K.L.
I have had to distance myself and draw clear boundaries with relatives, some of whom live only a few miles away from me. I have learned to do this respectfully -- that means respecting them and respecting myself. There may be many possible solutions other than the two options you suggest -- living separately from your husband or living in a war zone.
The first thing you might want to do is realize that you need to be able to tell your husband what you need and ask him what he needs. If his mother is aging and he needs to be near her to help care for her, this is no small issue for him and he should not have to choose between his duties to his mother and to his wife and child. We made sacrifices to care for my in-laws, and I had a father-in-law that presented me with many challenges. He would spout ugly racist and sexist remarks that I did not want my child to hear, etc. Nonetheless, he needed our help and it was our responsibility. So, I took the challenge and learned how to moderate situations rather than avoid them. Whenever my father-in-law would say something ugly, I would look him in the eye and say, "If I thought you meant that, that would hurt my feelings." He really didn't want to hurt anyone. He was just full of bitterness and saying those things was his way of venting. I only had to say that to him twice and he stopped saying those things in front of us.
Although it is good to build respect with everyone, it isn't always in your hands to educate others, especially not parents. The important thing is that you need to be honest with yourself about your own feelings and your husband's feelings. You need to respect yourself and you and your husband need to respect each other. If you care about each other, you can make this decision together, face challenges together, and become closer in the process. It isn't fair or helpful for either of you to be demanding. Together you can make decisions that meet everyone's needs.
Maybe you can live in Florida and still draw clear and respectful boundaries. If you and your husband take a good, loving look at the whole picture, take the time to really understand each other's feelings and needs, you will find your way through it. Life will present you with many challenges. Get in the habit of allowing challenges to bring you together rather than rip you apart.
I only saw one other post. I really don't recommend that you respond demandingly and toss him these responses as evidence against him. It might be helpful to print out ideas that you think might be helpful for both of you to consider... together! I hope you get more helpful ideas.
If you are feeling too vulnerable to your mother-in-laws lack of respect or manipulative manners, think about why. No one is the perfect mother. We all learn as we go. You have the right to learn as you go, too. If you are confident, she cannot destroy you too easily. Just as I found a way to respectfully address issues with my father-in-law, you may learn ones that work with your mother-in-law. There are many people who stick there nose where it doesn't belong. When someone does that, you can always say, "I think I understand your point. You might be right. I'll have to think about it." There are many ways, like this one, to diffuse situations with confrontational and manipulative people. You don't have to feel powerless in those situations.
Looking back over my life, there were times when it was best to distance myself because behaviors were too outrageous and people were really being hurt. But, I learned much and gained much confidence by facing challenges and learning new skills from them whenever I could.
One warning I try to give to people who challenged/gifted with both parents and children needing them: When trying to decide how to care for your parents, remember that your children are watching you and learning how to treat you when you are the grandparent. Once I learned to look at the situations in that light, it became easy to set the example of the sort of patience, care, tenderness, and understanding I would like to receive, and, to not cave in to selfish manipulations and outrageous behaviors just because they were our parents. I would not want my son to let himself be manipulated, nor would I want him to be neglectful. So, I set the best example I could with our parents. The biggest challenge we faced was not my in-laws, it was my own mother. Together we mishandled, learned, and improved how we handled it all. We are much stronger because of it.
