I have an in home day care. I do afterschool care during the school year and full time care in the summer for 2 awesome kids. (12 and 6)
In the last 2 years or so they have had some pretty big changes in their lives. Parents divorcing, moving, father dating and now engaged.
Recently they (it started with the older boy) have been saying "I don't care" about things. Now, I know that it is a way of deflecting dissappointment by not getting your hopes up, but dang... its annoying. And the tone that they say it with is pure sassyness.
I also have 3 kiddos of my own.(7, 4, 18 mo) I find that MY kids are starting to say it now.(the older 2 since the little one just grunts)
I have tried asking them if they really don't care and drawing attention to their words and tone since a lot of things are said without thought to those.
Anyone got any advice on how to stop or at least abate this phrase? I have yet to catch them in a situation that I can prove they do care... (taking away things from them). Its mainly in situations where questions are asked by another child and they pop off with well, I don't care anyways...
Any phrases that work for this other than "thats driving me crazy."?
Here is my standard phrase for tones and words that can harm "We are kind,gentle and loving, we don't use that tone or that phrase. Can you please choose other words?"
I know it sounds very Brady but it works. It is respectful while addressing the problem.
Wow, those kids have been through a lot and that's pretty sad. What I would suggest is this: gently but firmly, sit down with which ever parent has custody of the kids and the kids and tell them you understand that they've gone through a lot, but the 'whatever' and 'I don't care' and the attitude that comes along with it is not going to be tolerated anymore; especially since it is setting a bad example for your young children. If you can talk about it in a respectful way, hopefully the kids' mother won't be upset by it. Good luck!
HI B.
Those poor kids must be in so much pain. What about finding a book for kids about going through these things? They might not talk to you about whats going on. But maybe they'd read story about so and so who went through the same thing. Maybe there's one out there that doesn't look like a self help book.
Maybe there's something here that would help.
http://fatherhood.about.com/od/divorceddads/tp/divorcecop...
And tell them it's not there fault.
A. H
B.,
You nailed it: The older son is sounding as if he is emotionally shattered by what has occurred in his life (loosing stability and who can blame him?)
What I would do:
While you have the two in care going thru this: Assure, Assure, Assure. Even if YOU may not be constant in their life (many people can come in and go out for whatever the reason), you are there for them now. Teens are not willing to talk, but let him know you are there if he does want to and that you will not tell his parents (unless it is life threatening, of course!).
You are a caretaker for them, and there is a bond there. Use it to the best of your ability.
For your own:
Try your best to explain the situation that the others are experiencing without going into much or going over their heads. Talk to them... I find even my four year old understands more than I realize when I talk with him (and he was that way when he was younger-) When we reason with our children, sometimes it does help a situation. It is also the "phrase of the hour". This is coming from a 'big kid' and big kids are so cool! in little one's eyes.
(Remember when you were younger and admired the older kids?)
I find if I try to avoid making a deal out of things, or if I say straight up "That is not nice, this is not how we talk to each other", it helps. (My son LOVES quoting his favorite shows, and sometimes other questionable things he hears!)
Most importantly: Patience... If you are frustrated and it shows, they pick it up and know it bugs you, so they keep it up. (something else I learned!).
Good luck and hang in there... :)
B.,
I don't know if this will be helpful to you or not, but when I was a teenager I went through a period where the reply to my mom for everything was "I don't care" I don't even think I realized I was saying it or how it sounded to other people.
Every time I said it she would respond with "I don't care either" and would just stand there silently looking at me waiting for a better answer. It really made me realize how often I was using that phrase. It did help me to remember to give an actual answer when I was spoken to. Good Luck.
