My Husband Hates That I Work from Home

Updated on June 04, 2019
R.M. asks from Livingston, NJ
18 answers

The commute to my office is about an hour each morning and afternoon. I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to work from home. I save so much time! I get more sleep in the mornings (waking up at 5 am when going into the office - now 6 am working from home), I don’t have to prep so much since I can make my lunch fresh and save time in the evening when I have to also feed our dogs, clean and cook then put away the leftovers so my husband has lunch. This was so daunting for a long time because I knew I had to crunch to get all of this done- while exhausted from a stressful job then long drive home. He definitely helps by sometimes cleaning the dishes from dinner. But now that I work from home he doesn’t have any personal space. I understand because I appreciate my alone time too. I just want some advice on how I can give my husband his alone time with me working from home. I have my own designated office space on a separate floor, but do come downstairs on my breaks and lunch. He had told me, even with a separate office space - it’s like he doesn’t really have alone time. Kind of like a “I’m always there” thing. I love our marriage and I know that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It does that for me too and I know that’s killing our spark. I want him to get that miss me feeling but still be able to work from home. I feel it’s asking to much to have both. Ugh.

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W.H.

answers from Sacramento on

Sounds like a man with something to hide and/or he's just not that into you as a person but really likes you as his servant. Good luck.

6 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

sorry but something stinks in Denmark. If you have separate offices on separate floors? There is something he doesn't want you to see or know about. That's my gut on that one.

He should be happy for you having extra time, less money spent on gas and car repairs. And that you have more time to sleep and take care of other things. Doesn't sound like he cares as much about the marriage as you do.

I don't get the "miss me feeling" spark. I've been married for over 25 years. My husband has been on numerous deployments and I don't miss him while he's at work, I mean I miss someone to talk with, but I don't yearn for him. When he was deployed? Yeah, I missed him something fierce.

5 moms found this helpful

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i agree with both of you that having some no-other-people time is important for humans. some of us need it more than others.

it sounds as if your husband is home all the time too?

when you're living together, sometimes solo time means being in a room by yourself. i get that it's not the same- i love being home all by myself, and the husband puttering around somewhere nearby isn't quite the same. but life ain't always perfect.

i'm a little distressed that a situation that is obviously so very much better for you is being tainted by a husband who frankly sounds a little whiny. if you're in your office, and just coming down to have lunch or a small break, that's pretty sweet for him. i'm also very taken aback that he 'helps out' by doing the dishes sometimes, but all the cooking and cleaning AND preparing his lunch falls on you. is he an invalid?

i dunno. sounds to me as if you're doing all the bending over backwards to arrange every detail of your life to suit him, while he grumps and mopes. if he's not getting enough 'me' time, tell him to go for a freakin' hike. you're WORKING. and if you can work without a killer commute, a good husband should be overjoyed for you, not picking at you and making you feel guilty.

khairete
S.

10 moms found this helpful
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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Tell him if he wants to be alone he can shut the door!
I see red flags here. If he can't appreciate you having the two extra hours a day not to mention the savings on gas and wear and tear on the car then he sounds like a completely selfish person.
Also probably not "working" as much as you thought he did.

7 moms found this helpful
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N.C.

answers from San Diego on

If your husband wants alone time, why doesn’t he just leave the house?

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

Are you saying that he has worked at home all this time, but since you are now at home, he feels that his space is invaded? You work long hours, it sounds like, if you're up at 6 - so somehow, you coming into "his" space for a couple of breaks and a lunch hour is an imposition on his 8 or so hours "alone"? And he wants to live/work in this space, and maybe clean up a few dishes now and then while you care for the dogs and do the cleaning and cook extra food so he has lunch? What is he doing for himself and for you?

This doesn't sound like a very equal relationship, frankly. I think there's more going on here than where you work. I'd talk to him - or if necessary, get a counselor - to figure out why he's so uncomfortable being around you and participating in the joint care of your home. He wants a cook, maid and income-provider, but not a partner? I don't by the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" line. Not spending every waking moment together is one thing - not wanting to see you for an occasional coffee break or lunch is ridiculous. What's he doing all day that can't have a witness or an interruption?

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B.A.

answers from Minneapolis on

A change in routine is a change for everyone. That said, it sounds like your change is good for you and he will have to adapt. You are not responsible for his feelings and you should not do a long commute to give him his space. Is it a pattern for him to see everything as about himself? Does he work? Why does he not share household chores? I think the issues here are much more than a different job routine.

6 moms found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from Portland on

He has alone time when he's in his office. Most couples don't have that much alone time at home. I suggest you let him figure out how he can adapt to you working at home. Each of us is responsible for working out how we organize our lives. When we're a part of a couple we often have to make adjustments. If he can verbalize why he wants you to go to office and his reason is more important than your reason to work at home, the two of you can then make a decision of how to manage this. If you not working at home gives you more time for the family and care taking, especially when he doesn't take on some of the care taking, it's important that he consider what's best for you and children. A possibility would be for him to take on the responsibility for the chores you do after all he's at home. I suggest that he is only considering what he wants. He's not a partner in providing for his family.

If you want to discuss alternatives to make this work, you could have a schedule that would let him know when to stay in his office and afford him lone time for the working hours.

If there are no children, he can fix his own dinner and clean up. If you have a dog because he wants a dog, he can feed and walk him. I would emphasize to him why you working at home helps him. I urge you to take care of yourself. Let him take care of himself. You are not married so you can take care of him. Marriage requires that both people are able to discuss and make decisions together. Together, consider both partners needs.

What reason does he give for you to sacrifice your energy and time for him? I also think he has reasons for you to go to office that are not related to family life. He sounds selfish and not in tune with your needs. It's all about what he wants.

I suggest you find a relationship counselor or a life coach to help you know how to take care of yourself. I suggest your relationship is more about him getting what he wants than how to make your marriage one of equal partners.

BTW does his work from home provide an income? If he's not actually working, I urge you to find why you're willing to take sacrifice your well being for a man that expects you to take care of him.

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❤.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

He's being petulant. If he wants more space, he needs to leave the house.
Does he work from home?
Why shouldn't you be able to work from home? That's ridiculous. You're lucky
enough to work from home so keep doing it
Just have separate work spaces.
Don't engage with him while you're working.
You do your thing.
If my husband said that to me and he would, I would not talk to him during the work day, get my own work done.
I'd converse later in the evening.
I would just go about my business getting work done, throw in a load of laundry, run the dishwasher etc.
I wouldn't even talk to him.
You need your space and he can have his.
Men are like having another child.

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D..

answers from Miami on

I’m sorry, but shame on him. He’s being a jerk and you need to stop feeling like you have to fix this for him.

I really don’t trust your husband very much.

5 moms found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Well I don't really see how this is a parenting question (?) but maybe he didn't quite work so hard when you weren't around and now he resents that you're witness to how he actually spends his time.
I also wonder why two working adults (home or not) don't split the chores. Is this a Christian thing where you think it's your duty to care for him, the home and animals while he relaxes? That if he "sometimes" lifts a finger he's such a good helper? That's what I would say to my five year old not my grown husband and partner.
I suggest you give him his precious alone time by
1) sometimes working from the local coffee shop
2) signing up for classes or joining a gym or whatever other activites you like during non working hours (if he complains about you not being home for dinner you can remind him of the alone time wanted)
3) taking yourself on a nice long weekend, either alone or with girlfriends, to refresh and recharge
Honestly he should be happy about the fact that you no longer have that hellish commute and the fact that he's not should speak volumes about how he really feels about you. Basically HIS needs and wants should come first.
UGH. Good luck.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I can't tell if your husband works from home, looks after kids from home, or why this would bother him .. I feel you've left something out.

I also can't tell if this is just a need for space or if it's a bigger issue. Hate is a strong word.

As for 'space', you can go to a coffee shop a couple of afternoons a week, and now they have 'office' spaces for people who work from home to go to get out of the house. You can work in peace or connect with others to be more social. You'd still avoid the commute and drop in when you like. Just look it up.

As for the bigger issue, this is your employment and he should be respectful. I would think that comes first. He has to adapt. You can compromise, and anything you do should be good for your well-being (it's sometimes good to get out of the house).

Communication is key obviously. If he's really bothered by this, he needs to find alternatives (his own space, his needs, etc.).

4 moms found this helpful

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

welcome to mamapedia, R..

I work from home. I don't like it when my husband is home when I'm working. We don't have a huge house. We have 2 floors and 3K square feet - and only ONE office, not two. Our computers are right next to each other and I have a hard time talking with candidates when he is sitting there.

You need to work a schedule out with your husband.

I'd also wonder WHY he needs you gone - what is he doing that he doesn't want you to see or witness?

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Perhaps he needs a room that's a designated 'man cave' where he can go to be alone.
Or maybe he can take up fishing, walk the dogs, jogging, build bird houses, etc.
I don't think this is so much about you working from home.
It's not up to you to fix this for him or give it to him.
Men like to find their own solutions.

So what does he do for work?
What else - besides sometimes cleaning dishes after supper - does he do around the house?
It sounds like you do a whole lot and although I don't know the details - your husband is sounding a bit whiny.

Additional:
I wonder if he's been having a 'friend' over while you were not working from home and now you can observe who comes and goes and if/when hubby come and goes.
That would make a lot of sense seeing as how miffed he seems to be that you are working from home.
If he wants time to cheat then he's going to have to be a lot more obvious about it or give it up.
That might really be what is driving his mood.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

My husband worked from home for 15 years. I loved it and miss it now that his job requires a lot of travel. Is your husband working from home too or is he taking care of your kids? I can not understand his perspective at all. It makes me think he’s hiding something.

3 moms found this helpful
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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Tell him to go to Starbucks. Jeez.

3 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I have lots of questions: What does your husband do that he is also at home all day? I could understand if he is a police officer, nurse, firefighter, etc. who has off days...or??? and why can't he adjust to you being there? There is no information that I can see about you so I can't tell if you have children or not, if you are married or not, or even how long you 've been together. From my point of view I would love having the days home with my husband and he loves it when I'm there and he is off. Usually when someone is upset that his free time/alone time is ruffled a little bit then he is doing something in his free time/alone time that is not a very good thing. I suggest you pay close attention to what he is doing while at home. He sounds like he is hiding something. And if you completely trust him and think he is not-then you should both be able to work this out rather easily. Or he could move.

3 moms found this helpful
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R.K.

answers from Boston on

If I read your post correctly, I understand you work from home, but it's not clear if you husband does, too. Either way, it's true that alone time can be beneficial for everyone.

Most years, my husband and I worked similar hours. One year, he changed jobs and came home an hour after me. Every day. I found that I loved that hour of me time, even though I spent it prepping dinner or helping the kids with homework. It just seemed easier to do things, without the two of us.

So if you change in schedule means that at no time does your husband have the house to himself, it may be that you could schedule a daily trip to the gym for an hour. Other than that, it seems you need to work this out together. All my best.

2 moms found this helpful
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