My Dad and His Lady Friend

You need to talk to her not ask us. She may be feeling a note of disapproval from all of you or feel ackward because she also knows you Mom. or or or

But we can't answer.

I don't understand why all the uncomfortable feelings and attitudes, you have known her for years, so be open and honest.

Since her odd behavior is simply being still and silent, it should be easier to ignore than if she was a loudmouth or a meddler.

If you can, try to find the humor in it. If you honestly and sincerely attempt to make her feel welcome and included and she still sits silently, then just pretend she is a decoration and proceed around her.

There's a lid for every pot. Let him be happy with his strange lady friend and be glad that this didn't happen when you were children and you didn't have to live with her. It could be worse, right? She obviously makes him happy or fulfills a need that he has, otherwise she wouldn't be there. It makes no sense that he won't acknowledge that they are an item, but perhaps that's her wish and something she is doing for her own motives.

Girl down here in Texas within minutes, we have asked so many questions, we would know all about her people, What she did for a living, where she grew up, all about her relationship with my father.. About her divorce.

You just get in there, by sitting next to her and just talk..

"I hate that you are sitting here all alone. Tell me what is your family doing today? Oh you have children? Where do they live? Do YOU have grandchildren too? " "What is Santa giving them for Christmas?"

"Did you make this cake? what is it called? I love the texture, do you enjoy baking?"

You get the idea..

My dad sounds a bit like yours.. for a while every time we saw him, he had a new lady friend with him.. Sometimes, the same one for a few years. usually he lived with them or would marry them.. Finally he just told me.." I enjoy these different ladies, but I have decided, I am never getting married again.."

FINALLY.. he grew up.. At about 62.. He went to AA and got his life together. Still had some really nice lady friends. Usually way younger than himself. One of our favorites, is actually younger than my younger sister.

This woman is now my stepmother. We love her so much. My father told me, "I have asked her to marry me, because I want to take care of her and make her happy.". I said, "Amen, you finally, understand!"

It all boils down to , have you done enough to get her to participate? If you have then, it is on her. and I would quit worrying about her being there. It may be that your father just likes her hanging around. Many men HATE being alone..

Even with their children there, they like having a woman close by..

Let Dad be happy with the odd bird...

Look at it this way, what if you were in "love" with someone your dad didn't like or feel comfortable with, would you want him asking you not to bring him around?
So she's weird. He's a grown man. Just enjoy the day with him and the rest of your family and ignore her. If she just sits and stares it sounds like she'll be easy enough to ignore anyway lol!

In my opinion it is our job to be 'civil' to our parents new friend even if we dont care for them. Be yourself. I'm sure you are a nice, respectful, considerate, kind, and compassionate person. If she's there when you get there say Hi Pat, how are you? Are you enjoying the holdiays? Something along those sorts. Just idle chit chat. At least you will know you have done your part in an attempt to make things a tad more comfortable.

No, you shouldn't say anything. Your dad doesn't think you are 10 and dumb, he thinks you are 33 and should know to be respectful and kind.

You're 33 with a family of your own. What does your dad have? Pat. He cares for her. Whatever relationship he chooses to have, be it romantic, friendship, or somewhere in between....it's not your business. All you need to do is be respectful and try to make the best of any interactions you have with her.

It doesn't matter if she's an odd duck or socially awkward. God made her and loves her, and your dad clearly cares for her too. Deal with it.

ETA: I know my tone is a bit gruff here. I'm sorry. I just think that you are being selfish about your dad's friend and need to be more considerate.

It doesn't sound like Pat has DONE anything to be cast out at Christmas, besides being awkward. Do you make an effort to talk to her? Is she shy? Introverted? Can she sense your disdain for her? There are many people that I don't particularly get a warm and fuzzy feeling about when I see them at family events, but who am I to say who gets to be invited to family parties that I am not hosting?

i get that you're not comfortable with her - but she's been around for 2 years now, i don't see how pretending she'll be gone soon is going to help anyone.

i think better to suck it up and be nice. attempt to draw her into the conversation. act happy to see her (i know, you're not). accept that she is a part of his life and she is here, at least for now. be respectful of HIM and his choices.

and separately, i would have a conversation with him. "it seems pat is uncomfortable when she is around us. do you know if there's any reason for that, any way we could make it easier?" also, i absolutely would call him on including her without telling you. "dad, you know i love you and want you to be happy. could you just let me know if you plan to bring pat? it's okay if you do, i just need a head count."

i understand your feelings. and you have a right to them.

but after 2 years i wonder if your dislike/distrust/discomfort with this person has just become ingrained. maybe if you make an effort you will find it makes things easier. good luck. i think acceptance of the situation is key for you. you love your dad, therefore, you make the best of it.

So you talk to the people you know and stare at her, she talks to the people she knows (no one really) and stares at you. Have you considered including her in your conversations? There is no rule she has to make the first move.

She probably knows you think she is odd, would you want to walk up to someone who thinks you are odd and talk to them?

I am 35 and have 3 kids..of which my Father met none of them.

I wish my Father was still here to spend the holidays with and if he was I wouldn't care one bit who he brought with him as long as he was there.

~My advice: Be thankful you still have your Father and be grateful for what time you have, regardless of who is sitting next to him just staring and listening! Wouldn't it be worse if she talked and interrupted your conversations? Sounds like you got the best of both worlds to me!

Not trying to be rude. Just honest....and I am sorry... I miss my Pops VERY much!

I think he sounds like a responsible grown man and shouldn't have to answer to anyone. If you tell him she cannot come, perhaps he won't either.

I can remember telling my mom a boyfriend was just a friend. I wasn't ready to tell her about the individual and it was probably a good thing, as they are no longer in my life.

I think you should enjoy your dad's company and let him bring his friend if he so chooses.

I know this is so awkward for you and your sisters, but think about it from her point of view. She sounds like an "odd duck" who may not be the best with social skills. On top of that, your Dad doesn't sound like he is too forthcoming either with the introductions/small talk, etc. It sounds like this woman is waiting to be introduced!

Without knowing any more than your post, I would guess that a) your dad is like all men over 50: it is almost physically impossible for them to be single, they must have someone there as a companion at all times; b) your Dad might be too shy, feel too guilty or not be too socially sophisticated himself but sounds like he never has introduced her to you all properly; c) she doesn't seem to have the (excellent) social skills required to overcome this situation, get into the middle of all your business, introduce herself since Dad doesn't, and make her way into the fray.

What to do about it? Just start talking to her and make an effort to introduce her around since your dad will likely never be able to do that. Even if it has been a few years that she has attended, this year sit by her, walk her around and introduce her as your dad's lady friend etc. Make them feel comfortable. Good luck!

Just my opinion, but if you don't want to be treated like you're 10, then don't act like it. When you get there, wish her a merry Christmas, chat with her, stay for a little bit and leave. Nothing says you all have to sit on the couch and stare at each other for 6 hours. I don't understand people who say they want to spend Christmas with just "family". I guess because I was raised by a single mom who invited all kinds of crazy people over that didnt' have anywhere else to go. Also, if you have set him up with other ladies and he likes to date and go out, then set him up again...with someone you like! Good luck!

Avasmom M, not all men over 50 physically need someone...blanket statements always have the end result of having something or someone that doesn't apply.
My Father is completely content to be single. He made a decision when he married my Mother that she was the only one for him, and when they divorced, he was content with single life. He is happy my Mother remarried and is happy. He decided that to be active in his children and grandchildren's lives, he needs to focus most of his time(the couple of women he did get set up on blind dates wanted him to ignore his children and pay attention only to them, so he said, "forget dating if it means no time with my children."). I have asked him over the years if he is ever lonely, and he told me that his family are all the company he needs.

To JT:

First off, you need to speak with your Father and let him know her silence upsets you, and that you will be nice and make small talk, but will leave if she ignores you, as it's upsetting you, and you do not wish to ruin a holiday by being upset in your presence. You then need to engage her in polite conversation. If she ignores you, your Father will either notice, or not. If she's gonna be there, she needs to be a bit more than furniture, in my opinion. Then leave as promised, making very polite excuses. It's flat out rude to ignore the family of the man you are with(even if it is platonic). She could be very shy, but how many years she has been around him and his family, she should talk to them even a little bit, right?

Agree or disagree, as always, it's...

Just my 2cp.

Meh he is enjoying his company. Leave him be. But nothing wrong with inviting him to lunch were ladies his age hang out. If she is off working and he happens to meet some new lady who knows. But you could say dad I still want you and Pat to come but for some reason I just feel uneasy around her. I'm sorry I feel that way and if she makes you happy thats all it counts. Love you cant wait to see you. but why dont you takek the time to really get to know her this time. As her questions etc. maybe she feels he hate from you and doenst want to talk and mess things up. Or shy.

I think Jo W and Christy Lee hit the nail on the head.

She may not be your ideal choice but guess what-you aren't dating her. Your dad is old enough to make his own decisions so why not try to bring her into the conversations and actually find something out about her-instead of holding your first impressions that she is odd.

JT, I know you might not like my advice, but with my best intentions at heart here goes:
Sounds to me like your father doesn't feel safe telling you he's has a relationship with this lady. I think that is because you just don't like her. I think its important that you take in the spirit of xmas and have a heart to heart talk with your dad and his lady. You know, maybe she doesn't feel comfortable talking because she feels certain animosity from y'all, or maybe she's just shy.
My advice is take this opportunity to be nice to Pat, try to make conversation, andmake her feel welcome; don't expect her to be nice back, do it, because you love your dad, and want to make him feel that even if you do not agree with his choice, you support and love him no matter what, and who knows? perhaps she will feel more open into coming out of her shell. For what you describe, I think your dad feels happy right now, don't you think that's important?
Also remember, that while you love your dad very much, it is his love life at the end of the day, and the decision to marry her will be his. And your role is to love and support him as much as you can.
If you definitely think that you cannot be near this woman, and are not willing to try and embrace her, it's not an obligation, its a choice, and it's valid too, then don't make it uncomfortable for yourself and your dad, and pat, and spend the day somewhere else.
The point is you and your dad deserve an awesome Christmas. Do what you have to do, to make sure you'll have the best time, no drama, and no stress.

Why don't you just ask this woman in front of everyone to please talk to you all? Tell her you'd like to hear something about herself. Be pleasant, but go ahead and approach the elephant in the living room. It's ridiculous for her to be there with your dad and say absolutely nothing.

It sounds like she won't call off the engagement, so you need to work it out in your head that she may be his next wife. But that doesn't mean that you have to actually sit there and accept her just staring at you without you actually making an effort to get her to speak...

Dawn

He sounds kind of guilty or responsible for her. I still think you are just going to shrug it off and go with it.

Of course, if you had a good relationship with your dad growing up, you could ask him like would have your boyfriends "what are your intentions?"

I'm on the same page with most of the rest - you need to either talk to your dad or talk to his lady friend and let them know just how uncomfortable the situation makes you when she sits and stares. I will be very blunt and say to you that you should not be selfish and say that you just want it to be your family. I don't know you or anyone involved, so I don't know if you've ever brought a friend, your husband (prior to him being your husband), or anyone to a holiday - but I'm wondering if your dad ever turned any of them away (regardless of wether they were talkative or not)? And even so, I think holidays are for families, but also goodwill, peace, and kindness. No, its not your ideal holiday - but let it go, approach her or have your dad approach her, and just try to have the best holiday you can.