At the End of My Rope with Tantrums

I feel for you! My kids sometimes drives me nuts. other peoples kids are wonderful just my own.

first find a babysiter, mothers day out, some way to get away from kids.
then magic 123 google it its great!

She seems to have trouble with 'transitions' and 'transitioning.'

Since you KNOW, what she wants/needs, when going to bed... then BEFORE it is actual bedtime... make it a part of the routine, that she get ALL her things ready and with her, BEFORE bed. So, incorporate that into the timing of things, too. Then it won't be so long and drawn out. Longer.
TELL her, what the "routine" is.... wind-down, brush teeth, change into jammies, get her things to put in her bed, get her a sippy of water to keep in bed with her etc.
ALSO, write it down simply, and put it on the wall. This is another 'tool' to enforce things and so she can 'know' what to do etc.

Tell her she only gets 2 choices of things.
That's it.
Then beyond that, too bad.

She screamed for 3 hours. This time.
If you are consistent, then it should get shorter.
A child, WILL deflate on their own. So let her. Don't respond to her in an emotional or stressed way. Just keep repeating how it is. Calmly. Then, if she needs help, she needs to POLITELY ask. And help her. Or, just let her calm down, on her own.
Rules.

Also, try the "Redo" technique. For every thing that she does 'wrongly' or in a tantrum-y way... tell her "Redo that." Meaning, give her a chance first, to redo that 'mistake'.... in a better way. Or give her ideas on how to do it, in another way. (there are many ways to do something), so she learns "coping-skills' and "problem-solving." Thereby, learning self-reliance. Hopefully.

Also teach her HOW to communicate and the words to use, and the names for her feelings. 3 years old, don't automatically know that. So practice with her and role-play. When she is in a good mood. Practice.

Does she even know the words, for her feelings?
If not, teach her. So she can then communicate that and get better at it.

My kids, have a routine for going to bed. They too, like certain things in bed with them. I know that. They know that. Many kids are that way. So... let her, get her things ready for bed. BEFOREHAND. Not 'at' bedtime, but before bedtime, during the getting-ready-for-bed routine. So you/she does not waste time and nerves get irked.

Prep her, beforehand for things that are coming up.
Get things ready, before that timing.
Allow time for her to get it together.
Verbally transition her to things. To help her transition.
ie: instead of saying "bed time now." Say "In 15 minutes, we have to start, getting ready for bed..... so, after you play for 10 minutes, we put away, and get ready..." Use transitioning, sentences. Which also gives the child a 'heads-up' to things.... Some kids need that.
Some kids, simply do not like being 'rushed'....

And, since you come home from work, maybe she just needs time to deflate with you and have time with you... instead of the 'rushing' to get things done at night.
Teach her, 'taking turns' too. Mommy comes home, puts way, changes clothes, gets dinner ready. Then you can help me, and then its your turn, to do something with me... etc.

all the best,
Susan

You already know what you need to do and it sounds like you are taking steps towards doing it, so the only thing I will say to you is this:

When you are trying to change a person's behavior, remember that if it took her 3 years to learn these behaviors (yes, they are learned) be prepared for it to take a long time for her to learn new behaviors- months of consistency.

Also remember that behaviors get much worse before they get better and that "intermitent reinforcement" (once-in-a-while) is the most powerful kind of reinforcement b/c you don't know when you'll get your way so you just keep trying. What that means is... she's going to ramp it up (3 hours of screaming) before she gets the message that her behavior won't be tolerated and it only takes 1 "slip up"- like letting her get out of bed b/c she's upset- to start the whole thing over again.

Good luck- preschoolers are notoriously head-strong!

Ignore her. I find that with my 3.5 year old DD, that ends the tantrums quicker. She sounds much like your daughter but we do not give in. In fact, if she is too defiant, we take things away (like her princess barbies for a day or two, her Leapster, or any TV time -- which is limited anyway). When she screams or whines, we never give her what she wants. She has to talk in normal tones and be polite to get anything. Yes, we have our times (like the 45 minute tantrum the other day because I lost my cool and started yelling back and/or giving in to her) but we try to keep those to a minimum. She is ruling the household mama...the most important thing is to be consistent and NOT give in (I know, it is harder and it sucks...but in the long run, you are MUCH better off!).

FTWM to DD (3.5), DS (2) and baby on the way.

I think we all have kids with the POTENTIAL to be just like that.
Give her a choice "Julie, go put on tights or we are not going to lunch. You have 5 minutes." Set the timer. If, in 5 min, the tights are not on. No lunch out.

DID you go out? I hope not.

It will become easier each time.

Bedtime. Address every issue--give her a sippy with water, animal of choice in place, take her to pee before she goes into bed. Then LIGHTS out and tell her she is not to come out of that room. Tell her you will check on her before you go to bed.

Stand strong. Make your rules and then enforce them and yes...it may take HOURS the first night or two but every time you cave, she's seeing that there's wiggle room in the rules.

Good luck!

Tantrums are awful. My son started going through them right after he turned two. I found a few things that work well for us. The things that has worked the BEST is a timer. I have a timer on my phone. When it's time for bed, or something else that I know he might put up a fight for, I tell him I'm putting the timer on and he has five minutes to play. At first, he still put up a fight. But after a few nights, it worked wonderfully. Now, each night when the timer goes off for his bath, or bedtime, he gathers up his things and comes into the room with me....even saying "No more play time, goodnight". Without a fight.

The other thing that works well for me....and sometimes I don't feel like doing this but I have to admit it works great. I play with my son to get him to cooperate. Like, sing to get him to brush his teeth. Or tickle him until he lets me change his diaper. It's a lot more fun and why be frustrated when you can have fun instead? Sometimes, when Daddy is home, we will try and race him to get dressed and see who comes in first. Sometimes I think, hey, he should just listen and do what I say, but he's a toddler. That's the way it is.

Just try giving her lots of warnings, and you'll find out what works best. Give her choices if you can live with them. And, why not let her go without leggings one day (when it's a tiny bit warmer)? She'll see that it's so cold outside and that she should have listened to mommy. Put the leggings in your purse and if she complains about being cold, you can say "don't you wish you had listened to mommy and put on your stockings"? Then you can remind her of the scenario next time she puts up a struggle! That worked for me when my son went through a "I don't want to wear my jacket" phase.

Hope this helps! Good luck :)

Yes, I can relate.... my best advice is ONLY say what you really mean, and what you will REALLY do.
I say, who cares if her legs are cold? I mean if you know that she is that strong willed, and a conflict is going to happen over wearing tights then save your energy for the bedtime fight and when she says her legs are cold, just calmly (not sarcastically) say "next time, maybe tights or leggings would help" .... that is not to say that she is in charge, but I think if I am going to fight with my kid, then I am going to have to win. My 5yo daughter is always hot, really, she runs a lot warmer than I do, so if I insist that she wears tights, she is going to be uncomfortable. Can she play outside with bare legs....no, absolutely not, but then I just give a really clear option - we can go outside (assuming that is what she is wanting to do) and play if you put on the appropriate clothes if not, we could play a game inside? Natural consequences as much as possible.... make her make the choice that will get her what she wants, while staying within the limits that you set. Don't be nasty, or demeaning, just give 2 choices that are both an outcome that you are happy with. Be empathetic to her bad choice (genuinely) "im sorry that you are upset, but..."
I also, always stress rspect... "you can tell me anything, as long as you say it in a respectful way" - "if you are going to scream at me, I will not even discuss it with you".
My husband and I went to a parenting course for our 'strong willed child' and they (and I) recommend only positive reinforcement. We do a 'marble jar'.... anything that mommy 'catches' as good behavior gets a marble (or 2) and once your jar is filled up you get XYZ (whatever matters to the child). Be generous with them at first. If you have an older child they can have chores linked up to them too. Good bedtime behavior gets 10 marbles!! or "i saw that you listened the first time i asked you to XYZ and that is what mommy expects, so you get 2 marbles in your jar" .... sometimes I announce "IT'S DOUBLE MARBLE DAY!!!" They get so excited, its funny. :)

For our child, no amount of the IRON FIST would change him. That approach doesn't work for every child, no matter what other mom's say.

The other thing that parenting course taught us was that spending just 10 minutes of one on one attention with your little 'challenge' can help, and it did. Honestly.

message me if i can offer any other insight into the marble jar.....it is heaven sent in my house!

Good luck!

I think the key in this situation is two-fold. One - don't be so h*** o* yourself... Two- "baby steps". Don't go to extremes too fast with her. Start with things that she you really don't want to give in on anymore - communicate that those new rules will be in place to her AND what the consequences will be. Also, go out of your way to look for and find examples of the times she does what she's told or what you want her to (good behavior) and praise her for it. The Love and Logic books are great. Also liked "How to talk to your Kids so your Kids will Listen" (forget the author). My daughter is VERY strong willed so I can relate a little to how hard, exhuasting and infuriating it can be. Hang in there and keep at it.

I call this the "slot machine" syndrome. Intermittent reinforcement is the most strong, meaning that when a child doesn't know how long it will take or how long their negative behavior will need to continue until a parent gives in and lets them have their way (like a gambler doesn't know how many pulls of the lever until a jackpot comes) their behavior becomes more entrenched. Don't be a slot machine. You have to withdraw into yourself when the screaming fits start and not engage her or give in. You have to win the battle so she knows the slot machine is closed! You will not give her the jackpot no matter how many times she screams or hits etc. That is the only way that she will relearn that her inappropriate behaviors do not have the positive consequence of her getting her own way.

I have a 3 year old too - I know the struggles with tantrums!

And one thing that is sure to tick me off is when he refuses to wear something I've laid out for him, whether it's "button pants", a jacket, shoes, whatever. So you know what, I tell him that boys who do not get dressed and stay in their jammies have to go back to bed. Period. You will stay home, in your bedroom with the door shut. Even if this means I have to sacrifice going somewhere that I want to go. And I stick to it. Well I've only ever had to stick to this once....because now he knows I mean business and there might be some grumbling or brief tears, but he gets dressed.

Consistency is KEY. Don't give in! FIght the battle and let them know that there are rules to be followed, and what mommy says goes. Just keep enforcing this and she will learn. Of course it will never be perfect with a strong-willed child, but it sounds like you can make some major improvements!

Good luck :)

K

Of course my kids could be just like yours......but I am so not that patient to put up with any of it. So send me hate mail if you all want, but I'm a big believer in a firm swat on the tush to reset their attitudes. I only had to do that a few times when they were toddler's and it stopped that nonsense, out of control right away. They knew Mommy was in charge and meant business, and they were going along with the program NOW.

Lots of great advise about instilling some new changes below. So Good Luck - you're not alone with strong willed children who need to have clear boundaries and expectations, especially about transitions to leaving the house and going to bed on time.

Yep, I have a daughter who can be like that. She is 9 now, and we are in a much better place that when she was 4-6. My daughter is notorious for being warm blooded, and not wanting the amount of clothing on her I think would be warm enough. On this, I decided not to make it a battle. I tell her the weather, or she sometimes opens the door and "checks" and she makes the decision on how much to wear. Her teachers just get used to her wearing crocs and no socks in class all winter long. The kid just hates socks. I also believe she has sensory issues. I've just decided I can decide to accept that, and we are all much happier for it. She has only learned by experiencing being too cold for herself to make a different choice the next time. But the point is, SHE wants to make the decision. So I let her do it, and experience what it is like to make a poor decision for herself. You have to be willing to let them suffer a little discomfort. You can DECIDE this is one are you do not have to 100% control. I know 20 degrees must seem frigid in Texas. Here is Minnesota we would consider all skin should be covered from house to car to restaurant only if it was more like 20 below! Point is, unless you were planning to be outside for an extended length of time, she may be uncomfortable, but not facing any danger of frostbite, so that is one I would probably let go.

On bedtime, that IS one area I would have stricter rules for. I would stop laying with her cold turkey. Your first night or 2 or 3 will be AWFUL! But don't give in!! I have a friend whose husband has to lay with their 9 year old son for hours, and he pretty much just sleeps in his bed. Do you really want to do that for the next 6+ years? The SuperNanny method does work, if you fully commit to it. One thing that helps my daughter who likes to "be in control" of her own decisions is that we enforce bedtime, but she has a little side reading lamp that she gets to keep on for as long as she wants. We call it "resting and reading" time. She does not have to sleep. Because really, you cannot force someone to sleep. But at bedtime, she has to stay in her bed for "resting and reading" time. She can get out only to go a few steps to her bookshelf and exchange books. No toys or writing things are allowed, just books. It doesn't take long for her to either turn off her light, or when I check on her she is asleep and I turn it off. I know 3 is young for reading, but she can still look at picture books. She may be up a little later than you want, but she won't be disrupting other members of the family either.

I think it helped with DS at that age to try to focus on the big picture.

1. She is a toddler - she lives in a frustrating world where she has very little power. She needs better tools to get what she wants/needs. My job is to give her those tools.

2. Assume positive intent - she is doing the best she can for who she is right now. She is not trying to make your life miserable, she is trying the best she can.

3. Avoid battles when at all possible. The goal is not to win (and for her to lose). The short term goal is to get dressed, brush teeth, clean up, etc. The long term goal is to raise a thinking, reasoning, questioning, empathetic and compassionate human being (I try to take a second and think this before engaging in some completely dumb encounter that I can't win anyway).

There are usually better ways to get these things done.
Things that helped me -

make it a game - I bet you can't get dressed before I count to 10.

Give 2 positive choices - do you want to put your coat on first or your tights.

Give time warnings - we are going to need to get dressed in 5 minutes. then again at 1 minute.

Get down at her level, look at her and make sure she is hearing you.

Make sure she is not tired or hungry before attempting anything at all difficult.

Be open to original solutions. One here would be going without tights. (bring them with you). If she is cold, she will likely ask for them.

Decide what is non-negotiable, what is negotiable and what doesn't really matter to you. For me non-negotiable was safety (and spitting, can't handle that). What didn't matter was things like - I say, DS it's time to put on your shoes, here are the red ones - he says I don't want the red ones (clearly this situation could deteriorate). I say, ok pick which ones you want and let's put them on together. Things that were negotiable - I need to do laundry, DS needs to play lego (with me) - I say - DS, I need to do laundry and you need me to help with lego - how can we do both? He might pick we do lego first, he might decide he can play lego outside the laundry room - empowering to him and no one loses.

I do wonder how many children die in fires because they are locked in their rooms. And how many learn that no one is there to care when they have nightmares or are sick.

My son had tantrums, and that was his main issue. When he was under three, time outs were not an option. I don't think he got the concept, and a close friend who is a behavioral therapist agreed it's a toss up for kids under 3. We did something unusual that did help. We constantly reinforced that the screaming tantrums were not ok. He was allowed to express himself with words, and crying was ok if he was sad. Screaming tantrum behavior (spelled out specifically) is never acceptable. We constantly reminded him. We put a huge dry erase board in the family room (the main room we spend time in) and called it the tantrum board. We put big angry mad faces on it every time he had a tantrum. We made a BIG deal about how bad it was to have all those mean, angry mad faces looking at him! How naughty to have so many mad faces for tantrums. Anyone coming over (grandmas and such) would sorrowfully say oh my, look at all those mad faces - someones been have temper tantrums, tsk-tsk. It's suprisingly effective. They hate those mad faces! Of course it has it's limitations. For instance, you must be at home and preferably in the family room for maximum effect. I would suggest starting it when you know you will mostly be at home for a few days. I think it helps some kids to have a visual record of their behavior issues, and it helps to see the visual evidence of positive change, too. You can give happy faces when things turn around. The first week we let the mad faces add up each day. When he started paying attention to it and really trying, we erased any mad faces at night and started fresh each day.

This is not an exact science, and we made it up. It worked in our house, at least to bring about some immediate improvement. We use the traditional time-out method now that he's almost five. It works just fine, but was nothing but a dramatic waste of time back then. Good luck with whatever you try!

Oh, and when the tantrum behavior would start to surface, I would always remind him that I was going to have to give him a mad face if he had a tantrum. I would say it in an appologetic tone, like it's not my choice to deliver this terrible consequence! This isn't something I'm doing to you, you are in charge of getting the mad faces.

Okay, the screaming for 3 hours about leggings. My son does the same thing, and is about the same age as your daughter. He hates clothes. So, I ope the door and show him how cold it is outside, he feels it's freezing and he agrees to get dressed.

Really, if you just put the clothes on her and strap her in the carseat, likely she will calm down. If you need too, take off the dress and put her in pants in a sweater. She needs to know she has to compromise and if she doesn't she loses her choice.

As for the bedroom thing, we actually out a lock on the door and leave it locked so the boys can't come running out all night (literally it will be midnight and they will still be fighting us if we didnt'). Once they calm down, we unlock the door. They know if they are okay though and stay in the rooms, they can leave the door open a bit. Really, we are just teaching them consequences for their defiance.

I think Dr. Sears expert advice on discipline and behavior issues will really help you:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

here is specific advice on tantrums:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063300.asp

LOL My daughter is also Julia! All I can tell you is that 3 is definitely the age at which tantrums peak! You do need to stick to your guns about the measure you take to discipline. The main reason she carries on like that is because she knows that you will cave in. Follow through with putting her in her room when the tantrums happen. If necessary close the door and hold it shut so she can't come out. Make sure the room is lit so she doesn't become fearful. At night same thing and make sure there are lights on. Keep checking on her but do not let her leave her room.

You also need to learn to pick your battles. She should feel empowered to help make the decisions/choices where possible.

I didn't read all the responses so hopefully I'm not repeating anybody. BUT, I have a Julia, too. Actually, it's funny, I have a 3 yr old named Julia but it is my 8 yr old that took me down the same path as your Julia :-). 3 is hard anyway, but when you have a strong-willed child it's almost impossible! So, give yourself a break and then start giving Julia choices in everything you can. And I read one post who said her choice should be "put on the tights or we're not going out". That's all well and good but doesn't give her the sense of control. Before you even start anything give her a choice - would you like to wear the dress and the tights or the pants and sweater? Would you like your milk in the blue cup or red cup? Or would you like milk or juice in your sippy cup? YOU control the important aspect but give her a choice up front, not after the battle has started. It's hard at first but keep practicing and giving choices becomes 2nd nature to you.

Also, with bedtime we had some major issues so I feel your pain. I started giving her tickets (started out with 7 or 8 and worked down to 3, then eventually we didn't need them anymore). You ask her to go potty and get her stuffed animals ahead of time, then give her the tickets when she gets in bed. Every time she gets up she has to use a ticket - whether for a drink, potty, to tell you something, whatever. She can't get up after her tickets are gone or she gets in trouble (taking away something special worked best for us). Then, we let her earn rewards with unused tickets. That gives her the option to get out of bed several times if she wants, but it also gives her incentive to stay in bed. (one or two tickets was something small, if she didn't use any tickets it was a big reward).

Feel free to message me if you want more details or anything. Been there, done that and survived to having a strong-willed but managable 8 year old. Like I said above, the most important thing is to give them choices in whatever you can so you can control the other things - oh, and of course, pick your battles (sometimes easier said than done). Good luck!

Put a lock on her door and lock her in, I have heard of this before (thankfully never needed it, but should work just fine. Her room is a safe zone, so there is no threat to her (use your old monitor with a screen if you fear). And just explain to her why you are locking the door, "You are in Time-out/Cool-off, and that means staying in your room."

Bedtime for my daughter would prob be this bad, if we hadn't taken action front the get go, as she was just like this. We have a set routine with limits, i.e.: Kisses from all, then PJs and diaper change, brush teeth, TWO books, a sip of water, ONE song and that is it. Sometimes she still cries, but not usually.

It will be vry hard to start over now, but you CAN do it! If you use the lock, I think you can get on track faster. Good Luck!

You mentioned a few times in your post that it was "easier" to just give in to her. Apparently not, huh? =)

Try to keep the big picture in mind - every situation is an investment in her perception of what an acceptable dynamic is. If she always gets her way, she will continue to behave as she has been bc there is no good reason to stop.

I like SuperNanny, but I also love Dr. Kevin Lehman's Have a New Kid by Friday - esp for emergency cases! HA! Basically, mama, get in the habit of saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Do not engage in debate. Turn around and walk away after giving your answer. Most kids don't throw tantrums when they have no audience. It's time to shift the balance of power and it may be uncomfortable at first, but it WILL be worth it. If you can't get a grip now, the teen years will be a nightmare!!

It's not worth the time/effort it "saves" to be inconsistent! Each time you are, it sends a clear message that you are easily manipulated and will always cave - and makes the overall relationship worse, not better. Love does not mean always giving kids what they want, rather what we know they need. She needs more structure and consistency than this.

GOOD LUCK!!

I had one that sounds exactly like yours. I got a lot of help from DARE TO DISCIPLINE, by Dobson. I think he revised it not too many years ago, too. It's tough to rear a strong-willed child. A friend once told me God chooses special people for children like this. I often wished He didn't think so highly of me!

Do you have any vacation time built up? I wonder if you could take off a Friday and Monday to give yourself a long weekend, then really be firm those four days and deal with the screaming. That may be enough time to at least begin the process of breaking the habit of just giving in to her without having the added stress of needing to get rested for work. Of course you would have to continue being firm after the long weekend, but this might be a good way to kick start the new behaviour.

I wish I did have advice, other than the stick to your guns bit. I have an almost 3 yr old and she is also a screamer. The problem is my husband who is now home with her will give her what she wants. I get home from work and have to deal with the screaming. Sometimes I think I am going to turn the other way when it comes to going home. : )
Lately I have been putting her in the front room while she screams and ignore her. Unfortunately she has to sleep in my room so putting her there is not an option. Sometimes the ignoring bit works, sometimes not so much.

Yesterdays stunt, I would have said "if you don't wear the tights we aren't going out to lunch. Or, (if possible for you) "I will get a babysitter and I'll go to lunch without you." Now get the tights on or we are staying home.

A lock on the outside of her door would be tempting to install, not sure if that's considered okay in this day and age.

Thankfully, I never had a defiant child, and I know they are born that way.

There is a book called the Raising a Defiant Child, I've not read it, nor do I know if it's effective, but it may give you some assistance.

I'm Wishing you the very best.

Honestly, let her scream.

My daughter is not very bad, but every once in a while, she will throw a tantrum. I tell her, it is fine if you want to cry and scream, but you have to do it in your room. Then, I put her in her room. Of course, she would come out if I let her, but I stand on the ohter side of the door and I hold it shut. Every 10 minutes, I open the door and I quietly say, "If you stop screaming, we can do XXX" and then I shut the door. She screams at the top of her lungs. But, it only takes me about three times of opening her door and saying that and she stops on her own.

But trust me, you have to be 100% consistent. NO exceptions. I guess I am the opposite of you. It is NOT easier for me to give in to the screaming and crying. The screaming and crying makes me furious and I WILL NOT give in to it. THEY are going to their room if they do this. My daughter is now three and she hasn't thrown a fit since she turned 3 (in December). She threw several when she was 2, but I think she is finally starting to understand the rules in the house. My son is 7 and has not been punished for anything like that since he was about 2 either.

Good luck!
L.

You have received lots of good suggestions that I'm sure will help you. I wanted to make 1 comment. When my children were young a speaker at a Pre-School group told us to remember that we are not raising a child - we are raising an adult. Our goal is to raise a confident, successful adult. When I would be in conflict with my strong willed child I would think how can I help him learn to use that strength in a positive way. Giving choices worked well for us. Keeping that lecture in mind, helped me keep my responses in line also. They are all adults now and have become the confident, successful people that was our goal. I know these days seem hard but they are so short make the most of each one. Good luck to you.

Dear Rockermom:

There's lots of good advice in these letters, especially about picking your battles and meaning what you say.

My letter is to let you know it does get better! My daughter is now 15, but I had to survive some meltdowns myself. Giving in is the worst thing, so you are going to have to work at it, but you'll all survive.

My daughter didn't do too many tantrums, but she did one monster tantrum in a store because she wanted candy. It was full-blown screaming, refusal to leave the store, laying on the floor tantrum. I stuck to my guns, said no and had to wait fifteen minutes before I had a calm enough child to get out of the store, without the candy, of course. It was embarrassing as hell, but the best thing I could have done. It was the LAST temper tantrum she ever had.

Encourage better communication and choices for your daughter and most importantly, EVERYBODY in the household must be on board and consistent.

Start the rule of polite communication now. It's essential in the teenage years!

L. F., mom of a 15-year-old daughter

I did not read your responses, so I apologize if this is too repetitive. My son is that stubborn and behaved the same way at that age. I never put up with it but he still acted that way because he is that stubborn. Bottom line is, you have to stick to your guns longer. We dealt with these fits off and on from about 18mo until he was 4 1/2 when they started subsiding. The issue would change, it might be about wearing a particular type of clothing for a month, then the next month it might be food, the next month it might be bedtime routine, etc. So that's why we dealt with the issue over a long period of time despite the fact that I never put up with it or gave in. You will be exhausted, you will be frustrated, but after a couple of weeks of learning that this is the it's going to be from now on, I think you'll see some changes. You say she is 3 so she's old enough to understand if you have a conversation with her. I would sit her down and tell her, "I'm tired of the fits and the screaming. I won't put up with it anymore. I'm the mommy, I'm in charge, and what I say goes- period. From now on, you do something I ask the first time. If you throw a fit, you will stay in your room until you're done." Just have a conversation along those lines. Let her know the expectations. Say, at bedtime, this is what we will do, "You will go potty, you will get a drink of water, then I will lie down with you for ___ minutes and we will ____ (read, sing, whatever she likes). After that, I will leave and not come back. If you get up, then ____ will happen (whatever you do for discipline- spanking, lose a toy, lose cartoons the next day, etc.)." Then stick with what you said. It will be exhausting but she will learn and you will regain control. It's so much easier to fight this battle now; otherwise she'll be a teenager and you WON'T be able to get her under control, and the devastating possibilities there are endless. You can do it! Awareness and admitting it is the first step. Good luck!

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You have gotten a lot of good answers, pick and choose what is right for you. I can only tell you what worked for my family, I can't tell you what will work for yours. During the day if my kids do not talk to me nicely, I do not listen or acknowledge them. If they throw a tantrum they stay in their room, even if I have to keep putting them there. Be willing, even in the middle of the grocery store to walk out and leave (screaming kid in tow). Do not think you are the only one to do this, most every mom has been there done that. At night, my kids must get everything done before they get in bed. They have one getting out of bed freebie and that is it. They are allowed to sleep with only 5 things that cannot make noise. After all that, everytime they get out of bed, I take one of their items. It took several weeks, but now both of my children go to bed like little angels! My little girl has thrown tantrums and yes she can scream for hours, but I do not give in. Stay strong and realize anything you change could take 3-4 weeks for your daughter to realize she no longer rules the roost!

my dd is stubborn also and has started the tantrum phase. when she does it, i ignore her and go on about my business. she had a melt down at target yesterday and when we got in the car she just kept screaming and wouldnt let me get her buckled into the car seat. i kept calm and managed to ger her in the seat. drove 20 mins with her screaming at the top of her lungs. told her when we got home she was going in time out for not cooperating with the car seat. went inside and in timeout she went. she is a stubborn one..she thinks that if she screams long enough i will give in and i am just as stubborn as her. she gets it from me and i do not give in. one time it took 45 mins to keep her in timeout for kicking me. she should be in there only 3 minutes but everytime she comes out before the 3 mins are up, we start over and she knows it. i do it the supernanny way. you cant give in. you can try and reason with them, but they dont understand all that language. they learn by action and reaction. unfortunately it will probably take a while to deprogram your daughter. you have to be strong at night. keep putting her back in there without talking or engaging. that is what i had to do for the timeout episode. i would just walk her back and not speak to her. i feel your pain about working full time - i do also and it will be hard, but it is better to break that habit now and let her know that you are in control at that house, not her. good luck!

I have a kid just like this. Behavior really improves around 5 so hang in there. My kid is more resolved than described by others, but here is what helped:
*Give control whenever you can (Like choosing which cup to use etc.), they act like they have a quota to fill. No quota met, no cooperation
*Each D. must have vigorous exercise
*Same time to get up/sleep regardless of quality of previous night (in preschool we would let her sleep 20 more min but once she started kinder we noticed was better not to waiver at all
*We did Ferber during these years, keep leaving at longer intervals (our kid would get sick from lack of sleep instead of giving in)
*Plan for tantrums - I would look forward to them when I had set up the situation for a teaching moment
The other side of the coin of stubbornness is resolute so as kids learn self-control this turns into a great quality!

I did not read the other answers so this may be a repeat but I know that if you continue to let her cry and scream it out the 3 hours will turn into 2 and then 1 and eventually she will get the idea that when you put her to bed you expect her to go to bed.

You are going to have to go through some period of unpleasantness while you DON'T GIVE IN. She is going to keep the screaming, tantrum-throwing, etc. until you give in - because she's learned that you eventually will. BUT DON'T! After a few days, she'll get the message. And you'll take back your life, home, family, etc.

IT WILL BE HARD - DON'T GIVE IN!!!

First, hang in there! This is a tough time. It sounds like you realize you have let this get out of hand, that's fine, but like you said, now you have to do something. So, I suggest picking a day/weekend, etc. and deciding that is when you are going to fight the battle. Know it is a battle that you HAVE to fight and that you will totally commit to for at least a week (maybe more). Start with bedtime if that is your biggest battle and tell her what is going to happen..."I'm going to put you in bed, read you a story, say prayers, and then leave. If you come out of your room, I'm going to bring you back. Do you understand?" At my house, they would get a few chances and then a spanking if they came out again, but each family has to decide that on their own. So, now it's hours and you are sticking to your guns. Yes, it may take HOURS! Then, the next night, it may take hours again...but hopefully, a little bit less...that will probably continue for at least 3 nights, but I bet by night 3 or 4, it's a LOT less...AS LONG AS YOU STICK TO IT!!! So, pick a day and go to battle!

I have seen many good responses that deal with her behavior and I would start them right away. I believe there is another factor in this and that is you. I am writing to empower you. What a woman! Most men will never come across a stronger or more tenacious situation than dealing with a 3 yr old in charge! You may be experiencing some guilt because you work away from home but trust me, stay at home moms deal with this too. You deserve some peace and quiet and to expect a degree of respect and obedience. She really deserves a mom who is in charge when she looses control of her emotions. My oldest son would rule the world if I had not been two steps ahead of him all the time. It's hard work raising a strong willed child but man o man is it rewarding! He may still rule the world but he will respect others (including women) and have kindness and empathy
because I kept enforcing his respect for me and the rules of our family and taught him what God expects from him. I read a lot of books and ask a lot of questions just like you. These kids are smart and you have to anticipate problems and choose your battles. natural consequences are the best teachers for some. In all circumstances YOU know better than her and you are justly in charge. Good luck!