Need Help with Discipline and Stress... Any Good Books Out There?

I love Susan H ideas......I am a single mom (41) to a beautiful, energetic 3 year old princess. We get home at 5-530 and all she wants to do is be wild and play. When I want to relax, I ask her to do my hair - which she loves. She has to concentrate, and I get to sit and relax.....I have about 12 barrettes and clips in my hair when she is finished, but it is a great 10 minutes! Pull out the books and puzzles, that way you are playing with them...and it is relatively quiet. Good luck!

1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan is a great book. It came highly recommended from both of my Mom friends who have 3 very well behaved children.

Do you have a husband hwo can help? Htis is how children this age behave thay will eventually grow out of it good lluck i raisen 4 children and now have7 grandchildren somehow we servive good lluck A. no hills

Hey L.,
I am an avid book reader and love to use them as resources. I have different recommendations of books for both you and for using with your children. First, I would recommend Taking Care of the Me In Mommy by L. Whelchel for you. This book gives excellent tips on how to carve out time for you so that you are able to be what your family needs of you.
The second set of books are books that help with discipline so that you do not end up feeling frustrated with your children. I have four good books that are have some great advice. First, I'd recommend Home Improvement-Eight Tools for Effective Parenting by Scott Turansky. Another great one by the same author is Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids. Another good one is Scream Free Parenting by Hal Runkel. And finally, Creative Correction by L. Whelchel. All these books give advice on how to correctly channel your emotions to create the optimum results in your children and enable you to raise children who are kind, respectful and obedient.

L.,
I TOTALLY understand where you are at. My daughters are also 2 and 4 and I am a single mom working full-time. And, no matter how much I try to "suck it up" and remind myself to put on the right attitude, I find myself unnecessarily snapping at them. The issue isn't the kids' behavior or knowing how to handle it, it's just flat out fatigue that results in a shorter temper. I haven't solved it entirely yet, but a couple of things that I've been working on changing lately, that seem to be helping are:
1) Getting myself to bed earlier. That means leaving the house a mess more than I want to, but I can see a big difference in my level of patience with 7 vs. 5 hours of sleep.
2) Coming home to kids that have been fed. I don't know what your situation is, but I was totally stressed out by coming home to hungry kids and then trying to cook immediately. My parents keep my kids after preschool and we've now agreed that they will feed them dinner at 5pm before I get home, which has made a world of difference in our evenings.
3) Finding things to do in the evening that calm me as well. Once a week I put them in the stroller and we go for a walk to the library. Sometimes we just go for a walk. Once a week or so, I plan an easy craft (e.g. sponge painting). Some nights, I just put on an age-appropriate video and snuggle with them. And sometimes, I put them in the bath earlier than usual so that I can change clothes and chill out while they play in the bubbles. And, like someone else said, sometimes I just lay on the floor and let them tumble all over me. Last night I laid in various positions and told them to guess what animal I was (totally lazy me!)

Looking forward to hearing what other advice you get, because I could use it too!

I know that you're a great mommy, so keep up the good work and take care of yourself when you need to!

M.

You do have a lot of great advice already and I just want to echo some of it. :) Your 4yr old is old enough to understand you need a little quiet time to yourself. Use your 4yr old to help entertain the 2yr old to give yourself 10-15mins to undwind and let go of your day. You may have to give your 4yr old directions on what to do to entertain her. Little kids like to help and be sure to show apprecitation to your kids for giving you some time to unwind from your day - especially the 4yr if s/he is helping you get that. My 2.5yr old understands when we tell her we need to rest...because it's something we've told her often. If she insists on playing we tell her to pick something she can do on the couch next to us and we'll help her get it and settle in near us - books, coloring books, dolls etc. And sometimes she'll tell us she needs to rest. Teaching them that you need to rest when you get home will take a little time but just be repetative and give them some time to adjust too. Don't be afraid to tell your kids your tired, you've had a bad day etc. There is no reason kids need to be sheltered from those undesireable feelings - it silently teaches them to keep those feelings to themselves and they don't learn how to cope with them.

I think as women and moms we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect or what we think we're supposed to be. Give yourself a break and know that you are doing the best you can with what you have. And rejoice that you are able to see what needs to change in your life. :)

ALL Moms feel like that at times... and to recognize it in yourself is commendable.

For me, with my 2 kids, when I am just FRAZZLED... I actually tell them "Mommy NEEDS to rest... I am going to lay on this couch and you 2 play nicely and quietly if you can... but let Mommy lay here for a moment." Then I do so. My Kids have come to really understand... that even "adults" are not perfect... and that Mommy needs rest too. They have come to respect that I can tell them that... instead of thinking I am an Energizer Bunny who does not stop "doing." Or if I am irritable, I tell them "Mommy is a little grumpy right now... I'm sorry, but I need a moment..." then I grab a book and just read. And they have learned empathy and caring that way too... and THEY have also learned that when they are "grumpy" they can tell me TOO and & I respect that in them, but we ALL are in it TOGETHER... and being "able" to say things like this, nicely and thoughtfully, is good communication among other things. And I"m just honest with them. BUT, in an age appropriate way.

My kids are REAL active too, and they have voices that are loud as bugles. So, everyday, we actually have a "quiet time" which they know, because it is a daily "routine" with our family. Maybe you could try that, at a certain time in the evening? Or use an egg timer... and when it rings, then that is the time for "quiet time" and for winding-down. Kids need to know when is "wind-down" time. Always give them a nice verbal head's up... then in like 15 minutes, start the "wind-down" routine... whatever you feel that would be. But it should be them quieting down, putting on jammies, brushing teeth, and laying down with a story or something. ROUTINE and organization... regularly... then the kids will get to know it and will take to your verbal cues about it. There is always a 'beginning' and an 'ending' to activities... a conclusion. Which is them and you, doing cozy, quiet, things together, even if it is just hugging and cuddling before bed. So they can "bond' with you. That is what I do with my kids. Anytime I say "wind-down time..." they know and they get in that mode. It takes repetition and so they get with the routine.

I know its not easy... but when a child "sees" that a Mom can communicate things, 'nicely'... it also teaches them too, and gives them skills for expressing and caring.
Or when my kids are real active, I lay down, and we all play that way... I tell them "Okay we'll play, but Mommy is gonna just lay here.. ." and I make it in a funny/joking tone of voice (not grumpy sounding), and then they will be piling pillows on me or blankets & I tell them "I'm a potato..." and then they know Mommy is too tired to run around and jump around and chase. But we still have fun. So, that is my verbal cue to them too.

All the best, just some ideas,
Susan

Hi, This might sound oversimplified and kinda insensitive and I really don't mean it that way, but i'm going to say it anyways. You could spend a lot of time reading various books, etc. on how to have more patience, etc. But if you're a working mom I'm guessing you have very, very little free time to read anything. So, my advice is to just be patient when you get home, to suck it up because the alternative is crummy. The alternative of being crabby to everyone around you just because you have to work and had a long day. Well, join the club. You can choose to walk in the house and be festive if you want and to suck it up when you're tired and be a parent. I am also a full time working mom and am sometimes (almost always) exhausted when I walk in the door after a full days work and long commute. Its just life right now and your kids can't relate, so enjoy those few hours you do get with your kids and choose to be a patient, good mommy.
good luck and i'm wishing you lots of strength!

Check out Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. Great book...

Children that age are not going to understand YOUR daily routine. They are in their own world and will want to be with you because they haven't seen you all day. Find a way to indulge their time with you that is not so physically exhausting for you. And at their age, EVERYTHING you say and do (facial expression, tone of voice, words you say) will be picked up on. So please try to take that into consideration when you get angry with them or your fuse gets short. Can you read to them or find another activity where you can be with them that they will enjoy and that won't demand so much from you? That's just want to spend time with you and you should find something that works for all of you.

Hi L.,
I understand. I work full time too and when I walk in the door my son just wants to play with me. He's 7 now but when he was 2 I would walk in the door and he would want me to pick him up and he wouldn't let me put him down for 2 hours. You don't say how long your commute is but I have 45 min to an hour in the car and I try to use that time to relax (hard to in traffic I know). Some days I play really loud Heavy Metal music and sing along and it gets all my frustrations out or I listen books on tape and get lost in the story. Finding time to work out a little each day helps too. Maybe you can all go for a 20 or 30 minute walk when you get home.

Hope this helps! It will get better as your kids get older and understand that you need a few minutes to decompress when you get home.

You have to keep reminding yourself of that. They really are clueless and not trying to make you angry. You are not alone, it is hard. Try doing activities, like reading, floor time, comb mommy's hair, things that can be relaxing for you as well. They will get use to it if you teach them. Big hugs coming your ways and kudos to you for asking for help before you break!

Edit**** LOL I am just wondering how many mommy's came back to get some pointers?? I know I did, I am so glad, who can't use all the help they can get? Hope you founds some advice helpful. The lay on the floor thing is really great. I do that when I am especially tired and she thinks it is fun. She lays on me and cuddles or if she is feeling spunky she body slams me, either way I am off my feet! LOL

Hi L.,
I am a full time working mom of a 27 month old daughter. I was also having difficulties with my temper and snapping at her and then feeling bad about it. I didn't want to use the "time out" method for every little thing. My pediatrician recommended to me to appeal to my feelings at the time to the children. Instead of continuing to become angrier and angrier in a situation, take a breath at the moment you feel like it is intensifying and tell the children, in a calm matter "you are making mommy sad because..." whether it be that they are not listening or whatever the reason. Children instinctively want to make their parents happy. Continue with "please make mommy happy..." and ask them to do what you want. Then thank them in a happy tone for listening and making you happy. It has made a tremendous difference with my daughter. She hears me telling her that her actions are making me sad, and because she wants to make me happy she ends up doing what I ask and I stay calm.
Also create a bedtime routine. VERY IMPORTANT! Give them a little time to play before bedtime and then 5 minutes before they need to start getting ready let them know they only have 5 minutes left and then stick to your guns. Once the routine is established they will know what to expect and they will also be able to get their playtime in.
I hope this helps,
Sincerely,
A.

1-2-3 Magic worked for me.

Wow, your story is so familiar to me, I used to be you. I was a junior/senior high teacher...out the door by 7 AM, home after 6 PM, truthfully, I didn't want much to do with my own kids after having 150 other people’s children for the day. I was exhausted. I tried the “mommy needs a few minutes to rest” and “can you please give me a minute” I even went so far as to leave them with the sitter for an extra 30 minutes so I could have a few minutes to unwind before I went home.

But honestly, that all made me feel like a bad mother. I was still exhausted, overworked, and now I felt guilty! Great! Not exactly what I had in mind.

L., I made a HUGE decision to put my children first. I had to. They were my children, my responsibility and I needed to open the space to be the best mother I could be. It was not their responsibility to “play quiet” or “give mommy a few minutes” or even understand that I was tired. It was MY responsibility to be a better mom.

And for a while, I thought that just meant “sucking it up”, you know dealing with how tired I was, how cranky etc. But that wasn’t it. I had to make a change.

I found my answer in a network marketing company that at first, was all about my health (it gave me the energy, the clarity and the patience that I was so craving ~ oh yeah and I dropped over 40 pounds) and once all that fell into place, people wanted to know “my secret” and when I began sharing, the company paid me. It is now my full time thing. I “work” from 9 to 3, “work” to me is doing my grocery shopping and meeting people, going to lunch with me friends and team members, attending networking events, hanging out with moms groups and talking about what I used to be like before this came into my life, you know “work”. My kids get home from school and I am energized, refreshed and ready to be a mom. I am at every one of their school functions, I can volunteer on field trips, AND I am happy. I really am.

L., the choice is yours. Too many moms think that what they are doing is what they must do to support their family. I have just one question for you…

How is that working for you so far?

If you are interested in a change, just connect with me.

B.
Family Success Coach

I certainly understand that the power of stress can take over the nicest and best of mommies at times. I think you have gotten some fantastic advice, but I would like to add one more thing that I didn't see mentioned (forgive me if I missed it). If you are overwhelmed by stress, you should not be ashamed to tell your doctor what you are dealing with. He or She can prescribe you a very low dose sedative to take as needed. Oftentimes, an adjustment period such as what you are going through (with returning to work) is the right time to seek such help. There is no shame in wanting to be the best parent you can be. Good luck to you.

www.loveandlogic.com It is awesome. They have a book, Parenting with love and logic. And they have all kinds of audio cd's on specific issues that you can listen to in your car!
check it out. it will change your life!!
let me know what you think
S.

I LOVED the idea from Riley J. of being EXCITED to see your kids when you get home (even if it can only last for a little while). I'm a stay at home mom, but whenever I see my kids after being away from them, I truly do feel excited and they can sense it--and then they're happy to play on their own for a while.
It's not clear from your post if dad is around. If he is, involve him. Make sure you're getting time for yourself everyday. You sound pretty burned out, and I don't know your situation, but maybe try getting away/getting a babysitter/having a massage or pedicure or doing something you find relaxing when you need it. Don't burn the candle at both ends.

The best advice I have is to remember that this is a phase (even though it may seem like an eternity right now). When they are 14 and 16 you'll be dreaming of the days when they wanted to play with you.

PS I just have to comment on Anita M's response. Please don't ever tell your children that THEY are MAKING YOU feel a certain way (you make mommy unhappy when...) OR that they are responsible for your emotional well being (please make mommy happy by...). As adults, we are always responsible for our own emotions no matter what another person is doing. We may not like it, but it is our issue. The concept is ok...but always say "I feel ____ when you ___", but modeling to them that you are responsible for your own feelings is the key. Children are not responsible to make their parents feel happy. They are responsible to follow the rules and boundaries we set for them (with our continual guidance), but they are children and they will never get it 100% (nor will any adult for that matter).. Sorry...that was a red flag when I read it and couldn't let it go.
All the best to you!

Hi L.:
I well remember the bundle of nerves I was going back to work. I tore myself up for leaving my kids, then as you say there was getting back home and getting all the tasks done prior to their bedtime. Of course you want to make that time as pleasant and smooth as you can. First I feel that it is important that you realize that you tend to be have a short fuse. That is something that you should work on as it doesn't tend to improve with age. Kids will tune you out if you get into yelling and shouting. They also will get wise to pushing your buttons when they want something/anything. Remember kids will do whatever to get attention even if it takes bad behavior. So first find some parenting classes that give you some new tools, if you can take some time to find meditation classes or see your doctor to make sure you can stay in control. I'd light some scent candles in blueberry, sugar cookie, etc. I'd like to have some music, be it kid sing along or something on the soothing side rather than the TV screaming. I truly believe after being apart all day, taking 15 - 20 mins to have juice, perhaps a smoothy for you, and a snack, peanut butter on crackers, cream cheese w/jelly on crackers, sitting in a circle in the family room, talking about each child's activities, showing papers, just enjoy some down time. Now no one is ravenous, you have connected together and now the kids can reconnect themselves as they have missed each other during the day thus the rambunctousness. Your kids do not understand your tiredness, they can't, they know they are happy to be back together and want to enjoy their playtime as they always have had. That special time immediately after returning home to snack and chat is critical and will help tremendously to fill the kids needs to snuggle up and be reassured that you are still the mom who enjoys special time. It means that you must invest in a little quality time immediately and sometimes you'll find they may walk off to do their own thing sooner. Now if need be plug in your iPod, or a book on tape, or a favorite album, you won't tend to hear the kids sillyness and you likely will be distracted from replaying the negative thoughts from the day. Meals should be simple, back to the crockpot, no arguing during meals, not worth it. Baths should include bubble bath or body wash that smells really nice, maybe even light a couple candles instead of having bright bathroom lights on. Maybe some music, a CD or tape of bedtime songs playing that can go into their bedroom, again low light to get PJ's on and snuggle into covers. I really like the machines that project rainbows or star systems, even mobiles of birds or plants. Hopefully they will focus on these visual things almost becoming hypnotic and relaxing. I believe in reading with kids but maybe you can find books on tape or cd of children's stories that can be playing. A few fun night lights are also comforting. Your attempting to create the perfect fun, relaxing area for the kids to go to sleep in, instead of fighting for quiet, no playing, etc. Make their bedroom a great place to go to so they can experience unique things they can't resist. Make coming home the experience you want to be greeted with and the place that the children enjoy. I do think keeping lighting a little dimmer, filled with special scents, and comforting sounds really helps everyone. Most importantly, lower your expectations of what you can accomplish on weeknights. Everyone can spend 5 min.'s picking up before bed but you will make yourself crazy if you think you can be superwoman, you can't and you will only cause tension and stress if you try. Don't volunter, don't join anything, don't get pushed into any activity unless you know for sure your quality of life will improve. Keep life simple, look for ways to make it more simple. In a few years as the kids grow, you'll feel as though you can do more if you want to.

I think I read just about every book out there on all these subjects and what I have written seemed to work the best. Good luck, eat healthy, take your vitamins, go to bed by nine if only to read or watch a little TV but you should work hard to turn the lights off at 10 pm. This alone will help you more than almost anything else.

Hi L.. I have been dealing with the same thing lately, and it definitely was easier to "chill out" when I didn't have to work. My personal mantra/motto/chant that I keep running in my head is "be gentle, be kind" which helps when I all want to do is snap and yell. It doesn't mean they don't get disciplined, but it reminds me to be kind and gentle to these small beings who seem to just want to play and giggle and have fun with Mommy. I don't want our few hours to be drama-filled, and it helps me to keep my cool. Anyway, good luck.

Hi L., They are the reason for everything and at this point you can't explain anything and have it make sense,they are too little yet, but could you take a nap at lunch time??? It may give you a little boost and take some good vitamins too. Otherwise, let something else go and believe me as a working mom it will be there later...
OR...
ask for some help from anyone that cares for your family and accept that what they do may not be just as you would do it and be happy with the time for your family.
Deb good advice ladies, but I don't see how the books will help her very much. mostly being tired can drive you crazy.

Hi L.,

It sounds like you got a lot of really good advise from experienced moms out there.

My husband and i see a counselor for the betterment of our family. She suggested a book called Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T. for short), by Thomas Gordon. http://www.gordontraining.com/parentingclass.html?gclid=C...

It offers a style of parenting where discipline is rare and responsible, polite children are raised.
Its also offered digitally as an audio book.

Much Love, M.

I think that you should go to a parenting sight called boystown.org. or parenting.com. They have books on different ages and behaviors. Before purchasing the item it gives a summary of what the book is. Best of luck. I am going thru the same things right now too.

well, it sounds like first you need to take care of yourself. It's very difficult to return to work. What would make you feel good and help you unwind at the end of the work day so that you are ready to spend time with the kids? yoga, meditation, exercise, reading, gardening?

Next, remember that since going back to work your kids are probably needing a little more attention.

I recently took a course based on the book Redirecting Children's Behavior and thought it was fantastic. You can look for the book, or find out more through www.indigovillage.com.

Good luck, and BREATHE :)

You've gotten some killer advice. Most of this is echo:

- Change into street clothes BEFORE you get home. Either at work, or see below. Not wearing work clothes I've found to be EXTREMELY energizing. The "ahhhh, I'm human again." Thing. I have a strong suspicion that this is the whole "dressing for dinner" concept that middle and wealthy families have used for hundreds of years.

- Take a 15-30 minute break at a coffee shop/ cafe/ wherever that is super close to your house. Curl up, read a book, watch a bit of TV, change your clothes, take that "self time" that lets you face your life with a smile instead of an "OMG".

- Be EXCITED right when you walk in the door. Kids know when you're happy to see them. Even if 2 minutes later it's "Okay mommy has to _________ now" your kids get the "I'm so happy to see you!" jolt/fix, and it will stick. Not every day, but over time. It builds up tremendous "banked" good feelings.

- Don't set yourself up to go from one job to another. This equals job 1, then job2= cook, then job3=housecleaner. Talk about exhausting. Crockpots are fantabulous. So are frozen meals. Save cooking for when you have time to shop/play/cook/& not lose your mind... and make it a FUN time, and get the kids involved (aka days off).

- Double stress sucks. At one point in my life I found myself spending all the time with my son stressing about the homework/schoolwork I wasn't doing, and all the time I was doing homework stressing about my son. Ummm... backwards. It took a few weeks, but I finally realized that a) I can't do both at the same time (because my schoolwork was subpar as was my mommy-ing... now some people can do both... I'm just not one of them) b) I was doing things totally backwards. So I compartmentalized (that was the part that took a few weeks). Time with my son was HIS time, and when he was asleep THEN I could stress about school. It was a HUGE lifesaver.

- Kids have been "useful" for thousands of years. It's only in modern day society that more kids are a "burden". They follow us around, getting in our way, for durn good evolutionary reason. They're trying to learn from us. So put them to work!! :) They will NOT do a "good job" most of the time (but hey, if only one square foot of the floor gets mopped, that's one square foot *I* didn't have to do. Kids can do a lot more than most people let them... and to them "grown up work" is fun. Give them a bottle of windex and let them go mad on the windows (hey... they PUT most of the smudges there!), have them put all of their own clothes in the wash, and hold them up so they can put in the soap. See the amazing powers of how a room can be swept for an hour, and never have enough dirt in one place to need a dustpan. Have them stir batter, grate cheese, rip lettuce, get silverware in the wrong places. Gradually they get better at these tasks. JUST BE SURE NOT TO REDO THEIR WORK. Give them tasks that you either don't care that much about (we had the CLEANEST cabinets for 2 years, because while I cleaned the counters my son cleaned the cabinet faces), or redo them long AFTER bedtime, if it IS something you care about. They'll be proud they helped... and it sets a pattern of them helping (which is huge). Don't wait until they're old enough to do a "good job" at the task, or it will be too late. And kids are smart... if you redo their work, why should they do it to begin with?

Anyhow... hope some of this helped. Oh... and don't forget tylenol. It's almost impossible not to be cranky if you have a headache!

:) R