My daughter is 3 and has been fully potty trained for about 7 mos. When she first trained, she wouldn't go in Public potties. Like others, she didn't like the sounds or the automatic flushing and she always comments on whether or not a bathroom is clean. One day, all of. Sudden it was fine. She would go in any potty anywhere. Then about 3 mos after she mastered it, she completely regressed and still refuses to use public potties again (with the exception of preschool and the swimming pool, which she was used to using both, since she was there so often). She rarely has accidents because she has unbelievable bladder and bowel control, but I worry about UTI's from holding it so long. I believe it is very much a control issue, as she always waits until the last minute, even at home, to go. She won't go before bed or before leaving the house unless she really has to. When I push the issue, it makes it worse. I am at a loss as to how to encourage her that public restrooms are safe and clean enough to relieve yourself. Now she is even starting to tell her teachers at that she only wants to go potty at home.
I take my own potty into public toilets cause I don't like them either. They are not always as clean and safe as you think.
I got my son a fold up potty seat that I bring in my purse when I go to the mall. You can also carry a reg. potty chair in your car for long drives and stuff.
I talked to my DD and praised her for using a public toilet. I said, "Isn't it better to use a strange potty (for her the issue was that they are all strange and unpredictable) than it is to have an accident?" Sometimes we check out a potty first. Okay, this one is a robot, so we'll cover the eye. And Mommy always has seat covers if there aren't any left (they sell them in 5 packs in the travel section). Or this one has a handle. I know it might be loud but you can cover your ears and I'll flush for you. Etc. I tried to take the "strange" out of it. We also tend to use the same (less disgusting) bathrooms so she gets used to them. Anywhere that has a family restroom we use that one - she loves the sink and toilet that is her sized. If she's worried about it not being clean, I'd keep extra wipes in a bag and give the seat a wipe before the cover goes on. Frankly, I don't like public bathrooms much, especially if they smell, but it's better than the alternative.
With my DD, we all take a potty break before leaving the house or taking a bath. I try to normalize it as something all people do, not just what I'm forcing her to do because I'm mean.
Around 3 and 4 they so badly want to control their world and much of it is still not theirs to choose. I think she's found something to control and is using it. I'd try to give her other things to control and see if the potty thing lets up.
My ten year old won't use public bathrooms. She won't use the school bathroom either. If she has to go and can't hold it, she uses the toilet in the nurse's office (with the school nurse's blessing).
For her it's about sensory overload. She can't tolerate the sounds, the odor, or really anything about the entire experience. It's as unpleasant as going to a hospital for her. She smells things more strongly, hears things more intensely, the lights are more unpleasant and bright to her, and even the air feels different to her. She just locks up tight and CAN'T use those bathrooms.
Therefore, I don't force her. I have her use the bathroom before we leave the house. If she has to use the toilet while we're out, then we plan a quick exit. If she has to use the toilet right away then that changes the plan, and we have to find a bathroom with a handicapped rest room or a family bathroom. We then make sure that the toilet has the paper toilet shield on it, which she also hates because of how it feels, and then she uses it and gets out of there as fast as possible. She hates touching anything in the bathroom. It doesn't help that she's a germophobe and knows what's in public bathrooms. I have to keep disinfecting wipes in my purse so that I can wipe down the seats and door handles and whatnot when we go out "just in case" so she can use the toilet.
My point is that pushing the issue isn't going to help. You can only do what you can to help her cope when there isn't a choice. Send her to school with changes of clothes, because at some point she's going to have an accident from being unable to hold her bladder. And yes, she may get a UTI or bladder infection. You can then explain to her why she has one.
As far as the auto flushers, I've seen suggestions on covering the sensor with a piece of toilet paper. Then when the child is finished, you can remove the toilet paper.
My grandson didn't like public restrooms because of the loud fans that are in most of them... he is very sensitive to loud noises, and would refuse to go in those. If the noises are a problem, like with those extremely loud hand dryers, try to find the "family" bathroom.... you have more control over the noise in there.
Another tip on automatic flushers: If they're in the wall, you can't just cover them with toilet paper (like the ones that are mounted on the toilet itself) and it's a pain to help a young child use the toilet while you have one hand stuck over the "eye" on the wall. So carry either a small roll of masking tape or a packet of post-it (sticky) notes in your purse. You can stick either a piece of the tape or a sticky note over the eye in the wall and the toilet won't flush until you pull it off and press the button to flush. I HATE auto-flush toilets even for myself, and I can see how little kids would be terrified of them.
You're right that this likely is a potent control issue for her, and three is the age when kids really, really want control over whatever they CAN control -- and they have figured out that no adult can make them produce something on the toilet. Do not let this become a battle with her. If she seems sensitive to smells, lights, noise etc. she could have sensory issues (as another mom noted very well below), but if you think the issue is not that but pure control -- if you make it an issue she will become more entrenched in her desire to control this. Frankly, she may need to have one big accident in public for her to figure out that an accident is much more "germy" than the public toilets. Sorry to say that but it might be true if this is a control issue rather than sensory.
Alternatively you could find ways to give her more control: Let her have a bag in which she carries the cleaning wipes that you use to clean the doorknob, the seat etc. ( of course you would do the actual cleaning! She would just be in charge of the wipes, carrying her own "special super clean because they came from home" seat covers, etc.) That might be giving in a bit much to her germ phobia or it might empower her just enough to make her comfortable going in public bathrooms -- only you can judge which.
My older son became afraid of public toilets after using one with an auto-flush that went off while he was sitting. It scared the heck out of him.
It took a long time to convince him to use a public bathroom again, but we did make a point to avoid those with auto-flushers.
It is probably the loud flush. The auto flush goes off at the wrong time, because they are so little. Try taking her in one when she doesn't have to go let her flush the toilet with her foot.
if she doesnt like the auto flush again block the sensor till shes done. i would use my hand if it was up high or my bag if it was a lower sensor.
