When Your Husband and Children Take Complete Advantage of You What Do You Do?

Thank you moms out there..!
I will try a few different things I have not thought of with making responsabiliy lists and one for the girls also ... This morning I had them help with packing lunch with me and they loved it..! They have a small list of chores but maybe if they try team work with mom they will like it.!
Have tried counseling two years ago and it was great for about 6 months then he kinda just went right back to normal ..
I will def try getting a list of responsability that we can both feel is fair.!! I really hope he is open to it..
And maybe I will try some alone time.
I know he can handle them I just think he will get pissed that I want me time.
But I have to do this or I'm prob not going to be happy again and that would be my own fault!
Thank you again moms ...
Great people out there❣

Take a week long vacation ... leave husband and kids home to fend for themselves. If he doesn't see the light, take the kids and leave.

well, um, talk to them?
if your husband gets home and doesn't lift a finger, are you saying something like 'i need help. do you want to make dinner or help with homework?'
when your girls ignore you, what's your response?
if you are suffering in silent resentment, well, expect more of the same.
but you only say what they don't do. you don't say what you do.
the example you're actually setting for your girls is 'women are drudges.' if you want to 'set the best example for your girls that you can', speak directly and courteously to your husband, give them age-appropriate chores, and make it very very clear to your family what your expectations are. they're not mind-readers.
if you have done all this and your husband has made it clear that he doesn't care about you or your family, that's where you need to start.
your little girls aren't old enough to take the lead in the family. they're only doing what their parents have taught them to do. maybe you don't realize you have taught them that mom is a non-entity who should be ignored, and daddy's model of laying around getting waited on hand and foot is the way families should work. but someone has.
speak up.
khairete
S.

Men have a way of only seeing things from their own perspective. He wants to relax at home after a hard day at work. He doesn't get it that you shouldn't be doing everything when you work right along side him just as hard. Not only do you have to explain it to him, you have to refuse to budge and and lay down your own demands. If you guys are splitting work equally, then you need to split the home responsibilities equally too. SIt down, make a list, divide it, present it to him, and don't do the things on HIS LIST. If he causes a third world war, then you need counseling and possibly divorce if he refuses. Get the kids to do their own appropriate things and split the things they cannot do.

My ex and I just had a big fight like this. For the past 10 years, he has worked and traveled 95% of the time and paid all the bills (correction, I pay the bills and manage the money, but it's his money that goes into the joint account that sustains us). I take care of the three kids, the house, the yard, the finances, and EVERYTHING ELSE 24/7. I also work part time in an artistic and unpredictable field. His work is also artistic and his pay is sporadic so budgeting is a HUGE CHALLENGE I have mastered. We had a tough year because his most major tour (music, 3 months on the road for that one, supposed to be a big chunk of money) was not paid, the promoter screwed all the bands and paid no one. So we were left with much less money than planned for the year. He started yelling that I need a full time job, and he should not have to sustain us all. So I said, "Let me get this straight. You want me to work a full time job AND take care of the kids and house 24/7 alone, while you only travel and work? That's not going to happen. Let's think of a way where we can split everything equally though." Since he can't be here to do any of the household work and child obligations and financial stuff, he dropped it. Because I would not have budged.

Sadly, people only treat you the way you let them. Your family should not be acting like this but they are because they can, so gather all your strength and stop doing this! Good luck!

It's everyone's responsibility to take care of the house. For example, at our house the kids rotate chores. They are older but they do the following: clean their bedrooms, bathrooms, vacuum, load/unload dishwasher, take out trash and do their own laundry. One will have trash all week while the other is on dishes, then switch the next week. And they have one of the other chores to do once per day then switch those. The house isn’t perfectly clean but I’m not embarrassed if someone stops by. My husband does all our laundry, both washes and puts away. I do all the shopping, cooking and general cleaning of the house. This started back when I was working full time but even now that I’m not, we still do it. So it’s not ok that your husband just works and nothing else. You need to talk to him and ask him what chores he wants to be responsible for and make sure he does them. I have an ex that refused and well, he’s my ex. I think it’s hugely disrespectful to not pitch in when you are also living in the same house. It’s not just the “woman” who does the housework. JMO. Good luck.

You do whatever it takes and spend whatever money you must to get yourself into couples counseling, so that you and your husband are on the same page.

There is no way a 7 and 5 year old can take "advantage" of you, unless they are allowed to. Therefore, the problem is between you and your husband. Your husband does not back you up. This must be addressed in counseling.

Stop being their doormat. They expect you to do everything because you do everything.

Go home, sit down, ask them when dinner will be ready, go to bed, leave the dishes, leave the laundry, don't rescue them. Stop.

It's nice to be a good mommy and wifey but in reality you are setting yourself up to be their servant when they are treating you like this.

You have to decide to act just like them and allow them to learn from their own actions what it is like. They learn from their own consequences.

Once your experiment is done, at least a week...then you can have a family meeting and ask them to tell what they learned from it. Then assign chores. If those chores don't get done then you DO NOT do them for them.

You need a family meeting. Sit down and lay out all that needs to be done and discuss who needs to do it. Perhaps start with a pre-meeting with your DH. Men can cook, do dishes, fold laundry, help with HW, make lunch....and children their ages can unload a DW, feed the pets, chose clothes for the next day, etc. It sounds to me like you started out just doing what needed to be done til it was all yours to do. So you need to change it. They may not like it, but a household runs better if everyone pitches in.

I think part of this is communication, and part of this is your doing things that you don't really need to do. I don't think you are lazy at all. But I think maybe you are a bit of a martyr - doing things that you don't need to do, and then complaining that you are tired.

First, look around and cut out the things you do that aren't really necessary. Your girls are definitely old enough to shower, find their own jammies, and lay out their own clothes for the next day completely on their own. Just stop doing these things. They can handle it, I promise. For school lunches - do you have to pack them? Can they buy lunch instead? It's ok to ask them if they have homework, but they should do it independently - you will be thankful that you made homework 100% their job later.

For the communication: Have you talked to your husband about this? I think the two of you need to talk, and make a chore chart for everyone - you have to do this WITH your husband, so that he has input into what he can/can't/will/won't do. Then, follow it and don't do their jobs! It's hard but I'm serious. If you decide that you will cook, and he will load the dishwasher, then after dinner, walk away from the table and don't do it (and DEFINITELY don't stand over his shoulder and tell him how to do it). For the kids, at ages 4 and 7, my kids were helping unload the dishwasher (4 year old did silverware, 7 year old did anything stored low, while I put away anything in high cabinets).

ETA: I read your comment that you've tried with your husband before. It might help to start by thinking this way: what ONE thing do you really really want off of your plate? If you could get rid of just one chore, and it would make your life so much better, what would it be? Maybe you get the kids ready for school, but he gets up a few minutes earlier and he takes them, so you can have 20 min of peace in the morning. Maybe you are ok in the morning, but evenings make you crazy, and you would be ok with the dinner stuff if he would just get the kids to the bath while you clean up the kitchen. Before you talk to him, prioritize your requests, and see if you can get him to commit to just 1 high priority thing.

Me? I went away for a long weekend!

My husband is a hands-on dad (2 kids from prior marriage) but we still had to work out our own thing with our own child.

The way to get them to do stuff is to stop doing it yourself. He sits on the couch, you sit on the couch. He doesn't make lunch, you don't make lunch.

Really. No one will starve. Let them HATE that there is no dinner, and let them eat cereal and PB&J sandwiches.

Here's a radical thought - let the kids NOT go to school one day because they weren't up and ready and dressed and fed. So what??? Really!! No one failed at life because they weren't in 2nd grade one day! It's dramatic, but it works.

The way low-wage workers got more rights is that they unionized, and developed standards. They went on strike. Go watch "Norma Rae" or any of a zillion movies on the Montgomery bus boycotts. You take away the workers, the management pays attention! You are slaving away as an uncompensated worker in your home while your "management" husband thinks his day is done after 8 hours. You have to stop.

Go away for a 2 or 3 day weekend. Don't take your cell phone (or at least turn if off and do not respond to ANY text messages!). Find a girlfriend or a sister or a mom or a college friend who needs to escape. Or go off on your own for something you would really enjoy - a bed and breakfast, a museum town, a beach, anything!

Tell your husband he's a parent and you trust him implicitly. Do not pre-make a zillion frozen dinners or give him a list of where the clean socks are. Don't food shop. He has a GPS, he can find the supermarket. He can figure out how to referee fights. The kids can figure out how to nag him that there's no toilet paper or that they need a permission slip for a field trip or help with homework. Honest to God, don't do ANY of this unless there is a severe medical condition and you need to tell him where someone's medication is! Otherwise, kiss them goodbye, get out of town, and go spoil yourself without guilt.

If you have to, calculate how many hours of extra sleep/relaxation your husband gets per week. Multiply that times 4.3 (the number of weeks per month). Multiply that times 12. That's how many hours you get, just to catch up for the last year.

Forbid yourself from feeling guilty. This is NOT your job! It took two people to make this family, it takes 2 people to run it. Let him run it.

Do not accept any BS from him. Tell him you have faith in his ability and his energy (since he's so well rested), and while you're at it, think about what standards you can relax. But by all means, let him function for a weekend! No one will die, I promise you, without a bath or a vegetable or a clean shirt. The only way to appreciate you is to live life without you.

So I read your question and didn't feel there was enough info to respond so thank you for your SWH.

I'm not sure how your daughters are ignoring and taking advantage of you as you just mentioned how your husband is. Totally sounds like he is shirking his share of responsibilities - I agree.

Your girls can look after things like getting themselves dressed, tidying up, getting ready in mornings, and helping with setting table, clearing it etc. Just start insisting they help you until they pick this up. Mine get the laundry from around the house, can help empty wastepaper baskets, etc. Mine help get everything for breakfast and lunch. Make it fun. But then it becomes part of their routine. If you do give out allowance, tie it in with that. I don't - in my house, if you don't help out - even the little ones, you don't eat.

Sounds like a very long and tiring day - you sound like a single mom. I hate to tell you, but once your girls are in after school or evening activities more and more as they get older, you're just going to be even more run off your feet.

You didn't mention what you have tried doing with your husband. Have you talked? What does he say when you tell him this isn't working for you?

Was he always like this? Did he help when you had babies? Men don't really change - my friends have left men who ultimately didn't raise a finger. I'm not saying that's the end result here but if you've talked to him and he's still playing games on his phone .. that's not a great sign. In our house, we take a time out when we need it. My husband needs 1/2 hour when he gets home to decompress. That's what we call it here - to unwind from the stress of work, before jumping in to help. I get 1/2 hour later. We alternate and cover for each other whoever needs it most. But we both help out. If your husband doesn't help out at mealtime, tell him he needs to chip in (laundry, dishes, etc.) later. That might work.

Otherwise if he won't help out, I'd suggest marriage counselor. They don't have all the answers, but they are a neutral party who get you to listen to each other. Good luck :)

I had a situation similar happen when my kids were young. I went on strike. I also went away for a week on a conference.

When I got back the kids were just the same and I told them that I would leave again and enjoy the peace and quiet. They soon got their acts together because they didn't like what dad's cooking.

You do what you have to do and you don't turn back you go forward on your path. Take care of you and stand your ground. The world won't fall apart and you will survive.

the other S.

Well your kids kind of expect you to take care of them so I don't know how they are taking advantage.
The husband on the other hand? Um no.
Why not trying acting like him for a few nights in a row and see how that goes.
Come home, take a bath, have a glass of wine, when the kids ask about dinner tell them to go talk to their dad.
After you make your point hopefully you can have a mature conversation with your husband about the reality of being a family.

You work on it little by little and again and again. You get the girls up to start pulling out 3 sandwich bags each and start loading chips in the bags while you make the sandwiches. If they want crust removed, tell them to peel it off. Then tell them to stuff the sandwiches in the bags. If they want to eat, they will do it. You wash the clothes and layer hubbys clothes in a laundry basket for him to fold if he chooses and put away if he chooses. You send the girls to ask their dad to do something you know he can handle.

I understand, my husband is the same way if I allow him. There are somethings I do and somethings I don't. I work full time and take care of our daughter almost always. I wash his clothes, but only to make a complete load. So if his favorite shirt is dirty, it's too bad, it's dirty. I used to wash, fold, and put away his clothes. The funny thing was when I stopped doing it and finally got sick of seeing his clothes on the coffee table...I stuffed his underwear in the drawer just like they came out of the dryer. Little did he know, I was awake and watching when he opened the drawer and saw the mess. I could see him in the cracks of my eyes checking the underwear to see if they were clean. It took all I had not to laugh. The option there is for him to wash it himself. In time your girls will be old enough, but I send my daughter up to shower by herself. If she asks me to come up stairs with her, I just say no. I always cook dinner only because my husband can't cook and when he tries, I refuse to eat. He's not picky and will eat just about anything I make. Tonight, I sent him up to read next weeks school work in advance. He said he didn't want to read that and I said he had to. He said he couldn't do school work because it's too hard, I said, "Okay, then let's switch, you make lunches". I made lunches and he read.

Stop giving the option to not do something.

Time for a retreat weekend for yourself.
Go off, get a room with room service, watch some movies, read a book, use the gym or pool - enjoy a few nice meals.
But mostly you need to look after YOU - while letting the others fend for themselves - for a whole week end.
Do this every so often.
No one appreciates what you do until you don't do it.
So cut yourself some slack and stop dong it every now and then.
Even when you're back home - do something for you.
Inform the family you are going to a yoga class once per week.
How they manage without you is their problem - and it's good for them.

Start by raising your daughters. I mean who else do you blame when your children are not doing what you expect of them? My kids are by no means perfect but when I don't see their imperfections as them making life harder on me. I see it as I am making life harder on myself by myself being too lazy to parent them. Then I have a choice, continue to do the work or teach my children that they are expected to do the work.

Have you asked your husband to do things or do you expect him to just know and do? I highly doubt you do everything, most people think they do more than everyone else, rarely is this actually the case. I assume your husband works as well.

I am mostly saying this because it is stupid to think you do it all yourself, then you leave your husband and realize you didn't do it all and all is a lot worse. I see so many women do this then they are really in a pickle.

Have you sat everyone down for a family meeting and told them how you feel and that it is time for everyone to pitch in? Get a posterboard (or 2) and write down all the house chores and all the kid related chores and split things up between the 4 of you. I know 7 and 5 is young but they can do some of the things and that will help train them to do more as they get older. My 6 year old feeds the cat, makes her bed, gets dressed and brushes her hair herself. (I put her hair up for her though) She also helps clear the table, loads her own things in the dishwasher, and puts away the silverware when the dishwasher has finished running. She also cleans windows and mirrors and sweeps the front porch/sidewalk. My 11 year old has chores that a bigger kid can handle. My husband and I don't split the household chores totally evenly since I am home more than he is...but he does clean up after dinner, helps kids with homework, does laundry (I fold) most of the time, puts the 6 year old to bed, plus other various household chores on the weekends. Anyway...have everyone write their name next to the chores they will take on. Tell your husband you cannot do all of these things by yourself anymore...that you are feeling run down, exhausted and you desperately need his help. I hope that he steps up. If he refuses you need to get serious about thinking if you really want to live with him...couples counseling is a good start. Another idea for you: I know a couple and they both live in separate houses (small ones) that are side by side. They are not divorced or separated. Their son goes back and forth to each house. They invite each other over. The wife says it's perfect...her house stays nice and clean and she does not feel pissed all the time. Her husband can be a total slob all he wants and she does not have to see it. He can cook and clean for himself. I kind of love this idea! PS - I just read the responses below and Diane B has the best answer!

If your husband wants to have a traditional role of being a husband and father perhaps you should quit your job so you can take care of all household items and your husband can bring home the paycheck.

Seriously, could you work PT?

This is way too much for you to be doing. I also work with my husband and we have occasional ebbs and flows with household work, but for the most part he helps a ton. I couldn't handle what you are trying to do each day. I'd have a family meeting and set up a new schedule. Let them know you'd need 2 days off from cooking meals, so maybe they help make frozen pizza and salad together, or they get takeout for you. Then I'd make a list of the daily chores and divide them up. Your little ones can help with one or two things a night. I find that if I keep the house organized and food stocked, then my family has an easier time helping me keep things up. Yes, I do a majority of the work as far as cleaning and scheduling, but they do help. My husband makes the kids' lunches each day. Maybe your husband can take that on? I'd basically get a list made and ask what he wants to do to help. Then he can decide when he will do it each day. I hope he starts stepping up. No fair if you are doing the same job outside the home and then you do everything for the household on top of that! Also, side note, start doing simpler meals during the week or cooking something on the weekend that can be reheated during the week. I cut down on cooking during the week and plan my meals around activities and it helps a ton. We do healthy cooking, but some nights we do soup and sandwiches, or homemade burritos that are super fast, or chili, since i basically throw everything in a pot and can do other things while it's cooking. It has saved me a ton of time each evening and frees me up to help with homework and do laundry. Yay. ;)

It sounds like it is time for you and your husband to have a real conversation about this. You need to set up a schedule where there are nights that you cook and nights that he cooks, and one the nights one cooks the other does bed time. Also alternate who gets up in the morning to get the kids off to school, or both of you get up and do it together to take the pressure off, one of you making breakfast while the other does lunches and gets the kids dressed. Other chores, like laundry and the like need to be split evenly, and the kids are old enough to start helping with some of those chores as well, like vacuuming and dusting. Maybe consider paying them a small allowance.

Your girls are young. They're not taking advantage of you. They're just being kids. I'm not big on giving kids a lot of chores or anything as they are kids, not little adults. So I have always worked full time and still not had my kids at those ages do much to help. I think the issue is your husband. I will say I did way more than my husband too but he was working longer hours than me. Still got me mad though bc weekends he wouldn't step up. Counseling and going away for a week are good ideas but not easy to actually do. So you could start smaller and do not do his laundry, do not make dinner for him etc. Anything you are doing that benefits him and he needs done, stop. Just do for you and the girls. And do they really need to shower every night by the way? Make dinner very simple for you and the girls. He can fend for himself. I also made a list of all the things I take care of and all he does. Seeing it on paper did help my husband realize a little how lopsided things were. And do you have two cars? Can you drive yourself and leave an hour early to get home earlier to help with homework? Or go in later to give yourself a break? Don't care if he argues. Just say you can't do it all. You need to cut back your hours unless he will help. Do you have cleaning people? If not, hire someone. Don't argue with him. Just show him the list of what you do and say it's too much unless he helps so you are hiring people. End of story. Good luck.

First, people can only take advantage of you if you let them. So stop letting them. Unlike the other responders, I get that you really do have to help with homework at this age. The 5 year old can't read the directions, but once you give her the directions, she should be able to complete the homework on her own. Same with the 7 year old. You can do reading with her when she's in bed - you and she read the bedtime story together, each taking a turn at reading. Hopefully, you can talk to hubby and get him to agree to doing the dishes while you're helping with homework and then, again hopefully, he will agree to supervise showers and pjs while you make lunches for the next day. All he should really have to do is check the temp of the water for them and send them in when it's their turn. I also think you should ask him to wake up a few minutes earlier and drive the kids to school so you can have a cup of coffee before you have to get yourself out the door. I think your biggest problem is not communicating what you need/want to your hubby in a non-judgmental way.

TELL them that you are DONE with doing everything at home,
The kids are old enough to bathe themselves and put on their own pajamas. TELL them, "It's bath time. Go bathe."
Buy a loaf of bread and a jar o f peanut butter and make that supper until you get some help in the kitchen.
Wash your own clothes, teach kids how to use the machines, and make husband and kids responsible for theirs.
The kids are old enough to make themselves cereal for breakfast.
They are also old enough to be responsible for their own homework. I didn't nag my kid about her homework, She either did it or she didn't do it. Not my circus, not my monkey.

Good advice below but I'd make sure and set up a chore chart for the kids and ask your husband to take care of some routine stuff as well i.e. yards, cooking a weekend meal, strips the beds on Saturdays etc. You need a break, go take one.

The only one taking advantage of you is your husband. BUT you let him. Your girls are still very young and need a to of guidance. He has to be 'in charge' of one of them; help with homework, pick out clothes, brush teeth, read to her, etc. Set up a new schedule. Maybe you get up with girls and get them dressed, fed etc but he takes them to school so you can clean up the morning mess and shower.

I feel for you because I made the mistake of setting my household up like you did. I got burnt out and exploded. Things changed because I had to put my foot down and demand change. Men and kids don't change easily so be patient but FIRM.

when you figure it out let me know, even my husbands family yells at him for this one