Play Dates - Would You Go About It like This

I would continue to invite the little girl over. Who knows what's going on with the other mom, they may have something they're dealing with or maybe even some social anxiety. If the girls get along and you like the mom, I'd continue to invite her over to play. Not every relationship is 50/50, this may be one of those times. Who knows! You may be offering this family something they need and you have no idea.

I agree not to keep score. It may sound braggy but I always assume that people want to spend time at my house with my kids unless there is a real reason to believe otherwise. If she doesn't want to continue the playdates she'll make it clear one way or another eventually. Until then just assume she hasn't reciprocated due to schedule or forgetfulness.
I always like being the place where kids play/hangout over sending them elsewhere anyway.
It's more fun and as they get older you get to keep tabs on them!

Why is it not alright to always be the person to host? Everyone is so busy now a days, even with the best intentions the other parent may never getting around to getting organized enough, the house clean enough, etc.. If it means you have to host all the time to get the two little munchkins together what is the harm... likewise what is the harm of always hosting a dinner party for an adult who just is not good at this sort of thing but could be a lovely addition to the party mix?

If the girls play well together and you don't mind having her over, then I say make the call. You don't want the friendship to fade because the other mom may not have time to host. I am sure it is nothing personal, perhaps she is just busy, does not plan time well, is easily overwhelmed, who knows, but I wouldn't take it personal. Build the friendship, even if it is at your house.

If the girls have fun together and it isn't too much of an inconvenience for you, then have the your daughter's friend over. I have the exact same situation with my daughter who is in kindergarten. But her friend's mom works - her shifts change weekly, and she's probably too tired and when she has the time, I'm sure she appreciates being at home alone or just with her daughter. I am willing to overlook that because my daughter has such a good time with this friend and her friend is a really good kid. If she didn't behave well at our house, I would think twice about leaving my kids at her house.
If the other mom really did not want to to be friends with you, she would not accept the playdate. Try having her over a few more times and see what happens. If it takes energy away from you, then you can't do it very often and let your daughter pick one day every 4 weeks or every month and have the playdate less frequently.

Good luck!

I work, I have other obligations, I never feel like i have time to relax, the free time i do have I'm selfish and I want to spend actually being with My kids and i feel so much guilt for not doing more playdates with kids my children Luv.

If you keep inviting them over your daughter might have a great friend, if you wait for her then you might be waiting a while, not because they don't like you or your daughter, Life just gets in the way sometimes.

One never knows what is going on in another household. If you feel that you "must insist on reciprocation", by all means, do not contact your child's friends home.

If you simply would like to invite your child's friend for another playdate at your home, don't keep score, just make the call and take it from there.

Blessings.....

Why keep score as to whose turn it is to host? Obviously this is a good friend and playmate. Why ruin a good thing? If you can continue to host, host and quit keeping score. They will have your daughter over again when they can.

Why do you Insist on keeping score like that? It's not that big of a deal.

My daughter has had a lot of friends who have stated here numerous times and have been welcomed to do so. There are a couple of friends my daughter has never visited at their home.

I don't get the big deal. I have a larger house, one child, and it is easy to have children over. Sometimes it is easier for me to host because there are no other siblings to deal with plus it gives the other mom a break to spend time with other children or get something done.

This is the beginning of friendships and many play dates to come for your daughter. Be supportive of your daughters friendships and quit keeping up with each tit for tat.

I live being the one where the children want to come over. It's especially good as they get older because I know what they are doing at my house.

Updated

Why do you Insist on keeping score like that? It's not that big of a deal.

My daughter has had a lot of friends who have stated here numerous times and have been welcomed to do so. There are a couple of friends my daughter has never visited at their home.

I don't get the big deal. I have a larger house, one child, and it is easy to have children over. Sometimes it is easier for me to host because there are no other siblings to deal with plus it gives the other mom a break to spend time with other children or get something done.

This is the beginning of friendships and many play dates to come for your daughter. Be supportive of your daughters friendships and quit keeping up with each tit for tat.

I say keep inviting her child over to your house so your daughter can play with her friend and don't worry so much if they don't reciprocate and have your daughter over to their house.

If they are comfortable with you and like you they will let their child come to your house. Just b/c they don't reciprocate doesn't mean they don't want to be your friend...maybe they are just really busy?

~I personally have a great big dog that is not friendly towards strangers and I have to put him outside when we have people over and I don't like doing it (I do do it, I just prefer not to, especially in the winter) and most of my 'Mom friends' have been to my house at least once to see we are 'normal' people but then after that I am the 'slacker' parent who accepts play-date requests but doesn't *generally* ask for them!

I have always been the Mom who has the other kids over. If my son had a friend, we invited them over. If it was reciprocated, great, if not, we still invited the friend over. I never worried about it. I figured if the friend's Mom was allowing their child to come to my house, it was all good. My son got to have friends over, he was happy, so I was happy. I didn't have to be friends with his friends' parents. Though there was a couple of friends, for several years in elementary school, that he had and all us Moms got along great - so we could have Mom parties while the kids played.

My son is now 15, and ours is still the house where the kids want to come...which is a relief as we enter the terrible teen years.

Anyhoo, long way around the bushes to say - just call the other Mom and invite the child over for a play date.

:)

I don't understand why you have to insist on reciprocation. Your daughter's friend can't reciprocate on her own, so help the girls out and call for another playdate. It's about their friendship, not yours. Who knows what's going on for the other family - maybe they really want to have your daughter over, but there's a valid reason it can't happen right now. Growing up I remember there were some friends who always came to my house, but we rarely went to their house, and vice versa. My oldest has a friend who we've had over several times, and the mom and I get along, but for whatever reason, she doesn't make the effort to arrange for her son to have friends over. Why should my son have to miss out playing with his good friend just because "it's not even." This is a perfect example of the fact that in life, even doesn't always equal fair, and fair doesn't always equal even. That being said, even if the girls aren't able to get together often after school, their friendship won't fade that easily. My kindergartener has had the same school best friend for two years now (they were in preschool together last year) and they haven't had one playdate yet.

I really hope you didn't tell your daughter "if they want to be our friend, they will call us". That seems harsh. Does it really matter where the playdate is, if the girls get along and are having fun? Playdates are hardly ever "even", so if that's what you want and demand out of the moms of your daughter's friends, she may have a tough time keeping her friends. My girls want playdates all of the time. I don't care if they are always the ones asking if so and so can come over. I have rules now. My girls use to ask me in front of the girl and the parent, putting me in a position that I felt I had to say yes. Now, it's no playdates on school nights, homework & dinner on time those nights. No playdates on the weekends, that is family time. Exception being birthday parties. That leaves Friday afterschool. I am usually open to the girls having whomever over on Friday. Some moms are not big on having playdates at their house. It really does come down to that. Honestly you get to see and hear a lot more when the playdates are at your house, so think of it as a good thing. :)

There are tons of personality types out there and you are obviously an equality style. You expect everyone to take turns, you often will remember it like a score. Not a bad thing, it keeps you from being a door mat and a victim of a user type person.

I have a friend like this and it is often annoying because she will call me and we'll talk for a bit then I won't hear from her for days and days. She will tell me she was waiting on me to call her....I work 3 part time jobs, am raising 2 grandchildren, live on a very limited income and am always trying to find new ways of making some money, etc...I often forget to eat, much less take my turn at phone calls.

I think that it can also be a hindrance for the person waiting. If this mom is willing to let the girls play together and all you have to do is call and ask, then I say go ahead and do it.

My advice would be don't keep "score". If your daughter enjoys playing with the girl, invite her whenever you feel like it. You never know what's going on in the other families life, and /or maybe the other mom is just busy or forgetful. In other words, chill.

I guess I'm one of the moms like the one you are talking about. Couple of things to think about from her perspective...

1) I say it, I mean it, I just get busy and by the time I think about it...it is short notice and then I think "well it's too short of notice"
2) The weekends around here are often just as crazy as the week days/evenings. Saturday morning is for cleaning...since we are not usually home a lot during the weekdays and week nights.

Instead what I tend to do is take the kids mini-golfing, bowling, etc. But i've got to schedule it right then and there. And if i don't have my phone with my calendar...it will never get done.

If someone were to insist with my I reciprocate...that would be the end of playdates. She should offer and when she does don't let her say "I will call you...set it up right then and there"...

I don't think she's doing it on purpose...I don't do it on purpose.

I have a mom friend (our sons are great friends) who worries alot about reciprocating . . . and I always tell her not to worry about it! I know it's tough because my son is so limited in what he can eat, so I host many playdates at our house. I truly don't mind, nor do I keep a score.

That being said, we just had a different friend over yesterday who we've been meaning to have for a long time (mom is expecting - and they have invited my son a couple of times). I feel terrible because weeks just flew by after Christmas and we never got around to setting it up. We got a new puppy, started back to homeschooling, and before I knew it we were into February.

So my point is you may not have any idea what the issue is on her end. If your kids do well together, and you can host play dates, by all means do it! At another point in life you may be the one with life issues getting in the way.

JMO.

We do 90% of the calling. It is frustrating, but many moms don't think of playdates.

I tend to be that lacking mother when it comes to playdates. I am busy, which we all tend to be, but I honestly have at least a dozen people to contact just about everyday and have hardly any free time, the free time I have I try to clean the house. My daughter is in kindergarten and the moms all say 'yes lets arrange a play date' but it hardly ever gets done.

You can call to arrange another play date but I think it would be rude to suggest the play date at this other parent's house. That suggestion/invite has to come from the other mother. You can either arrange another one at your house or wait and see what the other mom does. Simple tell your daughter that someday they will have another playdate but not right now, do not get into the it's there turn talk.

It's funny. My sister and I were just discussing this matter. Neither of us are a fan of entertaining guests in our home but are definitely supporters of the whole play date concept. We were taking about feeling guilty for not reciprocating the invite and brainstormed through some alternatives.

I say that to say this... You could never guess the reasons why she has not recipricated. It may or may not be justifiable but you will never know unless you ask the mom directly. Just mention it and give the other parent an opportunity to explain. She may not even realize it.

Long story short... Just talk to her

Can you send a text or an email? I think it is less intrusive - I get busy and so do the other moms we make play dates with. My rule is I call once - we make arrangements or not, my son is simmilar with another boy in school EVERY DAY! He knows we can not do it daily and has gotten better at understanding, but it is still a process. I think you are going about it just fine, be sure your daughter understands because kids can repeat things they do not quite get and I can hear her saying "My M. says you don't want to be my friend because your M. won't call us back" and that could be a nightmare to deal with.

i would absolutely wait.

you don't know these people THAT well - it is possible that they weren't as comfortable with you as you were with them, or they might have been super busy lately, who knows. a million things. but let them come to you.

and tell your daughter no. they're not going to have a playdate right now. hopefully soon. i wouldn't go into the whole "well M. called them now they should call us" part of it. just tell her not right now. another time.

i see from your SWH that you've changed your opinion. good for you! this sort of thing is just so rarely 'fair' that i think you have to give way more weight to the value of the friendship rather than whose turn it is to host.
i know i MUCH prefer to have people here than to go elsewhere. it's just my personality. and yet when i was working and homeschooling i networked madly so that my kids could study, go on field trips and hang out with other kids. i did feel guilty and apologized to all of our awesome friends who totally stepped up to the plate, but things tend to balance out. i reciprocated by offering classes to the community, but did that make it even? who knows?
so glad you're going to call the other mom!
:) khairete
S.

I don't think this would bother me either, especially since you have clicked so well with the mom. We just moved into our house about 8-9 months ago and our next door neighbors have two boys ages 4 and 6 and my son is also 4. They are even gracious about letting my daughter (almost 3) play with them. I just adore their mom. We hit it off right away and I feel like it is such a blessing that we live next to them. However, since school has started we only see each other periodically. The winter has been so unseasonably warm that we mostly get together outside, but I couldn't tell you who has been at who's house more. It is such a lovely group dynamic that I don't care about it! Who knows what the reason is for why the mom hasn't reciprocated. Perhaps she grew up in such a way that that was something that wouldn't even cross her mind. Maybe she feels her house is too messy for hosting "company" on the fly. I do know that my neighbor was self-conscious about not having a perfectly ordered household when we first met, but I finally told her it actually put me at ease because if she ever came to my house and it wasn't perfect, I could relax and just enjoy the company!
Good friends are hard to find. I say invite them into your home as often as you want. One day you might look back and realize what a treasure you found for yourself and your daughter. :-)
HTH,
A.