My Relationiship with My Daughter and My Husband

Something is really wrong here and we can't possibly guess at that or the cure. Friends and family may know but not both sides so don't involve them because they'd never want to hurt your feelings or jeopardize a relationship with both of you if you stay together.

Get a good counselor. Find out why you're having marital problems, why your daughter is rejecting you, why you think it is okay for him not to spend time and attention on your son, etc. Your children's outlook on life and how to handle difficulties themselves ride on both of your abilities to problem solve. Even if you divorce, your and his problems will follow you and mess up the next relationship.

How to get a good one? That's hard. If friends and family have a good recommendation, try that. Ask your doctor or gynecologist. Ask for a cognitive behavioral therapist that believes in getting to the bottom of things, making changes, nad not spending years of dissecting your last week's issues. If you both don't think the person is going to be productive and handle things well, leave them. Don't waste time with them. If you can't afford it, there are organizations that can find the ones that will do it based on your income as they get some support from organizations. I wouldn't go for free counseling from your church. Keep your business to yourselves and not with people you socialize with. Besides, free isn't always good and it could make things worse.

I see you've received a lot of great responses. I'll add one more to the list.
I feel just aweful for your son. I was raised in a house where the step-father did not treat me as a daughter. I was just there to deal with when necessary and that also meant the house rules were different for me than his children. This will have a very negative impact on your child's self-esteem and behavior in the future. He will seek out "approval" from somewhere else if he's not getting it inside the home. If I think it about it too much as an adult, there is still a little resentment towards my mother for allowing a parental figure that she choose to not treat me as an important part of their family. That fact that this is not his son is not a good excuse. He accepted your son as family when he married you.

I wish you well in your marriage & with your children. It's a hard situation.

Talking about divorce a thousand times, having your husband make you look bad in front of your kids, not loving your son as he loves your daughter are not good signs of a healthy relationship. What attracted you to this not so mature man in the first place? I would suggest counseling for your sanity. When you start building your confidence and self worth, your relationship should change with your daughter. I come from a divorced family and my stepfather never treated me any differently than his biological children. When I got married, having had a great example from my stepfather, I loved my husband's two children with all my heart. Having read much on step parenting, I chose not to have any children and just take care of the two children my husband already had. I am so glad I made that decision. My one of my stepdaughters got married and had a son and then divorced and now is married again. Her and her husband talked about having another child and in our conversation I just let her know what to expect and what questions she would have to answer both children when one had to visit the other father and the one left at home would ask why they couldn't go. My stepdaughter talked it over with her husband and they both decided to take care of the child they had and it didn't matter that they would not have a child that would be biologically the husband's also. They are happy and I am so proud of this man for not being so selfish and loving and raising this precious child together. All children need love and caring. It is sad that people place such an importance on whether a child has your dna. It is good that not all people feel that way because there would be no adoption and the many foster parents that help so many children would not exist either. I wish you much luck and you are so welcome to e-mail or call me and I can pass on any information and resources I have. I wish you much success and happiness.

Dear V.,

First and foremost it sounds like you two need to find a counselor that can help you deal with your marital problems. The relationship you have with your husband is the foundation of your family and needs to be strong.

As for your daughter, all 2 year olds go through phases of only wanting either mommy or daddy. My daughter is almost 2 1/2 and is very much a daddy's girl at the moment. Don't take it personally and don't get upset about it. Children are very sensitive and can pick up on emotions, but not understand what is going on. Talk about a stressful situation for a child. Plus why are you taking a 2 year old to a women's conference? I can't imagine mine sitting through one! I started working part time in the evenings/weekends, and my husband's relationship with our children has blossomed. Remember, it's not a competition, you both provide different experiences, love, and guidance. As long as you are both headed in the same direction, this can only strengthen your children (hence the suggestion of a counselor).

In regards to your son, it comes across in your note that all this attention is being heaped upon your daughter between your husband and you. While I hope this isn't the case (which it probably isn't), the only thing I could think of was 'this poor little boy'. Spend some quality time as a family doing things all together, then try spending time one on one with the children, switching it up. You don't want to create a competition/rivalry between them.

Good luck and I hope all works out!

"My husband didn't spend much time with my son and i don't blame him. He is not his son."

this caught my eye. this should so bother you! this should infuriate you! my husband isn't biologically the father of my oldest boy but in no way does he favor the boy that is his biologically. DNA doesn't make you a daddy. he married you and your child, not just you. if he can't deal with that, then why did you marry him? because he was good for just you? that sounds selfish. i'd demand that he'd start bonding with your son or else. love me, love my kids. period. if ever there was a case for marital and family counseling, you are it. and i mean all this in a helpful manner. i hope you get it.

Maybe you could just give your son more attention. He probibly feels the lack of love and attention from your husband and could use reassurance. Also your daughter might get jealous and want to join in on whatever you and your son are doing.

Girls at that age sometimes go through an i love daddy phase and want them for everything. That will pass - so don't stress it. A daddy/daughter relationship is always something to cherish. She will always have the mommy/daughter relationship even if you don't see it now. It's just a stage. Now as for the son... Dad should be bonding with him one on one. When I married the 2nd time my husband was always dad to my daughter and it's never been like he wasn't her real dad. In fact it's weird to hear the word stepfather or stepsisters in our house. It just doesn't fit. So that's the relationship he needs to work on. Sounds like you haven't been married that long - and still have some things to iron out and one of the ones that will bond you is your combined love for both kids. So you should work on both of you together looking great in front of the kids.

Kids go through phases of wanting their parents. My daughter will be turning three in Jan and is starting to want my husband more. She wants him to read her a book at night; however, she wants me to put her to bed. I don't know your exact situation. Hopefully, your husband is saying that he doesn't like you in front of her. I would not react to it b/c she is wanting attention. Remember she is 2 and not 20. You are not trying to be her friend you are trying to raise her into a responible young woman. However, I would try to do some one-on-one things with her if you can - park, library etc. I work full time as well and try to spend the weekends with them as much as possible. We have a family activity day that is usally a Sunday or Saturday depending on what is going on during the weekend. I usually just spend my entire weekend with doing things with the kids b/c I work full time during the week. Good luck!

So sorry about this... my ex used to be really good with my son from a previous relationship until I got pregnant with his son... then it was not a good thing.

I would say if you are working on your marriage, then there needs to be some ground rules...

#1 no divorce talk, go into this as divorce is not an option,because if it is always an option, then there is no need to work things out. If you are willing to work it out... find a church or organization that is doing VOW. It is very good.

#2 talk to your husband about how important his relationship with your son as well (especially if his dad is not in the picture). That he is learning from him and how hurtful it can be to have a sibling knowing that he/she is daddy's favorite. See if he will plan activities with just your son, at least once a week.

#3 it is good that your daughter is a daddy's girl, all little girls need to know they are loved and cared for by their daddy. However, both you and her dad need to reinforce that her being disrespectful to you is not acceptable... and that there are some things that mommies and little girls do together. Also that your husband should not be talking badly about you in front of the kids or to the kids.

Hope ya'll can work it out.

I know this sounds awful but it sounds like your husband is not the person you need to be with. Seriously, think about all the "red flags" you are not wanting to see....

First things first, lil girls are daddy's girls. They love their dad no matter what. Im currently separated from my husband. We have discussed of getting back together. Even tough its been almost a year and he's not around for great periods of time. My lil girl just adores him. I don't get it either.

Even with that she loves him very much. She gets jealous if I get close to him or him to me. Children are smart she may say or do things like that to upset you, but she doesn't really mean them. Look at what happened before she told you that. Did you do something that upset her? My daughter is 19 months old and she wont give me a kiss if I upset her, but she will automatically do it for her dad.

Its a hard relationship when you have a child and your partner does not. It always ends up like your situation. He cares more about his biological child then of your own. The thing is he knew you had a child to start with. Your a package deal. He should of tried to build a relationship with your son first.

Most of the time a successful relationship with children involved both parties have children. Because then both parties will be concerned with their child or children to be liked and cared for as if they were the others child or children of their own.

As mothers we love our children and they should always come first no matter what. No man is above them. Men can come and go but our children will always remain.

If you want your relationship to work. You have to work at it not just you but both of you. If one only tries its not gonna work. Try to reconnect with your husband. Rekindle your love and especially communication. He should not try to make you look bad in front of your children. You're a team and ya need to work together. If he's only looking out for #1 he's not a team player and not a very good companion. He needs to be more supportive. I know men can be hard headed, but they do understand....eventually. lol

Do family stuff together. All of you. He needs to work on his relationship with your son. Regardless if he's not his biological dad. He's your son and he's part of you. Do mommy and me things to connect with your daughter. Things that she likes not a woman conference. A child does not wanna go there. The same with your son. Take him to an arcade or something that he likes. You don't want him to feel left out either.

Hang in there, this is just temporary. I will tell you, your daughter will always need love from you, even if she does not act like it. I hear all the times that kids go through these daddy phases. Don't give up, and don't stop showing your daughter how much you love her. Even if you feel frusterated and unloved. No matter how old we are we still want love from our parents. Counseling is always good for youself and your marriage. The book, "love and respect" helped me and my marriage. Be confident you will get through this, hang in there.

This may sound harsh but I don't mean it that way. I would focus on fixing the marriage first. I challenge you to the Love Dare, if you haven't seen "Fireproof" I would watch it to see what the Love Dare is. The marriage relationship is the most important relationship after our relationship with God. Our Family started when we married, not had kids. Once your marriage is good, then you can work on the relationship with the kids. Kids sense termoil in our marriage, and they feed on it, pulling to one parent over the other, especially if one is badmouthing the other or treating the other badly in front of the kids. If you still love each other I would do the love dare, but don't tell him you are doing it, let him see it through your actions, do it whole heartedly, it is a 40 day challenge and I have seen it change people. Good luck. If you want to fix the kids relationship first, I would suggest finding a Church that is having a "Growing Kids Gods Way" class. It is a great parenting class with lots of good principles (not that you need parenting advice), but it helps with the relationships too.

I'm so sorry for your situations. I have a few thoughts. My first thought is a 2 year old takes a lot more time/effort than a 5 year old. Maybe it's not that your hubby is spending more time with her but that she takes more time. Just another way to look at it, obviously, I'm not in your home, so you would know more than me, but just think about it.

Second, kids go through stages where they like 1 parent more than another. Girls tend to want dad more so than boys, at least in my house, but either way, they all go back and forth, especially at a young age. I wouldn't worry too much that she wants daddy more than you right now. Hang in there and try to get some counseling and try to save your marriage!

Little girls can go through stages where they are "daddy's girls" and since your husband gives her lots of attention that is normal. I may be reading between the lines and be wrong, but I get the impression that your husband's not treating you with a lot of respect and your daughter may be picking up on that attitude. Your husband is wrong for not spending more time with your son. Just because your son is not biologically your husband's son...he married you knowing that you had a son and he should make more of an effort to show your son love and spend time with him. He should at least make an effort to not appear baised. If your husband is threatening divorce if you leave your job it sounds like he has control issues. Big issues like work, money, raising kids, etc. are things that you should be able to talk about without one partner making threats. It also makes it seem like your husband isn't very committed to the marriage. Just a point to make, if your husband really loves your daughter he should work to make your marriage work as divorce causes a lot of pain for the children. If your husband will agree you should get counseling. Call 211 for information on free marriage counseling. Also, you might keep a journal of your interactions with your husband and then go back and read them over with an outsiders perspective. This may help you recognize some behaviors that are contributing to your problems. I really wish you the very best. p.s. try to start a "tradition" with your daughter like reading to her before bed or have a fun "bath time" or something along those lines that you do every day with your daughter that is just you-and-her time. Don't lose focus on your son though...sounds like you are his main (or only) source of love right now.

In my experience, children go through periods of having a favorite parent. My daughter sometimes does this, but funny thing is that she always comes back to me for the TLC.

What's more important here is you get help for your marriage. You need to see a counselor ASAP.

It sounds like you need to go to couples counseling. This is a bigger problem than what could be handled with a few short paragraphs. I will say that it's natural for kids to swap back and forth about who their favorite is. My kids go from wanting daddy to wanting me. If you don't have a good church find one. Preston Trails Community Church just did a great series on marriage called Hug of War.

I know you have heard it already, but you and your husband need to see a counselor to try and fix your marriage. If your husband doesn't want to go to a counselor, try having a date night with just the two of you. Talk to him about how you are feeling. If he is one of those people that gets upset and won't listen, try writing him a letter expressing how you feel. Don't attack him, just state the facts and what you would like to be different. If he isn't willing to work on the marriage, you need to do what is best for you and your children. Kids can pick up on the tension between their parents, and while being a child of divorce is bad it can be worse to be in an uncomfortable house.

I have a stepdaughter that just turned 6 and my daughter that is 16 months, and it is a hard balance. We only have my stepdaughter every other weekend, but I had to make an effort to make her feel like she was part of our family. I would take her to do stuff with just the two of us, which wasn't always easy. There were times she wanted nothing to do with me, and it is hard to be a stepparent.

As far as your daughter not liking you, it is normal for children of her age to go through phases. I know hearing that doesn't make it any easier, especially when you are the one who has taken care of her for so long (change diapers, feed, bathe, etc). Kids don't understand the work mothers put into raising them, they only understand that dads are usually the ones that play with them and not do all the stuff they don't like. Mothers typically do most of the disciplining, changing diapers, forcing them to eat stuff the don't like, taking them to the doctor, and the list goes on. Dads usually come home from work play with them and then hand them off to the moms to get them ready for bed. The best I can think of is to try and spend some alone time with your daughter. Try and get somebody to watch your son so you can spend some alone time with your daughter. Then, have your husband or somebody else watch your daughter so you can spend some alone time with your son so he doesn't feel left out.

V.,

First, take a deep breath!! It is not uncommon for a little girl to be very close to her daddy and for little boys to be closer to their mothers in the early years. It is normal. My daughter who is now almost 12 was ALWAYS a daddy's girl, but now she turns to me for advice and we are very close. We talk about "girl" stuff and enjoy each other's company. Dad's make us feel safe and protected. Mom's make us feel loved. It is important that both parents are involved with their children and with each other. It sounds like instead of working on your relationship with your children - they know they are loved- you need to work on your relationship with your husband. Children can sense the tension and unhappiness even when you think you are hiding it. Good Luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.

A.

All kids go through a period where they want the other parent...especially at your daughter's age. My daughter does it and my son is starting to. Yes, it hurts my feelings because I am the one that does everything for them. But anything you read will tell you it's a normal phase. Hang in there! You will finally get used to it and enjoy the fact that daddy has to share more parenting roles.