Privacy

Our son is a high school freshman and he has destroyed whatever right to privacy he had, by doing things online that were reckless and outright dangerous. He posted on Instagram provocative photos of himself shirtless and tagged the photos with sexual terms like #gayteen. He met male strangers online and gave them his phone number or text address. He got into arguments with strangers on Facebook where he was verbally abusive.

I love our son and he is a great kid overall, but his brain simply is not mature enough for the awesome challenge of using the Internet responsibly. As a result, we monitor his computer with a program that let's us know what he is doing online. We took away his smartphone, because he can do a lot less damage with a flip phone. (No Instagram! No Kik! Heck, no Internet!)

I felt bad at first for "spying" on him, but he knows we are monitoring him and, as his therapist said, safety trumps privacy any day.

I suspect people will disagree with our tactics. That is fine. Unless you have a kid who risks getting abducted, arrested, or worse because of their actions on the Internet, it probably is hard to understand!

I do offer my kids a good degree of privacy. I am aware of what they are doing and check in on a regular basis but I am not all up in their faces and hovering. They know the rules of the house. They know if they break them there will be consequences.
Respect and privacy should be given so a child can prove that they deserve it and how not to break that trust given.
My kids are on the younger side, they are 13,10 and 5. But they already have a good amount of privacy and have treated that trust from my husband and I properly. They are very open and honest with us as we are with them.
Unless a child is doing things that show that they can not be trusted alone they should be afforded their privacy.

Mine are now 18 (graduated high school) and 16. I told them I'll trust you until I have a reason not to. My biggest rule was don't lie to me. If you say you're going to a certain person's house so you better be there. If I find out you're not, then you lose privileges. They're both really good kids. They know I can look at their phones any time if I want, but I chose not to. If I suspected something, I would but I don't. Once they have a license and a car, it changes the dynamics. They each had their own person iPads and ones from the school as well as Internet on their phones. I've checked history a few times (not recently) and there was nothing alarming. I respect their privacy to talk on the phone and talk privately with their friends.

I'm with Katrina. I allowed her privacy and she showed me that she could be responsible.

My son is seven, so his privacy is somewhat limited. His computer use is a non-issue, really, as he needs to use my laptop and often will ask me to help him. (and I take my email, etc off the browser when he does). He's not tech savvy yet, so that's where we are for now.

He's always been allowed to close his door when he's alone. When friends are over, the rule is that the door stays open. I figure that if we have an open-door rule now when he's young and grows up with it, then it won't be a new thing when he's a teen and wants to have friends over. Esp. helpful when his friends' younger siblings come to play as well. We can easily keep an ear out for the little ones and you can still have a low-voiced, private conversation with that door open.

I imagine that some of these things will change. I will say, though, that I grew up with parents who invaded my privacy on a regular basis (reading diaries/private writing) and deeply resented that. My feeling is that "I trust you until you give me a reason not to trust you" and that, if phones/computers are being misused, then they get taken away for a while until we feel that amends are made or that we're seeing trustworthy actions again. I don't feel there's any point in giving my son the privileges of using technology if I'm going to have to babysit him and track his every move. Maybe I'll feel differently, but if he can handle it, Yeah, if not, then you lose free access, buddy.

OH, and he has a book I made for him for all of his "potty pictures and naughty words" that he wants to write. I don't snoop in it but he will show it to me and I have to say, it's pretty hysterical. My only caveat is that he hands it over before friends come, as I really don't want to hear about it from their moms.

M.,

My kids know I will check their cell phones, facebook and e-mail for inappropriate contact. I am paying for the services (phone, internet, computer, etc.) as well as being responsible for them should they mess up...so yeah - I get to look and see what's going on.

When friends are over? They are usually in the family room playing the XBOX. They rarely go to their bedrooms to play. I don't like having the doors closed when people are playing...unless they are playing music that others don't like...

My kids know that once trust is broken, it's really hard to get it back...

(My response isn't so much about privacy as just monitoring what they do online, after reading some of the responses below.)

When my SS was about 15, his parents felt that they had no reason to check up on him. According to them, he had given them no reason. I don't believe in waiting for a "reason". I think that periodic checks are important and necessary. How is a parent trusting if he/she doesn't know what's happening when the kid thinks that no one is looking? Also, trust issues aside, I just think that it's important to take an interest in what our kids are doing.

Anyway, I was in the car alone with him one day. He went to sleep, and traffic came to a standstill. He had been reading these stories online, and I got curious. His phone had fallen between us, and I picked it up. What I read opened up a whole new era in our parenting experience. After that, they checked everything, and their heads were spinning for the next two, three, four years.

I wasn't being nosy. I wasn't trying to catch him doing something that he shouldn't have been. I was taking an interest in what he was reading. I was looking for something to discuss with him. I was looking to get to know him.

My son is 3, so this is a non-issue right now. My belief--especially in this age of technology--is that they should learn early that there are no secrets online.

I like open doors when my kids have play dates.

My oldest has an iPod Touch. We spelled the rules out for her when we gave it to her. I had to uninstall things like Instagram because she wasn't following the rules. I monitor her texts randomly, and have only had to ask her about something once. She knows I look at it. She knows she has to give me her password if she changes it. One time she thought she would change it, and not tell me and she lost the device for two weeks.

The internet opens up a whole world to kids. You have to decide how much of that world you want them to be privy to. I like to keep it small. She only texts and emails people she knows in real life.

I don't think kids need that much privacy. I'm not saying go all Duggar on them or anything like that, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what they're up to and making sure they're behaving according to your family's rules.

This has been a recent new adventure for us. My daughter (15) got her first phone last year. We did a contract with her before getting the phone because I wanted her to recognize the responsibility it entailed. I also wanted there to be clear boundaries. I told her I would be checking her phone periodically and it was not about trust it was about teaching. I asked her if she wanted to sit beside me when I checked or if she just wanted me to check it and come to her if I have questions. She said for me to check it and ask questions if I had any. So far I have been very happy with our agreement. She does have internet access and she is allowed to have it in her room. However the phone is on the counter no later than 10 unless she has permission to have it. I am amazed at how many texts she receives after midnight.

I explained from the beginning that she was now embarking on a path in her life where I want to give her more opportunities to be independent since I realize she will be on her own very shortly. The only way I can do that though is by her being successful in the lesser ones. We talked about the importance of honesty in all things and how lying can and will destroy relationships.

I love she has a phone for many reasons. One of the best is that if she's having some attitude issues I can very calmly say, uh oh, I sure hope you won't lose your phone today because you're allowing your attitude to take over instead of having good self control. She's lost her phone maybe 3 times over a year.

I think you have to trust your kids to a certain degree but that doesn't mean you don't follow up. Just like I wouldn't expect my 5 year old to have great manners if I demonstrated them a couple times and then didn't make sure each time good manners were used.

I will also tell you I used to live in the metroplex and worked for a large police department typing warrants. This was over 15 years ago and the number of warrants I typed due to minor girls meeting adult males (some thought the men were younger, some knew they were in their 20's and 30's) we're mind boggling. Some cases the girl was drugged and horrible things happened they couldn't remember). For that reason alone, good or bad, I will check my daughter's phone frequently.

By the way, I have a friend whose husband is a district attorney. She has already begun to tell her preteen girls they have no privacy until they move out. ;)

Blessings as you navigate this new adventure. Know that this is a training ground.