Potty Training in Girls

Get rid of diapers, put her in underwear and plan on staying home for several days. She is almost 4 1/2!!!! t this point it is non negotiable.

An acceptable way to potty train at any age is to put the child in training pants. Doing so is not extreme at all. I would do as the pediatrician suggested. I'm assuming that the pediatrician ruled out medical and/or developmental issues.

I would be direct with her and tell her that she is no longer a baby and will not be wearing diapers anymore. She knows when she needs to go. Now, it's a matter of making it unpleasant for her so that she will want to use the potty.

The baby is no longer new. He's over a year old. It's way past time to excuse her behavior by citing the new baby.

Be calm. Be sympathetic. Tell her you know it seems easier to just pee without going to the toilet. But also talk with her about all that she's missing. Brag on her being a big girl. You don't need to use rewards or bribes at this age. Appeal to her own sense of wanting to be a big girl like other kids her age.

Tell her that you'll help her by taking her to the bathroom every hour or two until she's in the habit of taking herself to the bathroom. Praise her when she co-operates. Have her change her own panties and clean up the mess when she goes in her panties. You might give her a week or so of helping her with "accidents" so that she gets the idea first and then let her deal with the consequences of not going to the bathroom if they continue.

You've ruled out a medical reason for not using the toilet. She should be trained in a couple of weeks. I have a friend whose daughter was able to go on her own in one week at the age of 3. She was definitely ready, as it sounds like your daughter is.

Because of the tone of your post, I wonder if you've been trying too hard to make sure she doesn't feel displaced by her brother. It's time for each to have their own place. Baby behavior is no longer acceptable from her.
Brother does such and such because he's 1. You do such and such because you're 4. That sort of thinking.

You will not be scarring her if you are matter of fact, non-judgmental, and do not punish. Be good natured and upbeat. Treat her as if you expect her to be able to do this. By using panties, she will be uncomfortable with the accidents. No need to punish or give further consequences. No need to lecture.

At 4, refusing to put on diapers on her is the best solution. She is bound to feel uncomfortable doing potty in her big-girl panties. Sit her and tell her that she is now big enough to use the toilet like all big girls, and that she doesn't need nappies. In front of her, collect all her diapers, put them in a bag and toss into the bin (or make a show of throwing into the bin but hide it away...but you have to convince her that you've really thrown them away). And that's the end of nappies. I bet two days of no nappies and icky accidents will convince her that this time, you really mean it about starting to use the toilet. :)
Baby brother is now 1 yr old. She now has to be the big sister, the big girl! All the best!

The pediatrician's recommendation is actually is one of many suggested approaches to potty training. How about telling her that the diaper fairy is coming to take the diapers to a needy baby? This worked wonders to get my daughter off her bottle, something that she had vigorously refused to do previously. Take her underwear shopping and let her pick out what she wants and have her help clean up the messes.

It's recommended you don't make major changes until the new sibling is 6 months old, that ship has sailed ;)

I agree with your pediatrician, but in your case it won't be that simple, 4 years is a long time to be in diapers and then give them up. My recommendation is to read the advise at this site for potty training refusers, which she is, there is very helpful information to help you help her get trained:
http://www.rogerknapp.com/medical/pottytrainingrefusals.htm

Keep in mind that children younger than her are being potty trained every day without being scarred.

Best wishes!

Our story is very similar to yours. My son is 5.5 and my daughter just turned 4 in April. My son wasn't fully potty-trained until about 2 months after he turned 4. We went to his 4 year well-check and our doctor looked at him and said, "It's time, buddy. You can do it." The doctor advised that we try putting my son in underwear a few times a week, even at night. Be prepared for accidents and don't get upset if/when they happen, but start from there and build up to fully potty trained. That day we went cold turkey and I can count on one hand how many accidents my son had from that day forward. It was like the light went off and he was potty trained overnight.
We tried putting my daughter in big girl pants around 2.5 years old, but she wasn't consistent enough, at 3 we bribed her with getting a fish and we thought this was going to do the trick, but once that little stinker got her fish, she stopped going on the potty! At her 4 year well check our doctor looked at her and said, "It's time, sweetie. You can do it." I kid you not, from that day forward she has gone pee and poop on the potty without fail! I wish our doctor would have said those magical words at the 2 or 3 year well check!!!

So putting her in big girl undies is not extreme, you kinda have to throw down the gauntlet at this point to get potty training to happen. Also, keep looking around for a preschool that will accept kids that are not fully potty-trained. There are some out there that understand every kid doesn't potty train at the same age as everyone else. My kids ended up at our preschool partly for that reason. My daughter was able to start preschool at age 2 and my son was 3. That kind of peer pressure is powerful in a good way because she sees other kids her age going on the potty and somehow it becomes "cool".
Good luck!
A.

I agree that removing diapers from the mix is not extreme-- it's just a message to her that soiling herself is no longer an option. Do not let guilt be a factor in how you choose to make parenting decisions. She NEEDS to feel herself being wet if she is to become motivated to use the toilet.

My thinking is that if she is getting attention from you when she is diapered, you need to find a different way/time to give her that attention. Perhaps it's reading a short story to her when she's on the potty. Replacing the "attention piece" mindfully will help if you are worried that this is about connection. You can make using the toilet a positive attention time for those five minutes.

Keep her at home for a week or so, let her wet herself as much as need be. Stay cool, calm and collected and let her help you change her clothes, put wet clothes in a plastic bag or the washer, etc. Staying emotionally neutral on your end of things will really help. When she has a tantrum, no talking, just take her to her room and tell her "come get me when you are ready to sit on the toilet". If she comes out to yell or grumble and is not ready to sit on the potty, take her back to her room.

Be assertive. "Time to go sit on the potty" NOT "Do you need to go?"-- she will always reply 'no' because this is her power struggle with you. If you are not a parent who is comfortable with being assertive, keep this in mind: you are one mother in a long, long line of mothers going back generation beyond generation. You are not doing anything bad to your daughter. YOU KNOW BETTER THAN SHE DOES (yes, shouting here to make a point) what she needs to do. You are the adult and you are not doing anything unreasonable or untoward to your daughter. You are insisting she help herself with staying dry.

This is very reasonable thing to insist on at this age.

Some other perks: get those thick trainers first, and when you have a few days of success, let her choose out a pack of panties on the next shopping trip. Even the thin, cute character ones-- now is the time to be generous and let her make *this* choice within the situation. Let her know that when she is consistently staying dry, she'll get to wear the cute undies.

Lastly, I don't know if your baby is mobile, but when younger siblings do begin to move around, older sibs feel that their 'space' is threatened, because babies do have a way of interrupting/destroying their play. Be very sure you are helping her in this area as well, because this is another very strong contributing factor to power struggles and bad feelings on the part of the older sibling. Be sure your daughter has safe places to play near you, where her toys/play scenes aren't disturbed. At this age, when I worked in families with multiple siblings, I would often be the 'voice' for the younger child and ask "can I use that toy" which allowed the older, offended child to assert themselves and say "no". (which is entirely reasonable). I sometimes let the older kid play with 'tiny pieces' (polly pocket, legos) in the pack and play so their work wasn't disturbed and they weren't banished for the pieces being a choking hazard for baby. Be smart in ensuring that other potential reasons for power struggles are addressed and I think you will have more cooperation on the potty, too. When we feel included and things are going our way, we have less reason to go to the effort of making a fuss. :)

I'd also refrain from mentioning your reasons why you'd like her trained "so you can take a dance class, won't that be fun?" etc. Just : "You are a four year old now, and fours wear underpants." A fact of life. If you mention preschool or a class, she may see this as an unwelcome separation from you, and may fight you on it. So, treat it as a fact of nature, like all of those moms before you did: 'You are four (don't say 'big kid' as she might argue with this, still wanting to be little and cuddled like brother); when a child is four, it's underwear time." Fact of life, nothing to argue with. (I used this reason when my son was four and not wanting to sleep on his own, BTW. "Teacher Michele and Teacher Diane told me that four year olds sleep in their own bed." Just how it is. He couldn't argue with that.)

I am not sure what you mean when you say you 'find this to be a bit extreme'? How exactly do you think you potty train children? You have to refuse to put a diaper on. That is the whole point.

Diapers go away and panties go on. She gets lots of encouragement and BIG praise when she goes and absolutely NO punishment when she has accidents, accident do and will happen! It should take you less than a week. All 3 of my kids (2 boys & 1 girl) were all done within 4-5 days right at or around 2y/o.

You watch her like a hawk, all kids have their 'potty dance' or wiggle that they do when they have to go potty, watch for it, you will recognize it and then take her (DO NOT ASK HER if she has to go, YOU TELL her she has to go) and give BIG praise when she is done!

~Does she have developmental issues? I only ask b/c you also state that besides refusing to potty train she also throws tantrums, which is also NOT normal for her age...she should be well past that stage. Have you asked the doctor I'd something else might be going on with her?

Potty training usually really isn't that difficult IF you, as the parent, actually invest a couple days into it and actually stay on the ball and take charge. This is something that the parent has to do, not many children self train, most of them are 'trained' by the adult in their life.

That's exactly how I ended up potty-training my daughter at 3 years 8 months and she is not scarred at all, but she did pee-train in 2 days. I think the diapers were a security thing with her and she was afraid of making mistakes, plus the diapers were so adsorbent that she really wasn't bothered by the feeling of being wet. Pull-ups made no difference. Stickers, candy, etc. - none of worked, she threw a fit at the idea of using the potty every single time. I finally ended up committing to a 3 day weekend of being home with her, sticking her in underwear, and not really giving her a choice any longer. She woke up that morning, we took her overnight diaper off, and instead of putting another diaper on her, told her they were all gone and she was going to be wearing underpants instead and going pee on the potty so they stayed dry. She flipped out but I held firm. I've never been afraid of my kid throwing a fit about something if it was something that was non-negotiable.

She made a lot of wet panties that day and still would not sit on the potty to try anything. She got a pull-up that night and in the morning it was dry. She wanted another diaper back on and I told her no, we wear underpants now and we need to keep them dry. She went 3 HOURS not going pee, but had had a ton of juice, and I kept just having her sit on the toilet periodically to try. Finally she started squirming and dancing around trying to hold it in and I marched her over to the potty - she started screaming and crying while sitting there but couldn't hold the pee in any longer! Once she had that first taste of success and she realized what it felt like to have to pee and have to get to the potty to do it, she was off and running!

My daughter is now a happy, well-adjusted 5.5 year old, with no psychological issues from being "forced" to potty train. We basically used the "3 day potty training" method (you can Google it) and it worked for us. Unless your daughter has some kind of developmental issues that would make potty training more of a challenge, there is no reason for her to still be in diapers at this point. You just have to commit to the idea that she needs to be wearing underwear and expected to use the toilet like a big girl - having a baby brother who is now over a year old is no excuse. Sometimes I think some kids need to be "pushed" a little, so they can grow instead of always holding themselves back.

Here's my thought. If you really want to clean up pee and pooh all day off your furniture and floors then go ahead and take the pull ups away.

I suggest that there is more going on here. Kids don't want to wet themselves or to poop on themselves. So it seems to me that she might have some other developmental stuff going on. Sorry, I don't know of any child that wasn't at least wearing underwear during the day and pull ups at night that didn't have some sort of developmental disability.

The behaviors you are describing are very much below her developmental level.

If you want her to do dance and school they you have to put a pull up on her and let her go. I'd only do 1 hour classes though so you can change her pull up. As for school, if she has a diagnosis they have to supply an aide for her if she is unable to go by herself. It would be that aides job to assist your daughter in her toileting.

Taking diapers away is not an extreme method of potty training, it is the usual method.

my son was almost 3.. and was about to move out of the toddler room at day care...I knew I had to train him before he moved up to the next room. He showed no signs of readiness. Did not want to train.. but one day.. I said he was a big boy.. and here are your big boy panties.. and then we never put on a diaper again. Your daughter is 4.. she has the ability to control her bladder and bowels.. she can go on the potty.. you just have to gently convince her to do it.. when you are low on diapers.. say only 10 diapers left.. then count down.. and then go to panites.. do not buy any diapers.. she will be forced to train.

when you are training.. do not ask her if she wants to go potty or has to go.. take her every 30 minutes.. if she wets.. change her clothes without much fuss. I bet she will be trained in 3 days..

I had this problem with my son--I took him to the Doctor to see if there was anything physically wrong with him that he wouldn't use the potty. He was over three, and I had been trying for a while. The doctor said, "Your mom is going to have a baby, you need to use the potty." That was it. Potty trained that day. Don't know why it worked, but it did.