My Teenager Is Going to Be the Death of Me.

I have a wooden plaque that hangs in my room, It says:

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

AAAAHHH It couldn't be more true. I have a 15 yo too. Let's run away together to Jamaica and let them run the world, k??

You just perfectly described what happened in my house today… I think I will give my teenager more chores so he actually has something to complain about.
Hang in there. HUG

I was her when I was that age. My mom hated it. I feel kinda bad for being a lay around, wait on me, teenager now, but not TOO bad, haha. I just never wanted to do anything my mom told me to do. It must be some kind of control thing. I was like that tho till I moved out at 18. I spent most of my time grounded in my room for being a "selfish, lazy brat", but it didnt bother me. I liked being alone, laying on my bed listening to AM radio and reading, it worked for me. The only time I would do chores willingly was when I was wanting something.

You need to keep reminding yourself that although she LOOKS like an adult...and sometimes even ACTS like and adult...and even though she claims she is ready for adult responsibilities and freedoms...she is still a CHILD!! Her hormones are raging...it is like living with someone with multiple personalities!!! ( My 3 daughters are now 17, 19 and 35....I have BTDT!!) The really hard HARD part is that YOU have to be the adult...you have to not let her make you over-react to her...stay calm...don't get angry...breath and count to 10 ( or 20 or 30 maybe 100) before your respond to her.
Instead of asking her things that invite a sarcastic or snarky response....make clear, calm, kind and loving statements or requests. For instance..instead of saying "Now WHY on earth did you put that bagels back in the sack instead of putting them in the breadbox where they belong".....say something like "Honey...how about we get these groceries put away right quick and then we can sit town over a cup of tea and relax??" Now I am not telling you that is going to guarantee a sweet and loving response from her...but at least she isn't quite as likely to come back at you with a horrible response. AND you haven't gotten your anger on the rise before it even got a chance to go smoothly.
I can remember SO well how my daughters and I would exchange smart and hurtful things....how I wish I could go back and change all of that...somehow they managed to turn into smart, loving, adorable women IN SPITE of me....lol. So don't think you are alone....and don't think that your daughter is out of the ordinary...she is just struggling to figure out who she is and where she fits in the world...and she is depending upon her family to be there for her...guiding her and loving her....inspite of everything she dishes out to you!!!
Good luck to you...this too shall pass....I promise!!!

I think you hit the nail on the head in your last paragraph "I do everything in the world for that child". Have you read your questions for the past two years? She is really out of control and needs to be pulled back in. I never would have accepted disrespectful backtalk for years....that won't work in my home. She should have a list for daily and weekly chores, she should be doing her own laundry. Why is she allowed to lay around for days? I would have given her a midol and sent her butt back to school. My daughter needs to contribute 30 minutes to the house when she gets home from school, even on days she works so it doesn't leave much time. I can't imagine her intentionally hurting my feelings, we work as a team (and she knows I can bring her charmed life to a screeching halt).

Welcome to teen world, where it's drama, drama, drama all the time. Over here, we have the Mean Mom who made the teenager clean her room and GASP! fold laundry! And over here is the Mean Dad who didn't give the teenager the car for his big night out because he didn't clean the garage! Next up, the horrible details about having to call home and be embarrassed because "none" of their other friends have to, so why should they?

I would keep enforcing the rules. I'm sorry she's being rude. I currently have a pile of towels someone was supposed to fold and put away before leaving for Spring Break and didn't, the same someone who acts like we've removed her arm when she has to unload the dishes. Oh, the horror.

Hang in there. We also have a 21 yr old who (though he said at 17 that getting a job was "ruining" his childhood - a direct quote) is actually a nice human being. Most of them do come around again.

First of all, teenagers can turn into the devil right before your very eyes.
I went through it with my daughter.
We're awful, we're horrible, we don't understand, blah, blah, blah.
I don't know why, but girls seem to conflict more with their mothers. Maybe it's estrogen, I don't know.

Two things in your post stuck out for me.
One was that she said, "Why don't you just give me a list of what you want me to do?"
I say do it.
Give her a list of the things you expect her to do as opposed to verbally telling her. For instance, when you bring home groceries, she is to put them away. If she gets something out to eat, she is to put it away.
Don't be abstract about "pulling her weight"....give her an actual list.
If she loves her iPod so much, she will complete the things on the list. If not, then the iPod can become history.
The other thing you said was "I have done everything in the world for that child". That's not always a good thing.
Mentioning her being able to care for herself on her own just opened the door for her to say she can't wait to get out.
Everything doesn't have to be a battle, but things can get worse before they get better. She doesn't have to like you, but she does have to show you some respect. AND.....it does get better.
At least it did for me and my daughter.
I was a single working mom and I didn't have time for her foolishness. I also didn't have money to buy things like iPods, especially if she had a bad attitude. I mentioned a few days ago that I surprised her with a cell phone for her birthday (I didn't even have one) and she said she didn't like it because it wasn't the same kind her friends had. The phone went back. She kissed it good-bye. She didn't get one until she got a job and paid for one, including the monthly plan, herself. She's my daughter and I loved her, but I didn't have to do anything for someone who couldn't at least speak nicely to me. Did she think I was mean? You better believe it!
But, she's a very independent 24 year old now getting ready to have her own baby.

Realize that some blow ups are just that. And for some reason, teenage girls can be especially professional when it comes to such things. My teenage son is so mellow, it's hard to believe they're even related when I look back at how tough she was sometimes.

All I can say is that I'm fairly positive this will pass with time and you'll both survive it.

Best wishes.

It is tough, I know. I have a 14 yo daughter. I just try to remember that they are not normal or rational at this age. They are driven by hormones and totally emotional and not normal humans yet. I think when they hit about 17 or 18 they start coming back to reality. You didn't do anything wrong. But one suggestion, make your husband deal with her. Wait for him to get home and tell him what he needs to tell her to do. Sometimes it is better to take yourself out of the situation, especially if she doesn't have the disrespect toward him. It will be good for him as well. Hang it there. You are not alone and I know it isn't easy but you are doing a good job and she will turn out great after all the drama is said and done.

Mothers & daughters, what fun... NOT in the teenage years! My middle daughter is almost 17, and finally coming back to earth. They do become reasonable again, but oh my, the teenage years are trying, to say the least. Learning to set limits was the biggest thing for me. When my daughter was mouthy, pushing buttons, what finally worked, was to tell her not to speak to me until she wants to be civil, and be firm about it. But thats this year, and like I said, she's almost 17, with reason returning.. Im a few years off from this with DD #3, and I have big hopes for getting it right this time! Its a phase, Im sure your a good mom. Chin up, it will get better.

Hi Lisa, since you have made MANY posts over the course of the past TWO YEARS regarding behavioral problems with your daughter, maybe it's time to call in the experts? She might like having a therapist, it's stylish these days!

:)

I feel like this could have been a post from my mom 25 years ago! It's (unfortunately) the nature of the beast, but you should continue to remind her of the things you did and do stuff like taking away the ipod. My mother referred to my years between 13-18 as "bitchdom" and I remember my older aunt with an older daughter telling her, "You feel like ypu've lost yhem for awhile, but they come back by 20." Keep it up and most likely she'll be your sweet girl again in a few years! Make as many good times as possible during this time.

Teenagers can be wretched. I think God made them difficult so when they get older and move away you won't be so sad. That said, this little book really helped me with my teenagers:
How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk. by Faber and Mazlisch. (not sure if I spelled those names right but you can find the book on Amazon.)

Sorry you had such a dismal exchange. Neither your needs nor your daughter's were met. It can be different. I can't recommend strongly enough the wise and wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Get the teen version (How to Talk So Teens Will Listen…). You'll wonder how you ever got along without it.

Wow! Your big little girl sounds like she's giving you some excellent sass. I'd be frustrated too.

Here's what I'd do:
Give her the list of everything you want her to do. Don't talk to her about it, just hand it to her, list the task and when it needs to be done.

Try a "this weekend, you get it your way", and let her be independent. Don't make any food for her. Don't wash her dishes, her clothes. Don't ask her to clean her room. Don't drive her anywhere. Don't go overboard, just the basics, and get your husband on board with this. He should be supportive of you, and understand that she won't see the light if he doesn't back you up. See what sort of conversation comes out of it.

Lastly, I'd strongly suggest "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. This will give you a lot of strategies for nonverbal communication with reluctant, misbehaving children, and will help you learn how to involve her in the resolution and problem-solving processes around these issues.

Good luck!

I have a 14 and 15 year old... i hear you! I really do write them a list though. They need to know what is expected. I give them a few days to do it. If they do a good job they are rewarded. If not, they know they are not going anywhere until it gets done. Well, they know that "devil mom" will show up and they dont like that....lol! I have noticed that teenagers want, want, want. I tell them that. I also tell them that if they give, give, give.... they can have what they want.... in reason :)

ps. the toddler stage is a piece of cake compared to teenagers. i never believed that until i hit that stage.....yikes!

Teenager stage is a tough time. I always laughed at my parents when they said this. I have now found four greys. I swear they gave them to me! I wish you luck....if you lived closer i would invite you to my back porch for a glass of pinot noir and a vent session ;)

I hope I don't have to go through this when my son gets to that age.
It depends on how well you can talk to her but maybe an example would be better.
There must be something(s) you do for her that she needs done on a reliable time table- laundry? cooking? shopping? other favors?
When she gives you attitude, then you take a break from being Mom and not do your usual favors for her. When she asks, tell her you'll do them later - when you feel like it.
If she's bright she'll catch on.
If you think you can talk, then she needs to know for most people the world doesn't stop when we feel bad.
Sorry she gets crampy few days a month but she needs to suck up her attitude.

I am betting that since you have such a good relationship otherwise that she feels attacked when you ask her to do something. We know you are not, but she still feels like you are. She suggested a list, I think that is a great idea. In fact I think you should start having her be self sufficient. Do her own laundry (wash, dry, and put away... if she leaves it in the washer, put it in her hamper and leave it for her to find, same for the dryer... she also should have a 25 dollar a month clothing allowance so she can update her wardrobe as she needs), make one meal per week for the family, be in charge of cleaning a public room in the house every day with deep cleaning every week.

You haven't done anything wrong except she sounds like an overindulged, spoiled little princess. My 16 year old daughter is the same way. You did the right thing by taking away her ipod--stick to your guns! I know it is very hard, but do not take her remarks to heart. The best thing to do is walk away and not give her attention. Whoa is her, she's playing the victim here and you are the bad guy.

Here's what I do when my daughter gets like that: I learned this from my old school European mother. When I was a teen and I said something snotty or disrespectful to my mother, her reply was: "You think you are so smart, don't you? I don't need you. You need me. You are nuts and you need a good psychiatrist." Those were some harsh words, but they registered and stopped my bad behavior. It works with my daughter too.

I remeber growing up my mom had a list on the fridge of what we were expected to do everyday before dinner, like dishes, a load of laundry, etc. Maybe that would be helpful to her? I also remeber being a teen and going through a phase where I just didn't think my mom understood me (bless her heart she was an amazing mother to me!) I sounds totally normal but its so hard for you.

You aren't doing anything wrong. From what I could tell from your post you have great instincts....... but often teens just stink!

Try to toughen up and not take things she says too personally. (Hard to do I know..... my kids make me cry too) Your daughter will come back to you. Right now she is confused, but she doesn't even know why. Hormones are raging. She is probably worse around her period too!

I do agree with her on one thing......... go buy the LOVE and LOGIC books. It's a great reference for knowing what to do! In fact one of the techniques is exactly what you did...... "I walked away from her then and told her when she wanted to talk to me in a civil manner then I would talk to her."

Just do your best to avoid anger and model patience in a calm understanding voice.

p.s. this is normal stuff. No drugs, no sex, no crime....... you're doing great!

Ugh! I am so not looking forward to the teen years. My oldest is twelve, so it won't be long.

I said some pretty rotten things to my parents when I was a teenager too. Now we have a great relationship and talk every day, so try not to be too hurt by her comments. She's at that stage where she thinks she already knows everything that could possibly be of any real importance, and you were obviously raised in the Dark Ages or something.

I found a book that has really good reviews. Maybe it'll help.

http://www.amazon.com/Little-Secret-Dealing-Teens/dp/1558...

Hang in there!!! :)

I hate to tell you but that's a teenager for you. They all go through some sort of rebellion, some more than others. She is struggling for her independence, thinks she knows everything and doesn't understand why she isn't allowed to do what she wants when she wants. I have a 19 year old that I thought I wouldn't survive but I did. I have two more to go through. Having a small child to care for is a whole lot easier than raising a teenager! Having a root canal w/o novacaine, is easier at times. LOL...but somehow, someway we get through it. You have to remember something that helped me some. Our brains aren't finishing developing until our mid 20's. And the last things to develop is logic and reasoning so there's no reasoning with a teenager. What makes sense to us, is foreign to them. And on top of that they think they are invincible, that nothing bad can happen to them. We are here to be thier parent, not their friend. The way I looked at it is if my daughter never said, I don't like you, leave me alone, I hate you, etc.....then I didn't do my job. You are trying to raise a responsible caring adult who will work for what they want and need not someone who expects everything to be handed to them. Unfortunately our kids will not know what we did for them completely or what we went through for them until they themselves have kids of their own. All we can do is raise them in the best way we know and hope that they learned something along the way and make the right decisions in life. Don't let what she says get to you personally. She loves you don't ever forget that. My daughter said a lot of hurtful things to me during those years but she has begun to see things in a different light. Now, with all this said, I am definitely not looking forward to the teenage years with my two youngest, a 7 year old daughter and a 19 month old son. Yep, I've got my work cut out for me. Well, from one mom to another, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep doing what you are doing and it will pay off. Good luck!

I think giving her a list of daily and weekly (like Tues and Fri - laundry, etc) chores would be good. That way she can do them in a priority setting of her choosing - knowing she has to get them all done within a certain time frame.

The part about avoiding you and can't wait to get out of the house... I'd chaulk that up to age and hormones. I can definitely imagine how much that would hurt.

Yeah, I *was* your daughter 15 years ago....*sigh* my poor mom!

My best advice would be to stay as calm as possible - not easy, I know. But it takes 2 to argue and if you refuse to engage her it'll be less likely to escalate to a screaming match.

And hey, maybe you SHOULD give her a list of everything you expect of her. She asked for it! Give her a list of daily and weekly chores and expected behaviour. At least then she can't claim that 'she didn't know'. Also, spell out consequences to not completing her tasks. For example, if she doesn't do her alloted chores during the week then she doesn't go out on the weekend.

My oldest is only 4.5 but we're already getting eye-rolling, huffy sighs, snarky attitude and rude retorts....well, my mom always wished for me to have a child just like I was! hahaha

You and your daughter are on 2 different platforms.

It sounds like you are actually 2 totally different personalities.
Were you like her at all at this age? Were you social? Were you a performer? Did you disobey your parents?

If not, then you need to learn what makes your daughter tick. Is it bribes, threats, taking things away, Is it more compliments and more positive attention to the things she does do?
If you were just like her, think about what would have given you motivation in these situations.

You have expectations and she does not care.
This is the communication part. You know what you expect her to do.
She is either not mature enough/smart enough to know what needs to be done. , She has not been told/or did not listen to what your expectations are or, she just needs to be reminded every time.

Yes, there are some people that have to be told and asked every time. They think instructions are for each interaction. You can change that by, giving the instruction every time until they tell you to "stop, because they know what needs to be done." If they fall back into the trap of not doing what needs to be done, you go back to giving the exact instructions every time.. This is even true with some adults at work too.

You want to be involved in her life, She thinks you should be involved and she takes advantage of you.She seems to take you for granted.
I am sure you and your mother enjoy being part of her social, school life, but if she takes it for granted or is not showing you respect and gratitude, you need to call her out on it..

FYI, if she has good friends, they will usually call her on it too when they see and hear this,. No one likes to see a child be ugly to their parents, when their parents have worked so hard to help.

You can be honest with her. "I have put in over 100 hours to help you on your (insert her interest) and you are not willing to at least do the same for me by helping around the house every chance you get? "

"I think I am realizing you just think I am supposed to do this, but since you do not really appreciate it, I was helping you so you could spend more time on your school work, dance,( whatever her projects are) but I am no longer going to do this. I am going to let you take care of this stuff on your own. I thought I was helping, but I can tell I just irritate you."

And then let her take care of all of the little things you do. Could be she really does need to do her own laundry, Make her own appointments. Make her own lunch, Find a ride home. Find someone else to do the hemming, run errands with. I know this is the part that will be hard for you because you feel like these are the times, you get alone time with her, but she is totally taking you for granted. She needs a wake up call. And even she has not realized everything you do and how much help it really is for her.

She thinks life revolves around her, but you have no idea why she is this way.
This is all happening because this is the part of the teen years. She has to start taking responsibility for her own choices. She needs to have some failures (that she has brought on herself) , because once she is not at home, she will have to have those coping skills. A person cannot grow emotionally, if they are always being saved. It is not real life. You are not going to lose her, instead you are going to begin to see some maturity. She is always going to need you, but right now, she needs you to let her take responsibility for her behaviors and choices.

I am sending you strength and patience. Teens are all over the place.
You can love her, but let her be more responsible for her every day life.

Do not depend on her to validate you. She is still too immature/clueless to realize it is important to you.

try to be more understanding.. you never know what happens in school... when she get home from school try to ask her if she is hungry, what happened in school, did she have a bad or good day, let her rest then tell her to do her assignments if she is done ask for her help.. this is the way i wanted to be treated at home if i were a teenager... maybe she is going through something so you have to understand that... teenage years is a bit hard... let her know you love her... write her a letter.. i salute you for thinking things over and analyzing what happened.. you are not a bad mom, when you are tired little things can make you react like hell....
relax and chill out.. try a girls bonding time.. spend a day with her..

A chore list is a good place to start, but you also need to be real specific with her on how you want her to conduct herself. For instance, if you expect her to help put away groceries tell her.
Your post sounds a lot like my relationship with my mother when I was a teenager. I remember feeling very attacked and blindsided with expectations of "being a contributing member of the family"" I did have an extensive chore list but then there were all those things that she though I coulda/woulda/shoulda done if I were just a nicer better person. You need to teach her how to be that person because she doesn't "just know."

okay, so my kids are really young (3 and 9 months) so I don't have any experience with having teenagers myself, but I clearly remember having arguments like this with my mom. I would yell at her "why don't you love me" or when I didn't say happy mothers day one year she told me it really hurt her feelings, and I said to her "well, thats just not me to say that." Ugh! She used to get upset with me for laying around all the time, and not cleaning up after myself in the kitchen etc. How I wish I could take back some of those arguments with my mom. Was she perfect? No, but she did the best she could and I was just a dumb teenager and we have a great relationship now. I bet you are doing just great! I am sorry that you have to go through this though.

Hang in there. I think a lot of them goes through this phase. I know if I had said that to my mom or dad I would have a list waiting for me when I got home the next day. Then it would be, these get done before you (listen to IPod, watch T.V, talk on the phone etc) When you get attitude, shrug, "It was your idea". She doesn't do it, she doesn't get to do anything she wants. She'll learn eventually.

I have a six year old boy but I really empathize with you. In my opinion, when she said, "Why don't you give me a list of everything you want me to do", I would have said thank you that sounds like a great idea. I think we can communicate better if I write down tasks you need to do and you can accomplish them by the end of the day. If she gets sassy with you, don't yell just calmly tell her that you will talk with her when "you" can see she is ready to talk. I think teenagers look for those fights and you feed into it when your reaction increases and escalates the situation. When she is calm and back to her senses is probably the best time to talk to her. Good luck!

Take the iPad away you are catering to a spoiled manipulating kid who knows how to hurt you. She probably doesn't tell you "everything" that happened during her day, she most likely tells you what "she" feels would be the most beneficial for your to hear. I suspect you are NOT as involved as you might think. When you ask your teen to do something and she reacts like a little Bee???.....All her perks are "suspended" and in addition to the iPad, no phone, no computer, no going out with the BFFs, she's grounded, end of story.

You have given her much more then she deserves.......Take charge mom, or you will not be giving the world a good and decent person to carry on for your family.

Blessings.

She's 15, there's nothing you've done or can do. I gave my mom hell for about a year and then we were best friends forever.. good luck, I know my mom had to feel the way you do. She growing up and will be a pain in the butt for a while. Good luck.

it sounds like she's going through something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. She stayed home from school, and left earlt twice. Maybe friends in school, or a boy. Who knows? But this isn't gonna be the last of the back talk. Trust me! I have a 17 year old and it can be very challenging. Now that she's older, I have to remember that she is almost an adult, so we converse instead of yelling. By the end of the convo, she realizes that I'm not trying to get on her nerves, but I'm preparing her for the world. She used to try to test me with her mouth when she was younger, but soon found out that she had NO WINS!! Lol.

Oh man, would you be 14 again for any amount of money in the world? Not me. However, that doesn't excuse her behavior. Some people (my parents) think it does, I don't. She's going to be sassy, and you should do what you're doing. Taking away priveleges, things like that. I know it hurts your feelings when she's just downright ugly to you. Stay calm, don't yell back at her (when you can help it) and don't go military style either, that's might just push her over the edge. HOWEVER, give her that list =). Put real thought into it and if it says things like "help me prepare the kitchen for groceries, and then help me put the groceries away" so she can't knowingly pull a stunt like the bagels again. Really, she'll have less excuses if you lay it all out. It might seem like common sense, but teenagers rarely have any sense...I'm not even quite sure they aren't aliens for a while...good luck

It sounds like you handled things perfectly. I would have responded the same way to every one of those situations. I just had a similar conversation with my daughter yesterday and she's only 9. I can only imagine how she'll be in a few more years. God help me! I agree that maybe your daughter should have more responsibilities. She asked for the list of chores, so provide her with one along with consequences for not doing it. And don't let her hurtful words get under your skin. Kids, especially girls, will say the most hurtful things as retaliation for not getting their way. Read the book Love and Logic. It teaches you calm, consistent things to do and say when your kids act out. When we started using this with our daughter, she soon realized that her words weren't hurting us.

I'm a mom of 3 girls and boy, do I know your pain! I have a 16 year old daughter who has become a whole other, somewhat unlikable, person this past year. I have absolutely no answers for you since I have the same struggles -- she says hurtful things, tells me I'm not involved in her life (oh, yes I am!), has decided to do only the school work that interests her leading to failing grades, doesn't want to talk to me, etc. I feel like a complete failure. Of course, I do recall giving my parents are hard time when I was a teen but they truly weren't involved and although I'm not perfect I think I'm doing a better job than they did. But I work full time and have two other children (one is a 12 year old . . . yikes, and she's already starting with the attitude!) . . . it's exhausting, isn't it? But keep trying to talk to her . . . it's an ongoing process.

Here's my advice: don't battle over the small stuff.

try discipling her. obviously she acts like that because you are letting her and always have. get a grip of your daughter before she gets completely out of control

maybe she was just feeling like all of us do when we're on our period - bitchy, bloated, crampy & pissed off in general. idk girl, i think you were right in everything you did/said. i have a 2 yr old so i can't give good advice, but i feel like i can still sorta remember being 15 years old. tough time on her and sounds like an even tougher time on you. now that i'm a mama, i now realize how MUCH our babies can hurt us, omg, i had no idea! for now, i say just leave her alone, keep doing what you're doing by letting her know you're there for her & love her dearly. when she's over her period b.s. tell her what you said really hurt you. whenever i did something like that, i always felt very remorseful when Mom told me I hurt her feelings b/c i loved my mom so much...and your daughter loves you too, she's just going through a lot internally & you're not who she wants to snuggle up to right now...but i think just for now. jmo, but well wishes being sent your way. i'm sorry you're going through this. :(

As many have said, her behavior is totally normal. I was SO not prepared for having a teenage girl! My son is almost 18 and has (almost) never given us any trouble, good kid, nice friends, helps out when asked. My daughter? HA! Fights me on everything. I feel like a drill seargant, she's constantly gounded, losing privileges, etc. There is literally no joy in parenting her at this moment :(
One thing that has helped ease the strain is giving her more responsibility for taking care of herself. She does her own laundry (including bedding and towels) and packs her own lunch, and if she wants money to go to the movies or dinner with friends, she knows I'm not just going to give it to her. She has to earn it first, usually by washing the family car or some other unpleasant chore I'd rather not do :)
If you continue to be SO giving to her, she will continue to take.
And I doubt she's telling you everything, they are master manipulators at this age, so keep that in mind.
I hope what everyone says is true and that this, too shall pass. My own teen years were so different than hers (I was sent to live with an aunt because my mom was such a mess) it's really hard for me to relate. I was truly grateful for what I had!

The book "Have A New Kid by Friday" by Kevin Lehman is an AWESOME book with great, low-stress advice for situations exactly like this - check it out! The second half of the book is indexed by situations (attitude, not helping, etc) and what he recommends to do.

Teens want independence, can be lazy, and sometimes resentful of their families - but this shouldn't be tolerated just because of their age. Disrespect for each other, regardless of age or family position, is not ok. She needs to be held accountable for this fact and not allowed to express rudeness or disrespect.

As a parent, validate her feelings while also teaching her appropriate ways to express them: "I know you're tired - I'm tired too - but you may not roll your eyes at me like I'm an idiot. That is disrespectful and rude and I wouldn't do that to you. I would appreciate your help in washing the dishes. If we work together, we'll be done sooner and can curl up with a movie". When the task is completed, thank her and tell her how much it is appreciated, but don't link her value to the fact that she did what you asked ("you're such a good girl"). Just acknowledge the work and the fact that she helped.

If the task isn't done, Kevin Lehman would advise that the next time she asks you for ANYTHING (a ride, a snack, etc) you casually tell her you don't feel like it and DO NOT give in at that moment, even if she apologizes to get her way. If she says sorry, say "I appreciate that. I will be happy to take you where you need to go when your chores are finished". No yelling. She won't like it at first, but will soon realize that respect, help, and working together to help each other is a two-way street.

Good luck!