Our Family Seems to Be Very Ostracized at My Children's School. Advice?

E.,

I am sooo sorry! I wish I had a good answer to your problem. The only thing that I would seriously consider is moving away and starting over. Life is too short to be bothered like this F.--especially since there is no way for you to get away from it. The work place people are effecting your life negatively and you have done what you can to make it better. I really would consider moving and or proposing a lawsuit for harassment. So sorry you are dealing with this! Best wishes.

M

I could be wrong, but from the sound of your post, it sounds like you are a federal law enforcement officer, and you are living in an "agent ghetto". My husband is a current FLEO, and I am a former FLEO. All I can say is that gossip in law enforcement is horrible and worse than high school!

When I was working, there was definitely a tendency to ostracize certain agents who were injured. A lot of these agents were people who were already non-performers prior to their injuries, and they were injured for so long that they could not be relied upon to do anything. Meanwhile, they still occupied a spot on the squad. so they could not be replaced and their workload was distributed to everyone else.

I am not at all saying that this is what you are doing. But this was the common perception of agents with long-term injuries.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Their little pot shots are extremely immature, and to take it out on your children is beyone cowardly.

I can't help but wonder if you are leaving something out. Do you think one of your neighbors has observed you running around with your kids, mowing the lawn, or otherwise doing something that you shouldn't be doing with your injury? This could definitely explain the hostility.

You should contact your ombudsman and explain the situation. They are probably the only people who can help you, other than an attorney. Good luck to you!

If yor company has an HR department, time to go there. I believe this might fall under the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act). Your bosses behaviors are not appropriate and may be illegal. That needs to stop. You have the medical records to back it up. Some of the other moms have great suggestions as well.

I feel very sorry for your situation. I wish people could mind their own business and be more compassionate. These days there are more zombie-followers amongst us than independent thinkers. These zombies follow herd behaviour!
If you believe you are in the right, hold your head up high and don't let petty actions of your neighbors hurt you. I will not advise you to show others your medical records. You cannot reform the zombies.
I would suggest you make yourself visibly useful in your neighborhood or school in some way. Start volunteering at school in any capacity you can. Do it routinely ... help in the library, help the teacher with anything she may need in the classroom. Hopefully the other kids will behave better with your kids and your kids will be more confident going to school. Hopefully other parents will see the good in you.
You need to reach out to just one parent who has a soft spot for you. Your boys need only one good friend at school to love going to school. Develop their friendship further, outside of school. Be creative in your thinking.
Could you help out in your old office in any capacity? Asking your old bosses that you want to help them out will at least show them that your intentions are good.
I wish you the best. I hope you do not lose the courage of your heart in these stressful times. This too shall pass.

Personally, I would be less concerned about what is going on at the school, and more concerned about what is going on with your job. You obviously have some type of position with a government agency - you need to start by taking your concerns to human resources. Your bosses have NO right to be discussing this with anyone other than the HR department and the person who handles workers comp. And really, the person who handles workers comp should not be discussing specifics of your case with your supervisors, other than to update them on your return to work status.

Unfortunately, the damage has been done by your employer and whatever resolve you get from them won't sway the other parents at the school. You need to see what other options are available in terms of schools. Are you in the city - are charter schools an option? While you are off work, use that time to start researching school option for next year. At this point, there are only a couple months of school left and it may be more difficult to change at this point.

Those other parents should be ashamed of themselves - nice examples they are setting for their children.

If it were me, I would put my children in another school as soon as possible. Then, I would start looking into our options in moving.
Sorry you are going through this- it must be very difficult.

Hmmm...where is your husband in all of this? Does he work for the same company? Are you planning to go back to work there when you are able? What you should do depends on your overall plan. If you may not go back to work there due to your injuries, I would probably move out of that little nightmare community. Being on "paid leave" for that long is bound to breed resentment from your bosses even if it's not your fault. It sounds like your bosses and others (probably mostly the other workers-the bosses probably made a wise crack or two about paid leave, and then the other workers ran with it) have been REALLY slandering you and making up exaggerated stories to downplay your injury and make you some martyr character (which is why I think the advice below to talk to a lawyer may be worth considering). The close knit living quarters in the community make it worse because you guys are all breathing down each other's necks at home, school and work. And these do not sound like good people.

If you ARE planning to stay and go back to work there, you'll have to take the high road, continue being nice, and get back to work as soon as possible the best you can. Sooner or later someone will hear that you had lots of surgeries, not just one, and the truth will take over the negative legend that has been built up. It really stinks how "jealousy" (people who are mad they have to work) erases reality and compassion. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

I might talk to a lawyer about your total situation, not so much with the goal of suing, but just to be more equipped to have your next talk with your boss in regards to "It seems many of my coworkers and people in the community feel my injuries have been falsely inflated. It is even causing my kids to be shunned. I'm not sure how this could have happened without inappropriate discussion of my medical records. I don't at all feel you would breech my privacy by spreading rumors about my health, but someone has been spreading the word I am faking my injuries in order to rip off the company. Do you feel I can return to this work place one day with a good name (insert time frame if you have one), or is it impossible and I need to move on? I'd like to find a way we can amicably resolve this so that my family does not continue to get harassed." Knowing your rights before that talk would help. If you have some advice on how to approach the topic it will help. After all, your bosses know the accident was real, they know you didn't hire someone to hit you with a car, and they know how many surgeries you had, so if they have been spreading falsehoods, or allowing them to blow up in gossip circles, they may need a wake up call to stop perpetuating/allowing that. It would be just as easy for them to say, "You know, about her, actually, she did get hurt pretty bad, we shouldn't talk that way" or something to cover their asses legally.

And if kids are harassing your kids, I would confront that like any other mom! Don't assume it's because of you (even if it is) just confront the moms sweetly and say your 4 year old was told that little Joey, Jack and Jake hate him. You just want to know if your son has done anything, or if boys are just being boys, etc. Don't include yourself in the equation. It may start a dialogue in which they get to see you on real terms rather than just ignoring you from a distance. If three kids shut out my 4 year old son (I have one too) and the behavior continued (I'd make sure it was serious and not fleeting) and my son was sad, I'd be on those moms like white on rice all "nice and ready to work it out" but not backing down one inch.

This is a very tough situation, I'm very sorry. These people are misinformed worker-bee nosy-nellie jealous jerks.

That's terrible. I'm sorry that your family has to go through this. If I were in your shoes, I'd look to move out of that area and start over, preferably somewhere like a big suburb or city where there are tons of people. I couldn't sit back and watch my kids suffer like that and have it ruin their childhoods. I speak from experience. I grew up in Metro Detroit, a huge populus. My husband grew up in a small, rural town in northern Michigan. My husband hated his childhood because he didn't fit in with the townspeople. It was a life of he!!. When he graduated high school, he left to come down to Metro Detroit the day after graduation. Me, on the other hand, I had an enjoyable upbringing with fond memories. You owe it to your kids--move out of that place and start over.

Just my two cents.

Good luck to you and your family...I'll keep you in my prayers:)

You are in a difficult position. I would start small and make a mom friend or two from your kids class. Once people actually get to know you on a personal level they will tell others and moms will speak positivily of you and your family if they are friends of you.rs. So the question is how can you make a new friend or two... perhaps get involved in school PTA and volunteer to work something. Volunteer in the school class room or at the school. You will meet other moms. Find out from your kids if there is a kid that they would like to have a friend. Make the calls to the moms and ask for a play date. You are going to have to put in a lot of effort to make some friends and overcome the rumors, etc. Start now and expect progress to be small...but stick with it. If you could target someone influencial at the school...like the PTA president or PTA officer. These ladies are usually pretty well connected in the school and will spread the good word about you. Maybe after you volunteer or work with one of the moms a few times ask them to coffee. You have to start slow and be strategic.

What a crappy way to be treated when youve been thru so much. Is there anyway possible to work from home? Can you work part time in the office? Can you invite some of the school friends to your home and include the parents for a small party and maybe have the chance to tell them how poorly your recent surgeries went? Sometimes if they dont know the facts they assume they know the facts. If that makes sense. Tell them what happend. Clear the gossip and tell them all the truth about things and see if any of them come over to your side and act like real neighbors and friends should act. Its just all so sad when kids are shunned because their parents dont know whats going on. I hope you are better soon.

I don't think there's anything you can do short of moving away.
Anything you try to do to have more of a presence at school will only enforce their idea that you are faking and should be able to work.
They don't know anything about living with chronic pain and they will not listen to anything you have to say.
They'll be smug and self satisfied when you leave but who wants to be friends with these horrible people?
It's not fair to you or your kids but I think leaving is the best thing you can do.
Living in this hostile environment is taking it's toll.

To be totally honest you are going to face the same angst when you finally do go back to work. I seriously think it is time to talk to the attorney about options of cutting ties with this employer.

There must be some way of settling this financially and being able to still have the medical open. I know you are getting the employment benefits that you need but you can never actually go back to work there. It is going to be a hostile work environment.

That is something you are going to have to decide of course but do you really want to continue with the treatment your children are getting?

I would take them out of this school and find someplace else for them. Even if this is your dream home outside the home it is in nightmare land for your whole family. Since housing is down I'd stay there but put the kids in private school or move them to a nearby district.

wow, people are so awful and I'm sorry that you are going through this and that your boys are being affected. I get glimpses of my son's hurt feelings with peers and it breaks my heart and he's not even in school yet.

I can give you a thousand pieces of advice but really, I'm not sure that anything will be helpful if this is a tight-knit community.

I'm wondering if there's any private school in your area or another school outside of your boundaries they can transfer to. If the parents are so openly hostile, I'm not sure any amount of meetings or olive branches you extend will be helpful. You may have to see about obtaining a scholarship to a school nearby. I wouldn't let my boys be ostracized (not that you are) and I don't know that this is a situation with a very good or obvious solution.

I dont really get it.

Lets say that I work with you and you were in an accident and I KNOW, like, FOR REAL, that you are fit to return to work (say I saw you out jogging or in my Zumba class) and that you just "gaming" the system.

I would think less of you, but I wouldnt make a special effort to exclude you from the group and it certainly wouldnt have any impact on how I felt about or treated your children.

I think you need to take it upon yourself to help your children develop relationships with these other children. Get the other mom's #s and make arrangements to meet at a playground or park. Invite their children to your house for a play date.

If the moms still give a cold shoulder and rebuff your efforts - call them out on it. Say, "I understand you may be unhappy with my work situation, but please dont punish my children for it." That would make even the most cold hearted mom re-examine her actions.

While I am sure that, if people feel you are taking advantage of the system, they may make a snide comment or not make efforts to include your family I also dont think that they are purposefully shunning you. I think if you go out of your way to be friendly and develop relationships, that will take care of most of the problem.

There will still be some tacky people and snide comments - but those people would be there laughing at your hair, clothes, car, or husband in any situation.

Wow, you are really in a tough situation. I think you did the right thing trying to talk to one of the bosses but it might be worth your time to confront some of the moms who have made rude comments to you. They really sound like they aren't worth your time, but if you are planning to continue to live where you do it might pay off in the end. Usually if you stand up to a bully, they will back down. These woman sound more like bullies then anything else.

what a miserable situation.
:(
i disagree with the advice to sue. even if you won (doubtful) it wouldn't make life any easier for the boys, and it would be stressful and filled with hurt and anger for you to have to psychically stay in that place.
there is no realistic way to make the other 'adults' in this community have a change of heart. if they enjoy having you as their scapegoat, protestations will only look like excuses. and as you say, the main problem here is how it's affecting the boys.
once again, you can't force, argue, negotiate or legislate fair treatment for them from the other kids. it's horribly unfair for them, but social dynamics are what they are. what IS equally true, though, is that there is never a completely united front, not even in a close-knit community. in that school, in the boys' classes, there are a few kids whose parents aren't involved in this nasty hazing. maybe even a few kids who, for other reasons, are considered misfits. somewhere in this group are kids who can and would be great friends for your kids. and it only takes one close friend and ally to make a bleak situation seem so much brighter.
i'd totally ignore the adult situation. if there is really and truly not one adult at that workplace who is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, there's no point in spending any time fuming about them. focus on finding a friend or two for your kids, in teaching them how to shield, deflect nastiness and be confident in themselves, and look outside the school for social groups in which they can be involved.
i'll bet once the predators see you're all not bleeding any more, they'll lose interest in tormenting.
i'm sorry there are no good or fast answers for this.
:( khairete
S.

It certainly seems that your bosses have created a hostile work and home environment for you. Isn't that illegal? I am not a sue happy person, personally I think people sue way to often for really stupid should have had more commen sense reasons. But, if your situation is what you say it is... I would at least talk to a lawyer. Your bosses had absolutely no business discussing your medical history with anyone, period space space. By telling people they don't believe you, that is discussing your private medical records. I may be way off base. I have been out of the work force for seven years but this seems just wrong to me. Your s situation is one of the few (seriously) I have ever said lawyer up to. I don't think your situation will get any better no matter what you do. It might be time for a drastic move to improve things for your family. Good luck.

Can you return to work in a limited way, or in an alternate position? If your doctor could release you, you might be able to return to work part time. Then you would be a part of things and would gain more sympathy from your coworkers/ neighbors.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. It sure sounds uncomfortable both for you and your family. Id really suggest you talk to your doc and your boss as they are required tovtry and accomidate you.
Best wishes!!

When the woman said "Of course, because you had knee surgery like what a year ago" What did you say? That was your chance to say loudly, "I've had 4 surgeries in the past year and a half, thanks for asking" Start telling your side of the story to anyone who will listen. Tell it in a matter of fact manner, not a complaining poor me.... or everyone's mean to me but really they dont know... Just slip it into conversation. "I wish I could be running around the playground like that parent but I had a third surgery two months ago and it didnt go well, What grade is little Jimmy in now, he looks so tall, like his father" "I'd like to find some volunteer work in the school but the Dr said I have to be off my feet because........I wonder if Kindergarten teachers would have things I could cut out for them?" Slip it in then change the subject to an interest in the other person, so it doesnt sound like you are complaining. We only want to hear complaining from out best friends but you have every right to set the record straight.

Did you get second opinions on the knee and hip before the surgery. I would have done that and maybe if not you should still do that. It sounds like a lot of surgery and redoing surgery.
You need to see if you could work from home, or if you could find something else to do in the meantime. I know companies hate it when they see employees walking around and going to programs and doing other things and because they don't know the details or have the issues they don't understand and judge you. Is there any way you could work and just take short term leave when you need the surgeries. My husband did that with his hip surgeries. He's had several surgeries and took leave for all and went back to work. Is that a possibility or not?
I'm sorry your poor little boys have to go through this. Maybe you could move to a new area and start over after the surgeries are done.

This is a horrible situation! It is just awful that your dear children are getting treated so badly (and of course you and your husband). Honestly, I would move...no matter how difficult the transition may be. You are surrounded by people that have already shown their true colors. Why would you want to stick around for that?! Even if and when things get better, there will always be that underlying feeling of anger and hurt. If at all possible, move...I feel so bad for you. It's not like you're a charity case trying to have your employer carry you, you were working a residency for crying out loud! Oh hun, move...

Move. It is not fair but you can't change other people.

My husband and I were ostracized at our school and didn't realize it until we left. We don't have the backstabbing drama at all at the new school.
My child is accepted. It is not perfect, but it is so much better I wish I had moved schools sooner. Some people see us out, smiling and laughing, and tell us they are glad things are better.

Also, never talk about the past with new people. I am amazed in our city that so many people ask personal questions about us. My husband is disabled and I stay home to care for him yet we have money. People want to know where we got it and it is none of their business.

It's sad that grown people act this way. It shows us where the kids learn it from. I would consider moving to another location and discuss your long term health with your doctor. Will you be able to return to work? Can you do the same job? Maybe it is time to find other employment or can you go on long term disability.

I personally would not stay in that community or keep my children in that school. These people will NEVER change and you (and your family) should not have to defend your medical conditions or choices.

OMG! I don't have any advice and I am very sorry to hear what you are going through, but I can't believe that folks are acting this way toward you and your family, I don't know exactly what you are going through but I did have hip surgery back in December and I am still limping around now and at times in a lot of pain! I am in physical therapy right now and starting to heal but it is a very long process, but when i went in for surgery feel that the doc down played how the recovery would be i expected to be my regular self by now! I can't imagine how much pain you are in and know that people really cant understand what you are going through with your recovery, but just keep your head up and use your mommy instincts to handle your situation, not sure if you are spitiual but if you pray about it and turn it over to God and he will work things out as far as your boys, he will make a way! Good luck in the future!

Just looking at the other side of the coin for a minute, sounds like you work for the City and with cutbacks and mandatory unpaid furlough days, there is stress, resentment and lots of angry workers who now have stressed and disgruntled families. Many times when an employee is on medical leave they cannot be replaced, their co-workers have to pitch in to pick up the slack. Short staffed organizations become even more stretched. Unfortunately they are taking it out on you and incredibly your two sweet children. I can only imagine what gets said in those homes, "I know you miss daddy honey but he has to work late again because people like Mrs so and so are milking the disability benefits and not working" It is shameful that parents would bring their kids into this

Residency requirements are tough and don't leave many affordable options. Your choices are to move or make lemonade out of lemons. With the concentration of workers in your neighborhood I bet you can find others who have been treated unfairly like you. There might be misery that needs company ;-) Otherwise continue to try to find friendship with more fair minded individuals at your church or in your neighborhood who don't work for the same "agency" And volunteer for things that don't require physical activity. Offer to help with a mailer or scheduling volunteers or making calls.

Good luck. I had a friend who was a whistleblower and I was shocked at the things his co-workers did to his house and to him. It's a rough road. I feel for you.

Move---but only if your hospitalization or medicare, or workmans comp will not be cut!

After reading this I feel for you and your children. People shouldn't act this way. I'm not sure what your profession is and that might help to know to know which way you can go. I would have also have said something when they stated to me that I had surgery a year ago. When they made a comment I would have said what is your issue with me etc. It is rough to stay where your at until you talk to them or change something. I think you live in Chicago and I also have lived there for several years. I'm not sure where abouts you live but. I am curious if you work for the city or where. I do know most of the people from the city of chicago etc. If you would like to talk send me a message and we can talk futher. Its always nice to have someone to talk to and might make you feel better. Good luck.

I would suggest to move. Since your husbands work is in flux and you are out of work it may be a good time, especially since you may not be going back at all. It sounds like you have no other ties to this area (family, other friends etc) besides the job you may not be able to go back to anyway. I know it may be a financial hardship, but it sounds like you are all miserable. Moving to a place where your husband may have more work options may be best in the end anyway.

I think this kind of bullying can really be h*** o* your kids long-term. Sometimes a fresh start will take care of it. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.