My Husband Makes Fun of Everyone, Rude, Hates My Family. ADHD, Bipolar?

I don't have similar experiences, however perhaps my response to what you posted can be useful to you. First, you are describing a pretty unpleasant living situation, as well as a deteriorating interaction between you (his nasty comments are creating a cycle where you react nastily). Let me ask you to consider this question: Did you in the past or do you now have enough good interactions and working-together to make up for this chronic negativity? If the ADHD takes off the filter, that means that the nastiness you are hearing is his typical inner dialogue. I know I probably wouldn't do well living long-term with someone who has that attitude, and I certainly wouldn't want to raise kids with them. Second, when you say 'tough it out' and ask 'is it worth it?', it seems like you already know the answer--probably not. I'd suggest you re-read J.B.'s response and consider her advice seriously because she's walked through similar experiences. Good luck with it.

Was he always like this and you turned a blind eye because you were in love? Has this developed and gotten worse over time? When you point out that he's said something rude or hurtful does he take ownership and apologize? If this is how he will be forever are you willing to accept that this is your life from now on and figure out how to make it work?

Personally I'd pull the plug on the marriage and call it a day. I would never have children with someone who made rude and hurtful comments because at some point my children would a) think its ok to treat others poorly because that's what they see their dad doing and b) become the target of rude and hurtful comments because that's what their dad does to everyone.

When you stop him or reply to his rudeness, what does he do? Does he apologize or laugh it off?

I wouldn't bring kids into this marriage. I wouldn't call it a marriage, sorry. I would call it an abusive relationship where you make excuses for him because you love him but allow him to do it.

My oldest son's girlfriend is bi-polar. She does not want to pass the gene onto kids so she, at the ripe young age of 18, has decided that she will never have kids of her own. While my son and her are dating and not talking marriage, this was something that came up after she had had an "episode" at our home. She is on lithium for her bi-polar and knows that if she got off it to get pregnant? She would be unbearable for herself and anyone around her. She's made a tough choice at such a young age. Unlike your husband? She doesn't intentionally hurt people.

Tell him he needs to get on medication and get counseling. This is no way to live a life nor spend it with someone who can't be nice. What attracted you to him in the first place? Why did you marry him?

It's probably a good idea to talk to a womens shelter so you can get some counseling to figure out what you should do.
At some point you have to ask yourself - are you better off with him or without him?
It's better to work this out before any kids come along.

i wish i had made the smarter choice back when i was only 2 years into my marriage! but back then he was not as rude as he is now. (the smarter choice for me would of been to get out and run as far from him as i could. ) but i toughed it out. and now here we are... 10+ years into marriage, 2 kids many animals and in counseling for his abusive tendencies (verbal and emotional)its a rough ride and if you can safely get out and away from him i say do it now before bringing kids into the mix.
some days we are totally ok but other days are downright miserable! we continue to work on things and i have hope that all our hard work will pay off someday

Hmmmm...my ex has ADHD and a mild form of bi-polar depression. Sounds like he has been diagnosed with ADHD if he takes medication for it. Bi-polar isn't an armchair diagnosis...it's actually one of the more difficult things to diagnose and treat. If you really think he has a mood disorder, then getting a diagnosis and treatment is imperative. I would not continue your marriage or have children until you are sure of what you are dealing with and know that he is committed to treatment. My ex refused to really treat his mood disorder and ADHD long-term and that was one of the major factors in our decision to divorce. His mental health issues negatively affected every aspect of our lives and were affecting our kids.

That said...he kind of sounds like a garden-variety d-bag. ADHD isn't an excuse to be an a-hole. ADHD definitely causes problems with impulse control. When one of my ADHD kids isn't on medication (either before it kicks in for the day or after it wears off), there is no filter between his brain and his mouth and not only are his thoughts really random and disconnected, but they all come spilling out of his mouth. But those thoughts aren't all rude, mean and nasty - that's not ADHD, that's a crummy personality.

ADHD is pretty easily treated with medication, a commitment to healthy lifestyle, and counseling. Bi-polar is harder to really control long-term. Having a mean streak and no shame about it, IMO, isn't fixable at all.

it's a common mistake to pass off crappy attitudes and lousy personalities with 'oh but they have xyz issues.'

people with ADHD and bipolar disorder have significant challenges but it doesn't mean they're jerks.

purely unpleasant jackholes can have ADHD and bipolar disorder, but the medical diagnoses are not the reason they're jackholes.

so do you enjoy being married to a jackhole? do you think a jackhole will pass on great genes and be an appropriate role model for the children you're contemplating having with him? will he be a great guy to grow old with?

what exactly is the payoff in 'toughing it out'?
khairete
puzzled S.

Did he behave this way before you married him? If not, what changed?
Why would you want to be married to a person who hates your family?
Do you think he wants to change?
Do you think your love will change him?

If you answered "yes" to the last question? I'm sorry. It won't. People must WANT to change in order to change.

Why would you want to tough it out? I don't understand how someone would put themselves through that on a daily basis? I won't be isolated from my family. He needs to get help. If he hasn't been diagnosed or treated? you should try and get him in.

Why do you consider it acceptable for your husband to treat you so rudely and disrespectfully? Why do you tolerate this? Do you think that mental health diagnoses excuse bad behavior?

Moreover, why would you even consider bringing children into the picture when your husband's behavior already creates so much negativity and strife with you and others?
Do you really think children would be spared his belittling remarks, criticisms, and negativity?

I'm not saying you should leave the marriage, but there is some serious work to do here before deciding to become parents. Your marriage seems to be in no shape right now to provide the kind of healthy environment a child needs to grow and thrive emotionally.

Start with you. Find a good therapist to help you. Ideally, your husband would also seek the help he admits he needs, too. Then, after you both work on individual issues, marriage therapy would be a great way to work on building the kind of partnership that is needed to provide a solid foundation upon which to build a family. BUT---both people in the marriage have to be on board and work to make the changes.

My experiences in this area are of the professional sort, and while I am not responding to you in a professional capacity, I just share my history so you don't discount what I'm saying simply because you may not like what I've written. You ask about whether your future children will "inherit" your husband's problems. What about how they would be affected by being in an environment where their father is constantly critical, negative and rude and doesn't really seem to care about how this affects others?

Find someone to help you work through all of this.

He sounds verbally abusive, and as he gets older, he WILL get worse. I would walk away from this marriage if he's unwilling to enter therapy and acknowledge he has a problem that needs to be addressed. Fortunately, you don't have kids but imagine if you did? They'd become his fresh, new target for criticism. Please don't allow that to happen. If you are okay with being verbally abused and have your family put down, that is YOUR choice, but don't force kids into that environment and lifestyle. They didn't ask for it.

I think you deserve better.

My son has severe AD/HD and does not act like that. Well, sometimes snarky to his mom, but all kids do that sometimes. He is NEVER rude or cruel. What your husband does is abusive.

Triple up on the birth control while you get your ducks in a row to leave this abusive bully. You do NOT want to have kids with him. If he is abusive to you, he will be abusive to them and will also show them you don't deserve to be treated better. Also, there is a genetic component to AD/HD and bipolar so your kids with him may also have these.

Run like the citizens of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla.