Need Help with Mother-In-Law

It s to bad MIL do not come with a handbook!! Just from reading posts like this I know how to be a great MIL. I do not like my MIL ether, she was not nice to me in the begining. Always with a remark about me or my kids. My husband never heard her remarks because she never did it while he was in front of him.

All I can say is that you have awesome advice here. I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving!

People can only tear you down if you let them. Are you a good mother? I bet you are. Are you a good wife? I'm guessing, yes. Are you happy and content in your marriage and life? Are things going well, generally? In good health generally? Have friends who you like and who like you? Yes to all of the above? Then what should it matter what your MIL thinks or says. Let it roll off your shoulders. Have confidence in yourself and ignore her passive/aggressive comments. Say things like "hmm...I guess that's ONE way to do it" and simply continue doing thing ANOTHER way, YOUR way.

I actually speak from personal experience. My MIL was quite similar early in my marriage and when my kids were quite young. She REALLY tried to boss me around. I stopped listening to her, grew a thick skin and started asserting myself more. Now 18 years into my marriage, SHE comes to ME for advice. SHE asks ME how I roast my salmon so perfectly. SHE cries on MY shoulder when she's feeling down. She has come to see me as someone she can rely on and trust, instead of someone she can push around.

It could have easily gone another way. I could have let her bring me down. I could have started believing her when she'd drop little comments and hints about how I was "doing it wrong". But I didn't.

And you shouldn't either. Have confidence in yourself and she'll see that you're someone to admire, not dismiss.

I can totally relate to the "that's just Mom being Mom" comment. My MIL, bless her heart, is very opinionated. She's always telling us what she thinks and how she did things differently and how we're doing this wrong or that wrong.

My parents are very reserved. I mean, they are talkative, but they never give unsolicited advise. We've been married for 7 years, and I can only think of 2 times when they've ever given us unsolicited advise. Huge contrast!

When my MIL gives advise, I used to always take it to heart. That's what I would do if my parents gave advise, right? I take it extremely seriously. My husband and his brothers and sister pretty much ignore my MIL. Took me several years to realize that she's probably so opinionated because they never listen to her. She's like the teacher in Charlie Brown, "Wa, wa, wa, wa." Maybe if they listened to her once in awhile she wouldn't feel the need to give her opinion so much. Or maybe if she gave her opinion a little less often they would listen.

I think what your husband is trying to say is, don't worry so much about what she says. Sounds like she could use a filter, but she probably doesn't mean it as harshly as you are hearing it. Maybe she doesn't even realize that you take her comments personally.

Sometime when things are quiet, tell your husband how you feel and that it would mean a lot to you if he would stop dismissing your feelings. He's probably not going to say anything to his mom, and that might be ok. But he needs to accept the fact that this is how you feel and do a better job of reassuring you.

She probably is just being Mom and doesn't realize that her words are hurting you. If you asked your SIL, I bet she'd be able to come up with a list of things your MIL says about her that make you look like the favorite.

Try not to let it get to you. It's probably just the way she's always been.

Your MIL reminds me of my mother. She delegates, but micromanages; she is opinionated and voices her constant commentary, and feels shielded by the fact that what is saying is true, without giving thought to the fact that it can be hurtful; she often makes comparisons; and she is manipulative. At the end of the day however, she is my mother, and she is the only one I have; so I've learned to deal with her. Slowly, but surely, my husband has as well.

My MIL is no cake walk either, she is full of negativity, and is a back seat driver. Her way of laughing things off is to say "its a disaster" and "I'm going to panic" for the smallest mistake and infraction. Gets my blood pressure going, even though she does it in jest. She gets on my husband's last nerve and mine. Again, though, it is her way. She is my husband's only mother, and he has learned to live with her, and I will as well.

Your hubs is right, she is just being who she is. Only she can decide to make a decision to change her own behavior towards you.

You have choices. You can confront her, and hope for change, and be prepared to deal with the lack thereof; or you can change your attitude. Let it roll off your back.

For some concrete suggestions-
1. If you are called on to help for dinner, prep dishes at your own house. Two cooks in the kitchen. . . .
2. If she brags on your SIL, concur that she is lovely, and is indeed a good mother etc. Don't be contrarian if you have no reason to put SIL down.
3. If she says something untowards about your kids, be sure to quickly and quietly discount it out loud in front of your children, both of them. i.e. Baby is tearing up a magazine. MIL says what a horrible child. You say, baby is not a horrible child, or its hard work being a baby, let's put that magazine away.
4. As for your weight, and appearances, steel yourself with the thought that you are still the apple of your husband's eye. If it really gets under your skin, say so.
5. It might surprise you, but she might be bragging on you to your SIL.

Your own words really resonated with me. "I just want to feel like a part of the family without being criticized." Seems like the family dynamic includes being criticized. Looks like they are no longer on their "best behavior" and are treating you like family (for better or worse).

Good luck to you and yours, and best wishes for a happy thanksgiving.
F. B.

You've gotten several excellent responses so far - I especially agree with Gidget and Kristen C.
I would like to throw out there another way to respond. When your MIL makes a comment about your weight, respond in a neutral tone, "I know you think you are trying to help, but I'm not going to be discussing my weight any more." If she persists, repeat, or walk away. Same response for anything that you are tired of hearing from her - "I know you think you are trying to help, but I'm not going to discuss [fill in blank] any more." Hopefully, she will get the picture and will back off (at least a bit). She may think you are over sensitive or the bad daughter in law, but you are an adult and have the right to decide with whom you are going to discuss personal topics. She has not earned your trust or friendship, so you are not obligated to discuss things about your life with her.
Also, when she gushes about your other SIL, perhaps remark in a neutral, sincere tone, without sarcasm, "yes, SIL is great. You are lucky to have such a great daughter-in-law." This simply calls her on the fact that you know she is trying to manipulate you, and that it is not working.
Best of luck.

she wants you to come for Thanksgiving. She is just a human who doesn't realize she is hurting your feelings. Go if you can and forgive her.

I would really think about it long and hard about letting my MIL split up my family for Thanksgiving! No way would I do that! It would be cutting off your nose to spite your face!

Go late after dinner is already cooked--but in time to eat. Wake up late. Give your hubby an early morning Thanksgiving gift that will put him BACK to sleep (hint, hint) and will make him in such a good mood that when she admonishes his lateness--he will smile it all away...

Good luck

Unlike Zena, I don't think your hubby should stand up and defend you. All that would do is make a mountain out of a mole hill. The whole family would end up in drama.

To me, she hasn't really done anything that bad. BUT I'm not the one in the kitchen being criticized. She did admit that she realized she was a bit overbearing when she spoke to your hubby. She doesn't have any daughters so she's probably not used to someone else in her kitchen cooking with her. It does take time and a LOT of patience. Just wait until your children are old enough to want to "help" in the kitchen. You'll have a better understanding then.

And I get that she likes the older child better, but I am willing to bet it's not because of how she looks. I also prefer the older, more independent and self-sufficient children to the babies. I am more than happy to look at the baby, give him/her a kiss and MOVE ON! I would much rather be talking to and playing with older kids who can talk and play with me the way I want to talk/play! LOL! So, get over the appearance thing and wait and see - I bet she becomes more interested in the baby as he/she grows out of the baby stage and into the toddler stage.

And it doesn't sound like SHE'S comparing you with your SIL, but you are doing that in your own mind. Every time she says something nice or that she likes about your SIL, you immediately get defensive because it's not something you do. Like the make-up, you are offended and think she has put you down because she talks about like the fact that your SIL doesn't wear make-up.

Stop being so sensitive and let these things roll off your back. You are causing yourself all kinds of unnecessary stress. Once you get your head in the right place, i.e., who cares what she says; you are happy with yourself and your family, then these things won't bother you so much. I suggest your self-esteem and self-confidence are taking a hit at her hands. Read books and do whatever you have to to boost your self-esteem and self-confidence so things like that can slide right off your back!

The directly telling me how to do stuff I would just let roll off. It's the passive aggressive stuff like how she chooses to compliment sil, and your oldest, that really bother me. I think she has a pretty low self esteem and putting other people down is how she makes herself feel better.

I had a mil and FIL like that. I hung in there like I was as good as they were if not better! My FIL and I grew to appreciate each other. My mil is much worse now than ever.

You need to grow a thick skin and a blunt way of communicating. Call her on her insults. "Why, mil, were you insinuating that you are disappointed in the way I ..." or work into the conversation "I really don't like it when people judge other's by their weight."

You are deserving of a holiday with your family. Go be all you are and let 'um lump it!

I'm so sorry, A..

I fault your MIL, for sure. But really and truly, I fault your husband. He is not being much of a husband allowing his mother to treat you this way.

It's one thing for him to put up with her treating him like a child. But you are not him.

I would keep the baby home and not go. Let the sh*t hit the fan. Say everything you feel. She needs to stop this stuff.

Sometimes you have to give a consequence. She needs to learn a lesson. Teach her by not going and then be absolutely 100% honest and don't leave anything out.

Good luck,
Dawn

my ex;s mom often did that kind of stuff. I used to let it get to M. and then I realized...Ehhh we're all flawed.

The kitchen stuff I think you were too sensitive on
as for her talking about your wieght and making you feel bad I would ask your husband to listen for it and defend you to her nicely...he should say I think she is beautiful and she J. had my baby

also maybe he can call and tell her to lay off of it

i'd go..its only one weekend. she;s not evil J. rude and it is your husbands family. i wouldnt think any of the things she;s done are enough to write her off.

Please don't separate your family over this! It's not fair to you, your husband or the kiddos. Is it possible to prepare whatever dishes you are responsible for @ home and take them? Then you can tell her that you know how your dishes need to be handled (temp, cook time, etc.) so you will take care of those. I'm thinking that might keep you out of the kitchen (and out of the fire so to speak LOL) some! Your husband does need to man up a little and ask his mother not to be so critical of you. And he needs to make sure it comes from HIM, he should NOT make it sound like he's parroting you. He can be kind. Something like, "Mom, I think you are being a little overcritical of A.. She's my wife and the mother of my children you know. I love her and I would like to think you do too." When she says "Of course I do." He needs to respond with, "Then please treat her like you do." If that doesn't work, turn some Xmas carols on, play with your kids and tune her out!

Oh my heart goes out to you. Have you thought about writing your MIL a nice letter explaining how you feel. I would try that before you decide not to do Thanksgiving with them. Being honest is the best way to go on this one. She is just going to get offended if you stay at home and skip out and it really isn't going to solve the problem at the end of the day.

Good luck!

Hi, A.:

Your statement: "She makes me feel like I'm not good enough."
Let me say this: "You make yourself feel like you are not good enough."

With that being said, you haven't learned to NOT take things personally.
How do you learn to do that? I don't know.

One thing I do Know, you have to confront your MIL.

You stated that she called and talked with your husband to tell him that she never had a daughter and knew she had upset you. You reported you let it go that she didn't talk to you.

You need to call your MIL and tell her that you were offended by her talking to your husband and not to you. Ask her is she wanted to apologize to you?

What you wrote in this post, you need to tell her because what you wrote in the post is exactly what your MIL did with your husband about you.

In both instances, it is called gossip.
Break the cycle.
Good luck
D.

p.s. Contact www.coda.org and find a support group near you and attend.

You are letting her get to you. Don't let her. AS for Thanksgiving just start your own tradition with your family. Get yourself invited to one of your siblings inlaws house. That way you can say sorry we already are going here. Tell your husband this year lets go away for thanksgiving and go here or you know the kids are old enough why dont we start our own tradition. Men don't get it and wont get involved. You wont win between him and his mom so you need let it go some how. My MIL use to come into our home and change our furniture around. And when I complained he would say she has done so much for me that I didn't think it was an issue. So basically it was his house and I was the guest in a way. You cant win. Eventually we ended up getting a divorce and separated. It really showed an underlining disrespect from him and his side. But if you can find another place to go and he is willing then maybe you can work it.

It's time to start drinking. LOL Just kidding...sort of. Your MIL sounds very difficult. Mine is nice and stays out of the way, but she has some annoying habits and I believe she has OCD and ADHD big time. My MIL is very critical of people but luckily keeps her opinions to herself for the most part. If she has a problem with something I'm doing, she keeps her mouth shut. I'm not sure which is worse- a MIL who tells you everything you are doing wrong or one that rolls her eyes or looks uncomfortable when she doesn't agree with you.
My MIL used to favor my older son over the other two for the longest time. It drove me crazy. I so wanted to say something to her. She's very sensitive so I have to be careful not to criticize her. Luckily, it's gotten better.

My Dad passed away a few years ago and my Mom and sister live many states away so I know what it's like just dealing with the inlaws.

First of all, stop caring what she says, or next time she criticizes you, give it right back to her in "I'm just trying to help sort of way." Be confident. She doesn't like your makeup. Tell her it's fabulous. She doesn't think your thin enough. Ask her to buy you a gym membership to Christmas if it bothers her so much. Or say, "my weight bothers you, then drive here, watch the kids for me, so I can exercise for an hour." She talks about how great the other daughter in law is- Say, "well, I hope you feel the same way about me because I love you." That should stop her in her tracks. Stop caring part is not easy and sometimes my inlaws still bother me. Just ignore her. Let her comments just roll off your back. Pretend you don't hear them. Another approach would be to compliment her often and see if she can reflect your positive attitude back to you. Only be around her when necessary, don't involve her in family activities if she annoys you.

word of advice, get and keep this wonder ____@____.com of a mil away from you and yours, if your husband doesnt like it, tell him to grow a pair! dont take your kids over top see her, i dont care if she is summoning you for the queen mother. you will save yourself a ton in therapy bills if you just dont bother with her..been there, done that
K. h. my mil was exactly like yours, i dont like the way you...cook, eat, walk,talk, drive, do dishes, there was not one thing that she liked about me and she never let me, or her sons forget it, and when she died, i threw a party, people came.

This is such a tough thing to deal with and the holidays really bring out the worst. My best advice, based on experience, is to find a way to deal with it for the sake of your family. Your husband, however, must step up and defend you or take your side. It makes all the difference.

Okay...I know this is really long and I hope you were able to read it all:) The bottom line is, it will end for you, too, eventually. Don't say or do anything that you might regret. It isn't worth it. Let your children see the best person you can be. If she mentions your weight, say something like, "Good thing your son loves me like this!" If she is partial to one child more than the other (my MIL did it with mine, too) say, "Aren't genes awesome? Your son really loves how our genes combined so uniquely with these 2 ." I would find a way to mention over and over how much your son loves you and your children. Encourage him to tell her that, too. Or at least to hug and kiss you in front of her! She needs to know that he loves you just the way your are and that you are the BEST thing that could have happened to him. In the kitchen, you might just say..."Tell me exactly how you want me to make this. I might screw it up if I do it my way!" Just act like you need her guidance. She might need to fell needed. You know you can cook and feed your family!

Here is my story if you care to read it...My MIL was horrible. They don't get much worse than her. She had 10 children. One was killed when he was only 12 and she never recovered. She was miserable from that moment on and she ruined her 9 other children's lives in one way or another for the next 28 years. Honestly, I don't blame her for being miserable. I can't even imagine the pain and anguish she went through but she did whatever she could to hurt others. It made her feel better if others were sad. I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years. At least once a month she went to the hospital for something. She kept her children in a state of worry and fear. She indirectly encouraged drugs and alcohol as ways for the children to cope (i.e. giving them money even when she knew what they would use it for; made excuses/lied to police to try to get them out of trouble, etc). If they were doing well, she tore them down until they failed and would say, "See, I told you that you couldn't do it." We pulled away early in our marriage because my husband did not want our kids to see his mother's behavior. She always blamed me that he pulled away which meant all the in-laws blamed me. There was a verbal argument every time the family got together with foul language and doors slamming, etc. It actually made my MIL smile. She nagged at me for breast feeding, home schooling, for not wearing make up (she actually asked me in front of everyone why I didn't try to look nice!!!), for the color of my skin (I am very pale with freckles), you name it...and she did it in front of everyone! I would remind myself that if she were busy making fun of me, then it gave the other in-laws a break from her negativity. Two years ago we moved away completely.

Earlier this year, she came to visit us for the first time. She had been sick again and her children were sort of passing her around because no one wanted to care for her. Of course, she was horrible. Telling me every night that the food I cooked was, "nasty." My 13 year old son cooked an awesome meal one night and she kept saying she couldn't eat it because it was nasty. I nearly killed her with my bare hands. I just encouraged my son in front of her and later told him to be respectful and know that not everyone likes everything. What do you do? We never let her get the better of us and we just cooked and cleaned and did whatever she needed. It was clear that she was ill; we didn't know how ill. I had already lost my father 17 years before and having helped care for him taught me to be kinder to older people especially when they are sick. It took all the strength I had but I did it for my husband who is very good to me and our 3 kids. I did not do it for her.

But...in the end she died 26 days later, back in March. It was all over and she left a lot of sad people behind. We have no regrets. My husband had told her several years ago that the most important people in his life were his wife and children...the family he created...and that she was second to all of that. It nearly did her in but she needed to hear it, he needed to say it. She didn't treat me any kinder but it never seemed to matter as much after that because at the end of the day, he chose me over her and told her so. And she knew she had to deal with it. Over the years we would visit from time to time but only for a couple of hours...no more all day visits. He still loved his mother (he made sure she knew that) and was nice to her. He would often tell her that he would come around more if she would stop the craziness but she just couldn't do it.

GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!