For almost five months, I've been lucky enough to be the stepmother of the most beautiful and intelligent 9 year old girl, Makayla. She and I were good friends the entire time her father and I dated but we seem to be having a breakdown in our relationship as I shift roles from dad's girlfriend/my friend to stepmom. She listens to me about half as much as she does her father (who she idolizes and never ignores/lies to, both of which she does repeatedly with me). I understand it's normal for a child not to listen, but she is incredibly smart and I see her constantly doing things that are out of the ordinary responsible and adult-like. So why we're having this listening/lying issue is beyond me. She openly admits that she doesn't listen to her mom at all unless she wants to and I just don't want her to get into this pattern with me. Unfortunately, we only have custody of her every other weekend, summers, and holidays. How do I increase the trust in our relationsip and still discipline her behavior when we only have her for short periods of time? Sorry for the long version, but I'm still new at this (parenting AND posting)! Thanks!
Children need discipline and love. Since she is a smart girl, sit down with her and discuss the issues of not listening, lying, etc. Explain that these things are not acceptable and a punishment will follow when it happens. You can even let her help decide what the punishment will be. Reward her when she is good. You need to be firm and punish/reward everytime!! She will respect you for following through. Good luck.
As the step mom, you really can't expect to be effective on weekends and holidays. I know that it's hard, but in my opinion, you should leave the discipline to her father. I know that you want her to change her behavior, but the best way that you can make this work is to talk to her, and if she does the lying thing, than you can let her father know and let him take control on this, but make it a point to do this as a supportive wife and a friend to her, not a parent, because as much as I'm sure that you love her, you are not her parent. I'm hoping that this doesn't come across rudely, it's just that I am a step mom to an 18 year old and a 15 year old. I've had to learn the hard way. I really wish you the best and know that you will do fine.
When I was about 9 my dad starting dating a 19 year old. She was the first one I met after my mom and dad split. Although there is a bit more difference in your ages, I can relate. Early on she was nice to you because you were young so you were much cooler than mom...as you may know moms are NEVER cool especially to a tween/ teen. I am guessing she never looked ahead to the fact that someday you would be more of a mom figure than a friend figure. Also, you are trying to steal her dad (at least that is how it felt to me.) She is supposed to be the girl he loves, not you. Sometimes kids feel like love is a finite thing and that if dad loves you then it must be taking some of the love from her. I think you need to explain to her that love can grow and that dad doesn't love you any less. Good Luck.
Hello T.. I am with you 100%; my oldest "step" daughter will be Eight next month. I don't know if this helps or not, but my personal feeling is that you need to talk to your husband about it first and then the TWO of you need to talk to her. I say this not only from having "step" children and from being a "step" child (growing up we had a family; no steps except for the stairs) :) I think it is important for you to not only be her friend that she trust, but for her also to respect you as a parent figure in her life. Also, I don't know if you have any other children or not, but I have noticed that I personally don't tell our oldest two (or the baby) "I love you" as often as I tell our 4 y/o and I think that became a problem for me with handeling the older two. I believe all children need and want to be loved and adored on; no matter who the relationship is with. Be firm with the discipline and loving and be "buddies". Now, if you figure out how to occomplish that, please share b/c I have been trying to get it all figured out with mine for years now. And it does get easier, especially if your husbands has your back. Best of Luck!
I went through this with my son, now 12.My advice to you is to unite with her mother if possible.You should NOT have to do this alone.Together things will get easier. You will have to learn where your boundry lines are.I also went through this with my step-son!!! Not an easy task. The mom was not easy to work with!!Good luck to you and your family.
According to Dr. Phil, it is not up to step-parents to discipline...only the biological parents should do the disciplining. Since you see her so little, I would work on listening to her and being a mentor to her, praising and encouraging her about the good things that she does and forget the displinarian role. Frankly, you are also too young to have a 9 yr. old unless you had a baby at 14...so just be her friend. Let her know how much you love and care for her and her dad. Leave the discipline up to her dad and mom, even if it's not perfect, and never talk badly about her mom (or other concerns re divorce, etc.) around her. She is simply upset with the situation and will adjust to it in time, learning to love you as a second mom. Good luck!
L. ;-)
Being a stepmom of 13 years, I have to disagree with the fact that the stepparent is not suppose to discipline. As long as the child is in your home, you are part of the discipline. Her dad will definitely have more say, and when you speak up, your husband must sit and agree to enforce the discipline. Since she does not listen to her mother, she may feel the same way with you. You must show her that you are not her mother and you do not take her rudeness the same as her mother does. This may take several years to implement, sorry, but down the block, your stepdaughter will see that you are doing what you do because you love her. I know. My stepdaughter fought me for 10 years, but now she is seeing what I did and is implementing the same practice with her children. Good luck!
I'm sorry your having this problem, unfortunately I am going through it as well, but can't give you any advise because I don't know what to do anymore myself. The only difference is that my husbands daughter lives with us and goes to her mom's house every other weekend. So I really don't know why she "can't remember" everyday house/family rules. She starts doing better for the most part, but when she goes to her mom's for the weekend, when she comes back shes like a different child, and remembers nothing from the week here. I really don't understand it and its very frustrating. We are aware that at her moms house they dont enforce any rules and responsiblities. This can't go on any longer, im afraid this is confusing her and will harm her when she is an adult. Please let me know if you have any help for this, and I will do the same . Thank you!
I'm a stepmom too and there is no right answer. Some say discipline, some say don't. It really depends on your dynamics and what works for YOUR family. Your husband has an huge role in this and how your stepdaughter will respond to you and potentially, her mother too, depending on what is said about you in her home (if anything.)
A good site for stepparents is steptogether.org. There is a whole gammit of women who are dealing with issues like yours and beyond. That site has helped me keep my sanity. The other advice I would give is go see a counselor with your husband. They might be able to give you ideas on how to deal with your stepdaughter.
You didn't say how long ago the divorce was, but remember between this and the marriage, her life is changing too. She may just be taking advantage, but she also may still be dealing with fallout from the divorce.
hi! im not sure if my info will help you out but its wortha try. ok i was once the step daughter! did you just move in together?that may be the reason. has anything changed in the home other then the wedding?? maybe you can sit her down and find out how she feels about the situation. if that doesnt work, well do you have the right to discipline her how you would like? maybe the role of friend needs to be put on hold and step up like a mom. i didnt like my dad wife so i would not listen to her. you need to nip it in the butt now. or it will get worst!! i dont know what its like to deal with a 9 yr old so i dont know what its like. i hope what i said will help in some way. best of luck to you!!!!
Yes, you will run into these things having the "step mom" title. #1, she is hitting a rough age. As for the lying, you simply need to get through to her that lying only makes the situation worst. She needs to understand. #2, she is going to test her boundaries with you. She sees it as, you aren't her mother. Let her know where you stand. You can't always be the friend. I learned that the hard way. She needs to know you are an authority over her and that is that. As for the short time you have her, yes, it is hard to come up with proper punishment. Here is an idea of something I do with my own children. We do positive reinforcement in our home. We have tickets, a treasure chest, and a chart. you decide what is to be on that chart. Each time they follow the chart or when you catch her doing something positive, give her a ticket. At the end of the day, you let her pick something from the treasure chest. Put simple little things in the chest. Candy, trinkets, etc. Now if she is wanting something big, well you decide how many tickets that is worth and she can save her tickets for it! NOW, if she lies or misbehaves, well then you take a ticket away from her. This may help you! Good luck
