Current situation: My Step son's mother is now trying to communicate with my in-laws after 9 yrs of being divorced by my husband. She never met my in-laws in person and has never expressed any concern for them. NOW, on Facebook (FB), she found my husband's page...looked through his and my friends list and has decided to introduce herself to his dad, sister and uncle (she has met the sister, but they have no history). Both my husband's and my FB are private and now our friend's list is too. I plan on addressing this to her. I want to know what she is trying to accomplish and what is the purpose of this NOW? I honestly don't know why she would be interested now. She is re-married and to my knowledge has/is having baby drama with her new husband....could it be she is trying to test me? Trying to make, my relationship a little hectic as her current husband's ex has/is doing to her? I just need some advice as to how to bring this up to her without it making it seem as though it has anything to do with jealousy, insecurity or any other nonsense...because it DOESN’T. I just want to know "why now, after all these years?" And the email had nothing to do, nor did not mention anything about the child..this was her trying to show off a pic (probably) and has something up her sleeve.
Background: My husband has had 100% full custody of his now 11y/o son for 8yrs. We've been married for 5.5 yrs. My son (step son) calls me momma and we have the type of relationship and bond that any "biological" mother and child would. The child does get to see his mother once a year (she lives in a different state than we do). The actual mother does have a relationship with the child, but it could be better and needs more effort on her part (I’ve expressed this to her and she is aware). She has 2 older kids, remarried and a child with the current marriage. My husband got her pregnant unplanned…they were married toward the end of the pregnancy, just a few months after they met. He never brought her to his hometown, she never met his parents in person, and only met 2 of his relatives who just so happened to live in their area for a short period of time. Her and I hashed things out a long time ago, she expressed her concerns, I addressed that the adults’ communication would be focused on the child...Nothing more/nothing less...the child is our goal and only commonality. We have been cordial ever since.
This trying to reach out on FB confuses me…I feel it is irrelevant…really she can ask the child how they’re doing..if she was focused on the child and his relationships this is something that should have been done a long time ago..heck she could’ve introduced herself as the child’s mom…not the Ex-Wife (in the FB message).
Ladies,
Thank you for the great advice. I took your suggestions and life learned lessons into consideration..and prayed on it. I've decided to let things be and NOT address this occurance. I learned more information in regard to this matter and now look at things a little differently.
Most important things I've taken away: People who don't genuinely love or care for you will say what you want to hear, only tell you what they want you to know and to top it off, they owe you nothing. So now I don't expect too much from some people, but still have love for those who come in my life whether it be for a reason, season, or lifetime.
Ignore her behavior since isn't threatening or dangerous in any way. Facebook isn't the real world. If she isn't stalking or suddenly sending things in the mail I think it would be best to ignore this behavior at this time. Let the inlaws handling it as they see fit.
I would say don't concern yourself with her actions. This is really between her and the ex-in-laws and I'm sure that they don't really want a relationship with her at this point and will respond appropriately for themselves. And certainly don't try to figure out her thought processes, as it will probably just drive you to act irrationally. Stay calm and un-involved and more than likely with little or no attention shown to her she will just stop...much like the actions of a child. Good luck.
D., it really doesn't matter what the ex's motivations may be. It is also totally irrelevant to your life whether or not she is in contact with your in-laws. That is her personal issue good, bad, or otherwise.
If you are secure in your relationship with your husband and your son, just relax and let her life take its course independant of you and your family. Whatever her needs and desires are, they don't effect you unless you allow them to. How does it really matter if she is in contact with your in-laws? Your FB page and your husband's are both private and you, and your husband I assume, have not added her as a friend, so just ignore it. And, if your in-laws decide they want to accept her what difference does it make? You don't tell them what to do otherwise so you don't want to make an issue out of the ex either.
You wonder if she is testing you - in what way or for what purpose, I'm not sure. But, if you respond to her IN ANY WAY you have failed the test!
You have, by necessity, a relationship with her for your son's sake. Other than that, there is no reason to even acknowledge her. Treat her as you would any other interloper on FB. Ignore her request for friend status. You know, just because the phone rings it doesn't mean you have to answer it. Just because someone knocks at the door, it doesn't mean you have to open it. And just because someone asks to be invited into your circle of friends, it doesn't mean you have to welcome them.
You are in charge of your life and, whenever you allow something like this to disturb your life, you are relinquishing a piece of that control to someone else. Is she worth it? Do you really want to give this woman control of any part of your life? Do you really want to teach your son that it is okay to let someone else take control?
Probably not.
So you really know what to do, don't you? Nothing!
Definitely ignore this - no note, no questions, nothing. She is looking for attention (for whatever reason) so any reaction from you gives it to her. And I would certainly ask everyone to "unfriend" her on Facebook. Should she realize and ask why, simply say that a social networking site is not the appropriate place to discuss your son's welfare and happiness and since that's the only thing you and your family want to discuss with her it seemed appropriate.
D.,
I would have your husband, (along with you) message her directly and ask her what the deal is. Your husband should point out to her that she is right, she is the EX wife and therefore has no business contacting and I'm assuming, upsetting his parents. He should make it clear that if she has concerns over her son, the questions should be directed to him and you only and that anything above and beyond is not her business.
Other than that, i do not know what to say except definitely block her on FB and to coin a phrase....."Some mother's children!" said with an eyeroll and to mean, some people are just socially unfit! lol
Good luck,
B.
If your husband is also on Facebook I would encourage him to contact her and see what she hopes to accomplish by contacting his family? Could she be trying to build a better relationship with her son by getting to know people that are important to him?
If she is trying to stir up stuff then your husband should ask her to refrain from doing that. I am new to FB but from my understanding you can only look at someones profile/page if they have accepted you as a friend. With the exception of if they comment on a picture or site.
D., I first would relax although I *TOTALLY* understand where you are coming from.. First relax as she is going to look like the *ss per say. There is a reason he didn't introduce her to his family even after he married her... I would suggest that everyone just UN-friend her.. she won't know unless she doesn't see a post from you all but if questioned you can always say it is in the best interest of your family. Some people on FB want to be everyone's friend and then they SEE the tidbits of someone's life... I don't like that even for certain family members... they don't NEED to know my every comment or the little things in my life.
Do what is best for you and your family, I would suggest if I may that your hubby talks to his family and suggest that they all un friend her.
I would stay out of it and let your in-laws deal with her. She contacted them so now they have a choice in replying to her or just ignoring her. I can't imagine since she doesn't even have custody of their grandchild why they would want to reply to her. And, if you say something to her about it or tell her not to contact them, then she will think that they are not responding to her because of you. You don't want her twisting it all around so that you look like the bad guy. She probably is doing it because she feels left out. Just ignore her.
I know exactly what you are going through. My ex of 10yrs, contacted my sister and some of my friends about 3 months ago on FB. He sent my sister a Friend Request after he sent me two messages. We did not have any children together, but were in a relationship for 7 yrs. I was highly upset, but did not get involved, my family and friends took care of that for me. He does not even know my best friend, they only meet once when we were younger, but he tried to befriend her too. I guess his significant other found out because he quickly deleted my friend from his page. I said my peace in the message reply that I sent him and left his last message lingering in the air. I do not have time for the pettiness and am moving forward.
I suggest you let matters take care of themselves. So what she contacted them.. Let it be. If you are happy and secure in your relationship, then she can do whatever she wants and it will not phase you or your loved ones. She will slowly become ashamed and consumed with loneliness if she is looking to interfere in the life that you and your husband have created.
It could be innocent -- some people tend to "friend" everyone on f/b they've ever met or even heard of. She may feel a bit "out of the loop" when it comes to her child's grandparents and life with your husband. Or, she could be trying to start something.
If she *is* being sneaky and trying to do something bad (whether it's to ingratiate herself with YOUR in-laws, or get YOUR husband back, or whatever), then the best thing you can do is to make yourself so far superior to her in every way you can, that her attempts at disrupting YOUR life are a pathetic joke. Make sure your husband wants for nothing at home (smile at him a lot, laugh with him at his jokes, flirt with him, fix his favorite meals, hug him, tell him how wonderful he is, be a lot of fun in bed, etc. -- give him no excuse to reminisce about "the good old days" with his ex because he's so thrilled with HIS WIFE). And the same thing goes double with your in-laws -- give them no complaint about you, so they will have no reason to wish your husband was still married to his ex.
