Not Sure What to Do About Husband

If he doesn't believe in getting the help he so clearly needs, than I would leave him and take the child.

I understand and I feel for what you are going through, however one good parent in one stable and happy home is better then one good parent in a two parent unhappy home!!! I feel like you are telling my story 29 years ago. I did get out of my marriage when my son was 19 months old and met my current husband when he was three. I have a wonderful life, we have a child together who is going to be 23 in June. You deserve more, your resentment is going to spill over into your son even though you are doing your best to prevent that. I was a single mother living in a marriage. My husband was a paycheck to me and I thought I deserved more, and so did my son. I moved into a studio apartment just my son and I and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. There is nothing worse then feeling unloved, and invisible. I felt if I might as well be a single mother since I was doing it all myself. And I didn't resent that because I knew it was all on me by MY choice. I went to counseling to help me deal with being a single mother, and mostly how to help my son should he have any issues with me divorcing. My son's father hasn't seen my son since he was 12 and my son is 26 now. And even when he did see him it was all me trying to push it, finally I stopped pushing and he just stopped. I know I made the right decision, and yes we did try counseling. My ex like yours said everything was my fault, he did not take responsibility for anything!!!! And our intimate life was nonexistent, because of my resentment toward him. I know you are on the fence so take one step at a time. Go get some counseling for you!!! It will help put things into perspective and help you to come to the right decision for you and you son!! Good luck!!

So what's stopping YOU from going to counseling? If you can't make him better, what's the harm in bettering YOURSELF?

Marriage is no fairy tale... it's 'happily sometimes ever after' at BEST. It takes 100%/100%... not 50/50.

If you can make yourself better (we all have to admit, we're not saints), then at least you can say you tried your damn best... if things still don't get better, find someone who deserves you!!

If he won't go to counseling--go by yourself.
It will help you sort through the facts as as well as the emotions.

I'm so sorry he wont go to counseling with you it sounds like your marriage Could Maybe be saved thru counseling. Start going alone and see if he will join you . Tell him you hope it will make you a better mother and a better wife. Dont tell him he needs to BE better just that you need a better marriage. If he wont go think about your life. Would it be harder or easier without him? If you do not have to cook for your husband and clean up after him and help with his laundry will your life be easier ? How much is he yelling at your son? Do you have other kids and how does he get along with them? He sounds like a crappy husband and a crappy father. Having no father is better than having a bad father. Start planning how you would live without him. Discuss this major and stressful life change you are planning with a counselor. You might be able to build up your confidence and have a plan in place. Think about money and paperwork and where would you live. If at anytime your hubby changes his mind about counseling you could both go but it doesnt seem likely. When you are a single mom maybe you will qualify for some assistance with your son?? Good luck You and your kids deserve better

He sounds like an a$$, no wonder he's divorced twice already. If you decide to leave (consult an attorney) I doubt he'll seek custody of your child, but he'll be forced to pay child support, at least you and your son can get a peaceful home environment (your very own). Let him do what he will if he's serious about it (cheating on you with another girl), that's more material (legally) for you to call the shots when the divorce comes. Just make sure you put everything on record. What an animal. Good luck!

I'm sorry you're going through this. Counseling for yourself seems like a good idea. I'm generalizing about men, but for the most part, if they're not "getting it" at home, they will go out and get it where they can. I don't know if you still love him or not. If you do, maybe counseling can get you back to the spot where you're will to be intimate with him again.

On the other hand, if you're husband is being abusive (verbally, emotionally, or physically), that is not good for your son. Just because he's your son's father doesn't give him the right to harm him in any way. I don't know if your husband has always been this way or if this has been recent. With three marriages, it sounds like he may have some issues that won't change without counseling, and if he's unwilling to get help, there's not much you can do other than do what's best for you and your son.

It took me quite a while to get up the guts to leave my ex. He had some major anger issues, and my daughter is still traumatized by it even 3 yrs after he's been out of the house. I had no idea how I was going to make it financially without him after he drained me financially, but somehow I am making it, and my daughter and I are much happier. We don't live every day with constant anxiety and tension.

Good luck with whatever you decide..

Sandy said a lot I agree with! First, you do qualify for assistance with/for your son.. Have you filed social security disability for him yet? If not you seriously need to, yesterday. It sounds like you are actually taking care of his kids from another marriage on top of your son that has CF? You're superwoman! What I would do: (because I'm a vindictive b*t** and I understand if you're a SAHM you can't just up and have the money to leave and support yourself and son). Can you move him into a different bedroom of the house? If so I'd move him out of the bedroom (all his clothes everything) you give him a laundry basket that his laundry goes in, this laundry does NOT get done when you do laundry, his laundry, his responsibility. Take over all the treatments (if you can) and take over every responsibility that you will have if/when you divorce. Take control of the finances (if you can) and try not to ask a single thing from him (I know how hard it will be.. just like if you were single). Treat him like the little kid he is, this will be good for 2 things. 1: Getting your prepared for single life and showing you how little you need him, and 2: Showing him how much of a douche bag he really is. Since he refuses counseling and won't talk about it then just let him know that's how things will be until you can afford to leave (and be saving money) he'll get it real quick, trust me. And if he's even slightly committed to the marriage then he'll step up (or should) and at the very least want to talk about it. Good luck!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My situation is quite similar except that we will be starting counseling in two weeks (and you are more of a wonder woman than I am). If he is not willing to work on anything, there is nothing you can do. As far as your son, nobody needs an abusive father. Make sure you explain your husband's lack of parenting skills to your attorney. You might be able to get full custody. Also think of the example you are setting for your children. If you stay, you are teaching them that it is ok for people to treat them this way. Dump this guy and make all of your lives better.

Yeah - looks like there was a reason he's been divorced 3 times and he still has not learned from his mistakes.

He's making you and your son's life harder, less happy and does it on purpose. He's giving you all the pain and drama but none of the happiness. I'd probably strongly think of divorce if I were in your shoes. I'd go lawyer searching and saving up money he doesn't know about... also, I'd start putting paychecks in your own account so he cannot steal your money if he gets mad at you.

To be honest, it sounds like neither of you are making much of an effort. In most cases both people are at fault for letting the marriage get bad. When was the last time either of you showed your appreciation or love for the other one? When was the last time one of you did something little, something special to show the other one that they care? Went on a date? Said "I love you"? It goes both ways. Most of the issues you have are typical & fixable. Most of them aren't really even worth fighting about.

It sounds like he is the breadwinner & you are a SAHM, and this is a typical case of the SAHM not feeling validated or appreciated and the working dad feels the same way, with the added pressure of being the only one keeping the family afloat financially. When both parties can only think of themselves & not of what the other is going through, that is where the resentment begins. You both work hard, and you should both respect the work that other one does. When you are at the point of competing & arguing about who does more, you need to take a step back to remember it's a partnership, not a competition. No one wins when both parties are keeping track.

It sounds like you've both checked out, to be honest. Unfortunately, you can't force him to do anything, but you CAN change your attitude, how you look at things, and how you react to him. Be the better person, set the example of how you want things to be, and don't be a victim. If you have never heard of the book called "The Secret" I highly recommend it. It also comes in movie form. It is all about positive reinforcement & pushing away the negative & a lot of it can be applied to a marriage. When you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop & not making an effort & putting negative feelings & thoughts out there, guess what you will get back? Everything you're putting out. Just watch the movie. It can open your eyes & make you realize your part in your marriage's problems.

I come from a place of wanting to help, because DH & I have recently been there with our marriage & this movie came at the perfect time. We both realized we were really negative, angry people & have since made the effort to change our ways & the effort is paying off. We also have the book "The Love Dare", which we plan on reading together & applying to our lives.

Now, counseling, "The Love Dare", & "The Secret" won't work if you both aren't completely open, honest, and willing to put in the work. Because believe me, it's a lot harder to change your habits when you've been one way for so long. You will have to admit your faults & shortcomings & be humble.

If either of you or both of you just don't care anymore, and don't want to put in the work, then it's probably time to move on. I know I couldn't put my kid through a divorce unless I knew that we had both done everything in our power to save the marriage, personally. I have wanted to give up so many times, but having been on the verge of splitting up recently, and needing that wake up call, I am so glad I didn't give up. Our relationship is better than it's been in several years.

ETA - now that I see that you work full time, I can see a little more why you're frustrated.

I agree with the other moms who said that if your husband won't go to counseling, then go for yourself.
Many marriages with a special needs child struggle and I don't think it helps anything to keep score about who does what around the house.

Unfortunately, if your husband has already been divorced twice, he may be of the opinion that divorce is just what happens when things don't work out. You don't feel special or loved by him, which are valid feelings, so now you're not being intimate. He punishes you by taking his wedding ring off and you're fighting about laundry.

Make yourself an appointment with a family therapist so if nothing else, you can get to the bottom of how you are feeling and you never know....he may be willing to go with you if you take that first step. You can't force him to do anything, you can only work on yourself and try to keep your own head straight.

Best wishes.

Hi,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with your marriage. I have been having some hard times myself. 3 years ago (before I had my beautiful son) I left my husband bc all we did was fight and he refused counseling. I felt that if he wouldn't give his all then why should I. Well after a few months of being separated he agreed to go to counseling, but it was short lived. Then I got pregnant and we now have our son. So because I want what is best for my son, I decided to look at myself and change the negative things about ME in hopes of turning my marriage around. I read "The Love Dare" and it really has helped so much. It's not always easy bc it dares you to love your spouse unconditionally and to be selfless even if your spouse is being selfish. BUT once I started to make changes with myself, my husband started to change! Things are not perfect by any means but for the first time in a while I have HOPE. It's going to take 'work' everyday, and I learned that for me the only way to get through this is through the help of God EVERYDAY (I dont know your faith but I am just saying what is working for me).

Now if your husband is being abusive (emotionally or physically) and he is not changing that behavior then I would think about you and your son's well being at that point. BUT give that book a shot and see if things start to change for the better. I hope this helps:)

I'll keep you guys in prayer.

Sorry, it sounds like you married a real jerk.

I'm sorry it's gotten this far. It all sounds rather common. A person should NEVER use sex as a punishment. It's an excuse to say that you just don't feel loved. His helping around the house has absolutely NOTHING to do with having sex with him.

What do you want anyone to tell you? Some will agree with you, many will recommend counseling, and I'll be a lone wolf telling you that you should have never stopped having sex with him. At least, very few will side with me on that issue.

I've lived with a person that uses sex as a tool for manipulation and for punishment. It's not right. I've often felt that I'd be better off going out and getting me a boyfriend on the side. BUT THAT'S just WRONG! I would never do that. But I'm not faithful to my husband because he deserves it. I'm faithful because God will reward my well doing in the next life.

You have a lot on your plate and I'm sure it is depressing. But I see you as having much more power in the relationship and he's hopefully just trying to scare you. It may be too late. I am NOT saying your husband is right about how he divides the chores! I'm just saying that you should have found another way to deal with it.

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Father

Print the above and hand it to your husband.

J., you need to talk to an attorney. He is telling you that he is going to have affairs, and you are to clean for him and take care of The Kid and he will do whatever the hell he wants. You had BETTER go get your ducks in a row. Remember, he has done this twice before. You need to head this off at the pass and prepare while you can.

Dawn

Your anger at your Husband is because he is not being a "parent" and he is thinking of only himself the majority of the time, while still expecting you to do it all, including taking care of him.

He is an adult.
He can help.
He lives in the house too.
It is his kids too.
You also work.
You have a full load.
Understandingly, you are angry... hence... it dominoes into your sense of "intimacy" with your Husband.
But, your Husband does not see... that he is also a CULPRIT in this vicious cycle... because, he is only thinking of himself and his needs.
Meanwhile he has a Wife... that he does not nurture or take care of.
AND he is retaliating against you... by swinging at you by not wearing his wedding ring and saying he will get a Girlfriend for his physical needs.

And you try to talk with him but he throws it back in your face and blames you and it turns into a huge fight.

Each Spouse, is in their corner and unwilling to compromise.

So, the problems needs to be solved, if it can be.
By: taking steps to "cure" it. ie: going to marriage counseling etc.
But your Husband won't go. Because mainly, he as a man, thinks it is all "your" problem and he thinks it is bullcrap.

So, what now?

No wonder he was divorced 2 times. Already.

The thing is: he is not a grown up. He is not a "Dad." He is not a "Husband" and only is concerned with his own needs. But you are not a toy, with an on off switch, operating to his liking.
He... belittles you.
And that makes for any woman... to not want to be intimate with a Man.
What a conundrum.

But I imagine, your Husband will not mature... in his mentality. Because he does not even imagine, that these problems are of his causing as well. And he treats you like everything he does do, is a big "favor" to you.
Hence resentment builds up between both of you, against each other.

Without Counseling or profound patience, I don't see how this will improve.
Because, he at the minimum, does not see that anything is wrong, with himself.

He is emotionally manipulative.
Maybe he is even a Narcissist????
And you both have a child with cystic fibrosis... and your Husband cannot even, realize that HE is also responsible for taking care of his own son.

You cannot change him. But can try.
Which you do try to talk with him.
But he is the way he is.
And if he is a Narcissist... then, that is really hard to make the person, see that the problem is also, them.

You are both hurting. Get help. The issues you've listed aren't that big of a deal. It's what you both aren't saying that needs to be explored. Men aren't good at communicating their feelings, and some men just can't put themselves in their wives' shoes. Counseling will help if he will go. If he won't, go anyway. You need it.

Get into counseling for yourself FAST. A neutral party can help you sort through the reality and what you may be overreacting about. And yes, get your ducks lined up. Sounds like a pattern - you're his third wife. from what you described, I doubt the woman was the main one at fault in his previous 2 marriages. People CAN change...but he won't until he actually wants what he has to lose.