My Oldest Son...,

Document each occurence. Take pictures of his amrs, legs, face, and back BEFORE he goes to his dad's and then again when he returns. Use a digital camera so that the date appears on the picture itself. Then, when you have physical proof, confront the father, if the behavior continues, tell your ex that you will get a lawyer and stop visitation until the problem is resolved. This is what I would do.
I hope it helps.
K. T.

If you want me to be honest I would say first talk to his father and tell him about the bruises and cuts. Then if he still doesn't punish her for her behavior then tell him YOUR child's welfare comes first and you are not going to allow her to bully your son and hurt him. If the visits are court appointed I would go talk with the judges and your laywer and tell them that you are worry about your son welfare and if the visits could be supervised. Second maybe you could stay for the day and see if this behavior is there or have her over to your house to see for yourself how she behaves. Its a tough situation.
About not him not being like her talk to he every day and tell him it not right to hut and hurt others. Involved him in taking care of your seven months old- getting diapers, putting powder on her bum, putting her dirty clothes away and on. (it will always help him later on ) Also spend one on one time with him and your little one. I often tell parents this and they look at me nuts. Yes you and him only go to the park and play. It's so fun to see their face when you tell them that ya'll are going somewhere just by yourselves. Let him know he is loved.
Hope this helps,
Leti

If your husband isn't listening to your son and he is coming home with bruises and scratches then I would take pictures of every one of them and tell your ex that if he doesn't make this stop and start believing your son then you are going to stop letting your son go over there. I know that that sounds kinda mean, but this is your child and you need to take care of him and keep him away from danger. If his older sister is this mean to him and he is starting to bring it home to his little brother then that isn't good. He could really harm the baby or someone else. Talk to your ex and tell him that he is starting to be mean to the baby and you cannot let that happen. Your son is probably being mean to the baby cause he sees that his sister doesn't get into trouble and he can't take up for hisself towards her cause she is bigger then him. He knows that the baby can't take up for hisself so he takes the meanest that he might feel for his sister and take it out on his little brother. It needs to be taken care of now.

I agree that kids do these things and parents enable it, usually out of guilt for whatever circumstances they have helped create. You can probably take pictures of his bruises with a digital camera. Make sure it has the date on it. I would put him in shorts, take frontal and back photos of him before he goes then when he comes home do the same. Then if he has bruises, take a ruler and place it next to the bruise be sure to use a small post it note to write the location and date of the bruise so it can be in the pic and take a close up. This will give a good idea of the size. Take him to the pediatrician and get a referral for a child psychologist based on his carry over of this aggressive behavior. Then if dad is still not doing anything about it, get YOUR son in to a therapist and invite dad in to talk for a session or two. If he hears it from someone else he might be more likely to listen and that will give you legal protection should you ever decide that the atmosphere is not good for him at dad's.

You have to stop this cycle with YOUR son and if dad can't be part of the solution don't let him continue to be part of the problem. Yes it will be hard to change an environment you don't have access to but the costs down the line of letting this continue are too high. He may actually hurt your baby and that would be tragic even if it was by accident.

Good luck,
C.

It is almost sad to say, but if his father will not admit there is a problem and start working towards a solution, you may start thinking about trying to either stop his visitation for a while to see if that helps, or maybe stopping it all together. Of course this would have to be done legally. I realize that his father is not "abusing" his, but his father is letting someone else do so. I would start documenting the bruises and the conversations you have with his father about the problem. Maybe call a lawyer and see what they suggest. If you can't really afford a lawyer, check to see if there is some type of legal-aid in your area. Maybe they will have some suggestions.

I realize this is takign the situation to the extreme, but like you said, he is already picking up this kind of behavior. Is that what kind of man you want you son to grow into?

You've been given some sound advise and you need to act on this. Your son needs you to stand up to the plate and bat for him. He already knows he's not in safe haven with his father so he needs to see from you that he is safe. Your keeping him safe at home but he needs you to have his back when he leaves and goes over there. Which is probally not to go. There is alot of disfunction over at his dads. That little 7 year old has alot of frustration of her own to lash out like she is. Be your childs hero sum up all this advise and get some help. I've been thru this. I couldnt worry about what my ex thought being a woman we've had to prove ourselves. After my split I was trying to appear nice especially when he made a new home. Same scenerio as yours it seems the adults at dad's are too busy to even interact with kids my oldest hit 12 and took herself out of the situation which left my son to battle it out by himself with his step sister and step mom and I had to step up to the plate. Having a daughter that is 19 now you can have some pretty wise conversations and I found that your kids feel so safe and happily adjusted if they know you'll fight the battle for them. By the way my ex's wife has a need to be super wife, mom ect so she decided to call CPS, long story but all her complaints were actually caused at their house anyway the case was closed on me the day of the visit and a big case was opened on them and noone has whipped my kids since! Now I bring this up for two reasons one you can bring in CPS and they'll take his rights to visit away or have them monitored and two is be careful if you ever get on that route because you will be investigated as well because of protocol and they'll question you for allowing it to happen. I'm not trying to be crude but I've seen it happen the authorities look at it as your allowing this to happen and they'll question you. I'm telling you about this because we all know how people can be and someone can call because they'll see your child bruised and scratched up. So be a hero and step up to the plate first, I would talk to a lawyer first there is help for women who don't have the money to spend. I know two lawyers that wont charge that much and if you were to use cps it doesnt cost anything but you have to be able to show them that your child is safe with you.

Hi K.,

That is a tough and ugly situation for your son. The only real solution is to remind him of how awful it makes him feel when the "sister" does this. And, remind him that he does not want to make his little brother feel that way.

Continue to show love, kindness and respect in your home to him and others as well as verbally talking about these things to him. He'll grasp all the good eventually. At four kids are pretty head strong but really willing to please. Go the extra mile at your home by rewarding him for kind behavior and setting a consequense for unacceptable behavior. Example: Random act of kindness, a treat or "story time" or what ever. But litterally stop in your tracks and say "That was so NICE, let me do something NICE for YOU!" If he does something ugly, stop and say, "That was WRONG and MEAN. I'm taking your legos till tomorrow or till you show an act of kindness to your brother!"

The reward trick works wonders at our house for our 4 yr old and 9 yr old. Think of it as a training program! Everyone likes to be rewarded for their good efforts.

Good Luck and Happy Valentines!

CJ

I don't which one is worse, having your son act like the 7 year old sister, or having him continue getting physically hurt by her. I would tell his father that the bruises and scratches were not there when he left and if he is so certain that the 7 year old did not hit him, then what happened? Four year old may make up some things, but never the same thing over and over, consistantly. Let the father know that you do believe your son and you are concerned for his well being: physical and emotional/psychological. Tell him how it is effecting the way your son is treating the baby and that this started after he had continued to complain of being hit by his older sister. Tell him that,at the very least, could he keep a closer eye on the two, keep them seperated when he is not in the room, something...just to at least consider the possibility that your son might be telling him the truth. He should give him the benefit of the doubt, just as he apparently does to the older sister. Also, try to explain to your son that the reason he keeps getting in trouble is because he is doing the same things to the baby as his older sister does to him. Remind him how bad it feels when he gets treated like that and let him know the baby feels the same way. Basically, he knows it is wrong for his sister to hurt him or be mean to him, so make him see that for him to do the same things is just as wrong. Sort of like, treat the baby like you wish you were treated by your older sister, not how she actually treats you. Because he is better than that. And let him know that you and he can work together to try to fix the situation with his dad and the older sister. I think that the dad is the key to getting this situation corrected, and, if you continue to try and reason with the dad long enough, he has got to at least give it some thought.