Potty Training Advice Needed---DESPARATELY

I would just ask him why he doesn't want to go on the potty. It could be something very simple. I had a friend who's six year old was the same way - they finally asked him what the issue was, and he said he was afraid he was going to use too much toilet paper and clog the toilet. They calmed his fears that it would be okay, and he's been fine ever since, so you never know! Good luck!

Pick a few days to stay at home. Tell him firmly but kindly that he is a big boy now and MUST use the toilet. Take all of his pants, underpants, and pullups and put them up where he can't get to them. Put him in a long t-shirt (so that he won't be embarrassed), and wait. If he hasn't used the toilet by bedtime, make him go to bed this way. He will need to go eventually, and he will use the toilet if the pull-ups, etc. aren't available. Just wait him out and DON'T give in. It will speed things along if you give him some sort of mild laxative.

I had a Pediatrician tell me years ago that the longer you wait to toilet train a child, the more difficult it will be. They can become very stubborn about it. Many people say to wait until they are 3 to start, but 24 mos. works just great, and the child hasn't had a chance to become set in their ways. Pull-ups can be useful, but they can also be a real hindrance to potty training.

I'm having the same problem with my 3 year old. I received my regular email from babycenter.com yesterday and that was a question asked my another parent. There were several suggestions. You might try going to www.babycenter.com and search for that topic. It was pretty helpful and gave me some ideas to try. Good luck! I know how frustrating it is.

I went through this when my son was 2.5 and my doctor said to give him Root Beer laxative (Cant remember the exact name, maybe dr fleishmans?) every day. That way he can't hold it, its a mild laxative not a strong one. Sit him on the potty throughout the day and he will go without realizing he will. It took a few days of him being naked and sitting on the potty off and on.

If he holds it like he is now, it will hurt when he finally goes.

It seems behavioral...and it is in a sense...but there is a biological component behind this. The more they hold the movememt the less sensation they have to actually feel a bowel movement. For some reason your son decided to hold his BMs at some point. The more he held it the less sensation he has. What happens next is "leaky BM's" or very large stools when he finally has them.

My son is 5 and we have been fighting the same fight. We have been on Miralax to soften his stools and we have seen 2 GI doctors to rule out any other causes. The last doctor told us that my son is the only one who can solve this. We have worked with him, though, to ensure that he gets to the potty on time as often as possible. It is an uphill fight and it is very, very frustrating but it is VERY important for your son to understand that this is not his fault.

We started our son on Miralax and then we started taking him to the potty and making it fun, Mommy time. We go after we eat since that is the best time for the bowels to actually move. We sing songs, read books and celebrate the victories. The trick is to get him to stay on the toilet long enough for the movement to happen. Now he usually makes it to the bathroom on his own and mostly on time.

I would speak with your pediatrician and make sure that nothing else is going on. Are his stools hard? Maybe a softner will help get you started.

I'm not going to lie...it takes time. A LOT of time. My son is so much less ashamed now.

Good luck! You are not alone on this!!!!

My daughter was doing the same exact thing. I started hiding the pull ups and pretending that we couldn't find one. She started practicing on the trainer toilet, then eventually graduated tot he big one. Ours are really big so she was super scared of them. So finally, at 4 1/4, we are pooping in the potty. (DSCLAIMER: I don't work in the summer, so it was easier to maintain conisistency.)

Does this child have any four year old guy friends? Maybe if he saw someone in his age bracket that was on the toliet for BM he would not be afraid. Try this. Take an empty aersol bottle... type in bold print bad toliet monster spray on a colorful piece of paper. take the paper and tape around the empty aersol can. give the aersol can to your son and have him spray the bathroom before he enters to utilize the toliet for a BM. I had a friend that used the monster begone spray for monsters under the bed fears. Good luck.

Unfortunately I have an almost 3 year old girl who does exactly the same thing! She also seems absolutely terrified and screams and has hysterics if we try to place her on the potty when she is going. She will pull her panties down to pee in the potty, then pull them back up and poop. We have also tried everything you mentioned without success. At this point we are just hoping she will outgrow this fear. Sorry I am not any help.

I know it sounds funny, but to get my kids to have a BM on the potty I gave them books. They would get so into the books that "it" would just happen and they were always surprised by it. So now we have a basket by the potty with books and magazines in it. Who doesn't like to do a little reading while on the toilet?

I don't know if this will help you but it worked for me. My boys all had the same problem. You think they will be going to college in diapers.
I put shower curtains all over the living room floor. I put the potty chair in the middle of the room in front of the television. I put popsicles and snacks in a cooler in the living room. I put on Sesame Street and whatever else he liked to watch. Then I let him run naked. Yep, naked. No diapers, no pants, nothing. We constantly played "hurry hurry hit the potty". Lots of popsicles, lots of snacks. When he went in the potty, lots of praise. When they did the deed, they took the stuff in the potty bowl to the bathroom, flushed it down and got candy. When they didn't do it in the potty, I said nothing, cleaned it up and ate the candy in front of them because then it was my reward. By the second day, they were pretty good.
Best of luck

W., what a timely question! After having two girls that all but potty trained themselves around 2 1/2, I had my boy. My son turned 4 in May and had still NEVER, not one time pooped in the potty and wasn't much for pottying in it either. I have blamed it on his irritible bowel syndrome, etc. We, too tried all of the things that you said.....bribery(sp) although we liked to call it possitive reinforcement, peer pressure, consequences, and nothing worked. So, Sunday, I took off the pull up and put away the big boy underwear. My thought being that if he didn't have anywear else to put it (thank the good Lord for leather couches) that maybe, just maybe he would use the potty. After all, he does poop about 6 times a day. He did scream at me for the first two (yes two) hours that he wanted his pants on. But, what do you know it worked!!!!!! It honestly worked. Last night was the second night that he slept in bigboy pants and wears them all day. We have not had one accident (knock on wood).

I hope that things can turn for you, because I know just how frustrating it is.

Take care and good luck.

J.

If he has his BM around the same time every day (like the afternoon) then stay at home and have him bottomless. My daughter would do the same thing and would go in her panties or pullup. So we just got rid of those and it worked in about a day. She obviously didn't want to go on the floor. Try that. Good luck!

Listen to him, find out why he is scared. Reassure him that you love him and STOP pressuring him or, probably better said: don't make a big deal out of it. If I put myself in his little shoes I would say that most of his fear and anxiety is from seeing your frustration and him feeling like he's dissappointing you. Give him time. If you are anything like me - it was very hard for me to let my little man go at his own pace. (I thought I needed him to "be on schedule") But I'm very glad I did b/c seeing the self confidence the first time he went "poo-poo in the potty like a big boy" made all the accidents seem like distant memories. ALWAYS remind him to never give up!!!! There is no greater reward for a little boy than to make his parents proud! (Although, he would probably say ice cream if you asked!) Hope this helps.

this may sound a little harsh but it works. the next time he poops in his underwear or pullups, tell him the only way you are going to clean him is outside with the waterhose,and actually DO IT. The water is cold, he will get the picture and probably refrain from doing in his pants. Mine did. I got this idea from a book by Michael Pearl To Train Up a Child. I think???

I was having the same trouble with my son. One day he went in his under pants and I made he rise his own under pants out and he has been using the potty every since.

Hi W.--If he waits until he gets home, that helps makes it predictable. I would take it in steps -- first encouraging him to tell you when he has to go then getting him to the potty -- pullup and all. Have him go on the potty with the pullup on. Then dump the poop into the potty and have him flush it. Affirm that poop is for the potty and it's safe to let the poop go. Next day, cut a small hole in the bottom and have him sit on the potty in the pullup. Tell him what you are doing and again, that poopies go in the potty and it's safe to let them go. Each day make the hole a little bigger until the poop just falls out the bottom and he sees that it's okay. Continue to tell him that poop is for the potty and it's safe to let the poopies go. When it comes to body functions, I really think it is powerful for a child to get a sense of mastery on their own rather than making them do something that for whatever reason, they are not ready for. I do think children respond when they feel understood. And I think it's fair to tell him that you've tried lots of other things to get him to go, you understand he doesn't want to, and that you want to work as a team. Sell the idea of a transition -- "we'll take it slowly and help you feel ready." I also agree with letting him watch you and other kids poop -- letting him know it's just what bodies do. My son really liked using the toilet paper and wipes with the little puppies on them (Cottonelle?) -- that helped make using the potty a little more fun. And I read to him as distraction for a while too. Good luck ... this too shall pass. Maybe not as quickly as you'd like ;)

I have a son who did the exact same thing. I eventually found out that he was having a problem with being constipated. I put him on Miralax (1 teaspoon in the morning in his chocolate milk), and after about 4 days he was pooping in the potty like a champ. I haven't had a problem since(he is now 5 1/2).
Good Luck!!!

The idea of using the "big" potty is scary. My son also refused, so we used a kidd potty and he started going. I know this might sound lame for a 4 1/2 year old but it might work. My 3 year old refused to go #2 on the big potty but he will pee in it all day. Hope this helps.

I have read many of the other responses and my 4 1/2 old daughter has done many of the same things. She often complains about her bottom hurting and not wanting to go to potty. At first we thought she was just constipated, but after some time my husband and I realized that she was holding it. I talked with her pediatrician about it and she suggested using a stool softner called MiraLAX. It is sold over the counter in the pharmacy section. It comes in a purple and white bottle with a hot pink lid. When I use this on a consistant (daily/every other day) basis, it really works. The bottle that I have doesn't tell you how much to give a child. I normally put a thin layer of the powder on the inside of the lid and then add it to something she will drink. You may want to contact your pediatrician for a better suggestion of how to measure it out if you want to try this with your son.

We are going through the EXACT same thing with one of our boys right now. He refuses to have a BM in the potty. Miralax gave him diarrhea. We are so frustrated!

some children see that BM as a body part. It's as if an arm fell off and is being flushed away. Maybe that is frightening him. Or maybe he is afraid he will fall in the toilet. It is hard to know what is going on in his little head. I think the best way to help is to be encouraging, but not in a hurry. I'd go the positive route and offer him some incentives for his successes. Promise to play a favorite game after a success, or try a sticker chart. Plan something special as a reward........just be sure you give some sort of immediate gratification too! Also, if you haven't already, bring him in the bathroom with you and let him see all goes well!

at 4.5, i'd be making him clean himself AND his underwear up. and i certainly wouldn't give him a pull up!!!! have him sit on the toilet and read books, etc. to try to relax him. also, talk to your pedi and see what they recommend.

Mine did the same thing. We came up with the theory that boys could always see where the pee was going so dropping something from their body into the great unknown abyss backwards apparently was terrifying! He would ask for a pull up and go in that but we were at our wits end. A friend of ours said he was dealing with the same thing and finally in an exasperated un-parental un-PC moment told his sone that he was just "sick and tired of wiping his butt and to do it himself". I'm embarrassed to tell you that we tried this exact strategy and it worked. I dont' know why, it just did. The only relapses we had were a few weeks after a bout of pinworms (gross!). Other than that, our exasperation was the motivator. J.

I would have him walk around without anything. He will have to go eventually. It worked with my son. You will have to hide all underwear and pull-ups because he will look for something to put on.

I potty trained in the daycare setting for years so I hope you will value my advice.

This first idea is something I only did with my own boys. Try just taking his bottoms OFF completely when you get home. He understands that he has to go to the potty to pee, so he should understand that poop does not go on the floor either. Just as insistant as HE is that he will not go on the potty: YOU insist that he is not allowed to put on a pull up OR underwear until he has done his business in the potty. If he is able to prevent himself from going at day care, he is definately able to "control" it.

I have 2 other suggestions for you in regard to pooping in the potty (this was copied and pasted from another post I responded to recently so please change the gender to boy):

1. Put a TV tray in the bathroom for her to have a surface to do activities in the bathroom. It can help her to relax if she is not just "thinking about it". Have coloring books and crayons handy (also, puzzles, books, etc. that can be done on the small table). This way she may sit longer too. Set a timer for about 15 or 20 minutes and tell her that when the timer goes off she can get up, but she can "play" there until then. Take the timer out of her sight so she is not compelled to look at it (if it doesn't beep when you push the buttons, you may want to add a couple of minutes when she isn't looking if she is sitting well).

2. Do you have a potty training doll?

I used to use it to show the kids how to poop. Get some tootsie rolls (without her knowing you have them or it will ruin it). Hold the doll over the toilet. Without your daughter realizing it, drop a few tootsie rolls into the toilet behind the doll. Get excited when you hear it drop into the water. Get her to look and see that the doll has gone poop.

It may or may not work, but it is definately worth a try.

I know this may sound "gross", but since kids learn by example you may even want to allow her to be in the room when you go (once or twice) maybe while she is in the bath (so she won't leave the room). Just a thought. I had my husband show our boys how to pee, but it may work for poop too. Shrug.

Good luck!

P. <><

None of these address the issue of just getting him to the potty. I have a friend whose 4 1/2 year old was frightened at age 2 by the sound of a commercial potty (he was standing right next to it when it flushed) and it terrified him so much that he won't even stand next to it, even now. Perhaps the suggestion about the tv tray filled with special potty time activities; cars, stamp pad with stamps, etc.

You've indicated the issue is a BM, that's fairly normal. (delayed training for BM) Taking time away from playing seems silly when you could just poop in a pull up and go on. (When its not 105 degrees outside) Put a long t-shirt on him and let him spend the next few days naked (outside) without pants to catch the poo. See what he does. In my friends case he did come to her to request a pull up so he could have a BM and she granted his request; now they have to break this routine.

Stop the shame - especially if its coming from Dad. The consequences of shaming are long term. Focus on areas where he IS meeting your expectations turn your attention elsewhere.

Let us all know how it works out. There are obviously many who are dealing with the same issue.

I really don't have any advice, but I wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone. My older son did not PT until he was 4yrs 3 months. He wouldn't even attempt either BM or otherwise!! I must admit, it was both frustrating and embarrassing, but honestly, the more we pushed the more he pushed back.

Near the end of his school year (MDO) that year I let him know that we would be working on PT'ing. We talked about it, but did not practice it in this time period. When the day came (the day after MDO was done) he did it all perfectly with no accidents!! Sometimes I think that he was waiting until he got away from MDO to do it (one teacher pushed hard to the point that she was mean).

Try not to let it get to you, I know it's hard, especially when other moms don't get it. You might try letting up on him for a while and trying again. Also, have you tried MiraLax? My doctor said that it's just a stool softener that makes it where they can't hold it very long. Also, if he's had pain with BM in the past, it helps with that and makes it more comfortable. We had to do this with our son when he was 5 b/c he would hold it all day and then it would hurt by the time he had to go. Then he held it more b/c he thought it would hurt - I think you get the picture. Anyway, it helped him get through that period.

Good luck to you and hand in there!!

Does he have painful movements is why he is scared, if so a bowle softner, not laxitive will help. Also try reading to him or have him read or color while on the pot, supposidly to pee, and have it around the time you think he may have go big, ane he may (accidently) go while being interested in the book, and then see that it wasn't anything to be scared of. Also ask him if there is a reason he is scared, he may be able to tell you something that scared him.

I am going through the same exact thing. Our pediatrician has recommended that when he has to go put a diaper on him and let him sit on the potty with the diaper on. And then a month or so later remove the diaper and hopefully he'll sit on the potty without the diaper. So far we have not been successful with this though because I can't get him to sit on the potty - he wants to stand and do his business. Good luck.

Yeah, 4 1/2 is a lottle old in my opinion to be having such issues. I'd talk to your pediatrician about it and maybe just have him sit there at his normal time to "go" or once he asks for a pull-up.

Maybe it really does hurt; or perhaps it hurt at some time and now he has a psychological problem about going poopy. My daughter had that problem and it led to a long term nightmare with constipation due to a blockage. Our pediatrician, after a number of visits and discussions and pleading on my part, suggested that we would need to use Miralax for a long time to make it easier to go poopy and to reverse the habit of holding it. You should talk to your pediatrician about whether Miralax would be a good idea for your son. After dealing with that issue, consider this kind of reward: I took my daughters to WalMart and let them pick out a very special toy; they picked out CareBears. I bought them and explained to the girls that this was a "poopy bear." If the girl can go poopy in the potty, she gets to play with the bear, if she does not go poopy in the potty, the bear goes in the closet until she goes poopy in the potty again. No discipline, no negative comments; it's just the nature of the bear, can't help it, has to be that way. My girls stepped up to the challenge and worked really hard because they wanted to 'win" that bear. Had a rew relapses, so the bear had to go back in the closet, but I assured them they would be able to get it back by going in the potty; then they would be so proud when they were successful and got the bear back. Give it a try, but first get him to where he is not scared to go poopy in the potty. Good luck to you, I know this is very hard. But believe me, the nightmare that comes from the long-term effects of holding in the poopy is horrid. Hurt her so much and caused terrible rashes to the point that she screamed if we tried to clean it up. This went on for months- about 5 or 6 months, before we discovered the problem. So I hope you will make your pediatrician discuss this with you soon and avoid that horrid nightmare.

Hi W.,

We had the same problem with our son. He was afraid to sit on the potty to poop. When he needed to poop he would go behind a chair for privacy. My daughter came up with this one. We put a pull-up in the port-a-potty, we ripped the edges to fit. We did this a few times to show him there was nothing to be scared of. It worked, it could be that it was big sister's idea.

If he is 4 you can talk to him about what is bothering him while he is on the little potty. Is it the water in the toilet, feeling like he might fall in, not wanting to stop playing. Just let him know other little ones have had trouble too and you want to help him. You never know what those little minds are thinking.

Good Luck.