)
I can imagine what you may mean how you may have treated him as if he was an only. It's a tough call, for instance I have hundreds of baby photos of my first, and his first steps videotaped, a calender that I wrote every single milestone on like his first solid poop, every time he said a new word... but when the second came along, those things are just as important, but didn't get as much hoopla.
the only thing I did "different" was when they got older I made sure they treated eachother like their life depended on each other. Other then that, no difference at all.
We had this discussion recently with our pediatrician at our daughter's 2 year well-baby visit. He asked how we were disciplining her.
We commented that she has a different personality than her 3.5 year old brother, and while we try to be consistent and fair, we parent more to the personality.
I work with someone who is an only child and has an only child (9 year-old son). You'd never know. She's very disciplinarian with him, and has incredibly good parenting despite him being the sole source of her attention.
All children have different personalities, and that really needs to be taken into consideration. But, we're going to have the same punishments for the same bad behaviors as well as rewarding the good ones.
As the 3rd of three children, the worst thing you can do is to rear them totally differently - different rules, different punishments, different praise. Be fair, be true to the child, but be consistent.
I remember my sister getting straight A's for the first time in either 7th or 8th grade. My parents threw a freaking party for her. I also had straight A's and barely got a pat on the back - it was expected for me because of my past academic performance (I am 2 years younger). It stung to see them making such a big deal for her when I'd had the same accomplishment at the same time.
She was also never grounded - I was a great kid, but I was grounded all the time. There was, and still isn't, any fairness.
At the end of the day, the most important thing we can do for our child/children is to let them know how much they are loved - even if it's tough love - and how proud we are of the person they are and will become.
#1 son is 2 yrs 8 months older than #2 son. I'm told that I'm more soft on #2 when I've been to my friend's house. I disagree though because she's not around all the time. I feel I'm harder on #2 because #1 was old enough to be following rules and the pace was set. #2 likes things done his way alot of the times and it seriously has been that way since he was a baby, which has caused lots of frustration. (I'm usually not allowed to put an arm around #2, when laying down, unless he puts my arm around him) The softness for #2 happens when #1 is beating on him. It's protectiveness for that younger/smaller child.
Growing up feeling that people picked favorites, that my mom and dad had a favorite (not me)...so I knew I wanted a sibling close in age to #1 when he entered his second year, but was never sure how I would be able to be fair to both. So far I feel things have turned out fine. #2 is more outgoing than #1 (which I feel is most common with lots of families) due to everyday experiences. #2 has always had a play mate and gets outside more than #1 did at the same age. #2 is more sociable (#1 is too, but he was more shy at a younger age) since I don't isolate him as much as #1 was. When I had #1 I felt and still feel that I brought him into this world, he is mine and my husbands. I want to be his one and only, I don't want him to love others more than me. As he got older it's been harder to keep him to myself, so therefore #1 has been able to not be so isolated because there's big brother.
No matter what I love both my children. I feel lucky that I had different birthing experiences with both, it's makes them unique and I remember who was who. I love that #1 looks/acts like me and #2 looks/acts like daddy. I love how #2 copies everything #1 does. At times when I was pregnant I thought "what did I do", whenever I couldn't spend time with #1. The feelings passed as I saw how much more bonding #1 had with daddy and they both really love it. While the big boys go on bike rides, #2 stays with me and we love it. I would be crushed without my boys, they were truly meant for me.
Logistics will be the only thing different that you'll have to manage and be aware of but you'd be amazed how much love you have as a mother regardless of how many kids you have. You love them all the same and want the best for all of them. Don't worry about it, it'll come naturally.
I waited 6 years between my first and second child. My second child gets as much of the spotlight as my first does. Because of the age difference, I get to treat my second like i did my first. My oldest son loves his baby brother and understands that there is stuff he can do that the baby can't and vice versa.
Each child is a different human being. So you parent according to the individual you have the joy of loving. My sons are very much alike but different at the same time. I parent very much the same with both. Your actions have conquences. I listen and learn with them. I was told by the doctors I had a small chance of being pregnant. When I had my first son no thought of a second was there for me. Seventeen years later when I was told I was pregnant. I was shocked about the situation. I was not suppose to ever have another child per more than one doctor. I delivered both without drugs for their health and mine. I have loved and screwed up as a parent with both my children. Your life is never safe. Their life is never safe. Forget the work spend time playing and learning. They are adults way to fast. Know your child encourage their go qualities and talents. Work on the things they do not know. Do not care what others think is important for your children. Think what is important for your child. What can they do to give back in this life? No easy answers. I love them both for who they are. The conversations are just different now a days.
