My Friend Just Broke up Two Marriages - What to Say?

WOW, once a cheater always a cheater. If she would do this to her husband and children dosn't sound like a good person. And what about the other guy if he'd do it to his family what makes her think he won't do it again to her. Not much of a mother either instead of running around S%^$^&% some guy why wasn't she caring for her kids. I wouldn't want to be associated with a person like this as the sayin goes"Birds of a feather flock together"

Probably not the answer you want to hear. But if they are that kind of person, then they are not a good one. And you said its "despicable" and I agree that it is. I wouldnt want a friend like that, I wouldnt be able to respect them for doing it that way, and not the right way. If it were me I would probably start distancing myself because I cant be friends with someone who does that to people. Its wrong. And I also wouldnt want to listen to all the "dirty details" that might be shared because we were friends. Not a good person in my eyes.

Ugh. What a bad spot to be in. Well if I were you I would not be able to trust her. How important is this friendship to You?

I, too, don't understand this whole "don't judge" train of thought. You better believe I'm going to judge. This woman had a CHOICE. She could have CHOSEN to walk away because, c'mon, she knew it was WRONG.

But no, she stayed and had the affair. Yes, she broke up two marriages, and yes, what she did will affect the lives of two other adults and all of the young children involved.

Maybe if more people "judged", we would have better moral standards in this country. Tell your friend to get over herself, go back to her husband and try to repair the damage that she has caused. What she did was selfish and was without any regard for the commitments she has made to her husband and children.

I agree with you. Despicable.

Seriously she alone did not break up two marriages. There are 4 adults there and they all probably have a part in it in one way or another.
Fireproofing your marriage is a continual job.

Wow - so many perfect people commenting on the happenings of an imperfect world - it must be nice to be beyond judgement.

Aren't we celebrating some holiday right now that has to deal with a man and his ability to wash away our sins...and also something about forgiveness, kindness towards your fellow man...we are all sinners...remember that before you go throwing rocks in your little glass houses...

I really don't get "don't judge" - has our society gone so far that we can't think affairs are wrong? If she/they wanted out, fine. But it is wrong that she went after a married man while married. If her marriage was so bad, she should have left it first and then found a new partner.

I would tell her you don't approve and you don't know what to say. They've destroyed two homes and she will get no support from you about it.

Well, she broke up her marrige. The cheating guy broke up his marriage. Are you suppose to tell her everything is OK and she's not a bad person? I couldn't be that phony. I would have difficulty trusting her judgement and would appreciate she is across the country. I feel bad for the kids. Good luck.

**addition - to those that are pointing out that the husband may not have been perfect and not to judge - she could have gotten DIVORCED and moved on instead of being so hurtful to her family. A mistake is forgetting your keys on the counter, not getting naked with another man. OK, done.

once upon a time i was so perfect that i would base friendships upon whether or not they deserved to be around my perfection.
then i got older.
i can be REALLY angry, upset, disappointed and broken up over a friend's bad decisions. but i can keep the friendship if the reasons for the friendship haven't changed.
but when the rubber meets the road, no one can 'destroy' a solid marriage without the willing participation of the cheating spouse.
has she asked for your advice or commentary? if so, be honest. if not, decide whether or not you can continue the relationship and keep yourself separate from the issue.
khairete
S.

My husband told me once if you truly value a friend, then you tell the truth, even if the truth hurts.

AFTER READING SOME OF THE RESPONSES: I can assure you with 100% clarity.....there is NO SUCH THING AS A "PERFECT HUSBAND OR A PERFECT WIFE"......Judge Ye NOT? Some of your husbands may be doing or have done, the same thing and have just not been caught yet! If you think I'm wrong, just ask a question and look at his face....or if you can't find the courage to do so.....check his laundry and pockets.

Can I get an Amen Sisters?

What would you do if she was your sister? Loving someone doesn't mean you must agree with all their decisions. Remember HATE the sin, LOVE the sinner. I would tell her straight up that you think she's made a bad decision and it hurts you for a number of reasons, but mostly how this decision will affect so many lives, especially the lives of small children. I would also send her husband a letter to let him know that you care.

Blessings......

Her having an affair while married didn't break up her marriage or her partners. When someone looks outside their marriage for love and acceptance it's because something in their marriage is not supporting their needs. Some people try to figure out what's wrong and work with their partner to get things back on the right track. Some try but their partner is unable or unwilling to participate. Since you don't know all the details it's kind of unfair to sit in judgement of this person. How a family looks on the outside can be drastically different from how they are behind closed doors.

As far as what to say to this person I'd say to speak from your heart. If you are unable or unwilling to be there for her then don't but to make her 100% responsible for the a situation that you know very few details about.

My perspective: she left a marriage that wasn't working for her, for whatever reason. It might be that she decided to find a male 'safety net' before leaving her husband.

If it were me, and I had time to compose myself, I might start that conversation with "so tell me, what happened?". See what she has to say.

I'm not actually as open-minded as I might sound: my mother cheated on all of her husbands. She got burned leaving husband #3; he didn't leave the wife like she had counted on. #4 was the boyfriend of her 'best' friend. She's on #5 now. Her infidelities have had enormous, damaging effects on the lives of her children.

So the reason I ask you to listen to what she has to say is that you will be better able to give her good, empathetic and grounded advice if you do. Has your friend gone to see a marriage counselor before this? Has her new boyfriend gone with his spouse? I think you could be a good friend and raise hard questions at the same time. I've had friends challenge me in the past-- not because of their being judgmental, but because they had my best interest at heart-- and while I didn't like hearing it, I didn't stop being friends with them. What is your friend wanting from this new guy? How does she envision the future working? You might find that she's caught up in the moment of new romance, and you may need to be a patient friend. Asking questions, though, instead of telling her what you think (and I might not offer advice until I was asked-- just ask thought-provoking questions on your end) will help her to be more reflective as she recalls and describes what's going on. Sometimes talking helps.

So sorry you are having to go through this. I know-- it's hard to watch.

Actually, my sister did that. She left her perfect husband for a married man, and her children were 3 and 1 at the time. It was heartbreaking.

This was completely out of character for her. If I had to make a list of everyone I know, and put them in order of most likely to least likely to do something unethical, irresponsible, cheat, etc. she would have been at the very bottom of the list. Three years after it happened, I STILL cant believe it.

Its been absolutely devastating to our family. Parts of our family have not spoken to her since this has happened, and it has strained her relationships with everyone. She has several "best friends" who no longer speak with her. She has split custody, so she only sees her children 3 1/2 days a week.

It has taken me a while to deal with this, and I dont know if I still totally do. What I decided was that, she was my sister, and I love her no matter what. Even though this situation was of her own making, she went through the toughest time she had ever had in her life. She became so stressed her hair started falling out. She became sick - pneumnia, bronchitis, and then thyroid cancer. I just decided that I needed to be there for her, and stand by her, and get my mind wrapped around the idea enough so that we could stay in each others lives. She was my sister and my best friend and had stood by me and protected me my entire life. I still hate what happend, but I love her and want her to be happy.

What I think you should do is to tell your friend that you think she made the wrong choice and encourage her to go to counseling. Tell her it will take you a while to get your head around what happened - that this is out of character for her and you just dont understand. Tell her that you want her to be happy, but caution her against the fall out from this. She will lose things she will never get back. The consequences will go on forever.

If you feel that it is true, tell her that care about her, no matter what, and you will try to be a good friend to her.

I have a friend in a similar situation right now. She has asked for a divorce from her husband who has severely neglected her for many years. That still doesn't make it okay.

I have remained her friend, and tried to guide her thinking in more rational directions. For one thing, she needs realize that a man who will cheat on his wife with her, is also very, very likely to cheat on HER with someone else in the future!! He has shown her his character. (And vice versa.) I am not acting like her affair is "okay", but I try to keep the conversation focused upon her doing the right thing and considering everyone's needs as she goes forward in this process. I remind her often that whatever she decides from this point on is not irrevocable (other than having already broken her husband's heart and lost her children's respect), because she could get back with her husband and mend the marriage, even while divorce papers are in progress, to see if he really means it about making some needed changes, or if they re-unite and it doesn't work out, she could still file for divorce later.

Well, you said it already. "DESPICABLE". Just tell her, don't skirt the issue. She has no self-respect, and no values, and lacks morals. She is selfish, and a tramp.

Resist the temptation to pass judgement. While I would not let this woman within 10 feet of my husband, I would still be her long distance friend. She has been a great friend to you and she needs a friend right now, more than ever. Sometimes when you've done something you're not proud of is when you need a friend the most. No one is completely scandal free, sin free, and drama free all the time. You know she has paid a dear price for this thing she has done. She's broken her family and put her kids and husband through hell. I'm sure she's going through a little hell of her own. It's not our place to punish peoples mistakes. She is already paying the price. She's probably been shunned in her church and her community. She may lose her kids. Does she have to lose all her friends too?

Yes, she did an aweful thing. But, we are all human and we make mistakes. You can be honest with her about your opinion and give her advice but she didn't do this to you. She obviously could use some guidance and support in making the right decisions. I have stood by friends through drug addictions, affairs, whatever. Good people can do terrible, terrible things. Just be honest and do what you feel is right. If you are too upset to hear about it for awhile then tell her. She is going to live in the wake of this situation for the rest of her life.

As long as she is a long distance friend I would still be her friend. If she mentions anything to you about the relationship or has any problems I would just tell her that you would rather not comment becuase you are afraid that it would jeopardize your relationship and you want to remain her friend.

Well if she did that to another friend, then could she also do that to you...?

Do you love your friend like a sister? Are you that close to her?
Decide honestly

What would you do or say of she were your sister.
I will always love my sister, that does not mean I will agree or not be disappointed by her, but I will not avoid her or shun her or judge her, I will always love her. That is what real family does.

Please stop judging your friend. I have never done anything like this, but I have learned not to judge people. We can never know another person's heart and strong emotions and feelings....we can never walk in another person's shoes. I'm sure this entire thing has been extremely hard for her and she was reaching out to you bc she needs a friend.

I have a very hard time being objective about this, having been on the receiving end and seeing how much it hurts children. Kids can overcome it, but why should they have to? It's so selfish.

I have 2 friends who have had relationships with married men. One was quite young (and naive) when it happened and it ended--badly. She calls it her "dark period" and is horrified by it. The other is stuck in a platonic, absolutely no sex marriage and is having an affair with a married man who is also in a sexless marriage. It is difficult to be a friend to someone who is engaged in actions you disapprove of. But I care for my friends--true friends are hard to find... I consider all of my close girlfriends as sisters. I wouldn't be able to end our friendship over something done that in actuality doesn't involve me.

Instead, I've asked not to know the details of the affair. Because it makes me anxious about my own marriage to be so acquainted with the details. I am there as her friend, to support her--but I don't have to support the affair.

You don't know how things were in his marriage. You might know if she had issues in her marriage... But,** listen up all you out there who no longer want to sleep with your spouse**: your spouse never agreed to a platonic adult existence. Unless you've faced the prospect of a sexless marriage for the next 20-30 years, you don't know whether an affair would or would not be an option--and you don't know how emotionally desperate either of these two were.

Just a few months ago, a friend I had previously thought sooo very highly of confided in me something similar. She had began sleeping with her married boss, and left her husband for him when she tried to get him to leave his wife. Well, when he told his wife he was leaving, she was crushed and wanted to try to work things out so their young kids wouldn't loss their normal life. When he really thought about what it would do to his kids to go through their break-up, he wouldn't do it and stayed with his wife. He fired my friend, who tried to go back to her husband (they have 3 kids, 8, 3 and 1) but he wasn't so forgiving, don't blame him. So she had to take the kids and move back home, several states away. Bad enough huh? Well, she didn't let it go. She'd leave her kids with her mom and fly down there to "surprise" him. Now a few months later they're sleeping together again every couple weeks and "cybering" on an almost daily basis. He's in marriage counseling and going to church with his wife, who thinks they're improving their relationship and growing stronger/closer after a crisis. I feel so horrible for his wife, and just disgusted with this woman I once called a trusted friend. When she told me this for the first time, I completely remained silent, and eventually she realized I wasn't going to sit and giggle with her about it. She finally asked me what I thought, and I told her I just felt so bad for his wife. I talked to her a few more times when it was either outright ignore her or speak to her. But I'm just not comfortable with her anymore, she's not the person I thought she was, not someone I'd want around my husband, and not someone I could ever trust or want to be around again.... But the final straw came when she was complaining about the tantrums her two older kids throw after their dad leaves (he goes up there for weekend visits when he can). It's only been 4months, what does she expect from KIDS???? Now I don't talk to her at all, and feel sorry not only for the wife, but ALL the kids involved.

Okay to be fair, your friend was not alone in the affair. Yes it is terrible what happened but you also have to consider all angles and you only know one angle. Yes having an extramarital affair is a terrible thing but maybe the marriage is a terrible thing. She didnt "make" this man step out on his wife he did it on his own. You are not in any position to be judge and jury to this woman you are in a position to be her friend let her know you dont really agree with her choices and maybe an explanation of what exactly caused the erosion of two marriages in order.

I have many personal thoughts/judgmental for this sort of scenario, but it may be faster to dwell on your thoughts. You used words like 'terrible and despicable' that tells me that despite how dear she is to you and how long you've been friends you don't approve and appear to be struggling with continuing to be her friend. This would certainly bring up trust issues with respects to can I trust her around my family? So try to ask (and answer) yourself can you accept this choice in her life and get past it?
Good luck in your decision and sorry that you are faced with it.

Holy Moly. That is a rough one! Of course you're going to judge her, what she did was wrong. How can you not judge her? Her offense is totally judgable (not sure if that is a word).

The thing is, SHE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG. No sense in bringing it to her attention, right? What good will that do? It's funny, I just did a blog entry on this same kind of topic last week. Anyway, your job is not to judge, your job is to be her friend, and it sounds like you still plan on doing just that. It sucks that her marriage wasn't a good one but not all marriages are. It sucks A LOT that kids are involved but hopefully she will continue to be a good mom, and I'm sure she will because that is HER job.

I have a dear friend. When she was single she had a fling with a married man...they bought deluded themselves into thinking b/c they didn't do "IT" technically (penetration) that it wasn't cheating. This went on a few times per year for a couple years.) I told her I definitely thought it was cheating. It didn't impact our friendship. She filled me in less & less on the details and eventually, it fizzled. She knew where I stood but she was free to do as she chose.

My response is not about being judgmental or not, I would hope that I had enough good friends, who loved me enough to pray for me and be honest in talking with me! I'm far from perfect, but I need to know when I'm being too selfish and off track - isn't that what true friends are for? I'm sorry for the pain for all involved. I'd be spending a lot of time on my knees!

Yuck for both the cheaters.I have no idea what to tell you. My husband and i recently broke up due to him cheating and some of our friends wont talk to him anymore and others will. I guess its a personal choice. Just because i have been on the recieving end i wouldnt talk to her ever again and tell her what a p-o-s she is.

I am going through something extremely similar right now. You are right-it is a despicable thing to do to a family. It sucks to know that the people we care about and admire the most are capable of living out such decietful lives. Be honest with her about your feelings. If she can handle that you do not agree with her choices, then great. Be her friend if you can. If she is upset because you are not willing to pat her on the back and tell her you understand, then you need to cut her loose. Don't compromise your moral standards to accomodate her choices. I have been very open to my friend. It works for us and thankfully she is no longer cheating and is trying very hard to move on with her life. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her exactly how you feel: That you are diappointed in the choices that she has made and you are worried about the spouses that are left to pick up the mess she helped make and the children that have to adjust to a new life. With the exception of the 2 cheaters, the rest are innocent bystanders that did not ask for any of this and it is unfair.
Sorry for the rant. This subject is touchy with me! Good luck and God bless!

you better keep her away from your man!

Wow, it would be very hard for me to be friends with someone like that. Im just speechless...

What do you say in response to her admission that she did this terrible thing? Tell her the truth, that you think it is a terrible thing, and despicable. You can only be a real friend if you can be honest with her. It should make her uncomfortable! Then she gets to decide what to do with your honesty, and whether she can still be friends with someone who will tell her like it is.

You NEED to be straight up with her about her actions and how YOU feel about them.

I admit it's despicable. But you don't know all the sides of the story....while what she did was morally wrong - we don't know what happened BEHIND closed doors in EITHER marriage.

You need to decide if this is the type of friend you want to keep around or not. I was only separated from my first husband when I met my second one and we weren't "legally" separated...we were living over seas. My 1st husband couldn't keep his d*** in his pants, was abusive and controlling...this was ALL behind closed doors - people didn't see the "real" man (I use this word loosely) until we were legally separated and divorced....My second husband - yes, our relationship started under a cloud - however, we've been married for 14 years now...

So you need to ask yourself - do you know the WHOLE story? IS THIS the type of person you want in your life? Find the details out before you make a decision. Also - keep this in mind - she didn't tell you her marriage was in trouble - so really - how close are you?

Beth Moore has a great teaching called "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things". I have the cd's, but when I looked it up online - I see that it is also a book. This helped me tremendously when I was dealing with a loved one's bad behavior.

I couldn't, nor would I want to be friends with somebody like that. It's not about being judgemental, it's about picking friends who have good character and this person clearly does not.

Since when did it become wrong to judge someone's behavior? I don't understand all these people that go around saying it's not up to us to judge. Sure it is, as long as it involves someones behavior. Of course you shouldn't judge by skin color, race etc., but when somebody CLEARLY does something wrong, then we should judge and hold them accountable.

A good friend is honest. Sometimes the truth hurts. If she only wants people who will "support her" in this behavior, she can try to find new friends. This is her bed and her choice, but you don't need to compromise yourself - or patronize her - by relieving her of accountability for her actions.

Stay phone friends with her just to hear the drama of it all. Yes, it is sad for those involved. Thank goodness you are the other side of the country. It could be entertaining on your part.

What I value most in friendship, is honesty. I don't want friends, who don't tell me the truth...or who don't tell others the truth. I think I differ from you, in that she would not be my friend anymore. I could NOT associate myself and my loyalty, to a person who could be so careless, so selfish, so harmful and terrible to her children. To me, it doesn't matter what problems a marriage has...you don't cheat. You leave, then pursue relationships. You don't give your children that example. I would tell my "friend" all of this, then decline her friendship in the future...that's just me, though.

If you (well, your friend) are miserable in your marriage, then have the balls to fix whats wrong or make a clean break of it before you start messing with someone else.
Why can't people deal with one relationship at a time?
The problem I'd have with any friend who makes a confession like that is that they just are not who they have been pretending to be and it they can do that to their closest partner in life, then what could/would they do to me?
Apparently nothing is sacred to them.
I'd be distancing myself from her.

yikes this sucks for everyone involved & you too......i personally couldn't be friends with someone that would do this......i would tell her she'd better repent & do the right thing & get it out of her convoluted mind that the grass is greener on the other side

One of my closest friends (should say used to be closest friends) did something similar a few years ago. She had a toddler at home and was married to a guy I was friends with for years before I even met her. They started having some issues at home, and she started having an affair with an older (he was mid 40s, we were early 30s) married man who had kids of his own at home. It disgusted me. It went on for about a year, then she finally divorced her husband. The affair with the other man ended, but things between us were never quite the same. The whole thing just made me sick. I guess I'm fortunate enough to be in a great marriage, but still don't think there is any way I could ever do that regardless. I told her how I felt about it but she kind of just laughed it off and said she couldn't help herself.

I had a co-worker who did the exact same thing. I had a real hard time respecting her. I would not want to be in her shoes at all. She has messed up her marriage. She is with a guy she will never be able to trust, because who says he won't cheat on her, he cheated on his wife. She committed social suicide. She is probably going to be going through all kinds of financial problems. Her kids are going to have all the adjustment issues that comes with it. At the end of the day my co-worker went back to her husband. I guess you need to do what you feel is best

I agree, despicable...but you don't know what goes on in people's homes. She has always been a good person, so give her the benefit of the doubt. You could be honest, tell her you are surprised (horrified??!) that she could risk hurting two families, but she has always been such a good person, you would like to hear why?? They became intimate a couple of months before leaving their spouses. In my (not me personally:-) experience, people don't have a two month affair and leave their spouses. Something was already wrong. Of course, without someone else to run to, one might stay and fight for a marriage, but I think you should ask her for an explanation. You do not need to condone it, just hold judgement until you've had time to digest this.

I have been in your shoes and I have strong feelings concerning infidelities so much so that I even have a hard time watching tv shows/movies that include them. However, I love my friend and have known her since before she was married and know this is not in her character. I know she loves her family/young kids and things must have been really bad if she felt that this was a choice. I have been by her side (by phone and email) for the last two years since she admitted her choice and I am so glad I made the choice I did. She lost SO many people she thought had unconditional love for her. She has had a rough two years to say the least but she is working h*** o* rebuilding. I am no saint, have many faults - too many, and I made the decision to not judge but love. Easier said than done, I know. But I'm glad that was/is my decision.