Not Reciprocating Preshool Classmate Birthday Party?

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I think everyone decides to do what's best for them. And that's a good thing!
You're good.
Have fun!

When you give the birthday child a gift, that is your reciprocation for them inviting your child to their party. Nothing more is required. If you want to have a small and/or inexpensively done party, you have every right to do it and do not need to explain yourself. You know your family's traditions, needs, and finances better than anyone so you get to make this decision and you do not have to take into consideration how others have handled their own parties.

It's fine for you to continue to go to parties to which your daughter is invited, even if you don't have a party of your own.

What you will find, as your daughter grows older is that the parties will decrease - by 1st grade or so most parents have limited the party to 4 or 5 closer friends rather than the whole class. So, she'll just get invited to the parties of girls she is much closer to as friends.

You don't have to spend hundreds on a big party and I really don't understand the logic of not having time to host a birthday party. I mean, it's one day out of 365! You can have a party at home with just cupcakes or plan one at a park, ect. I had my son's 4th birthday at McDonald's with 13 kids at it was 9 dollars a kid plus I got cupcakes. There is a girl in his preschool that had a small girls only party and that is really ok. I think at this age, they love having parties. You just have to have the kind that your child will enjoy. Personally, I would never NOT have some kind of party for my child!

I do not think that you must have a large birthday party just because others are. If you do that you will be getting into a 'keeping up with the Jones's" sort of thing. It sounds like what you are doing for your daughters birthday makes her happy - so why not keep doing what works.

Hi M.,

My take on it (as another mom of a preschooler and preschool teacher) is this: the people who invited your daughter did it because *they* wanted to have the big party. I don't believe any reciprocity is necessary.

We are in the same boat, by the way. There is no way on earth I'd invite my son's entire preschool class to his birthday. (They do a small celebration at school in any case.) Our family has always had a focus on 'keeping it real', and for our son, it has always been a small family gathering. This year, we're inviting one family from the neighborhood over to celebrate his birthday with us-- we are very close to them and have traded care over the past three years. Not because we're stingy or don't like the other preschoolers, either, but just because my son has expressed no interest in inviting the whole world to a party.:) The preschool 'friendships' are not as deep and close as the one with the neighbors; they are like psuedo-siblings and a second set of parents.

Feel comfortable with your choice-- you're doing fine on this one. And for what it's worth, when it comes to preschool party invites, we've only taken our little guy to two of those: one was a school buddy he'd known for years outside of his preschool and the other was right after school at the nearby park. Otherwise, we skip the blow-outs for kids he doesn't usually play with/talk about from school.

I think reciprocation is only expected if there’s actually a party and you invite kids from the class, then all the ones that have invited you would expect to be invited; if however you don’t do a party or have one only with family and friends not from school, I don’t believe anyone would be offended.
Parties can cost a lot of money, so even among close friends, we only invite those that have kids close in age to ours and everyone understands because most of us can't afford to invite everyone.

We always had large parties and not always for birthday. We threw pre-school parties for Fall celebration, Spring celebration crawfish boil, and some big birthday parties. Our daughter is 17 now and we still have a huge crawfish boil every Spring! I had 200 people in my yard last year!

I LOVE planning and throwing parties because we enjoy it. We don't throw parties, etc with expectations of reciprocation. It is just not our nature to do something and expect something in return. Now, some people are very different and expect a tit for tat type relationship. Not us.

Also, per another response... the parties do tend to get smaller once the children hit 1st grade. Yes, there are still some big parties thrown but don't put pressure on yourself to do what others are doing. No party is worth going into debt just to keep up with everbody else.

Let your daughter enjoy!

We never did the big parties either. I once asked another mother if they thought it was rude and she said not at all, so I went based on that. The only time we have done a big party was for my daughters 7th birthday and the only reason we did it that year was because we just had her baby sister a few months earlier and we wanted to do something special just for her that year.

Every other time it was just our family doing a little celebration at home and the last 2 years we have done a sleepover with only 2 friends allowed. We are not big into throwing parties.

My kids are a little older (turning 9 in June, 7 tomorrow, and 5 last month) but we skipped parties this year for the first time ever. There is too much going on so even finding a weekend where we can do one will be difficult.

I don't think parents expect to be invited to a party, especially if you don't have one.

If you have a party, you should reciprocate...if you don't have a party, don't worry about it. I always found it annoying if we had children at our party and then they excluded us from theirs...but if they didn't have a party at all, no issue.

If you do have a party, just invite the same gender...that's usually understood...when my daughter was in kindergarten, we invited all the girls to our house and had a dance party. It was lots of fun...we did the hokey pokey, YMCA, played musical chairs, etc. It was very inexpensive and kids raved about how much fun they had. It was an easy way to reciprocate without breaking the bank.

OMG my 4 yo has the same situation! It is actually annoying because my 5 yo is NOT in the same situation - she has been invited to far fewer parties (different school). It seems like everyone in the pre-K class has these big blowouts, whole class. I cannot afford that. We have always done at home parties. The kids have some close friends who we will of course invite but cannot fit everyone! So no I don't think you have to do this.

Sometimes I feel like I'm from another planet! Am I the only one that cannot spend $500 - $1000 on a birthday party??? I can't afford it!!!

IMO, you don't have to reciprocate with whole class party and it is perfectly fine to continue to go to parties you are invited to.

My GD also has never had an interest in those large parties. Last year I gave her a choice of huge party, but then smaller gift (because of finances) or a smaller party with a larger gift. She chose the smaller party, not because of the gift thing, but because she didn't think she'd feel comfortable being the center of attention at a huge birthday bash. So we had a smaller party (about 5 kids) and she really enjoyed it. She continues to be invited to classmates parties and she goes if schedule permits.

Don't sweat it. I too believe people do waayyyyy too much for a simple birthday. The party last year was the last I'm giving for my GD until she reaches 16. I just don't see a need for a birthday party for older children. A family dinner is more up my alley.

I agree with lynne E. The gift is the reciprocation. No there is no expectation on your part to through birthday parties.

No, I don't think it's rude at all to attend a party for a friend even if you will not be hosting a party of your own. As long as you RSVP either way and bring a gift if you do attend, I think your commitment is fulfilled.

If you're feeling guilty about it, maybe you can make it up in other ways, like hosting playdates with one or two of your daughter's friend at a time.

We always do a birthday party for my son and I invite as many friends as he wants/as we can afford that year/as space accommodates, but I don't do it expecting him to be invited to those people's parties later. One of his closest friends never has parties and we still invite him every year. : )

First I was going to say you don't have to reciprocate... It's one thing if you had a party and invited almost everyone from her school except one or two kids. But thinking more - I stopped inviting one girl bc her parents never reciprocate with parties OR playdates. If the mom would ever stop being so lazy and allow other kids at her house vs sending her daughter all over to other people's houses, I wouldn't care about the party thing. But I got sick of always hosting everything. So if you also never host playdates but send your daughter to other people's houses and never host a party etc, some moms M. feel like I do. And as the lists get smaller over the years, the mothers M. leave your daughter off as they try to keep the list smaller. As kids get older, typically the parties get smaller. So they might feel like they don't need to keep inviting your daughter. But that's a couple of years off. So overall, I think Im' in the minority but if for a couple of years, you never host a bday party and you're not great about playdates etc, I would start to figure I wasn't going to keep hosting your daughter if she wasn't a close friend. And that might be fine with you. If you think all the effort parents go to for their kids' bday parties is silly, then I'm not sure why you send your daughter. Isn't that kind of hypocritical? You don't want to spend the time or money but you still want your daughter to go and enjoy herself? A lot of parents throw these parties not bc they think a big bday party is essential for their 4 year old but bc it's being part of the community and fun for all the kids. The other mothers are likely just as busy as you are. A party at your house or a park doesn't have to cost much at all.

I always did at home parties. For the kids I had hotdogs and for the adults I had chili dogs. Additionally, cake, chips, punch and take home candy treats. Low cost and fun...