One on One Playdates

i think that raising emotionally intelligent children means allowing and guiding them through all sorts of real world situations. i don't know any kids (except a few with frantically helicoptering parents) who have their relationships this 'managed.'
how will a 4-7 year old who's only been allowed to have one on one or large group playdates learn how to deal with triads?
khairete
S.

I think its good to have SOME exposure to small group playdates, mostly because kids will find themselves in "3-friend" situations, and I'd rather have some of those occur under my supervision (instead of only at school, etc.) so I can offer guidance. Kids will very often tend to 'gang up' but usually a quiet, timely word can nip that in the bud. But, I do make sure my kids also have a lot of one-on-one and larger group playdates as well ... basically just mix it up, and try to prevent repeated 'odd man out' situations.

I agree, this does seem largely true.

Taking turns sharing authority over 'how' their play will go is difficult in groups of two; three does tend to turn exclusive. My son is five and the only times I will do groups of three playdates is if the other child is the playmate's sibling, and then their mother and I do work hard to keep the play running smoothly and to give the sibling extra attention. I also know he is getting experience in working in groups of three children, three mornings a week at preschool; playdates for us are 'extra' socialization and from my perspective should be less work for him, more on developing common play interests and deepening those relationships through playing together.

I should also add-- think about how many posts we see on this site about adults dealing with the very same 'triad' problems and the complexity of their feelings of rejection. Something to consider...with triads, we all have to make a bit more effort.

Yes, kids are very 'cruel' in their exclusion, and they are still learning the finer points of self-expression. Do they have the humility and self-awareness to express that sense of incompetence and difficulty that comes with playing in threes? :) I do think the "I don't like you/We don't like you" stems from the "I don't like you to come along and make things harder-- this is already hard enough" thought. But yes, it's awful to hear.

hi J..
I love the question and the good responses below. we have done one on one, 3's and more...I agree that varying is a good thing...and i agree that exposing our kids to real life situations under our guidance somehow is also a good thing.

thanks for posting.
jilly

I agree that groups of three are tough. It's so easy for two to gang up against one. Unfortunately, with so many of us having more than one child, it's hard to keep all the kids evenly matched. Even then they might split up into different activities where you end up with three kids wanting to do the same thing and then you're back to the situation you were hoping to avoid. For us, it's better to teach our kids to be kind to everyone rather than trying to engineer the perfect conditions that will garner desirable behavior.

I can see that there might be some truth to this, but as with every book theory... We have to realize it's the extreme. Authors wouldnt be able to sell books if they made general statements rather than pointed ones. Anyway, a good parent or teacher can teach children to manage situations involving more than two children. I have twins so ANY playdate automatically has three or more children. My girls do great with a third child, but it's all they've known for playdates or the park. When they started preschool there were certainly kids who related better one on one. The teachers did a fantastic job of facilitating small and large group play. So, while Gottman's observation may be the true base state of children, socializing will change it.

Each kid and their disposition and coping skills vary. And how a child is parented.

Kids this age are also typically in school.
Kids of this age are still learning. They don't have automatic inherent skills for social interactions, nor the ability to know absolutely what they are feeling or needing.
So, the parent helps in teaching them that.
It is like a rock collecting moss.
It takes time.

My kids are 5 and 9. I have had play dates for them, with 1 or more children, since they were Toddlers. They have done fine. Also because their friends, are compatible. And since 2 years old I have taught them the names for their feelings, how to speak up, how to know themselves etc. and how they can tell me. Kids need to be guided. Along with their age-related development and comprehension per age stage.

My kids have never been exclusionary or told a kid "I don't like you."

But yes, kids at these ages are NOT experts.... at social situations or in having finely tuned coping skills or communication.

Even Teenagers or adults, are not experts and "managing" all social interactions.

I agree. 3 doesn't work well

How interesting. How did they say to handle it? When a child wanted to play with someone else and they told your child to go away.

Playdates of three are always a disaster, IMO. You either have one person over or you have three. I really do agree with that. However, watching my own girls, 6 & 9, it seems more to do with pairs. I don't think that it is because they can't handle more than one.

When children come to your house for playdates they have their own idea of what they would like to do. Of course, your kids are bored with everything they have and have a different idea of what they want to do with their friend. Feelings get hurt. My rule is your guest gets to pick. When there are three, more than likely two will agree on something (like Barbies) and then the other feels left out. Can't tell you how many times I have heard whining about that! If you have several girls over, that make pairs, that doesn't seem to happen. They pair off on their own. It's seems strange, but it really does happen. There are many less "issues" with four girls than with three. The other thing to watch out for is in inviting the girl, that only wants to play with your daughter and doesn't want anyone else to play with her. This is one girl that HAS to be invited as a one on one. No pairs with help with that situation.

Yes I think that is generally true. Of course there are exceptions but yes, that sounds pretty developmentally accurate to me, and it certainly reflects my experiences with my scout troops. They start to work much better together as a group when they hit third/fourth grade :)

i think anytime there is more than 2 kids, there will be conflicts and it's easier for kids to exclude someone that disagrees with them. it happens in groups larger than 3 as well - BUT the difference is if there are 4+ kids, the excluded kid can often find someone else to play with. that's why 3 is a tough number. and it's true, i'm sure we've all seen it over and over again.