Need Creative Punishment Ideas.

He needs to get a job outside of the house! He will also work better and be more cooperative for someone other than you. He can rake leaves, babysit, walk dogs, wash windows, until he can -like in the real world- deal with the consequences of his own actions without any help from Mommy.

See, I think you are just way too nice. Grumpy? I would be scarrier than the apocolypse if I was in your shoes. I would be like the Four Horsemen, I swear.

Let's review

1. He was disrespectful to you
2. He screamed at your son
3. He put his hands on your son
4. He (in process) damaged a really expensive piece of equipment
5. He feels entitled to do so
6. He is completely unremorseful

Yup. Bring on the earthquakes, floods and pestilence. It is Apocolypse time.

Strip his room of everything including the door. Give him some clothes, a bed, a pillow and a blanket. Everything must go. THEN make him earn money (through chores or however else you want to) to pay for fixing the damaged trumpet. When he repays that THEN he gets his stuff back. He wants to feel entitled? Show him exactly what he is entitled to: food, clothing, shelter and not a damn thing more.

He's 15. Tell HIM to find jobs that make money to pay for the repair.

He can go mow lawns, wash cars, shovel snow, clean up gardens, rake leaves, run errands for local elderly, or do extra household chores, but he should not get any allowance for the regular stuff he usually has to do.

Retribution is an excellent punishment...because it's a real life punishment.

I would also, while he's out of the house, remove everything from his room but his bed, clothes and dresser. And take the door off the hinges and put it to the side. Make it clear that everything he has is because of his family...including the room you allow him to live in and the things you allow him to keep. He has to earn his priveledges back by learning how to be a member of your family again.

ETA: Also, if you don't want your boys yelling at one another, you need to model and require a no-yelling house. You should, under no circumstances, be getting into your son's face, yelling.

It's AMAZING how effective a calm, stern, angry voice and demeanor can be. No matter how your son yells, do not rise to the occasion and yell back.

Turn your back and say "I am very disappointed and hurt by the way you are treating me. I know your dad and I did not try to teach you to act this way...but maybe we've had some bad habits, like yelling in front of you. I'm not going to yell anymore. When you're quiet, I will talk to you."

When my oldest DS lost his temper awhile back he busted his solid wood bedroom door. When DH and I researched what it would cost to replace it we about flipped our lids. An unfinished wood door in a style similar to the one that was broken would cost us over $125!
What we did was set up some chores (hard manual labor types of things like clearing out the overgrowth in our backyard, cleaning up nasty things that nobody ever wants to do, etc) and we gave him minimum wage credit towards replacing the door. Until he had "earned" the money to replace the door he didn't get to go out with friends, buy b-day presents for friends, go to the movies with the family, etc... It took him 4 months.

He has since damaged a wall and is in the process of "earning" the money for that too. Once he has the materials to fix the holes he will be taught how to repair the wall.

Now these things happened when he was REALLY, REALLY frustrated with something that was going on in his life and he wasn't talking to anybody about it and was just holding it all in. We finally sat him down and told him that it was really important for him to talk to us. That whatever it was that was bothering him was either going to make him indebted to us entire HS years because of the damage he kept causing or he could talk to us about it without us being judgmental,getting angry, etc. He chose to talk to us about the issues and ever since the household has had a higher level of peacefulness about it.

Talk to your son. Better yet LISTEN to your son....odds are there is something outside of the home that is triggering his behavior and it would best if you can clear the air sooner rather than later.

OH heck no! I'd have him out washing cars for cash, mowing lawns or getting a part time job to pay it off! I had a sacker job at Winn-Dixie when I was 14. He could have you paid back in a month or two.

How very ungrateful he is. I would address that and attitude will follow.
I would strip his room of every single thing in it. Take away everything but the furniture socks, underwear, 3 pair of jeans and 5 tshirts. Let him earn his posessions back. There would be no phone, video games, nice clothes, computer in his room when he got home today. If there is a dad around, he also needs a belt to his backside.

The OLDEST syndrome! Why are they so bossy!!! My oldest was the same way. He was MEAN to EVERYONE! Still is to an extent. He is 21 now. I wasn't sure he would make it this far!!!!!!!!
First of all do you TALK. Like really talk. I made sure that I sat down and listened and asked questions, knew their friends, snooped if I thought it was warranted, and disciplined as necessary.
Creative punishment is a game. IF you are not behaving, creative punishment is a joke.
The only way to get through to boys of this age is to hit em where it hurts. TAKE AWAY the CELL PHONE. TAKE AWAY THE TV AND ALL GAME CONSOLES. Stop the bad mouth as soon as it starts. I WILL NOT have you speak to me much less yell at me. I AM THE PARENT. After things have calmed down, lets talk.
My oldest did it all. Snuck out, skipped school, got caught drinking, got sent to alternative school. It was rough for a couple of years.
I didn't give up on him and I told him that ALL THE TIME! I don't like what you are doing, BUT I LOVE YOU! We are very close. I always listened. I may not like what I hear but I will listen. You will get punished but it won't be as bad. Senior year was hard!!! We survived it.
You have to be the bad guy when its important. You will only have yourself to thank later.
Good luck and GOD BLESS!!
D.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Kids can really change the mood in the home.

I am going to go in a different direction and you can take it or leave it. Just know that I am not coming from a place of judgement but of concern for all parties involved in this...as a unbiased unknown cyber mama.

I just went to the first part of a Parenting class this past Tuesday...next Tuesday we will attend the second part.

His whole premise was Positive Parenting. He stressed not yelling,threatening, accusing or blaming in the moment. He stressed coming from a place of understanding when you are dealing with a difficult/unruly/defiant child. He stressed raising the positive feeling in the home to combat these behaviors. When you yell you are allowing your child to bring you down to their level and they feel they have won. It sounds crazy to think that they really get a payoff and an adrenaline rush to get everyone yelling and upset with them. It is not logical...because kids and teenagers for the most part do not deal with reason and logic.

Your son is very angry...at you...at your new husband...at the breakup of his family...at his new siblings...at you working at night and leaving him with step dad. I am not saying these things to be mean or make you feel like you did this to him. I am just saying it to give you some insight to how a child looks at their surroundings and then act out. I had a brother like your son...and I felt the same as my brother but did not act out as much as my brother. I was angry that my parents divorced..that our family was torn apart..that I had to "visit" my dad and his other family...that we had to move...that we had new siblings etc.

I think you are justified to make a plan for him to do some "payback" for the destruction of the trumpet.(as a side note..my son just started up trumpet and at times I love hearing it...at other times I would like to slam it into pavement..but I have self control) I would try spending more individual time with this son and find joy being together.(do it with your other boys too)

Something else the speaker said was to let your son know your expectations and reiterate it to him and ask him to repeat it. When he lashes back at you then you say with every ounce of patience and calm you can muster, "I understand you are frustrated and mad. But what do I expect you to do right now?" When he says it back then you say.."That is right. Thank you." and be done with it.

You have a lot on your plate. You are tired and feel at a loss...we all have been there with you at one time or another...you are not alone. It is easy to think up all the punishments to threaten him with. He knows what he did was wrong. He knows you are angry with him. Start softening his heart..start to really listen to him.

Good luck and best wishes...it is a long and bumpy ride...stay calm along the way!

I would make him read a copy of Dennis Prager's, "happiness is a serious problem" as part of his punishment. His basic premiss is that it is our moral obligation not to put our bad moods on others and make everyone else miserable. A lot of people need to read this book.

i wold think he should have to spend quality time with his brother, maybe help him learn the trumpet better

Nope, you're not taking it too far. He broke it, he has to pay to fix it. I'm not going to suggest specific amounts, just charge what you think is right. Trust your decision.

Hang in there, boys usually start outgrowing the obnoxious teenager phase around 17.

I suggest that you could've prevented most of this by asking your son to stop playing his trumpet. Two hours is way too long. It does get on other people's nerves. It's healthy to stop the playing when it upsets others.

I also suggest it was rude to your neighbors to tell him to play outside. They would have cause to complain.

I understand your wanting him to learn and thinking that the more he plays the better it is for him. But you have to also consider other people's needs.

I suggest that rather than having more creative punishments, you need to have better boundaries so that you stop the behavior before it gets out of hand. Send the boy to his room with the first sign of disrespect.

Have a family meeting and all of you decide on some basic rules. Number 1 for me would be to always show respect to everyone. I would say that once something disrespectful is said that the person goes to their room to adjust their attitude. They can do whatever they want in their room but they don't come out until they can apologize for their misbehavior.

Doing additional chores is a good idea, too.

What is most important is to have some clear rules and immediate and consistent consequences for breaking them. Immediate, meaning that you don't let the situation escalate to the point that everyone, especially you feels out of control.

I suspect that because you felt grumpy you let this situation go on for too long. Grumpy is a legitimate feeling and you have the responsibility to handle situations that are increasing your grumpy feelings. Do not let the kids take advantage of you because you feel guilty. It is normal for you to be grumpy. Expect your boys to recognize that they need to alter their behavior when you're more sensitive. It's called empathy. You want to teach them how to recognize and get along with all sorts of moods.

Here's an example. I was visiting a friend and her 3 yo son. The boy kept interrupting his mother who was sewing. After a couple of times of getting him involved with another activity, she looked him in the eye and said, "I'm getting cranky. I need to finish this. You go over there and stay until I'm finished." I was surprised. I'd always thought that mom was to be all patient and meet the needs of the child first. This was an eye opening for me that changed the way I looked at meeting needs.

If mom's needs are not being met, she cannot meet the needs of her children. At 3 this little boy accepted his mother's directions, went to the other side of the room and played quietly. When mom finished she went to him and thanked him for being cooperative.

You have to take care of yourself, first. It's reasonable to stop the trumpet playing. None of the rest would've happened if you had.

Now that the trumpet is dented, the boy who shoved and caused the damage should pay for that damage. Make the consequences fit the misbehavior. It would even be reasonable to have him pay for a new trumpet.

After your SWH: When you got in his face and yelled at him you were doing the same thing you were telling him not to do. You need to step back and cool off before you handle situations. You are teaching by example.

I understand his unwillingness to open up to you. He most likely doesn't respect you because you act just like he acts. He won't trust that you can help him manage his behavior until you're able to manage your own.

I suggest family counseling to get your family back on track. Sounds like anger is the norm. You need to find a way to calm things down.

You and your boys are in a power struggle. He's hard headed. It sounds like you're equally determined as he is to make this go your way. Can you develop some empathy for his position? Can you find a way to be on his side so that he can be on yours?

You have open war now. Nobody wins when there is a battle of wills.
Both parents and kids lose. Kids don't learn appropriate behavior and parents are chronically in fight mode.

Later, I would not strip his room. Everyone needs a place of their own in which to feel safe. He has lots of legitimate reasons to be angry. Stripping his room just gives him another reason to be angry.

Instead I would make his room a place in which to be quiet and cool down. Music calms, universally. I would be sure he has some way to listen to music. I would teach him how to manage his anger. One way to do that is to provide him with a safe place in which to calm down. Then be sure to send him to his room before anger takes over.

When you're beginning to feel the need to yell, tell you son that you're getting angry, he's misbehaving and therefore he has to go to his room. Then give him "the stare" until he goes there. This will only be effective if you can remain in control of your own emotions.

Yes, take away privileges, TV and computer time but be sure he does have a place that he can go to cool off.