No Patience Left. Feeling like a Bad Mom.

this may sound dumb but i think you just need a REALLY great friend. I feel the exact same. You need a sounding board, someone to come and take the kids, to go to lunch with, maybe even help with the laundry. i had this before we moved and grieve for it now. i was SO happy then. even with colicky babies. -email anytime.

Sounds as if you're sleep deprived and just plain worn out. I can't offer advice but can offer a virtual hug... hope other women can offer good advice.

What everyone else said. You NEED to carve out some time to find peace for yourself, to pray and meditate. That's just as much a part of your self-treatment for depression as anything else. And that's coming from someone who's been on and off antidepressants for 15 years (I'm almost 40). Which means I *know* how hard it is to consider going back on medication, but sometimes it's the only way to stop the downward spiral and start climbing back up.

The other lesson is to GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. This is one I'm still learning as well. Adopt the mantra, "I'm doing the best I can do right now." Tell yourself that OFTEN. It's amazing how that changes your responses sometimes, because it snaps you into focusing on what the best would be in a given situation.

The house is a mess. Okay. Can your kids help? And can you live with a slightly looser definition of clean? Find your level of compromise and stop expecting perfection from yourself.

And finally, most importantly: Christ teaches us to forgive. Which means, when you do screw up (because we all do), you must forgive yourself. At that moment, when you screwed up, you were doing the best you could do at that moment. This is a new moment, and a new chance to do a new level of "best".

Hello,

I heard a good saying years ago - If your plate is too full, take some food off your plate BEFORE you drop it all on the floor.

Positively,
M.

Ok, here's what I see.....
You are normal.
Here's a few suggestions:
1. You may want to revisit your old meds just for a little while.
2. You may need a counselor to talk about all those issues. When you hold it all in, you'll make yourself sick. I know, I did the same thing and got a thyroid disease. Check out a Louise Hay book called "Heal you body, heal your life" or something like that. Love & Logic books (for the kids) are great too. These books are in your library.
3. Take a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course. Once WE got money wise, half the stress went out the door.
4. Take a few deep breaths every hour.
5. Pray. And pray some more.

Well, for crying out loud, don't beat yourself up over it! You're working really hard! Everyone goes through different moods, and it will end eventually, but I think with all the suggestions everyone gave, you can speed the process.

I think your kids are old enough that they should definitely be doing their share around the house. Assign them chores, and if they don't do them, they don't get to do X, or they get an allowance or something - whatever it is that motivates them. Growing up we never got allowances but sometimes my mom would say we could get 10 cents or 25 cents (we could go buy candy at the Circle K with that back then!) if we vaccuumed the house or folded all the clothes - that's one way to do it. That way, you can make THEM clean their rooms/make their beds instead of you doing it, or they can unload the dishwasher, fold clothes, whatever. That should relieve some stress.

I liked the suggestion about finding another adult/mom/friend to just vent to. Maybe you guys could go out to lunch once a week and just let a lot of stuff out. It really helps to talk about stress, and it looks like your husband isn't probably the person you can talk to about it right now. Obviously, your kids aren't either! When you feel like you can talk about your stress with someone you trust, you might be able to get some good advice or figure out good solutions to some of the problems too! Good luck!

Listen, dear heart-- if you were even 1% a crummy Mom you would KNOW that the problem is that your perfection is unappreciated --. I'm not making a joke - unkind parents never feel guilty- . You need to be more selfish right now.
I have 3 questions for you.
1. Are you sure that the going off medicine worked to your advantage?
2. Do you have a structure where your children know what you want of them in terms of their doing chores and cleaning up in age-appropriate ways?
3. Does your husband know how drained you feel??

You can get past this - sometimes selfish is a good thing.

Blessings,
Old Mom
aka- J.

Read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. (The tagline reads - "When to say yes, how to say no, to take control of your life.") I was where you are -- doing everything for everyone else with little to no spousal support. I finally broke. This book was recommended by my therapist. It's written with a Christian focus and references The Bible throughout. It was exactly what I needed then and I continue to refer to it often in keeping my life in balance.

Good luck.

I practice a couple of things to get me through the tough times when I just want to scream. The serenity prayer
(God-0r -Self-universe-great spirit) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference)is very powerful for christians and non-religious people alike. The one breath meditation where you simply refocus for a moment on your in-breath filling your belly and calming your mind and releasing tension on the out-breath, it takes only a few seconds and can be done a hundred or one times a day as needed.
Good luck, hang in there, forgive yourself and keep breathing. Is there any way to get help/ breaks from a friend?

I know you have already gotten a ton of very good advice, and honestly I haven't read all the responses. So this was probably already suggested but... after reading your post the first thing that came to my mind was depression and anxiety. I suffered for a long time this past spring & summer, finally a doctor helped me realize what was going on, I started on medication (which I hated to do) but it IS helping. I feel better, and that makes me feel like a better mom. :) Good luck to you.

You have done an amazing job of holding it all together. It is hard to do what you have done and you should indeed take many deep breaths, breathing in peace and breathing out love.

I have be living with depression for many years and besides medication the two things that help me live peacefully are my Church Community and my talk therapist. I go every week to a group and it helps so much. I hope that things will get better for you.

Blessings

I have been feeling a lot like this lately and struggle with anxiety and depression as well. I appreciate your request, because it helps me to know that we're not in this alone. Others are going through similar things and Satan wants us to believe that we are "bad mommies" and "failures" at God's most blessed job. I started a Praying Wives group a few weeks ago and have been feeling Satan's attacks badly. I'll pray for peace for you, me and all mommies that feel like they're "terrible moms" when the truth is we're tired, burnt-out, attacked moms. God bless!

A.

You need to take time for yourself, re-charge and get some peace. I know the house is awful, I know there is too much to do alone. I know that your husbands schedule is horrible and that is a lot of the issue. (Try rotating shift, 3 days on, 2 off, 4 days on, 3 off, 3 nights on, 2 off, 4 nights on 3 off,.....)
Try taking the kids on a hike, enjoy the change in the seasons talk about how you feel and that you love them, its just that you are a bit stressed right now. Talk about being a team, and that there will be time outs like the walk in the woods. Go to the beach and listen to the ocean and the power of God. Pray. Reach out to friends and have a cup of coffee in a coffee shop or in someone else's kitchen. Realize that you aren't the only one, other moms feel the same way. Get rid of stuff, that makes things more easy to deal with. Cook once and freeze it for quick dinner nights. Share cooking with friends, or arrange to help a friend have a day off, so that you can have a day off.
Talk to your pastor. Talk to your husband. Talk, pray, and cry. Be yourself. Know that you aren't alone, a lot of us moms have either been there, or go there, or are there. WE CARE.

Hi,
I don't have fantastic advice for you, but I'll tell one thing that helped me was joining flylady.org. It's a free site that helps to get your life organized and back together using baby steps. I get frustrated and depressed if I am not able to keep up with my housework and I often find myself taking it out on my family. When I started this program I found myself being able to keep up and take some time out too, so now I feel a lot more relaxed. Check it out and see what you think!!

D.

Oh ,wow.Somebody who is going through the same things as me!!!! My Mom hasn't passed but she lives with me and I owe her 63,000 dollars and I hate to say it but sometimes I wish......My dad lives here too and he's a ignorant drunk (but I love the jerk)My fiance works constantly and I have a 22 year ols son who lives here and suffers from social anxiety,a 21 year old daughter who is drifting aimlessly and a 21 month old boy (no thats not a typo)who has a behavioural issue that we can't figure out.And my mother in law is clinicly insane. I'm so angry all the time but somehow I keep it in.I just put myself in the other persons shoes (especially the little one)and count to 10 before opening my mind or mouth.You also need to get away with your husband once in awhile alone.And if you need to vent on a more personal level my e-mail is ____@____.com name is M..I'm 38,tired and I understand.And no your not a bad Mom.You sound like a pretty tough cookie to me!

Since you are a Christian, I would recommend you read the book Raising Godly Tomatoes (available for purchase or to read online at www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com). It has a lot of great advice that will probably help orient you a lot.

Kids ages 8 & 9 are definitely old enough to do a lot to lighten your load. Of course, you'll need to work on your attitude first, but with the Lord's help once you get that under control, they will probably be more cooperative--especially if it makes you more cheerful and loving toward them!

I can totally relate. I don't know exactly what you mean by "needy, helpless mother in law," but if you don't mean litterally helpless, then you need to set some boundaries with her. First talk to your hubby and let him know how all of this is making you feel overwhelmed. He must be the one to set boundaries with his mom. It is up to you to set boundaries with your alchoholic dad. I don't know what his contribution to your stress is, since he is not there with you, but if there is something you can do or say to ease the pressure his alcoholism has on you, it must be done.

When you catch yourself yelling, STOP! Say, "Mommy needs a timeout." Then, if it is safe to leave your children, go in your room and Pray, count to 100, count your blessings, scream into the pillow, punch the pillow or just lie down and take some deep breaths, or go for a brisk walk around the block and pray, count or count blessings. Remind yourself how much you love your precious children and that whatever the situation is, it is not the end of the world. Then go back out and appologize to your children, ask their forgiveness, and continue on to resolve the situation in a calm manner. Not only will you be relieving the stress now, but you will be teaching your children how to deal with stress, appologize and ask for forgiveness.

Assign age appropriate chores to your children. You should not be picking up their messes. They need to pick up their own stuff. If this is a problem, then get a box and explain to them that if you have to pick it up, you are putting it in the box. There are several ways they can earn the stuff back. They can take turns doing the dishes, taking out the trash, sweeping, mopping, wiping down bathroom fixtures, dusting, etc... Since there are two of them and one of you, make a revolving chore chart. Unless they have a favorite chore that they prefer to do every day. They can then watch tv or play or whatever, after the chores are all done. They can clean their own rooms and make their own beds.

Every morning when you get up, do some breathing and stretching exercises. This will help you to feel less stressed and more relaxed for the day.

Blessings,
J.

I highly recommend going back on the medication for now. I did the same as you - naturopathic, etc. It worked for awhile but then I was overwhelmed, angry, depressed. I talked to my doctor and he put me back on the meds and sent me to a counselor. The sessions helped me to deal with my anger and past issues that I thought were gone. I have been able to lower the dose of meds but know that without them I will go insane. (I have a family history of depression/anger/anxiety and it is hereditary) We went through a period of time when my husband was working 60-80hrs a week while his company was expanding. It is very hard being the only parent for most of the week (that's about the time I went back on my meds). Please be easier on yourself, you're not a bad parent just stressed. I know that you want to spend time with your husband on weekends, but take a few hours to yourself. Also, is there anyway for the two of you to get away overnight? I will keep you in my prayers as I know this is a difficult time for you. Please send me a note if you want to talk to someone who's been there.

Virtual hugs.
P.

It's always the best moms that feel like they are the worst moms. Also, when we are in God's will Satan finds everything to attack us and our children with. He is merciless, horrible and cruel.

I have suffered from severe burnout that resulted in a crash and burn where I had to be hospitalized for 3 weeks (about 20 years ago). My marriage subsequently ended and then I was a single parent to an 8 month old.

Do not allow yourself to get to that point. Take a week off with the kids. Stop the Nanny job. Do SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF before you break. If Mom doesn't take care of Mom, who will take care of the family? Messy house. So what! Go outside - go to a forest park. Look at nature. Pretend you are a child when you are there with no worries. Tell your children that Mommy is VERY tired and needs help. Maybe you can reward them for cleaning house - a day out somewhere perhaps?

Tell your dad that you can't listen to his troubles for a while, because as much as you want to help, you can't. Avoid your mother-in-law if at all possible. Limit contact with her. Tell her you are going through a hard time right now, and need her to back off. The book "Boundaries" is mentioned in one of the persons' emails, and was a great help to me.

You need to figure out what is making you crazy the most, and deal with that first. Counseling is a great idea, but I found prayer had greater counseling than all counselors combined. God really helped me deal with issues and gave me wisdom in a bunch of areas.

You might have to get back on anti-depressent medication. I LOVE naturopathic medication and I almost exclusively go to naturopaths, but it does have its limits. St. John's wort never did anything for me. Acupuncture, however, does greatly help depression - try it. Get a massage - that can be a great lifter. Between prayer and acupuncture, altering my diet I no longer suffer from depression. Yes - believe it or not DIET can greatly contribute to depression - particularly SUGAR! White bread, high glycemic products. They will bring it on for me. Ask your naturopath if you may have Chronic Fatigue - that can cause depression. Chronic Fatigue also contributed to my crash and burn. Check yourself for systemic yeast - that can also cause depression as well as a foggy head.

Depression is NOT something to mess around with. It can be dangerous. It can make you do things you will regret later, decisions you will regret later.

I find when I take long walks in the woods, it helps me to talk to God and feel refreshed afterwards. Sometimes I get away and I cry out to God, pray and cry for a while, and then I get a new perspective and feel much better. Sometimes when I get really angry, I jump onto my bicycle and pedal as fast as I can to get away from everything. Church every weekend helps me to calm down, and so does prayer and meditation on Christ.

You need a friend to talk to. You need some time with your husband away from all of your responsibilities, even if it's going on a bicycle ride somewhere, or taking a walk by yourselves.

God bless you, Katrinacharriere. I will be praying for God's mercy to lift you out of this. By the way, there is an Orthodox Christian web site that is VERY calming ancientfaithradio.com. Looking at this icon of Christ and meditating on it helped me heal a lot as well: http://goarch.org/en/resources/clipart/icondetail.asp?i=3...

D.

Hi Mamma,
I want you to know how wonderful you are. You are doing the work of more than one person. It is super hard when your husband is not able to help out more. I don't know if you could afford to go to counciling, you and your husband together, but it is so wonderful. Even if you just go. You need an outlet. You need someone to help you. I know this because it was just me about six months ago. My husband and I have been seeing a councilor and it has been a major help! You need some friends to talk with. Try going to the gym if you can. This has helped me a ton lately. I think your hasband might hold the key to this. You say he is not home much, and I know that work for him it tough and tiring, but you need his support and his help to be able to feel like you can be you again. You are a wonderful mom. I know this because you are wanting to be better. Take a deep breathe and know that you are great and that you deserve to take a break and have some you time! Hope this might help.. Best wishes
B.

Respondents are correct. We all go through this. BUT your situation is a crisis. If you can't NOT yell, then you are in a psychological and physical crisis.

You need more than a break. You need intervention with professionals.

I can offer you a counselor who takes clients on line. If you can afford $20 for a short session she will take you, for $300 you will get one month of indepth help.

What you are experiencing is a crisis in modern day motherhood. You are shouldering an insane system that requires women be what is almost impossible to be. Our system can make us ill in so many ways.

Please contact me for more information or find a counselor who can help you with your exhaustion and the consequent inability to cap your rage. This is a sign of total physical exhaustion. Do not take it lightly.

Many of have been there. We believe that this IS our life assignment; our obligation to deal with the impossible with a smile on our face. You are not obligated to go mad. Things must change and you need professional intervention.

You are being incredibly strong, so don't even think otherwise. You simply need professional input.

Chris RN

Hi,
A lot of us have been where you are at. You need something. Its called BOUNDARIES! There is a wonderful book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. It is a great book for christians too because it does have some scripture reference in it. You are spread so thin right now and being pulled in many different directions. I am guessing that you don't say no too often to people in your life. I will be giving a talk at the Portland Womens Show on Friday (Oct. 24) at 1pm about establishing boundaries and learning how to say no without feeling guilty. You might really benefit from it. Otherwise, I will be giving the talk again in the next month or so. You are welcome to go to my website and e-mail me and I can let you know when the next speaking event is. You are not alone in your frustrations.
www.moderndaymommies.com

T.

I just want to let you know that you're not alone. I work full time after staying at home for over three years. My husband works part time from home, and he hasn't figured out the housework thing yet. His worthless, needy, addict brother lives with us (and drains us dry too!), and I feel constantly behind, broke, depressed, stressed!

I'm going to start counseling again soon, hope I can at least feel like I have a slight handle on life, it's hard!! Just know that you're doing the best you can with what you have, and that others are having the same issues as you..blessings! :)

You know, I was just going through this the other day, still kinda am. But one thing that I realized in all my pitty is this question.."If I did get a mommy break(which would be nice!)how would I feel after the fact? Would I come back appreciating my kids for two second and then back to mean old mom because I just need ANOTHER mommy break? I see your a Christian :) So what better way than the enemy to come in and lie to you as a mom, tell you how evil you are and that you need to get away FAST! Plus not to mention your hubby, who I assume works very hard for you. My personal advice, seeing as I have three kids of my own (6,3,1) Pull your family in, forgo the chores for a day or two....you aren't going to remember how messy your house looked a year from now, but you might remember going to the zoo with your kids or taking a long walk with them, talking with them and enjoying who they are. Include them too on the house, have them help you clean (but make it fun!). I know that it is all overwhelming, but sometimes when we put aside our frustrations and our pitty-parties and focus on others that we love, it in turn can bless us in more ways than a "mom break" could ever. I hope I encouraged you, I know I must have needed it because I am encouraged too. :) Be blessed Sister and try always to be thankful.

At least you recognize your stress levels are high. Many people ignore it.
As far as the house goes do your kids help keep it clean. They are old enough to help and do some chores.
Sounds like you need time just you and your husband. And maybe a fun day as a family. The next day your husband is off take the kids to the zoo or science museum or hiking depending on what your family enjoys. You all need time to reconnect then maybe you can see things clearly to decide what will destress your life- sharing chores, giving up something, developing a family budget, more exercise (just a few suggestions).

I want you to do a little exercise. Don't call me crazy until you try it, okay? I heard you call yourself a "bad mom"/"horrible mom". I want you to sit down, and write those terms down. Now, define them. What is a bad mom, what is a horrible mom? I think you will find that you are not either of those. So, give yourself some credit. Don't be so h*** o* yourself. Sure, it sounds like you need some "you" time, but that doesn't mean you're a bad mom. That's normal.
After you have defined these terms (and realize they do not describe you at all), take the time to figure out what the issues are. How do you think you are not coming through for your children, etc? And, once you have pinpointed the real issues, make a plan to correct these things. Now, don't go making unrealistic issues to tackle all at once. Be very specific, not only in the issue, but also in the solution. For example, for the children, if one or the other (or both) are not doing well in school, and you are blaming yourself, really stand back and look at the situation. Did you spend time helping them with homework? Did they have a quiet place to study? Etc, etc. For example, for yourself, if you think that you are still having trouble coping with the death of your mom, plan to set aside a certain amount of time (every month, every week, every day-whatever you want) to remember her, and to spend some time with your memories.
I hope my ideas help you out. I don't claim to KNOW anything, just some ideas. Also, I don't know if you've ever seen a therapist, but I think everyone could use a good session now and again...
I'm sure that if you take the time to give yourself credit for all the myriad of things you do on a daily basis, you will see what a supermom you really are!
Take care, God bless.

I know this is going to sound weird but it sounds exactly like I have been feeling. I am not a yeller, having anxiety attacks, which I never had before. I thought I had to start doing meditation or something to help my with my anger and being the mom I knew. Last week I was diagnosed with Hyper thyroid, all of those symptoms weren't in my head they were real. Have you checked your thyroid lately?

Wow, What a name!
So glad that you mentioned being a christian woman. I too have a family (extended) that is constantly trying to take more from me than I have. Every single morning I have to purpose and choose to keep my blood pressure down. To pick which phone calls I am going to answer. To remember that every time I give someone (brothers, sisters, and many others) my energy, that means less for my family. Then, I remember that It's not flesh and blood we stuggle with. So just pray for them to find revelation from the Lord to meet their specific needs, that the scales be lifted from thier eyes. And remember it's not your responsibility to have thier specific answers.
I have had so much advice on how to just cut everybody off. Whatever, as I am sure you know, that's easier said than done. So pray and have faith that God wants you to be calm and reflecting His persoality. Every second of the day if you have to! He promises that we can have His peace. Not meaning that the storms aren't thier, just minus the internal combustion.
My biggest reason being, I don't want that generational baggage laid on my daughters. If the chain gets broken, God promises to restore our children. I guess, I just mean to say, get ahold of God's promises and accept them. Find out what He really says you have to do to receive them and then really do it because of sincerity of heart.
Good luck, I hope I didn't sound preachy! You will automaticly change your attitude with your kids when you can individualize others' problems from "your families" needs.
God Bless, Annie G.

Oh, katrina, i truly believe motherhood is the toughest job ever. please talk to your doctor. seems the naturopathic route may not be enough. you need a break, and that's not a testment to your parenting skills. i think you should feel good that you admit your own limitations and want to make things better. now that's the sign of a good mom. hang in there.

I know where you're coming from. You said that just recently (within two years for people suffering from chronic depression is recent) you had been able to come off meds and use natural remedies and excercise. You may have become depressed again. yes, naturopathic remedies do work, but sometimes not forever. It sounds like withing those two years of coming off the meds have been especially stressful. Sometimes a VERY low dose of what you'd been using is enough to get you back on kilter. Don't be afraid to check it out. I suffer from depression, too. Every time I have it under control I feel confident that it will stay that way, but it has a nasty habit of really silently sneaking up on you. You may not have even noticed any of the classic warning signs because you've been such a busy wife, mother, worker...person =). I know I never notice until it's back and I don't even work outside the home. Good luck. God never gives you more than you can handle =)

You have received some great advice about dealing with the anxiety and depression. I hope you find something that works for you. The kids probably do know what is going on, and they probably want to help. If they didn't care, they wouldn't be walking on eggshells right? Let them help you. Try to do some of the overwhelming housework together as a family. Maybe its a game to see who can get the laundry folded first, or you sing songs while doing dishes. Maybe what you need is a good ol' Hug A War! Try to get creative to make the mundane fun. Maybe, like with newborns, its time to lower your standards a little. Its okay to put yourself in time out. Its okay, as long as the kids are somewhere safe, to treat yourself to a hot shower you can cry in. Its not okay to think you can do it all, all by yourself. At 8 & 9 the kids should be able to help around the house, or at least play/read quietly to themselves while you do the same. Just some thoughts. I'm not trying to be hard or accusatory. Hope it helps. Keep up the good work, and keep praying. The lord will not let you down. God gives us the strength to keep going... "the single set of footsteps was when I carried you..."

You are not alone. I am having similar problems, luckily I have a brother (doting Uncle nearby). We had a realy bad week (my husband and I) and my brother suggested shaking things up a bit...even a little. My daughter is my life, but his suggestion was to get out of the house maybe one evening a week. I went to a movie last night alone (all my frends are moms, who has time to go out on short notice?) and I felt miserable...for about half the time. What it did for my family was give Robert the chance to spend time alone in the house with his duaghter, and be able to read to her and put her to bed. I don't know if your answer will come from me. But know that you are not alone in this struggle for balance and happiness.

Hello! It sounds like your cup is empty! You can only give so much without any reprieve, before you are going to burn out. Yes, it sounds like you are operating as a single parent, which is incredibly hard I imagine. To add some depression in there, it is not a good combination. Do you have friends whom you can share some baysitting? And you can get an evening/afternoon to yourself every now and then? There are many mommies groups in the area, where you can get a break (I lead one at my church...Compass.... on Wednesday mornings...let me know if you are interested). In any case, we are not meant to do this parenting thing alone...I really believe it is too much for one person, without some kind of help. I am sure you would become a more patient mommy if you had some breaks! Also...have you heard of Cafe Sip-n-play? It is in Vancouver, off of 164th, and is a great place to take your kiddos, and you can sit and enjoy a drink or lunch or read a book while your kids play. I think it is $3/child for unlimited play time. Hang in there my friend, and remember, His grace is enough. You can begin each day over again, a new slate! May the Lord bless you.

Everyone goes through times like these. Try and find time to spend in the Word. Being fed and taken care of is a hard step for mom's to take, especially with so much going on. You feel dry and that everything is getting sucked out of you, right? There is only one thing that will fill that void. An ongoing, fulfilling personal relationship with Christ. That means prayerful time studying and meditating on His Word! He says that He is enough for us, and I believe it! Also, find time for some girlfriend time. Even a phone call helps!