My Mother-in-law Is Driving Me Crazy

Learn to keep a tight grip. When she learns to ask nicely, which
she will if you get a backbone about it, then it's a step towards
boundaries, which you have to set now not later. Hubby has to
support 100 percent or it will be you versus both of them.

I have some what of the same problem with my husbands mother. She just doesn't know when to stop. He makes excuses for her actions which causes problems between us. I finally laid down the law to her one day and boy did she not like it.But she doesn't butt in anymore.

Get used to it. She's excited to have her grandbaby and maybe isn't thinking about you, but just the baby right now.
Remember that you're still hormonal. Things may seem worse right now than they will later.
My kids are 8 and 2, and I still have constant irritations at my MIL. It doesn't stop, just try to remain calm and let some of the smaller stuff go. If you are majorly concerned about an issue, let her know in a nice way.
Hopefully she'll see your side and let you be mom. I would be irritated about the email too, but you can't change it now. Just make a cuter one and resend. :)

J.,

My MIL is the exact same way!!!!! Trust me, you are NOT alone (and your story made me feel better and confirmed that I am also not alone). I am so sorry!! I know how awful it is to have such a clueless MIL!!!!!!! We don't deserve such treatment!! For her to send out birth announcements on your and your husband's behalf is 100% pure insanity. The woman is insane (I'm sure you already know that)! Here is what I have learned from the many dysfunctional people in my life: you can't expect a dysfunctional person to behave normally. Your MIL obviously doesn't have a life of her own, so she is living vicarously through you and her son (and doing much more than that). My guess is, she is probably widowed or divorced. If she is married, it's a bad marriage. Am I right? Just know that there is a reason why people behave the way they do. It is NEVER because of you. It is because of THEM. Please do NOT make your MIL's issues your issues! Do NOT let her bring you down. You are WAY above her! I know this is much easier said than done. Unfortunately, I learned this the VERY hard way, so I know what I am talking about. Have your son (not you, but your son, since your MIL is his mother) politely tell her that emailing your son's birth announcement was unacceptable because she is not Carter's parents - the two of you are (have him point out the obvious to remind her that she isn't Carter's mother, b/c she needs reminding). This talk might sink in a little (not a lot, but a little), since it will come from her son. If it comes from you, I promise you it will go in one ear and out the other, b/c after all, you're only her DIL (that is how she thinks)!! The next time she tries to take Carter from your arms and you don't want her to, don't let her take him! Step back and say, "When I am finished holding him, I will give him to you." Her behavior is a spitting image of my MIL's behavior. It does help me knowing that my MIL is super insane, and it is better for my health to just pity her instead of getting furious like I used to. Now go ahead and send out some awesome birth announcements, and everyone will know that you will have the correct time of Carter's birth!! I feel your pain, 100%. Best of luck!!!

As a former DIL and now an MIL- I fully side with you-come the 3rd one you will not feel the same. She was wrong to send announcements to anyone but her friends that you would not be sending your announcements to. Your husband should be pulling his Mother aside and telling her that if she wants to prepare food, clean house, do laundry and do food shopping that would be wonderful; but as a first time parent you need to handle the baby yourself. Do offer her time with the baby, like when you need a shower, nap etc, so she feels part of the family. When my DIL had my first grandson I stayed with them for 3 weeks, during the day I handled everything but the baby and at night I took over the middle of the night feeding-I asked before doing anything with the baby. My DIL to this days thanks me for helping her through that time and stills asks my opinion. When she had her second son I came out early and helped with the prepartion this time she let me have more to do with the new baby as well as lots of time with my first grandson. Your MIL should be reminded of what she felt with her first child-and DH should be the one reminding her of that time. No matter what happens this too will pass and life gets better because of your wonderful blessing.

I agree that it is wrong that your MIL snatches your precious son as soon as she walks in the door. Is this her first grandbaby? Not that that's an excuse, but maybe she's a little overly excited. Your husband needs to pull her aside and talk to her about what is ok and what's not, at least for the time being. Trust me, there will come a time when you want her to do these things. I lost my MIL a year ago in April and I'm still an wreck over it. She was my best friend and like my mother. Even though she may drive you nuts, treasure your time with her and enjoy seeing her with your son. She could be like my dad and stepmom and only see him ocassionally. They live in the same city as I do and have only seen him like 6 times since he's been born and he's 2 1/2!

I understand that you are wanting quality time with your baby. You should have this time. I also understand that the MIL is very excited and I think that is understandable.

I personally see no problem with her sending an email out announcing the birth of her grandson.I don't think she meant it to be anymore than letting people know that her first grandson was finally here. Your announcement is the official announcement and the fancy one. I'm guessing with picture and all. You'll still have your time to celebrate the birth of your son.

I know when I had my son my friends sent an email to my work place and my mom sent an email to her friends. I really didn't care because I knew I would be sending the official one out. I was excited to let the world know I had my son. As I'm sure you will be with yours.

Something to consider...a lot of people have no relationships with their in-laws or parents or some people have no parents or in-laws due to the passing of these individuals. Please think carefully before talking to your MIL. Family is too important. Kids need to see the adults in their life as caring and thoughtful individuals toward one another even with slight differences of opinions. Hope this makes sense.

Sidenote...I would do anything to have my parents here with me today. Both of my parents are deceased and now my son doesn't have grandparents. His dad's parents are not far behind, sadly. I haven't always liked everything about MIL an FIL, but in the long run life is too short. I always shared politely what I prefered and if it didn't get exactly followed that way...so be it. As long as my baby was safe and loved what did it matter. It is important for children to have love in their life and to see all the generations getting along. Good luck and enjoy that little one. Mine is almost 8 and they grow so fast.

Personally, I think you should be handing her the baby when she walks in.. unless you are feeding her or something like this.. be greatful you have a MIL who is so excited and in love with your child. And I agree with others.. you can still send out an official birth announcement yourself via post mail.. I haven't had a single friend have a baby and the husband or good friend or grandma NOT send out the birth info with some pics via email.. people love that and she is just excited. I CAN understand where you are coming from though, this is your first baby, you have pictured all of these things and been excited about it for a long time. I remember getting secretly angry that my sister in laws took my daughter up to her room without me, because it was the first time she ever went into her room, I wanted to do that... but thinking back, who cares! She will NEVER remember.. and the only person it mattered to was me.. haha.. so I do remember and I CAN see how everything you said can be annoying. So if it does keep bothering you, just like if she steps in with discipline or gets involved later on when she shouldn't, you should tell her as nicely and respectfully as possible, that it upsets you and come up with a different approach or solution to the situation. But do try to remember, it IS your baby, but it is a part of her too! And try to remember that you are EXREMELY emotional and sensitive right now too!!

I agree that some boundaries are necessary- especially since she lives so close... but please be careful about how you handle everything and keep in mind that you are tired and your hormones are likely out of balance still- don't say things or set rules you'll regret a few months from now when the excitement of the new baby has waned and help is hard to find.

I also think it would be a better idea if you have your husband discuss the boundaries you feel are necessary with her- with you present. Try not to hurt her feelings- she is feeling overwhelming blessed by this child and is probab;y just being overzealous to share her love of him with him.

It is natural that a new mother have a strong sense of "ownership" of a new baby. It is also natural that a new grandmother be overly excited about a new baby. Both of those qualities will be very good for your child as long as you can create a compromise that does not alienate the grandmother. Sit with your MIL over coffee when the baby is sleeping and let her know how important she is going to be in the development of your child and how much you appreciate her enthusiasm. Share that you want to set some guidelines that you are both comfortable with that are beneficial to all the relationships and the child's development. She LOVES that child and if she is rational?? she will be happy to work with you.

Cherish your MIL and be glad that she is with you and that your child has a grandmother that loves her grandchild. My MIL just passed away last week. She lost her battle with cancer. My husband no longer has a mom and my children lost a grandmother. What I would give to have her back and healthy and be able to gush over my children.

Conrats on your new arrival! First babies are wonderful and special! Now take a deep breath. I know it is your little one but please remember your hormones are on a roller coaster ride. All new mothers go through this roller coaster and the last person most of us want helping us in our MIL.

Ask your husband to talk to his mother, be willing for him to use the hormone word to her :) Ask him to remind her that you are under a lot of pressure taking care of the newborn, but you enjoy you enjoy the pressure and you will ask for help when you need it. You appreciate her willingness and in the near future you will be welcoming the help, but for now you need some space and time to bond with your new child.

You did not mention if this is the first grandchild. If it is your issues with your mil are just starting. I speak from expierence :) The mother in law usually feels left out because she is not the mother of the mother. There is a deep unspoken jealously of your mother that will last forever.

For us, my MIL and I fought up until the day we lost her. I do have regrets. She was gone for four years now and I regret that my youngest was not old enough to know and remember her. I regret that my oldest was old enough to love and admire her grandmother and that she misses her so much every day. Mostly I regret not giving my MIL all the time she wanted with my children. Children need all the love they can get, from whomever is willing to share in their lives. It is hard to let go, but as long as no long term harm is done (ice cream before dinner doesnt count) your child needs your MIL just as much as she needs him.

Enjoy your little one, he is your pride and joy, but remember your MIL loves him almost as much as you do.

If this is her first grandbaby then you are going to have to deal wtih the excitement. She is just reacting like any other MIL. At least yours is close by and able to help out. Take advantage of that when you can. Maybe set a time with her when it is appropriate for her to come over daily or whatever works for you. Just communicate with her but remember she is just as excited about the new baby.

J.,
It's all in the perspective. If this was the 7th grandchild in the family, she wouldn't be doing this. And even if she did, by that time, you'd be immensely grateful for the relief and help if you had several more children to tend to. But if this is the very first grandchild in the family, it means she is so excited to be a grandmother that she can hardly contain herself. Don't weird out on her. She may be a bit of a control freak, and if so, you may need to set some boundaries and rules, but relax and enjoy her enjoying this child as much as you do. If anything ever happened to you, you'd be so glad there was someone else who would watch out for your child as sensitively as you would have. Don't be quick to protect yourself and your imagined 'rights', etc. Where you feel encroached, get practiced at saying,"You're doing it again, grandma!" with a gentle sense of humor and love, but be generous and let her have her time too. You can always send out your own announcements too, whatever you were going to do. Many of the ones she sent may have gone to her/their friends, and not necessarily included your friends away from family setting. You can also set some rules. You can determine what will and won't be done in your house and family, but make no mistake, family counts, because family is there for you when times get hard, and family needs the freedom to celebrate and treasure this child. It's not JUST YOURS, but belongs to "the whole village." Rejoice and be glad, stay positive, state your needs in a positive way, and don't nurse or feed resentment. If she died suddenly, and you had to deal with her loss in your husband's life, the sadness would be as great for you as for him, and then you will have have treasured (and funny) memories to hold about what a crazy, devoted grandma she was. A year from now, when you're harried and can't get everything done, her devotion will be a huge gift. She'll always have your back, because of this child. Nurture that relationship with her. She's not the enemy.
It's all in the perspective. Lighten up ...just a bit, set your boundaries, and then, love on her yourself as much as you can. I lost my beloved father a week ago, and boy, would I trade almost anything to have more time with him!
Congratulations on your precious new soul. He/she belongs to the whole universe in the larger sense. Be glad you have a backup system.

You might think about giving her some "responsability" that you just can't seem to get done with the new baby. I know she is overstepping her bounds but at least you have her when so many families have no-one. If you asked for her help and then gave her a list that would serve two purposes #1 to make her feel needed and useful, #2 she would be directed in her "help" and probbaly forget about all the other things that drive you crazy, and things would actually get done. Then praise her like crazy and tell everyone how lucky you are to have had so much help around the house while you and the baby were getting some bonding and schedules worked out. You just have to re-direct all her energy into something more along the lines to what you want her to do. And then she won't have time to come up with anymore brilliant ideas on her own. Like laundry, scalding the baby bottles, watching the baby so you can take a bathe or shower, or nap. She just wants to feel included. And who wouldn't with a brand new baby to spoil. She is also proud and wants everyone to know about the new baby. You can still send out a traditional birth announcement with a picture. FYI, my grandmother is the same way. You just have to be smarter than them. So, I say, Grandma I just havent' had time to help Adam go through his dresser and get out all his clothes that are to small. Can you help him do that? He really isn't in a size XYZ anymore and those need to be weeded out. She really does help me and we get alot accomplished. And she tells everyone how much she has to come and help me with my 3 boys! Not in a bragging bad way, though. You just have to be smarter than her and re-direct her more quickly.
But I would seriously have a talk with my hubby on this one and his mother. There can only be one queen bee per house and for your house and family you are it.

Good luck,
L.

The deed is done with the birth announcement. Why shouldn't she send out a birth announcement to all her friends and relatives? She's obviously very excited about the new baby and she has every right to be.

A baby can never have too much love. You'll really appreciate her attention and devotion when you're stressed out and tired and need some help. She'll be there for you.

Send out your own birth announcement. People want to hear from you and your husband. Do you think your friends and relatives are going to complain because they get a second announcement from you? I don't think so.

Just keep your cool. It's a good time to learn when and how to pick and choose your battles.

My mom's only a block away, so we've had different issues over the years. My kids are 8 & 10 now, and I will say there are definite benefits to having family members that close (babysitting, emergencies, etc.).

I would definitely try to set some boundaries. Maybe ask her to take care of the baby more often when you need a break for an hour to run an errand, clean, or take a nap. Babies can be exhausting, especially for a grandparent, so if she's asked more regularly, maybe she'll get her "fill" for a while (and not be so agressive). I'm not sure if she drops by unannounced or calls during the day, but be sure to tell her how important it is for the baby (and you) to get plenty of sleep, especially until the baby sleeps through the night. Find "excuses" like that to help you set boundaries.

Finally, I agree with the previous poster... Send out a cuter and better announcement. I'm sure your list will include more friends, neighbors, etc. that she may not have even included in her email.

Good luck!
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Put your foot down now because it only gets worse if you don't. You need to speak your mind and make sure your husband hears you. I'm speaking from experience.

I can understand since it is not your mother. I was more sensative with my in-laws than my own parents. I can't imagine having my in-laws down the street. The birth announcement thing doesn't sound that bad to me since it was in an email form; however, I don't know what your plans were. And did the announcement just go to her family? I know my mom sent an email out to her friends and my in-laws sent an email out to their family. Then I sent the "official" announcement via snail mail all cute to EVERYONE. The snatching of you baby; she probably thinks she is helping you. However, I would just do what you did and be open about your expectations. I know my in-laws saw a different side of me after my kids were born. They thought I was a little to strict, should have a nickname for my kid and provide my newborn with water on a regular basis. They would also show up at our house without any warning while I was on maternity leave and that was really annoying! I was extremely tired and most days did not feel like getting the house ready for company. Just be open and honest; most likely your husband won't understand b/c it is his parents. My husband didn't understand the nickname thing and though I was overreacting. However, I am very happy 3 years late with that decision! Anyway, good luck. Just know others are going through similar situation and it is not always easy.

Several responses seem to think that she is a wonderful grandmother. Please ignore anyone that admonishes you for feeling this way. While she may (or may not be ) a wonderful grandmother, this is STILL YOUR CHILD. AND the baby was 5 weeks early, which makes you feel even more protective of him.
My son was 4 weeks early and my MIL came to the hospital the day he was born with my BIL and SIL. They sat down on the couch and passed my son down from person to person with me just furious. I pulled my hubby to the side and growled at him to get my baby back, which he promptly did. I have always felt like I let my baby down, though, by letting them pass him down like they were a conveyor belt and he was a canned good item.

This is your baby (and your husband's). The two of you must be clear with each other about what the limits will be. Added to which, b/c the baby was so early, you really need to watch your P & Q's about clleanliness and sanitation. That's something to bring up with both MIL and hubby.

As for the announcements, inappropriate in my mind. Again, your child. She is obviously excited, but you are TOO! This is your first TOO! She doesn't get to steal your thunder like that. She had her chance with her babies!

Take a deep breath and speak with your hubby about it. My husband is pretty understanding about this kind of stuff so I am lucky. If yours is not, you can simply remind him gently what you, your body, and your baby have all been through and that you need a breather from all of the visitation. At least for a week or two. And even then, MIL needs to return with some boundaries set.

BTW, for all those that said "be grateful she is a good grandmother"... my mother is a joke and has never even WRITTEN to say congrats on our son. My FIL is deceased and my MIL understands now that there are limitations to what we will allow. My MIL is a good grandmother, but part of being good is that she RESPECTS our boundaries now. We do well with all of the above relationships and do not really regret that my mother is an idiot! Good luck and keep your chin up!

J.,
I agree that your MIL's behavior is over the top. You've received a lot of different advice and responses on that. I just wanted to add that you are probably also dealing with a lot of hormonal issues right now. You are probably in the thick of the normal baby blues, which make you feel totally nuts. I'm not saying this to make you feel like you are doing something wrong--NOT at all. I just remember feeling like I wasn't my usual self in the beginning (and for quite some time). And then having crazy stuff like this happen really pushes you over! :-) Try to get some extra sleep. Also, your husband may not realize how you are feeling (emotional, sleep loss, just wanting your space), in addition to the stuff that your MIL is doing. You should feel totally comfortable with having things go however you want with your baby. Everyone else will survive, even your MIL. Good luck!

As u are a New Mom she probably is A new Grandmother, seems like she is just crazy about your baby wish is also her Grand baby I bet she's just been overwhelmed with the happiness that a new baby brings to the family. I suggeted to you that you appreciate that because in times that u need babysitting there will be somebady that loves your baby so much that would be perfect to watch him while you are gone..Just having have you baby just 15 days ago maybe have your hormones all over the place and makes you extra sensitive as a mom that has been there 4 times my advise to you is to make this memories with your baby the best of them all and that always includes Granparents they are the best to spoil our kids even if their ways are little off somethimes but they normally meant well..Wish you good luck and don't stress for the little things as you baby grows there will b plenty things to worry about..
Congratulations for your new addition to the family.

I understand your frustration. However, I think we are also a bit more protective and on edge after birth. I personally wish I had a mother or MIL who was close enough and wanted to invest time and love in my child. Try to let her take part in your family and give her time with her new grandchild--whom she is obviously thrilled about.

Sense this is your first... you want to do everything and make it perfect. The background colors of the on-line annoucement, the font you use, the picture of yourself holding the baby right after your born (you have to look good). :)

Your bonding and want to be the mom that takes care of her baby, and home. Totally understand you.

Shes just excited too and many times with the first grandchild lots of people go through this. You just need to have a meeting with your husband first... then have him talk with her. You may not get everything you want but you and your husband could meet in the middle. Maybe limiting her days that she can come over.

I'm in a special place with three boys... while I am not there yet. I know that I will not have as much involment as my furture daughter n law's mom will.

But...allow her to have planned grandma time. It's a great way for you to get a break and her to have quality time. Especailly when you have things you need to get done or take a nap. Make it work for you... and her. With a little more structure to the visits you both will be happy.

Your new at this and will so want her help but the newness has not wore off yet.

L. B.
www.GetOrganized.ws

Hi J.,

My MIL is very much the same way. We used to live a mile away and luckily, when our baby was born, we now live 150 miles away - LOL! We still struggle with this, though not as much. My daughter is now 2. Last Christmas, my MIL bought her a "Christmas Dress" for her Christmas pictures, made an appointment for my daughter with "her" photographer and everything. I was so mad! But, so was my husband.

I agree with the posters here, that you and your hubby need to get on the same page. You and Carter are his family now. I also agree with the poster that you will need to have this conversation with him in a rational, calm way. Men tend to not take us seriously when they think we are being hormonal or emotional. Just be patient, wait until you are in a calm place, and ask him to stand with you on this. When my MIL oversteps her bounds, my husband will talk to her first and then gives her the option to talk to me. She rarely takes this option... (I stood up to her a few years ago when she was interfering with my marriage and she chooses her battles with me now). To be fair, most of the time, she has no idea how she is coming across. My husband has a gentle, loving way of communicating OUR needs to her that does not put her on the defensive.

Overall, your MIL loves the baby and is excited. Somehow, you and/or your husband need to communicate with her that the 3 of you are the primary family unit now. Communicate what the boundaries need to be and that you want her involved with the baby, but within those boundaries.

As the baby gets older and you all are getting more sleep, you will feel much better about everything. Be sure to get some rest when you can and take advantage of the help.

Good luck!

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. :-(

I feel your pain. My sil does the same thing! She goes and picks up our baby, even if she is sleeping. I've told her and my hubby has told her....she doesn't have her own kids so she doesn't understand. Hopefully your mil will get it soon!

You know what, you're 'post partum' - so people will expect you go be 'emotional' ... but as far as I'm concerned, it's OK to tell her straight out: "I really appreciate your wanting to help and be a good grandma, but this is MY baby and I would appreciate it if you would let ME be his mommy."

I hope your husband supports you in this.

I wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. Hopefully she will turn into a loving helpful grandma, but you may have to set boundaries and stick to them or you'll find yourself in an awful mess.

Good luck!!!!

c

J.-
I only read a few of the responses you recieved...wow. Please don't listen to all those responders that said you should be happy to have help. Help without boundaries is no help at all. This is YOUR baby. Not only that but your PREMATURE baby that needs special considerations and not a lot of passing around. I feel for you that you are having boundary issues so early with the baby, and she living so closely. I can tell you from experience that if you don't lay out the boundaries now, it will only get worse down the road...i.e. My own MIL once said, "sure I'll follow your rules since its your baby...unless the rule is stupid and then I'll do what I want"... So I recommend you get hubby on the same page as yourself and you tackle it together.

First, he'll need to realize that it's your wishes over that of his mother. And that the two of you are a team.

Second, you are a new mommy. Very hormonal, most likely, and sleep deprived. You are allowed to take things at your own pace and in your own time. Do not beat yourself up over what you want. If you want time alone without visitors then take it. DO NOT feel badly about it.

Third, Just because she's the MIL and a new granmother does not give her a free pass to do as she likes. Again, it's your baby, your new life and your new adjustment period. Be happy she wants to help, but let her help in ways that are actually helpful to you. Keep in mind that she is naturally excited to have a new baby around and allow her time to be with him as it suits your desires.

Relationships with our elders are some of the best ones to have. Your children could really benefit from that if it is in a healthy realm. if not, as in my case, then find other members of the family that would be good for them. We use godparents, great-aunts and great-uncles and other extended family since things with my MIL proved to be too unhealthy to fix at this time.

Good luck to you. You know in your heart what's best for your new little baby, and your family. Take baby steps.

Who would do things like that? My mil!! You biggest probelm is your husband needs to support you and side with you not his mom.

It sounds like you are on your way to a good start.. let her know what is okay and what isn't, but try to be as nice (yet firm) as you can! Remember shes your mil and you will be dealing with her for a very long time whether you like it or not. As for the birth announcement... send out your own with the correct information, you may be upset with it now... but try to think about it in another way, she is proud of her grandson. Some grandparents are not involved at all. Most importantly, when ever you can move. It doesn't have to be far, but it doesn't have to be so close either ;)

Just remember your little man is some day going to grow up and marry a woman who may feel te same about you. I know when my son grows up I am going to want to be a big part of his life and will be dissapointed if he doesn't "stand up" for me as the first woman in his life. And it's going to be really hard to have a lady his chooses telling me how to be a grandma to MY sons babies. I guess Im saying is you will someday be on her shoes and your son in your husbands so try to keep that in mind when youre feelng harshly toward her. Oh and be thankful for having someone who wants to help, my parents and inlaw are all the hippy generation where they think they are still young and fighting the system, have no interest in being grandparents, I wish one of the lot of them were as involved as you MIL. And like the other posted said you are very hormonal right now, try to keep that in mind before reacting.
Good luck and congratulations