My Child Doesn't Want to Leave Daycare

I have been where you are. My daughter did the same thing at one and it wasn't until she was 16 months that it subsided. The only thing that helped was reminding myself at least she was happy there. What broke the cycle was summer vacation after having me for a week straight it stopped she started running to me when I got there and now at almost two there are days she doesn't want to leave us so it should change. But if you have the time to even take a three day weekend it might help. Try to hang in there it is tough but the phase will end and it is rewarding when it does. Now its mommy and running to give me hugs when I get there.

I watch my 2 year old niece and she has a full blown out screaming top of the lungs kind till they pull out of my neighborhood and she can't see me anymore!

Hi E., here's a suggestion for you. First off let yourself off the hook. Life has not provided you with a means to be able to stay home, but has blessed you with a job and a wonderful child care provider. See it for what it is and try not to have any regrets. Many mom's experience guilt at having to work, but let's face it you don't have a choice. First I will say be happy that you have a good provider and that your child doesn't want to leave. That shows that she is happy and well cared for. Second, instead of rushing to pick her up, I know your excited to see her, assess the room. Is she playing when you pick her up? It may be that your daughter has issues with transitions and the mere fact that you are rushing to pick her up doesn't give her the time to make the adjustment. Instead settle down with her, have a conversation with your provider, before taking your daughter. That may help a little. Your provider is correct that it's just a phase and there will be many more of these type phases as she gets older. The key is how are you going to respond to them. It gets a lot worse when they become teenagers. So look at this opportunity as a way to develop the parental tough skin. I am a child care provider myself and experience this regularly.

I think it would help tremendously if you could visit your daughter at lunch and spend some time with her just playing at the daycare or going outside with her for a walk. I used to spend my lunch hour at the daycare every day and we all loved it (even the daycare provider who got a little break and a chance to talk to another adult for a while). Also, instead of dragging her away from FunLand to get strapped into the carseat (anti-FunLand), try going outside and playing or going for a walk and having a snack first. She may just be associating you with the dreariness of the going home routine.

I did day care for ten years as my children were growing up. This happens all the time. You have to remember that your child is spending most the day with the provider she is like a second mom. Be happy your child is happy.
It will pass! You are the mom and your little one loves you. I know your busy when you get home from work, but try and spend fun time with your child. Even an hour when you get home will give her something to look forward to and want to leave with you without the fit. Have you considered being a day care provider?

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My sister came to my house for four years to watch my kids. My second was only 13 months when she started, and my youngest was with her from the time he was born until he was 3. There were days when he would cry because she left, or tell me to go back to work. It's totally a stage and a phase...or they could just have amazing days and don't want to go back to their routine. It will be okay, because she knows you are mommy and she will get back to being herself shortly - it really does not last too long. Hang in there!

My son went through these phases. At first he'd cry when I left him. Then he'd cry when I picked him up. And sometimes he'd do both on the same day. Transitions can be rough on the kids and their parents. At the end of the day, it helps to have something to look forward to. A snack is good. With my son, once a week on Wednesdays after picking up at day care we'd go to the food court at the mall and have a Curly Fries date. After snack we'd walk the mall or I'd let him play in the childrens play area. It got to the point where he'd be asking me if it was Wednesday yet. We out grew our Curly Fries date eventually, but it was lots of fun and we'd talk about what he did during the day.

You have gotten lots of good suggestions and support, but I have one more thing to add. My daughter did this to me many times over the years and the first time she did her day care provider said - "she's so glad to see you! She's had a rough day and now she feels safe enough to fall apart!" My daughter - who's now 18 - still does this to some extent - she makes it through something rough, but holds it together long enough to get home and then she falls apart (there were early teenage years where she'd pick a fight about something with me, when it really wasn't about me - same thing - safe place to be mad)

Don't worry. You are always going to be number one in your little girl's heart. I think when children act that way when their parents come to pick them up, it is not that they would rather stay with their daycare provider than go home with you, but it is their way of showing you that they are a little bit mad at you for being away from them! I'm sure it will pass soon like most toddler phases do. It seems unbearable and as if it will never end at the time, and then suddenly you realize that it has passed.
Hang in there. Being a parent is heart work!
L. P
www.YouCanWorkFromYourHome.com

please please PLEASE don't judge yourself over this! it has NOTHING to do with levels of love for you and EVERYTHING to do with the in-the-moment world that tinies live in! while she's screaming and crying and you're feeling awful you must remind yourself over and over that it's the transition, it is NOT YOU! i have a very clear memory of doing this to my own mother when i was probably no more than 2, and it was all about sorrow (and to a tiny that sorrow is very real!) over leaving my little friend and the fun game we were playing. my kids did it to me from time to time too. i know how heart-wrenching it is, but you just can't attribute adult reactions to very tiny people.
congrats on having such a wonderful daycare provider.
be gentle with yourself.
khairete
S.

Although this may break your heart, think about how you would feel if she did this to YOU every time you left her in the morning...clinging to you, crying, etc. Maybe you feel that you would feel more 'important' if she did that, but trust me, you DO NOT want that! My daughter loved going to daycare and didn't want to leave when she was that age. Then around the age of 2, she never wanted to go! She would cry and scream and cling to me and they'd have to pry her off me! I'd even call ten minutes later and they'd tell me as soon as I was out the door, she was fine! So think about the alternative!

That being said, I like the idea of having a snack! Or maybe talk to the provider and maybe just observe her playing there for 10 minutes instead of scooping her up and leaving. Give her a 10 and 5 minute warning - and even though she may not fully understand that now, she will soon. I think having something fun planned a few times a week - even if it's 20 minutes at the park on the way home, a walk after dinner, blowing bubbles when you get home or ice cream on your way home, it's just something 'fun' because she is leaving 'funland.'

My words of wisdom would be to just take this in stride and be happy that she has a place she LOVES to go! Express to her provider how you are jealous but are SO thankful for her.

My 19 mo old went through the same thing pretty much every day as soon as she became mobile and interesting in playing. This lasted for quite a few months and I just had to get used to it. I put a positive spin on it by taking it as a sign that she was well taken care of while I was gone. I found that it helped if I asked her if she wanted to go see her daddy and our dog. That would usually perk her up and help stop the flow of tears.

Please don't take this out on yourself for making the decisions you have for your family - I honestly believe it's a phase she's going through. Both of our kids are in day care. Our son didn't start until he was 2 (he had a babysitter come to the house the first 2 years) and our daughter's been in since she was 9 weeks old.

I don't get to pick them up any more - when I was laid off and accepted a less flexible job (because we needed me to financially), I lost the ability to pick them up and drop off. I could still do it, but they'd be in day care an hour longer/day, and I really don't think that's fair to them.

So, I don't get to see them playing and to talk to their teachers.

One thing I did last summer (when laid off and looking for a new job) was to have a snack waiting in the car when I got them. They were so excited (daughter was 15 months, son was just 3) to see what I brought. Or, I'd promise we'd do something fun like going to to the park, going on a walk, going to the pool when we returned home which made it more exciting to leave the wonderful world of day care.

I knew I wasn't supposed to be a SAHM, and I don't have regrets for the decisions I've made. I love my kids as much as any mom, and I believe they're thriving in the environment they're in.

I hope you can find peace in the circumstances and that this phase will quickly pass.

My son is AWFUL when it comes to transition times. When he was 1 he would start crying when he got dropped off, and then again when he got picked up from his daycare provider. It came and went in phases. Now he is 2.5 and he STILL cries about not wanting to go to "RoRo's house" or not wanting to get in the car to come back home.
Don't take it personally, it has nothing to do with her preference to be with the day care provider rather than you. Trust me!! Your daughter sounds like she has a classic case of not being able to transition well.

Now I have started giving my son "warnings" that we would be doing something different in a few minutes. I'd say "OK, in 5 minutes, we're going to leave. Let's get ready." then I'd remind him "we're going to go soon, so it's time to put your book away" etc.
I know this doesn't work as well at the young age of your daughter. but go a little slower when you pick her up from day care, if you can. Don't be in a rush to get to the car and get home. Maybe spend a few minutes with her at the day care and get her used to being with you again. Then slowly make your way to the door. Make leaving fun by teaching her how to wave goodbye, blow kisses, etc.
good luck! and remember - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

It's not YOU Mom! And it's not the provider either. It's her difficulty in transitioning from one thing to another. If she were miserable all day and you came to "rescue" her, she'd still experience the stress of switching gears. We all do, but as we mature we've developed better coping skills when it happens. It's a combination of maturity and skill. Maybe you could talk to the provider about helping with the transition. She knows when you arrive, so maybe she can say something like, "Ok, MaryJane, your mom'll be here soon, so let's start cleaning up your area and we'll get you a book to look at until she comes." Sometimes a quiet activity will settle her down and let her not stress so much about the transition. You could also just stay for a little while (which you have probably already tried, I'm sure) then give her, "Ok, 5 more minutes and we need to go make dinner for Daddy," or whatever. I always like to say, "Do you want to come back tomorrow?" and when she says, "Yes," I reply, "Well, we can't come back if we don't leave." At least it gets a smile from the provider as you drag her kicking and screaming to the car! Good luck!

i have fought my 3 1/2 year old for about two years with separation anxiety at dropoff. he acts as though our wonderful, caring, christian, sweet daycare provider is just the worst person in the world. it has broken my heart on more than one occasion. i know that it's just a phase (the longest phase of any we've had to go through!) but don't regret doing what you have to do for your family (staying at home would likely make this problem worse, not better). yes, it IS a phase, and yes, it might take awhile. but also, like you said, you should be grateful it's not the opposite problem. imagine having to leave her somewhere (knowing full well there's not a thing wrong with the daycare provider) and having her scream and cling to you every day? (okay it's not EVERY day but most of them!) try coming in with a big smile, then when she starts acting out, just tickling the snot out of her. at least she'll be laughing. consider maybe taking her to the park or somewhere before home. my son (after his meltdown about not wanting to stay at the sitter's) consistently insists that he doesn't want to go home, EVERY afternoon. sometimes i just tell him, "tough luck baby, that's where we're going." sometimes i try to spice things up with errands. but bottom line, just give her extra love and patience right now. sounds like she's still transitioning. the longer a child has been at home with mom, the harder it will be to make the transition. and last of all - don't take it personally!

Hello,
My son actually doesn't want to leave daycare as well. He is 18months. He hasn't cried yet but he does one of two things, he either runs completely away (and I mean run) when I show up to daycare and totally ignores me or he will run to me and smile and then run away. I will sometimes even walk out the door and say see ya, mom's going bye bye and he says see ya and waves!

When I first saw this I was heartbroken, just as I was the day I kissed him to drop him off to daycare and he excitedly waved byeeeee! I've found the days he doesn't want to leave daycare (4 out of 5) he will be a wreck during the ride home and the rest of the evening - till bedtime.

I know this didn't really help but I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one. Hopefully this will lighten your worries. Good luck and let me know the outcome.