Partner Is 44 and I Want Another Child - Advice?

As a single mom who has been looking for love for 6 years now-- I cannot imagine giving up a wonderful man that I love for the unknown chance of finding someone else and possibly having another child! I totally understand because that was my intention when I split from my daughters' father but life just doesn't always happen exactly how you plan it. Good luck to you!

Why? If you love the man, he has kids you have a child of your own, is it more important to you just to carry a child in your body? My suggestion is if you love him, stay, get married and let nature take it course. Or leave if you simply want to become pregnant, pack your things and go. You find someone else and let him get on with his life.

Blessings.....

First of all, nothing is predictable. Your man could be 34 or 24 and you could discover that he is infertile, or that you are. Cuz, yes that happens even after having one child.

Has he had the vasectomy reversal? If not, this would be the biggest hurdle, IMO. Not all vasectomies even have a chance of being reversed, depending on when he had it and what method they used.

His age is not a big factor, really. My husband was 48 when our daughter was born (I was 41).

It sounds like you need to be sure you want to spend your life with this man, with or without another baby. That is a secondary question.

He has valid concerns.
You do too.

Then there is, what about "custody?"
There are many kinds of 'child custody.' So research it.

Do you want another child, from him? Or from whomever? Meaning, is it just your biological clock, or you wanting a child with HIM? Only?

So discern that.

My friend and her husband, had a child when they were 46. But, by In-Vitro. It took several tries. But they now have their son, who is 5 years old.
There was also the concern about genetic problems. Of which, men and their age, can contribute to that.

Then, do you or he, have a solid retirement plan? MANY people, have to continue working way past retirement age nowadays. Despite the age of their children. This takes planning.

Then, will you both get married or not?
If not, then what if your relationship does not last? Then what?
That can happen with or without marriage.

The bottom-line is also: IS this the Man... you want to be with no matter what? IS he, a keeper? Or not?

It also seems, that you want to actually have a baby, and be pregnant. So, Adoption is not an option for you as you said.
But if you really want a child, with this man, then it should not matter. The point being, raising a child/a baby, even if adopted, as your/his child.

So it seems, you want to be pregnant. Not only having another child.
And how you will feel complete, if that does not happen.

Perhaps you can both share your concerns with a marriage counselor, just so you can have an impartial person to hear both sides. Have you talked about what each of your responsibilities will be with the child? Meaning, will you be taking on the responsibility of all care for the baby, and he will work to provide money? Will he help you with nighttime feedings, etc.? It seems to me that the two of you need to talk about who would do what if this baby were to become a reality. What will happen if you do get married, and birth control fails, and the pregnancy is unplanned? Maybe a "Deal" of sorts can be reached - he will work until child is X years old, and you will be the main caregiver, for example. If the two of you cannot come to a compromise together, then perhaps marriage should not happen. I hope this helps.

I think you need to spend more time exploring the abstract concept that you want to physically carry another child. Why is that so important? He has valid concerns and from what you have written, your reason for wanting more than 2 biological children pales in comparison. You are asking him to essentially raise at least 3 more children beginning at midlife when he has already raised 2. That is a huge burden for anyone, especially someone who is not wealthy. If you have so much vested is carrying children then perhaps you should let him move on and life his life with someone else and you do the same.

"If I didn't want more children, there is no question we would get married. But it is impossible to know what the future will bring."

I guess I'm not understanding why you wanting more children would keep you from getting married. But, lets assume you two got married and did have more children. His age means absolutlely nothing. I'm not sure why so many people put an emphasis on age and being able to be a good father.

My husband was 49 when we married and he was 52 when our 1st was born, 56 when our 2nd was born and he'll be 57 when our third is born. HE still wants to have more kids and is an AMAZING father! He gets down on the ground and rolls around and plays with the boys and does everything a 30 yo father would do (even better I think!). So age has nothing to do with anything, it's all up in your head and what you want to allow your head to think up.

Our daughter was born when my DH was older than that. He is a great father and I had no children. I think you should keep talking about it.

So - if I follow you, child #1 didn't = marriage, but not wanting child #2 would. Does this mean...you might both move on so you could have child #2?

What do you want MOST? Marriage? Another child? Marriage and another child? How about him?

I don't understand what his "obvious reasons" are. Maybe I'm missing something. I am 46 - I have a 6 yo, a 2 yo, and 1 yo (who is still nursing). #2 was adopted and it's not necessarily an easy or quick process (not usually, actually). I am the working parent in my family. I am tired, but it's okay. I am saving for my kids, so I don't have to worry so much about retirement (meaning, they get savings accounts EARLY). They may have to help put themselves through college (I put myself through) but they won't go hungry...

Anyway - I think ALL THREE of them are totally worth it.

I was pregnant with son 1 when I married his Dad. I am glad I did. But I'll admit, we were "winging it". I wish I had been willing to marry him RIGHT AWAY when he asked, because then MIL wouldn't think I "trapped" him, but that's neither here nor there.

Sorry to ramble....

I don't quite get what his issues are, and I am not sure I follow the rest....

In any event, do what your HEART tells you. Best of luck to you.

Oh brother, my guy is 55 and would LOVE to have another baby. 'Cept I got my tubes tied after my third, so, yeah......

If you are looking for a young man who wants to start a new family.....

Otherwise, why not enjoy him, his kids, your kids, any dogs cats or other dependents, entertain the possibility of adopting....

:)

44 isn't old to me. If he takes care of himself, energy shouldn't be a problem either......finances and all the other stuff is really up to you. Good luck with your decision.

I agree with the idea of a counselor to sort through these issues.

Also, what is the "success" rate for reversed vasectomies? He may go through all that and it still won't happen. What then?

I understand wanting another baby - have been in the same place.

Good luck and hope it all works out.

I don't see the problem--he is "open" to O. more....you already have 3 between you.....
I don't think his age would be a concern, but finances might. If the vas can be reversed, go for it.

I don't really understand the problem. You said you both want more child(ren). Then you say you won't feel fulfilled if you only have one more. Well, if you decide not to have any more, you know you won't feel fulfilled because apparently you don't feel fulfilled now with the one child and two stepchildren you already have. As for feeling resentment, that makes no sense to me either. You said your husband had already considered having more children before you met so it sounds like to me, he wants another. I'm sure he's thought about having to delay retirement if you do have another, so I don't think I'd worry too much about that. and why you would feel resentment if you only have one more child, is a mystery to me. Actually, your whole post is a mystery.

What I'm not seeing in your post is anything that says you love each other or are willing to be committed to each other. It's good to be communicating each of your desires regarding more children, but if you aren't in love and committed to being with each other, what's the point of even discussing more children?
Having said that, and assuming that the love and commitment are there, I am wondering why him being 44 is such a big issue. Perhaps at this stage of life that seems rather old to both of you, but it really isn't. Many women have given birth at that age and done fine with raising their so called "late life" children. For a man to be that age and father another child isn't that big a deal. The reverse vasectomy issue might be more problematic, and that's something I know little about. You should consult with his doctor on that matter before making a decision.