Dealing with In-law Manipulation

If it doesn't work for you....nicely say I am sorry we can't do that. You don't have to have a big explanation....just no I am sorry. Don't accept any guilt. Just no, I am sorry. Be a broken record.

I hate being manipulated. We found that my husband needs to do all the arrangements or his MIL goes into b(%* mode. We are having a dinner on x to which you and x,y, and z are invited. If you come, please bring a desert.
He had to reexplain dozens of times before she understood we meant business. We spent a few (nice) holidays alone.

No, you don't sound like a huge jerk to me. You sound entirely reasonable.

IMHO the only thing you need to improve is your ability to set clear BOUNDARIES.

"No, we can't join you for lunch then weeding. We spent our free time last weekend working on Mom's yard. Sorry!"

"No, we can't afford to go in on a new driveway for mom. Sorry!"

"No, we can't pick up the disabled relatives 40 minutes away - we will be too busy preparing to host everyone at our home. If you can get them here and back home that will be great; otherwise, we'll have to see them another time."

I'm telling you - the only thing people like this understand is "NO." If they don't like you for it, oh well. They probably don't respect or like you anyway. So you might as well get what works for you! Maybe that's why FIL got out of that mess.

JMO.

I do not think you are being a jerk. I was getting more and more irritated at your in-laws as I was reading your post.

I think it is time to take care of YOUR family. It is impossible to make everyone happy with holiday plans.

Your MIL and SIL sound very passive-agressive. That, IMO, is one of the scariest traits/behaviors a person can exhibit. Keep your guard up!

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this nonsense. I was going through a lot of extended family nastiness earlier this year. We moved 1000 miles away for my husband's job and got to leave the nastiness behind. Hooray!

Good luck! And remember, take care of you and yours!!

Sounds like they are using ya'll. Put a stop to it. Say no. Start using the same excuse, I'm sorry but we're too busy. Do what you can on your schedule and help only when you see it is actually needed. It's a two way street. Have thanksgiving at your home as planned and if they want to join, then fine but if not that's okay. Focus on your husband and kids. It's their loss not yours. Tell your MIL that you will not be able to pick up that SIL and BIL because you WILL be busy getting Thanksgiving dinner done. Besides, where's the common sense in asking the host to pick up someone like that when they are busy getting things ready??? You have the power in your hands. Do not let them manipulate you. When your SIL calls all "apologetic" and claims to miss ya'll so much and wants to get together, tell her, I'm sorry but after spending last weekend over at MIL house doing this and this, we are not only exhausted but we have things of our own here to take care of, so I'm sorry we are too busy to get together right now. That way you are shutting her down on all fronts. There are ways to handle this without coming across as a B*tch. Stand firm. They will continue to do this until you put a stop to it. Good luck!

I think it's time you came up with a tradition of your own. My MIL used to make me feel guilty about coming to her house for Thanksgiving and xmas. I am from a large family and she would get upset if we went to my moms.She would say, "You ruined my Thanksgiving." I went with this until I had a baby of my own. I got so tired of loading him up on xmas and going to her house. He wanted to stay home and play with his toys but she threw such a fit we had to go. Then I got smart. I decided I was going to do EXACTLY what I wanted to do and if no one liked it....tough! I started cooking for Thanksgiving for my family and if someone wanted to come...fine...On Thanksgiving evening we would go to both sides for pie. Christmas was spent with my husband and son...It was relaxing and fun. Christmas eve we made the rounds to give MIL and family their gifts. I told my MIL, "There was a time when you broke away from your mother to start a tradition of your own and now that I have a son I will be doing the same." That was it...wa wa...lol Good luck! Same with mother's day....I became a mother and took care of mine and my husband took care of his...

I get the feeling if they couldn't use you they wouldn't be calling you at all.
Just don't play anymore.
If they propose something you do not want to do, say no, say you're busy, say some other time.
You are having Thanksgiving at your home.
Their choice is to come or not, and if they are not - their loss.
Disabled relatives can find another ride or maybe they WANT to be in their own home for their own holiday.
I really think it's healthy to break away from mass family gatherings sometimes and establish your own traditions.

Tell them that if they want to pick them up, then they should do it as you can't be in two places at once. Keep it simple. Don't offer a long explanation, that is just room for them to keep up with the guilt trips. i have learned to say no politely, and leave it at that when dealing with my in-laws, or other people who continue to pressure and ask for things, etc. Its the only way to avoid conflicts, hurt feelings, and guilt.

If you're having it at your house, you are the host, not a chauffeur. Have your husband, tell your MIL that you and he will be too busy preparing for the day to drive to pick up and take home the other inlaws. Sorry - you and your husband call the shots that day since you are hosting, not her. If she and the SIL cannot come, oh well, their loss. Invite your FIL and your family and be done with it. You obviously cannot please this woman, and it's time you stand up for yourself and stop being manipulated by her and the SIL. You have that right ya know? :) Good luck and enjoy your holidays YOUR way.

Oh and by the way - do not go into debt to pay for a new driveway. Politely tell the SIL that you simply cannot afford to go in with her given the nature that it is not a priority or necessity, and that the unstable economy does not allow you to afford it. End of story - no changing your mind.

These are your in-laws, so I'd make my life simple and have my husband deal with his own family! I wouldn't commit to helping out in any way - you issue your invitations and let the cards fall where they may. Take care of you, your spouse, and your kiddos - thats the priority. :-) I know its easier said than done, but I really would even stop answering the phone. Let hubby talk to his family and work things out. Good luck!

I'd stop worrying about them and just worry about yourself. Your SIL sounds like a selfish *****. I'd just ignore her. Do what you want to do, and when they try to get you to do stuff you don't want to do, just say, " I am so sorry but that won't work for us."

Hmmm, I think I would tell them that since they have made other plans and are not coming to your home, that you decided to invite the FIL over for the day. Then do so.

Then stay home, cook your dinner, and enjoy the day with your FIL and family.

It may be time to gently put your foot down with your in-laws and forge ahead with your own plans.

Good Luck

I have learned a phrase that has saved me from more than one knock down-drag out with the inlaws. It goes a little something like this:

"You'll have to talk to Mark. I'll have him call you when he gets home."

Then, when my husband comes home, I give him the scoop, adding in all the reasons the current idea is the stupidest suggestion I have ever heard and all the ways it is (not might, but is) going to go horribly wrong. He, thereafter, calls his family and lets them give him "the pitch" and then tells them the same thing I said, just in way more PC terms.

It sounds manipulative, I know, but the problem is that he doesn't like to say "no" to his family. His first response to everyone is "yes", but he doesn't necessarily think through the consequences. He likes to be needed and save the day. I, on the other hand, am much more down to earth when it comes to this stuff, even with my own family. So, I don't give an automatic "yes." I refer them to my husband who is, as far as they know, currently unavailable. My husband and I then talk it over and he calls them to give them the news that, no, we will not be making a three hour drive in two cars to Hershey Park so that we can pay hundreds of dollars to walk around for two hours and look at rides that most of the group is either too young, too small, too old, too injured or too scared to ride, so that we can then turn around and drive the three hours back home with kids in the car throwing up from car sickness.

Just repeat after me, "You'll have to talk it over with (insert your husband's name here)."

It's a life saver and will never do you wrong.

I have a few family members like that too...I now just say "we're having this at this time...let me know if you can make it". If they don't come, oh well it's their loss. When they ask me to do something I may or may not. As for throwing work or purchases at the end of get together request, I would say something like...lunch sounds great but afterward we have something to do. We did a lot of yard work last weekend for Mom so we've got to catch up on our stuff this weekend.

As for Thanksgiving, I would say "We're hosting dinner so we're not going to be able to transport BIL and SIL but if someone else can they are more than welcome". If they push remind them that you are hosting so for once you don't have to travel.

First of all, why would you drive an hour total to pick up your BIL and SIL to bring them to your house for Thanksgiving when there is no Thanksgiving at your house? You said that the family said no b/c they are going to help out in church. Are you saying your MIL wants you to host Thanksgiving just for your BIL and SIL to come when no one else will be there? That is crazy.

What's even more crazy is how your SIL and MIL treats you. No offense, but to be honest with you (b/c you REALLY need to know this), your SIL does NOT like you. She most definately is using you by telling you she misses you (a big fat lie), just so you can help her w/ your MIL's yardwork. Please know that your SIL is ONLY your SIL and NOT your friend. Please stop treating her like a friend. Stop inviting her to things. Fall off earth for a while and let her "miss" you. Stop being a pushover for her. Let her d*** someone else around - not you anymore. This situation you are in is ridiculous and only you have the power to put it to a stop by not letting her d*** you around. Stop talking to her (with the exception of seeing her at family functions). Don't ever call her just to chat. Don't ever call her period. Let your husband call his brother. She is not your friend. You are done with her except for when you see her at family functions, and when you see her, be civil and nice, but do NOT be her friend. Keep it short and sweet. Example, "Hi, how are you? How are your kids? My kids are great. Johnny loves soccer and Susie loves ballet." And that is IT. Don't tell her anything personal or treat her like a friend. Say hi for a minute and then walk away from her and hang with your husband and/or your children. Good luck. P.S. You are not being a jerk or a bi*ch. You are being d***ed around, or as you stated in your title of your post, "manipulated."

Here's what I would do.

Oh, I am so sorry but I am going to be SO BUSY, making Thanksgiving dinner, I don't think we can pick up so and so. You see since you guys couldn't come we went ahead and invited (your father in law) and some others.

If you don't want to travel the next weekend, don't. I am assuming that the the disabled BIL and SIL will be going to the dinner the weekend after? Well if that's when the family decided to celebrate I am sure they won't be crying at home. Heck they may even be GLAD for a holiday at home, just like you will be.

Then don't think another thing about it. You know you can be SOOOO busy too and just enjoy the time at home.

Seriously honesty is the best policy.
"Sorry, but I just can't pick anyone up, you'll have to find someone else to do it this year."
"I wish we cold help with the driveway expenses but it's not in my budget, I might be able to squeeze out 50 bucks, if that will help let me know asap."
"Aww, we just did a bunch of yardwork at Mom's last wknd, my blisters are still healing, make sure YOU wear gloves!"
If and when you decide to "host" Thanksgiving or any other dinner, plan for how many you think will show and don't be disappointed if they don't.. it's just food.... and that's why we have tupperware and freezers. :)

They sound like insensitive clods. Since you put out the Thanksgiving at your home, you made plans to stay home. Stick by that. You and your husband need to pow-wow and decide what you are comfortable with dealing with if you decide to make a stand. Sometimes you have to make room around toxic people and just not deal with them as much, even (or especially) when they are family.

Re. the FIL/MIL separation - if it's a mutual decision (if he didn't do something awful like cheat, beat, etc.), and if you like him, he is STILL your family and you can darn well invite him to stuff if you want to. Or you can chose to have him as the inlaw you want to spend time with. Again, coordinate with hubby and be united.

Good luck!

gee, the best to deal with being volunteered by your sil to do yardwork for your mil is to beat her to the punch. simply call your mil and tell her that your sil just called you and told you that SHE was going to be "helping" your mil do the yardwork etc.and that you and yours were going to be very, very busy.. and your husbands allergies were acting up. then unplug the phone, and dont go and "help" her, if the two of them spent a little less time finding ways to guilt you into doing for THEM, they might actually have the time to do it for themselves, and the more they can guilt you into doing for them , the less they are going to do for themselves. dont be fooled your sil is part of the problem
K. h.
as for the gee.. can you pick up this person, or run this errand for me, you say, why, i would love to, but my car is in the shop, its out of gas etc. why dont you call the sil, i am certain she would be happy to help you, why i just talked to her yesterday and she said that she wished she could do more for you, if they are going to manipulate you, it only makes sense to do the same thing to them.

Hell no you are not unreasonable! Sorry but you or your husband should not be a taxi on the day you are planning and hosting a holiday at your house. That is ridiculous. I think its time for you to lay it out for your husband and let him handle it.He should be the one to confront them on these issues. They will continue to do this unless it is all put out there in front of them to hear and hopefully see how unreasonable they can be.
Good Luck!

Why don't you try telling them your really bummed that no one is able to come this year to Thanksgiving for your 1st hosting. Ask her if she would like to come, that it wouldn't be the same without her. Then you ask if she wouldn't mind picking them up so you can get the meal prepared.
It may not be who you are but, I bet she already knows what she wants to say before she calls you and that would throw a monkey wrench in her plan.

To some degree you do make sacrifices on the holidays for family. You do and you have. You MIL is doing this because every one has allowed her to continue the control and manipulation. Your SIL is doing it because it is learned behavior and she can get away with it as well.

My advice is to dish it back to them with facts but in a polite way. Just try it once see how they react. Look at it this way, they have no issue making you feel guilty for no reason at all but selfishness...you have a reason, to make them accountable for their words & actions. Just keep in mind that they are family so add a little sugar when you do it.

Good luck, and I hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful for you and yours!

I don't think your being unreasonable. It sounds like they are only calling if they need something. I would never be able to chip in and help pay to have someones driveway fixed.
You invited them for thanksgiving so if they can't come, oh well, enjoy the day with your family and FIL. If the FIL is willing to pick up his own family and bring them, then let him. Its his choice. Stick to your guns for the holidays and don't let anyone try to screw you over. They're in-laws, you don't have to like them.
Every year at Xmas my MIL tries to take Xmas day and she has every excuse in the book of why its her turn and not my own moms. I put my foot down and told my husband its every other year with her and its the even years only and if for some reason they can't make it here on their year, then they can't have the next year. It doesn't work that way.

If you're not giving in to their unreasonable requests, then you're not being manipulated. Plans falling through isn't manipulation.

They're acting selfishly, though. I would try to let it roll off your back and consider this past year a loss when it comes to the in-laws. I've had years like that with certain people and I just decide to start fresh. If I find myself getting too anxious or annoyed by certain people, then I back off of contacting them and keeping in touch until things settle down and things seem to be reciprocated more evenly. It always works out. I do try to look at my own behavior and attitudes to see if they're contributing to how others are treating me and my family, and while it's a hard lens to look through, it's usually worth it.