My Son's Good Friend Wants Him to Play at His House and Rarely Ours

It's really important for kids' self-esteem that they have playmates over to their house. They like to "show off" where they live, share their toys, etc. Even if you don't have much to show by adult standards, it doesn't matter to kids. They really like to host their friends.
I don't think you need to be pushy, I think you could just say, "It's so great when you take the boys - it really does give me a break and I appreciate that - but it's important to Billy that he have Stevie over to his house, too. So this week, I'd like to take them here. Billy's really excited to share some of his new toys and show Stevie his room, etc..." I can't imagine her arguing with the desires of a 6 year old, but if she does, I'd just say that it's important for kids to host some of the time, so this week you'd like to do that. Period.

My daughter has severe food allergies, so I get nervous when she goes to another house. There are a lot of things that I have to point out that might be dangerous and it makes me sound a little crazy. As well as giving a tutorial on how to use an Epi-pen, which usually freaks people out a bit. Might be something like that (as I think another poster mentioned).

When my daughter was little, I had no problem having play dates at our house (no problem with the other parents), as well as playdates at their houses. But had there been any issues, I would have been concerned, because this is the best way to get to know your children's friends. That parent is taking the opportunity away from you. If it's a matter of food allergies, or pet allergies, there's no reason for her not to educate you on that. It would be more beneficial for her child for other parents to know more about any conditions her child has like that.

In first grade this probably isn't as big a problem, but when my daughter was about 10, she had a friend over that just left me with an unsettled feeling. She was very secretive, and it left me feeling very uncomfortable. As we got to know her better, it turned out that she was also very bossy, very selfish, and very deceitful. We never would have known about these things, especially the dishonesty, had we not had those play dates in our house.

During her teenage years, there were a couple of friends that wouldn't hang out with her at our house, and those friendships seemed to be the ones that were the most troublesome.

So, my advice is, I think if it were me, I'd insist on playdates being split between the two homes. You need to know who your child's friends are. Even at 6.

Good luck to you, and don't give up on it!!!

maybe she feels that she is doing you a favor by taking them. whenever my friend and I set up playdates for our boys (they are still very young...only 2) I feel like I should insist that they come here because I know what a mess they can make and feel bad to have that mess at her house...another thing that you mentioned is that maybe she just feels more comfortable about having the kids play at her house...maybe she just feels like she needs to keep an eye on her child so she knows she can do that if the kids play at her house. Is there some reason, other than just feeling you should, that you want the kids at your house? If she is more comfortable having the kids at her house maybe you should leave well enough alone...however, if it really bothers you just tell her that since the kids always play at her house, you would really love it if they came to your house this time...tell her the truth...good luck!

in my opinion it is not a problem it is a blessing. as much as i love children i have no problem having them go someplace else for playdates. I would continue to offer up your house for playdates and not worry about it. it seems like she has a slight issue of sending him over to others houses which is totally fine she's just trying to be a good mom.

The only thing I can think of...
Do you have animals at your house and they don't at theirs?

Or, maybe she's kinda a control freak (me, lol) and just wants to be the one keeping an eye on her son.

T.

In all my years I have never heard of a teacher that was too timid to put her foot down when necessary. Treat the mom like a child if you have to; sounds like that's how she's acting anyway. Tell her that she always has the children and it's your turn! It's a matter of sharing the kids and responsibility. Sounds like she always got her way and that's what she's use to. As long as there are no "safety issues, dirt, you staying on the phone, etc." she should go along with you.

Hmm, tough one. Maybe next time state that Johnny can come play at our house today and if not, we'll have to catch you next time. I am sure your son will be upset over the issue but I think I would feel uncomfortable if my child was always over at someone else's house, for various reasons. If she doesn't bite after that, maybe ask "I hate to ask, but my son would really like it for your son to play at our house, is there any reasoning as to why you prefer them always at your house?"

Since she's a good friend, I think you should just be straight with her. Just say, "My son really wants to have a playdate at his house, and I'd really like that too. Let's switch off days. Really, it's no problem for me." If she still insists on her house, ask her why.

I know I prefer to have playdates at my house because my son is the sensitive type who gets crazy in unfamiliar surroundings. I just tell people that he's like that and insist that I go with him the first few times. So, maybe tell her she's welcome to stay with her son -- you guys can chat while they play.

S., maybe her son his kind of nervous going to anyone elses house and that is why she always has kids over at her house. When my son was in first grade he wanted to a go to a classmates house after school to play. I knew the mom and we had made arrangements days before. So after school my son went home with her and his classmate and within a half hour I got a call that he wanted to come home. I went to pick him up and he was fine but wanted to come home. Maybe that child is that same. Some kids can go with anyone and not blink an eye and then there are other kids who just don't feel comfortable when going to someone elses home. Ask the mom. Maybe that is the problem.

As someone who prefers to host playdates, I would suggest you not take it personally. I know I prefer to because my son has a lot of allergies (food and environment) and my kid doesn't always know everything he can have or not have. Our home is just safer for him.

Maybe her other child feels left out when her son has a playdate at someone else's house? That could be a factor too. It may be easier for her to watch an extra child than to have one needy child at home alone who feels left out. (I'm definitely not suggesting you invite both kids over.)

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she has a good reason until you have concrete reason to believe otherwise. She would probably be shocked to learn this is a big issue for you.

I am going through the same thing right now. We have a neighbor that has a 4 year old son, my son just turned 6 and they like to play, but he or his parents always come over and ask if my son can play, then he will go over there, (right across the road) and play and eat snacks, etc. The neighbor boy is shy, atleast around me, although I try to make him feel as welcome as possible. Don't get me wrong, I like the parents, we even go over for bon fires and had pizza with them last Sunday, but I feel as though they are taking on all the responsilbility of watching the kids, and I am not doing my part. I am like you and just do not know how to approach it, without sounding like I don't trust them or don't want my son over there.

Tell her what you told us - that your son would like to have her son over to show him his toys, etc. If she seems hesitant, explain your experience with kids and say that you would like to return the favor since your son has been to their home so many times.

What about offering the next time that she can opt to come, too, or drop him off? Maybe she just needs to see him happy in your environment before feeling confident that she could leave him.

Maybe her child is more comfortable at home, or she is worried about her child's behavior at your house. Don't take it personally, she may have good reason and not be willing to share it with you yet. Just keep offering every once in a while to have him over, and don't worry about it if she doesn't take you up on it.

A.

S.,

I would simply be honest with her. The next time you suggest a playdate and she jumps in with her having the kids, just tell her thank you and you appreciate the kind offer, but your son has really been looking forward to having his friend over to share some of his toys at his house (don't forget to mention the house part so you don't end up having an offer to have him bring his toys over to her house). Then ask if that would be okay with her this time. If she pushes back, ask her if she perhaps doesn't feel comfortable having her son over to your house or if maybe she'd feel more comfortable coming along, bring her younger child, and you two can have some time to sit and chat with coffee, and maybe have something planned for the younger child.

I think this approach wouldn't be pushy at all but would let her know that it's not just you but your child also that would like some playdates at his house. It also shows you're understanding of the possibility of her being uncomfortable with it and offering a solution.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Jen