Not Enough Sex

My hubby almost always falls asleep before I get to bed, but who cares? He is still more an willing to go when I get there and wake him up. Haha, I think I'd still be a virgin if I waited for him to initiate :-) ok, I exaggerate a bit, but really, try not to focus on who initiates and just get to it! I don't think he has ever told me, "I'm too tired," even if he had been snoring away.

OMG! You sound exactly like me! I am sooo tired of feeling unloved and unwanted and tired of initating it all the time! I too am on the verge of thinking maybe i should just leave him and find someone who can give it to me....what is the solution? i dont know....

It sounds like you are describing my husband exactly. I have no advice for you, but I thought I'd let you know you are not alone. Our sex is great it is just way to infrequent for me and he has almost never initiated it. He just has a very low sex drive. I keep asking him to ask his doctor to check his testosterone levels but so far he has not done this. And you are right, it feels rotten to not feel desired.

I am so in the same boat! My husband hasn't initiated sex in years...literally. We probably only have sex once a month...maybe less. When we do, he pretty much just lays there, while I perform all of the foreplay. Its a huge turn off for me, but I don't want to deprive him. Its a crappy place to be, so I'm going to keep up with your posts, and maybe the Mom's out there can help both of us.

I have almost no sex drive. I would be happy having sex about every 3 months. How do I improve that? My husband would have sex every night, and he gets angry at me about that. I know I would enjoy it more if I got compliments from him and if I saw him being a good father to our kids, but that doesn't happen. I don't feel loved by him; I don't feel appreciated; he never makes me feel special. I have explained that to him and he thought the ideas were simply made-up excuses. I go to bed before him and I am always completely exhausted at the end of the day, so I almost never initiate sex. Plus, afterward I have to get out of bed to go to the bathroom and clean up, then I'm wide awake from all the activity and he passes out. If any of you ladies who love sex have some suggestions for me I would love to hear them!

Ohhhhh I have been there. I was with my exhusband for 5 years. The first year our sex life was good. After that first year ended it kept getting worse and worse. It almost felt like he was "done" with me. I completely understand your feelings of being unwanted. Towards the end we were down to 1X a month, and even that was a chore. It became a chore not only for him, but for me. I would do whatever it took to make it enjoyable, pleasurable, to look attractive, to set the mood, whatever it was, nothing ever worked. I felt like it took sooo much effort just to get him in bed with me that it wasn't worth it anymore.
I also remember having conversations about it. He would end up yelling at me, telling me to go BLANK someone else. They can "deal with it". That made me feel even worse. Finially it all ended. I didn't have sex for 2 years after my divorce, I think I needed that break and to regroup my feelings and attitudes about sex in general.
Counseling might help, maybe trying out something new (if you haven't already), all I can really say is hang in there....I know how you feel.

1.) Make sure he is ok, no health issues, testosterone levels are good, he's getting sleep, health, etc.

2.) Get some sex toys for yourself to give you release. It might also perk his interest.

I know exactly how you are feeling. Exactly...

I would strongly urge you to go see a Marriage and Family Therapist. And not only go, but really commit to it for a good while. My husband and I went (or are going ) through this and there are so many issues that have contributed to it. One issue is that my husband does lots of things to show me he loves me, but they aren't really things that open my heart or make me feel desired or loved. I appreciate that he helps with the kids and mows the yard, and those things make us a good team, but they don't make me feel desired. Another issue for us was that we have 2 small kids and home business and he works full time too. We both often feel tired and he is not one to "impose" on others... even me. So in his mind, "I'm tired" translates to, "I'm not in the mood."

We've been together for 20 years... lots of time to grow and change together and separately, and to make assumptions based on history that may not be accurate. It really all boils down to communication and both of you being willing to do individual and couples work.

I was just about through with my marriage, J.. I felt just the same as you do and I wasn't sure that therapy was going to bring us back. I felt so disconnected. I described myself as a roommate too, and I had the conversations you describe about why do I have to initiate. I want to have sex with you, why don't you want to have sex- ever?? When we have sex it's really good, let's do it more often. Nothing changed. I would guess that not only do you not have sex, your husband also does not kiss you often or passionately, or do other little flirty things that would make you feel sexy. Or notice little things about you and comment randomly about how pretty you look.

What I discovered is that my husband desperately loves me. He just needs help uncovering and expressing his own feelings and I need to communicate with him too.

I hope your husband will agree to go to therapy and that you have the good experience with it that we did.

Best of luck to you~

How was it before you had the kids? Was he on you like a fly on sh*t or has he always been a non initiator? My husband is pretty much a horn dog, but he really likes it better when I'm the initiator for some reason. I'm guessing it's because he knows for sure I'm in the mood and he's not going to get rejected, they hate getting rejected, as do we. You might seek councelling or maybe read a few books on the subject. Men sometimes lose their sex drive when their wife becomes a mother... it's like they have so much respect for you that they just dont see you as a sex object anymore. It's some kind of dumb psychosis that's for sure. I'm sure he hates it when you bring it up. Maybe he really is just too drained at the end of the day and it would be better to have sex at some other time or some other location other than home. It's such a touchy subject because of their whole manhood thing. What ever you are doing now isnt working obviously so any advice or tips you get from anyone on here are probably worth a try. I'm sure we will all be reading this ;)

You've gotten a lot of good answers already. I would recommend the book "Intimacy and Desire" by David Schnarch. It's a bit academic and not a quick read, but contains concrete steps that you and your husband can take to balance out the dynamic in your marriage. As you know from how lousy you feel, sex problems aren't *just* about sex. There is so much more involved, and a lot of it reverts back to control, not necessarily on a conscious level.

For example, I am the low-desire partner in my marriage, so by being too tired or not interested, I control when/where/how often we have sex, if we do at all. And because our marriage is monogamous, my husband has no other options (in theory at least) - he's supposed to fulfill his sexual needs only with me, and I don't address those needs as often as he likes. I don't do this with malice, but it puts him in a lousy situation that fuels negative feelings for both of us.

Anyway, that's just a tiny example of the wealth of thought-provoking info in the book. If that doesn't work, then please see a marital/sex therapist. This issue is too big to have to suffer with for years and years and years. Your husband probably has no idea how much this affects your self-esteem and threatens your marriage - even if you talked about it, it's hard to "get it" if you're on the other side and sometimes hearing or reading it from another source will get him to see how serious this is.

i feel your pain, when i was pregnant my husband wasnt comfortable doing it, now this is a man who is up for it any other time, i was more in the mood then than i ever have been.

I totally understand a mans pain now.

THANK YOU for posting this- this could of been me writing this! Loved reading your answers! thanks again, and remember your not alone with this!

I've not had this problem, but I feel for you.

Have you tried mornings? My ex and I had a lot of sex, but it wasn't usually at night - when we were both tired. It was either first thing in the morning, or right after work (the kids learned what "alone time" meant and stayed away from the bedroom).

I wanted to give you a sympathetic response. :)

My husband calls me a "horn dog" (I think it's tacky) but I just tell him that I'm not horny all the time, I am just willing to have sex any time at all, as long as the kids are asleep. I would be perfectly happy doing that several times a day, but have to be content with a few times a week. Sometimes it is most days, sometimes it has been once a week. We both work, he works evenings and takes care of the kids during the days, and yes, sometimes men are too tired. He stays up later than I do, so if I really want something, I go to sleep with little to nothing on so he'll wake me up. :)

During my first pregnancy, and later in my second, we did not have sex as often as we had. I understood he was tired and it was not always comfortable because of my belly, but it totally made me feel bad about myself. He never did (always loving and complimentary) but not having sex initiated with you definitely takes a toll. We have never made a "date" for it, but some nights I'll start talking before we get the kids to bed because I want to catch him before he takes any sleep meds (he has insomnia). They interfere a bit so I have to make sure he waits to take them.

Try putting the kids down early and jumping in the shower together. I can't imagine that not leading into the bedroom. :) Hope things go better soon.

Stress can really affect a guy's sex drive and if he is suffering from low testosterone levels it can be even worse. We're going through this right now as well and I can certainly empathize - not feeling desired sucks. My DH feels bad whenever the subject comes up because he knows I'm disappointed. My best advice is to have him get his levels checked and initiate as often as you can. Good luck!

I don't have any advice. Just know you are not alone. And yeh, with all of the messages we get about how men are "all about sex", it feels lousy.

My wife had never had a dildo. I bought a web cam and realistic type dildos. The Jock Cock and the Kevin Dean. When she tried to initiate sex one nite I went first to the computer and a website that is adult oriented and free. Soon she was topless and nipples hard. I had her in my lap on the computer chair and told her to remove her boy shorts as well. She did and when I went to touch her found she was very wet. She wanted to know why the camera was turned on and I told her she was as well and to lay on the blanket on the floor and I had her to masturbate. She came and actually squirted. I had her to perform oral sex on me and used the other dildo on her and she came again. We do this now each time and she loves her dildos, the web cam, and makes me happy.

Hi J.,

You aren't alone, girl. No way. Even if no one else has the guts to answer this!

Guys can become a little like robots, huh? They get up, go to work, give us a peck on the cheek or lips and kind of just go mindlessly on. This isn't to say guys are stupid, it's just that they do get tired and, I hate to say it, in a rut.

Sometimes, though, they are also like Pavlov's dog. Cues can help. Tangible cues are nice, too, because we don't have to put ourselves out there to be rejected ("Uh, I'm tired...") and they don't have the weird guilt which goes with sometimes really wanting to say no. I also think that guys get weird about initiating sex after a while because we *do* rebuff them from time to time. I sometimes think that some guys are trying to be careful not to feel the same rejection we end up feeling. (And our list is longer, too--they learned a different list of reasons why we aren't into it, especially after we have our kids: too tired, all touched out, boobs are sore, time of the month, cramping, "grumpy at you", "can we just talk and cuddle?"... I think they do internalize this.)

When I say 'tangible cues', I'm thinking of something that you can bring to the bedroom with you, like chocolate. Which is nice, and somewhat of an aphrodisiac. Or trying ( I said 'trying', nothing more) to have a same-time-of-the-week routine so you can say "Oh, honey, you know, it's Thursday night. Any *plans* for the evening?" Wink. Good for those who like their routines. Or try catching him at a time that's not tired. Can you get a babysitter for some time during the weekend, someone who can take your kids out of the house? Sometimes, this can encourage a little spontaneity on both your parts. Picking a moment carefully, and then supplementing with some sort of cue like lingerie (to grab his eye) can also work sometimes. But some of it is about choosing moments when he's more awake, less engaged mentally in work or kids, etc.

I do understand too the struggle with not feeling desired. As my husband says, he isn't any less attracted to me, it's just that he's a guy. He doesn't always think of saying "Hey, that top looks nice on you" or "Tell me how come I'm so lucky to have the likes of you?" I do think that some of it can be tiredness and tunnelvision, going from day to day in same-old same-old routines. I have decided I just have to look nice for myself and like myself enough and if he notices, great. If he doesn't...well...I don't know about this. I think it's probably some sort of GuyBrain/WomanBrain chemistry/thinking that I don't even want to read a book about.

This is a good question and I'll be interested to read other's answers... you aren't the only one!

hello dont think i am a guy but i am only useing my husband email because i cant open mind so my name is shelly and i understan u but allways have in mind guys always want to have sex no matter if they are tired i think a healthy couple have to have sex at least twice a week really they need it and u too so girls take a cool shower put on a nice baby dool or just naked and star getting playful with them

Hi J.,

I looked online. This site has a good number of reasons:
http://blogs.webmd.com/sexual-health-sex-matters/2006/09/...

None of them mentioned depression, just hormonal problems. Both deal with health as one of the Mamas suggested, and I agree.

Good luck,
: ) M.D.