Need Any Wisdom on the Challenges of Overbearing In-laws

I think you should copy and paste this entire forum and mail it to them.

ps, I have very overbearing inlaws too. They made it a very difficult time for me when my son was born and the whole situation was so stressful we were unsuccessful at breastfeeding.

Hi D.,

I agree with Sarah H. When couples marry, they leave their parents behind, and they need to focus on themselves and their children.

I totally get the whole extended family thing, but if your extended family is a problem in any way shape or form, it�s time to cut the cord and distance yourselves.

It sounds like you have taken the right steps by moving 4 hours away. Now just start scaling back your communication with them. Suddenly become �too busy� to call, and now that you have a son, you can start your own holiday traditions that limits the time spent with the in laws. If they�re wanting to show up for a long weekend, �suddenly� get called into work, or have something "already" planned with your family or friends. As your son gets older, school and his activities will be great excuses for why you can�t get together.

On the rare occasions you do have to be with your in laws, set limits for them. Explain that you would like them to not do or say certain things in front of your son, and ask politely if they would refrain from speaking or behaving in the manner that you don�t approve of while they�re with your family. If they�re not comfortable with that, then explain nicely, but firmly that you won�t be getting together again until he�s old enough to understand why you find that behavior objectionable. Your husband has to be able to stand with you on this issue and present a united front to his parents. Most of this will have to come out of his mouth to get the best response.

My family has had to do this also, as have my siblings and cousins, so I understand that it�s not always easy and feelings may get hurt, but keep in mind, YOUR family, your marriage, and your children, come first. Don�t ever let anyone make you feel bad about taking a stand for your husband and children, your commitments are to them and no one else.

Good luck.

Sounds like your in-laws have too much power over your relationship. No one is in charge here but you the two of you. Remember that! After you have children you have a responsibility to protect them. Sometimes that means hurting the feelings of others. Do what you think is best for your family.

You are in a tough position. Bottom line, you have a family to care for and they are your first priority. I've always believed that just b/c family is family doesn't mean you have to put up w/ stuff from them that you wouldn't take from other people. You wouldn't let your kids around a neighbor that was a bad example so why allow them time around a family member that is a bad example? I know you can't completely cut them out, but I would do my best to minimize my time w/ them. And at four hours away, it won't be hard. Keep visits to an occasional weekend and you go to their house. That way you don't have to worry about them overstaying their welcome. Good luck!

D.,
I think the first hing to do is pray about it. God will lead you in the direction that is best for everyone involved.
How about your parents? Are they close? If so invite everyone over at the same time and let your mom and dad advise you. If your parents are not close, call and talk to them. Your parents should be able to enlighten you, for they have had in-laws themselves.
Most likely there is a great desire to be involved in the life of their son, so great, there over whelming behavior has flowed over into unbearable. They are seeking out for a slot, not to make you misserable. They need interaction, maybe just to be needed? Invite them to watch the baby once a month so you and your honey can get away for a movie or something. Make then feel needed some what?
I'm sorry it is difficult to adore them as in-laws........
Their intentions are most likely well......
Find what they need and allow their need to suit you in some fashion. Just as God will turn any bad to "his" good. Turn this around to work for you.
Pray about it and your answer will come. Prayer is most imporant. It will be heard and you will get an answer, from something, some where.
Bless you and your family....

D., I can so relate to you. Maybe not an exact situation, but very close. My husband and I have 2 boys(1 & 5)and my stomach goes into knots everytime I send them to see my husbands family. His entire family though, not just parents. They lead a total opposite lifestyle than we do and the ideas to go along with their lifestyle. It can be very hard to bare and like you said, extremely draining. It is probably the best thing that you don't live close now. But if I am assuming correctly, you don't see them oh so often. My kids see his family about once every 2-4 months(which in a situation like this is plenty.) The biggest thing to remember is that the once ever so often won't change who your child is going to be as a human being. We work really hard to instill the manners, qualities, and things we want to see in our children every single day. Then when we just can't avoid it (and trust me, we try to avoid it) and the children go to the family, we always talk to them about what happened while they were there. This will help to bring out any behavior or habits they may have seen while they were there and then we address them. We ask questions like "do you think that was a goog thing they did? We don't do those things, right? Why wouldn't we do something like that? etc..." This way if they were introduced to something that we don't totally agree with then it is addressed and then we have a few months to make sure it won't be an issue.
Now I beleive family is very important also. That is the ONLY reason they have interacted with my children, because they are family. But they are my children and I set the rules. If there is something that I feel very strongly about my child not being around that I feel could be very damaging to their mind (not just I don't really like it or I wouldn't do it), or something that could potentially put them in harms way or any real danger. THAT'S IT! I don't care who you are or how important I think it is for family to be in their life. There is nothing more important than the safety of my children, I don't care who you are. They can get mad, sad, whatever- it is not my fault they chose that lifestyle and my kids will not pay for it. So sit back and really evaluate the situation and ask yourself- Is my child in REAL danger? Do I REALLY think that this could scar or change the way my child thinks or the person they will become? Do they see them enough to change them? Could I be looked on as a bad/ unfit mother(such as by HRS) because I let my child be around them? If the answer is no to those questions, it may be something that just plain out stinks to have to deal with, but maybe you should do just that, deal with it the best you can.
Again, I feel for you and I know how you feel. But just remember, you mold your children. They will look to you to explain why this was right or wrong. So just focus on talking with your children regularly and you never know, the situation may show them who they DON'T want to be. Hope this helps!

There's are some wonderful books by Townsend & Cloud that deal with setting boundries that might be useful. My personal favorite is entitled "Safe People." You are to be commended for not having a child when THEY wanted one. I think it's also healthy that you've put some distance between you & them. The best thing you can do for yourself is not expect them to be the kind of grandparents YOU were hoping for. You'll only find yourself disappointed & angry (and probably a host of other emotions). I always hoped my parents would somehow transform into a wonderful granny & granddaddy for my daughters. Unfortunately, they didn't and now they've passed away. But God has given me the grace to love them anyway and the understanding that they did the best they could. Forgiveness came only after I accepted the fact that hurting people hurt other people - I realized that deep down, they were wounded and I was able to have compassion for them.

Well, I hope this helps. The best thing you can do for yourself & your family is give it over to God and have the faith that He will be there for you.

Hi - I'm in a similar position with overbearing in-laws, and they also live 4 hours away. I simply try to make the time we see them a positive one by focusing on the times that they're nice to my kids (they're good with my girls, but pains in every other way), but do not go out of my way to see them more than once every 2 or 3 months for a few days. They are not the type to take trips to see us very often, and I simply don't push the issue. I'm thankful, in a way, although at times I get mad thinking they must not really care about their granddaughters much if they can't even make a short 4 hour trip every few months. We usually go visit them every 2-3 months. They end up coming only a few times per year for 3 or 4 days at a time. Yes, they get irritating, but I remind myself that they'll be gone soon. I would NEVER EVER move near them because that's just asking for trouble in the marriage. Just smile and ignore as much as you can, and when you can't, politely tell them why you disagree and stay away from them as much as possible. There's really no simple solution. As I said, try to focus on the times when they're nice to your kids - that helps a lot! Good luck.

Hi D.:

We don't have overbearing parents; we have well intended parents that may overstep boundaries. We learned that we needed to set boundaries. Very hard at first but once done, it is better so yes, I agree, communication is extremely important; identify what their expectations are; outline what yours are and what you want for your son; if they coincide, great, if they don't then the grandparents SHOULD respect the parent's wishes. You are the parents. As Dr. Phil says, it is a privilege for the grandparents to be apart of the grandchildren's life....PRIVILEGEs are earned through trust and respect. I too support wholeheartedly the grandparents role BUT it needs to be supportive of the PARENTS desires for their children. Dr. Phil had a show on this very thing and it was interesting to me because we had experienced similar instances. We have two young boys and my parents wanted to be highly involved. It was very difficult for me to set the boundaries but I had to in order for harmony to exist with my family. Dr. Phil said that the spouse's family who is giving trouble needs to step to the plate and set the boundaries. There is now a common understanding and things are much better. Hope this helps.

I cant advise much on your relationship with them. All I can say is that communication is so important. Just be honest about your concerns. They are adults, they can take it. If they cannot have a mature conversation about it then maybe you will make them angry enough that some of your problem will be solved by their absence. But from my experience with my grandparents I can tell you that I did not know what kind of person my grandfather truly was until I was an adult. My mother made it clear that if he did not respect certain boundaries when we were there that he would not see us at all. and he always did. We still saw the grumpy side but he never took anything out on us. I love my grandfather and always enjoyed being around him. But as an adult I understand and appreciate my mothers concerns. I am also appreciative that she never talked bad about him to me. Respecting your family and elders is an important and tricky lesson for a child. I was allowed to come to my own conclusions about him. I agree that grandparents are very important in a childs life. You may also want to give you and your children a little credit and know that they will know if their grandfather is not acting in an appropriate way because of the values you have taught them.

Your not real specific in your question as to what the concerns and problems are so I can not give any direct advice. However, I also have VERY difficult inlaws and my husband is not in denial that his mother and step-father are difficult people.

I will tell you my story and maybe you can get something useful from it, I don't know.

In the first 6 years of our relationship (before our daughter was born) we saw my husbands mother and her husband 2 maybe 3 times total. My husband's family lives in Indiana and thank goodness for that since I would not be able to tolerate them any closer.

They happened to be here when my daughter was born which was totally unexpected and they pretty much invited themselves. My mom was also here so that helped a lot at least for me. Anyway in the first 2 years of my daughter's life my in-laws visited on every long weekend holiday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, you name it they were here. My mother-in-law actually called herself mama (not ma-maw) to my daughter when she was about 3 months old. Needless to say I looked her square in the eye and reached for my daughter and said I am mommy and you are grandma. Probably not my best moment but needless to say I was a little ticked.

My main problem with my in-laws and them interacting with my daughter is the fact that they are not nice. They tease in a mean way...i.e. Grandma says Here we bought this for you, Grandpa then says oh that is not for you that is mine, you can't have it, my daughter says okay and starts to walk away (she was only 3 at this time)Grandpa says well I guess you can have it but you have to hug and kiss me for it (his tone is not very endearing) and she decides that she really doesn't want it if she has to hug and kiss him for it so she continues to walk away. Grandpa then says well if you are going to be that way just take it. I did stay out of the conversation as my daughter seemed to be handling herself fairly well for a 3 year old in a hopeless situation. He did finally give her the gift but then could not understand why she was not thrilled with the item. During this same visit grandpa asked her to do something and she told him no. He looked her straight in the eye and called her a spoiled brat. I almost totally bit my tongue right in half. I then called my daughter to me and she and I went and did something by ourselves.

Same visit...my daughter would ask grandma to please play with her...grandma's response no I don't want to. After getting this response a couple of times my daughter quit asking. Then grandma did want to play with her and my daughter told her no thank you I don't want to play with you now.

All of these things happened in one visit and needless to say after they left I informed my husband that his mother and step-father would not be staying in our home again. That the next time they wanted to come they needed to stay somewhere else.

My in-laws now stay in a hotel and they tend to only come once a year and try for Christmas. They did not make it last Christmas and honestly it was the best Christmas and the first Christmas that we have had with just the three of us.

When they came this year they stayed in a condo out at the beach. My husband had to work the entire time that they were here...which they did know in advance. They saw my husband the day they got into town, the next day and the day before they left for 15 minutes. They were here for about 8 days total. The only reason that they saw my daughter was because I took her out to the beach everyday to see them. Also his sister was with them and that made things a little easier but not tons. They were invited out to the house to spend some time with their son on three different occasions and had reasons for not being able to come on any of those occasions. The last time they came out to the house my husband took off work early so that he could spend some time with his mom and his sister. They left 15 minutes after he got home...They had no place to be...and when they left they did not even say good-bye to me or my daughter.

So now that you have some of my story...I have left out some other gory details...I guess that my philosophy on the whole situation is that I kind of follow my daughter's lead (and always have) on this. If she wants to spend time with them then I allow her too. If she does not want to spend time with them then she does not have too. Also she is never told or made to show affection to anyone. I also always make sure, especially when they visit, to pay very close attention to her emotions and her feelings and if she is starting to feel bad or upset then I pull her aside and help her work through those feelings. Some of that may sound a little advanced for a 4 year old but really it is not. If you see your son is starting to feel stress or unhappy with the situation then just let your family know that you need a little one on one time with your son and the two of you can escape to a room or something. This was always pretty easy for me since I breastfed and so it was always a really good excuse. If you son is happy and they are not doing anything that is physically going to hurt him then let it be. If he is not happy or starting to feel stressed then hold him with you. I was very possessive over my daughter from the minute she was born so it was no big shock to anyone if I just went up and asked to have my daughter.

Well, I don't know if this has helped or not and I really did not intend to write you a book. You are definitly not the only one with difficult in-laws. I wish you much patience and a strong tongue (for all of the biting you may have to do).

M. N.

I commend you for wanting to have your son involved with his grandparents despite your own difficult relationship. You are right, it is VERY important to have extended family in your son's life... so long as all relationships are healthy and do not inevitably do more harm than good. I think the amount of physical space you have between you is a good start to keep them close but not too close.
I would say setting clear boundaries with them is absolutely crucial to making this relationship work successfully. It is obvious from your comments about being pressured to have a child (way to not give in to that one!) that their lack of boundaries is obvious. And if they are interfering with your parenting or your marriage you have the right, as well as an obligation to the health of your immediate family, to put a stop to it and demand the respect and space you deserve.
I have always found that heartfelt, honest, well-thought out letters are the easiest ways to go about this. You have the time to think out and re-think exactly what you want to say, including how you FEEL without accusing them of anything, and not worry about having your words twisted or speaking out in the heat of the moment.
And if things backfire, you know in your heart... and on paper... that you did your best to improve a bad situation and that the lack of resolution is not a failure on your part.
Good luck and best wishes.

Your situation is VERY similar to mine! Except my husband is in denial about the problem with hus overbearing Mother and goes to great lengths to try to keep her happy. Our son, her only grandchild is 6 months old. His mother and step father live in another state. She came to visit when our son was 2 wks old and I nearly lost my mind. Now she has informed us that she's coming for Thanksgiving...I haven't even thought about Thanksgiving yet but I guess we're staying home and entertaining her. I'm already stressing about her visit! And she's talking about moving here to be near her grandson. She has a nasty and mean attitude...she's like that with everyone even her husband and dogs. I'm concerned about leaving our son alone with her! My husband thinks I'm being rediculous as "she'd never hurt him." But words hurt and she is venimous in her tone a lot. Also she makes comments like "butts are for spanking" and I don't agree with spanking. I wasn't spanked and I turned out fine. I don't know what I'd do if she (or anyone) layed a hand on my son!! Sorry for ranting on your question...it just hit home!

I don't know many people who don't have problems or at the very least irritations with their in-laws (and that goes for parent-in-laws feeling that way towards their children's spouses). It just comes with the territory...we feel our in-laws are over-bearing know-it-alls and they feel that we'll never be good enough for their children.

Not knowing exactly why you feel your in-laws, particularly your step-father-in-law, would be detrimental to your son, I would say that if their mere presence is irritating, you'll just have to deal with it. You can try laying everything out on the table and hashing things out, but sometimes this tactic will do more harm than good. Not sure how old your in-laws are, but most people from the Baby Boomer generation and even before that time aren't too keen on being open about their feelings. Like Raymond's mother, it's so much easier and even more entertaining to deliver blows in a passive-aggressive, behind-the-back fashion.

Right now, your son is their magnet, especially at his young age, so you're probably going to get a lot of visits. Be thankful that they don't live next to you any longer...now, it's up to you and your husband to decide if their presence will linger long after they've gone home. Personally, I don't need the validation of my in-laws or my parents for that matter, but because their fragile sensibilities as new grandparents demand it, I throw them a bone every now and then and seek their advice. Honestly, I have to make a conscious effort to weed out the barely hidden insults to get to the root of their words of wisdom, which thankfully, are usually pretty helpful. Good luck!