My Kids Are Pigs!!

As long as the mom maid service is working then the children won't do anything. Do they get to watch tv and play video games and on the computer all the time? How about having them earn their screen time instead of just allowing it? My daughter limits screen time and the kids earn it by doing chores and helping family members. A chore earns 10 minutes and a random act of kindness earns 5 minutes. Something that takes more than 15 minutes earns a bit more time. She keeps track of it by putting marbles in a jar and at dinner time they count the marbles to see how each child has done. It's worked out great.

You need to have a family meeting to let everyone know that as a member of a family everyone needs to do something to help. Have a chore board and let them select what chores will become their responsibility. Then don't yell. Instead take them to the board and point out that they agreed to perform something that now needs to be done.

Wow. You have a mess on your hands, and I'm not just talking about the "stuff".

What on earth is wrong with your husband? Yelling at a child who is on all this medication?

First of all, just putting the kids' stuff in boxes in your living room is not really a consequence. You need to throw it out. As soon as school starts, go from one room to the next and completely pare down. I promise you that it will feel good once you get it done. Make sure that all the out-of-season clothes are put away and all the too small clothes are out of the house.

If the girls don't take care of their clothes, then you should only have one week's worth of clothes in their closet/drawers. The less they have, the easier it is for them to clean. When they come in from school, the first thing they do is wash their hands. The second is have snack. The third is go into their rooms and tidy up. YOU stand in the room and watch. They don't leave their rooms until they are done. The first one to finish and have YOU agree that they did a good job is who gets to choose the TV show (within your approval). That way, the girls will hurry to finish so that they have a shot of choosing the show.)

It's your job to teach your girls how to make a home function. The best way to do that is not buy them a bunch of stuff. When they see the majority of their stuff gone, they will try harder. You don't have to give them anything, you know. You can strip the room down to a mattress, sheet and pillow and nothing else. Not that you would want to, bear in mind, but if the girls REALLY understand that you CAN take it all away, they will have an incentive to try. Right now, you are all bark and no bite. Time to start biting.

As far as your husband is concerned, you need a marriage counselor. GET ONE.

Downsize the stuff big time.
Donate and Craigs List and donate some more until you have each kid down to a bare minimum of toys, clothes and belongings.
Before each Christmas (or birthday) or anytime you anticipate more stuff coming in, make sure you have stuff going out to make room for it.
Each only needs enough clothes to last 1 week and maybe you might have an additional weeks worth if you take into account summer vs winter clothes - but they only get one weeks worth to be working with at any one time.
If they have more than can be easily stored in their dressers and closets - they have way too much.
Your sick daughter has a bad situation.
I'd stop her step Dad from yelling at her and being verbally abusive.
She might be weak, but there are things she can help with.
Don't cave in to helping her with everything.
Ask her doctors what she should and should not be able to do.
Also, see about taking a weekend for yourself alone in a motel for a mental health break every so often.
A little room service can work wonders for your outlook on life.

I can only say I feel your pain. I am a grandparent raising grandchildren and I am failing miserably at teaching them to clean.

I suggest you start a trend.

Clean a room to the max, dust, wipe the windows, make it shiny and clean.

THEN

Go to some wonderful place and bring home something yummy for only yourself. Like Cherry Berry or a specialty ice cream. Something they'll sit and watch you eat and drool. It has to be something THEY want like crazy even if it's revolting to you.

Then when they ask why they didn't get any simply say "Only people who cleaned a room completely got a treat. Perhaps tomorrow you can earn one?".

Then go about your business.

If they want the dessert or special dish then they'll think about it and run around like crazy cleaning. You have to be strict and still be working on a room at the same time. When YOUR room is done you go get another treat for only yourself.

When they ask say you didn't see anything besides the room you cleaned so you didn't think anyone wanted one.

Love and Logic classes are a wonderful thing.

Sounds like you have gotten yourself in this situation. Tell them today that if everything isn't picked up by Sunday evening that YOU are going to pick it up, put it in the plastic bins and donate them to Goodwill. WARN them sternly that you are not kidding. Then do it. Now if you come across their expensive electronic, maybe put that away in your room, but the rest? Gone! They are all WAY too old to be acting like this, even the 10 yo (still can do housework) and 5 yo is not too young. Then after its all cleaned up, put rules into place (our kids don't get phone or computer if their rooms are a mess) and keep up with it. So it's time for some serious tough love. JMO. Good luck.

I agree with the others that they can and should be helping. But I also think that perhaps they really don't know what to do since you usually do it all.

I think what's needed is a family meeting to let them know how you feel and that things are going to change. I think a chore chart would do a world of good. Either you assign chores based on age and ability, or you let them choose, but everyone has assigned chores that are done on a regular basi, however often you decide. In my house I went one step further and set a time by which the chore has to be done. That way my GD is not waiting until just before bed to say "oh, I still have to do x."

They earn tv and electronics time by completing their chores in a timely manner. This not only teaches them to help around the house and learn how to clean, but also how to meet a deadline.

Good luck. A little bit of instruction and structure can go a long way!

First of all, I am sorry your daughter is sick, I sincerely hope she gets better.
I have some ideas that I hope they help you:
First, sit down with your 4 girls and husband, and tell them that you will need their help to keep "our home" clean and nice, and you will be setting some rules/guidelines to do so.
Start one day at a time, for instance:
DAY ONE: Laundry. All of your girls can help here. Pick up 4 laundry baskets, one for each. Laundry will be sort out in dark, whites, colors and kids' clothes (leave towels, kitchen towels and sheets for another day). Each child will sort out each "group" of clothes. After each load, the clothes will be folded and taken away IMMEDIATELY, never after or another day otherwise you will be piling up everything over and over again. Each kid take her clean clothes to her room. Remember to do laundry at least 3 times a week, so your loads are not gigantic! After you all are done, celebrate and eat a pizza or ice cream on disposable plates!!!)
Day TWO: Toys Task. Give to each girl a colorful basket and have each of them pick up their toys whenever they find them (living room, room, basement, etc) . Ask them to leave their full basket of toys in their room. Then, go to their room and purge the broken/old toys together and place them in a large trash bag. Do this with every girl. Take the bag immediately outside and put it into the trash can. Celebrate together, why not?
DAY THREE: Divide your house in 4 rooms, for instance. Get a small and light vacuum cleaner ($20 at WalMart or Target; my 7 year-old kid uses one under my supervision) Ask one of your daughter to vacuum her room and her youngest sister's (the little one will be helping you to dust), and the rest will take turns with the vacuum cleaner to vacuum different parts of the house, It doesn't need to be all at once, take breaks, clean up the table, sweep here and there, etc. Just have each of the girls helping a little bit. Always, always smile at them and do not expect everything to be perfect, they are little girls yet, Enjoy and they will enjoy, take a deep breath and encourage them all the time. Take it easy with the one who is sick, but still she can do things sitting down in the living room, sorting socks, etc, but encourage her to feel helpful and motivated, it is good for her as well.
Write down your new rules on the fridge door or a visible spot:
1. Clean up after yourself (pick up your plate and put it on the sink or dishwasher, etc)
2. Meals and snacks should be eaten AT THE TABLE.
3. Clean up toys at 7 o'clock (you choose the time better for you) before going to bed. "Tomorrow " is not acceptable.
4. other rule or behavior you want to reinforce.

Put on your fridge door encouraging sayings, or a own family prayer, like:
"Treat others as we would like to be treated,
treat our property with respect,
We do our work first, so we can play after,
Ask before doing,
Let's keep up our home nice and clean,
We always tell the truth
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"The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace.”
This is nice to put somewhere else where your husband see it...!
Ask him for help when you need it, you know when and how...

I hope this help a little bit. Breath and do not yell, take one day at a time.
Remember, well spoken words are the most powerful weapon. Take care in how you wield them.
A. :)

It sounds like you have to downsize. Toys need to be gone through and donated - only the favorites are kept. They will not like this at all. You need to tell them that if they don't go through the things with you, you will have to go through them and make the decision yourself.

Our house gets like this too. We don't clean up after ourselves everyday (I wish I would), except for the kitchen. Once you get downsized, have "clean up days" a couple times a week to keep it from getting out of hand.

What happened to all of the housework when you and your daughter were at the children's hospital? Did dad and the girls step up to take care of things when you were away? I think it is time for a family meeting. Going back to school is a good time to evaluate and make plans to become more organized. So plan this meeting at least 2 weeks ahead of school starting and make a list of what is expected to be done. Some of the suggestions below were great. Set a list of daily and weekly chores and have them listed in several places.
good luck!

Prioritize. It sounds like things got a big out of control when you were at the hospital with the one child, and now everyone has bad habits.

They CAN do things for themselves. Stop doing all the laundry. Even 3 year olds can match socks. So all 4 kids can sort dirty laundry by color, and put it in the washer. The older two can fold (even the sick one can do stuff sitting down), and the younger two can match socks and put things in a basket for each bedroom. They can all put their stuff in their own drawers. If they don't do the laundry, then they wear something out of the "dirty" pile. And make sure the dirty stuff is really dirty, not just stuff they tried on and tossed on the floor. Jeans, pajamas and shorts don't get washed after every use unless there's a major spill. Underwear gets washed every time. Excessive washing wears clothes out faster, wastes water and detergent and electricity - all of this wastes money which means there's less money for other stuff they want.

Next, food gets eaten in the kitchen only, and everyone can put stuff away. If it doesn't get put away, it doesn't get purchased again. If the empty cereal box is left on the counter and not put on the grocery list, it doesn't get replaced.

Cut down the number of toys - every sorts and culls out 25% of the stuff that they don't use, and gets it ready to donate. Find an organization that will take it (perhaps a place for abused kids, a day center for kids with Down's Syndrome or CP, or a community agency that helps new immigrants who came here with nothing). Or, have a yard sale and they get to keep the cash. Put the rest of the toys in under-bed storage bins and they keep their own stuff in their own rooms under their own beds.

Relax some standards and let go on stuff like making beds - just have them shut their doors to keep the mess inside, and everyone keeps the public areas under control. I can't believe that taking away their stuff doesn't have an effect - maybe you aren't taking it away long enough or you are caving under the nagging of 4 kids? Giving it away will take care of that! They can take out their own trash, and they can alternate taking out "community" trash like the kitchen garbage and bathroom waste baskets. Even little kids can sort the recycling and put it into the right bins.

I have no idea what's going on with your husband and the sick daughter. What is with that fighting? Does he think she can do more than she does, or that she's getting excessive sympathy or leeway for her illness? Is he right? Or is he perhaps having problems or fears dealing with her illness or the effects of her medications, so he's excessively h*** o* her? That needs to be dealt with professionally, and it needs to stop. Even if he's right about her, he probably needs to stop singling her out. But if she walks into the room and he's already saying something, that's totally ineffective parenting. I'm a stepmother so I understand that boundaries have to be drawn on some things. But what he's doing isn't working, so he needs to find new strategies. And if your daughter needs some counseling to help her deal with her illness and what it prevents and doesn't prevent, that's okay too. A lot of times a chronic illness takes over a whole family, discipline goes out the window, and then chaos ensures.

And I actually don't think it's a bad idea for you to leave for a day and let Stepdad supervise while the kids clean up! Take a day off from the nonsense and tell them why. You aren't making lunches or dinner, and you aren't coming home to a whole bunch of complaining.

Food - food must only be eaten at the kitchen table. If the dishes are out of hand, get paper plates and use them for breakfast, lunch, and snacks.
Toys - pick a bin and go through it. Discard the broken toys, donate the toys they don't play with. It's time to purge. You have too much.
Laundry - do one load a day and two on one day. You will catch up. By doing laundry, I mean wash, dry, fold, and put away.
Stop doing for your kids. Tell them you need help. Turn off the TV. Tell them very specifically what you need. "Mary, please put that stack of laundry on my bed and come right back. Joanie, please pick up the Legos and put them in this bin. Suzi, please put the blocks in this bin. Mary, thanks for doing that. Now indeed you to do..."

I would have a family meeting and show them a big chore list you made them on a posterboard. Tell them they are now all old enough to chip in. Give each of your daughters a few daily chores and a couple weekly chores. Give them each a big different colored plastic tub where they can pick up their toys at the end of each day. Teach each of them to do some things for themselves. If they do it for a week they earn something like ordering pizza and renting a movie or whatever you want. I'm sorry to hear your daughter is sick. :(

I don't think you need to give the stuff to Goodwill, but I think you should warn them that anything they don't pick up will be boxed up and put away for a few months.

And then do it. Pick up all the stuff, and store it somewhere where they can't get it. Don't give it back to them for at least a month.

I think they will learn pretty quickly to pick up their stuff if you do this a couple of times.

Not picked up, goes into a giant bag. They have to earn things back. Very simple. The 11 year old is capable of doing laundry, at least her own. Give them chores to do. If they don't do it, things or privileges get taken away. You have to stick to your guns and don't give in. They will get it.

Pick the worst habits you can't stand. Announce that they are not going anywhere til x is done (laundry taken care of, food thrown away, toys picked up). It could take a day. It could take a weekend.

With the older kids you can make a list. List the things that need to change. Invite them to list things they can do. Go over the lists together. You and DH have the final say. You can say they each get three bins. The rest is gone. Show the older 2 how to do their laundry. Rotate who sets the table (my 5 yr old can set a table). Etc. It's their house. Everybody needs to pitch in.

You can also do things like say, "This house is so bad we are hiring a cleaning lady. Therefore, we will not be eating out for the month to pay for it."

Since you have a sick kid, get support. Respite care, support group, etc.