I Need Some help...because I Don't Understand My Toddler :(

Something similar used to happen to me with my son when he was around 1-1 1/2 years old. He used to cry when I picked him up from the babysitter because he didnt want to leave he wanted to stay at her house. To me it was a sign that he loved it there and that she took very good care of him. It even got to the point where the sitter had to take him to the car for me cause he didnt want to go with me. Maybe thats whats happening to her. Maybe she likes it there so much she doesnt want to leave. But dont feel bad atleast you know shes in good hands and eventually it will go away.

I just wanted to add another way to find out what is going on -- with my boys, I would play "school" with them. I would let each of them be the teacher and I, their brother, and some of the other stuffed animals are the students. First I would behave and get them into the playing, then I would misbehave. I would play with the other "students", not listen, poke/interupt the teacher, whatever I could think off that was disruptive. Then see what how my child would "scold" me. They usually will do it the same way that their teacher does, then you can see do they scream, yell, hit, put you in time out? It's amazing what you find out...hope this helps.

I use to run an in home daycare and have worked in a few childcare centers. I have seen children act like that on a daily bases. I have seen children hit their mother's when they picked them up from daycare. This type of behavior I have seen from ages 2 through schoolagers. They could have a great day take a good nap but when they are playing and mom comes in to pick them up their whole attitude changes. Not all of the children did this just some of the ones who were only children. I had a two yr old who would have a great day and as soon as she seen mom walk through the door she would start balling her eye out. Her mom would get so bent out of shape and start asking questions like what is wrong, did something happen to you, did somebody do something to you? I would tell her she was fine right before you came in. I suggested to mom before she came in the classroom to peek through the window so one day she did it and seen that her daughter was just as happy and playing and as soon as she came in to pick her up she started crying and hitting the other kids when they would come near her. She is in a new daycare now and she did the same thing but now she is 4 and she doesn't do it now when mom picks her up. Just sit back and watch don't jump to conclusions. If it keeps happening then you need to start asking questions.

Hi D., I've been a Mommy for almost 18 yrs, have 4 children of my own and have over the yrs babysat for many.. my first thought is go with your gut.. if you feel like you have found a really good sitter, you probably have. In any situation that you are leaving your child with any sitter, you should keep your eyes open, unexpected visits are the best way to make sure your child is being well cared for.. now with that said.. if it were me I would sit down and talk to your sitter.. ask her to prepare your daughter that the end of the day is coming,.. at this age you have to transition children from one activity to the other. I'm sure in the mornings you talk to her and say we gotta get ready to go to your sitter.. blah blah blah.. you dont just throw her in the car and drop her off without saying something to her so she cant be expected to go back to you with out a transition.. your sitter can easily work it into her day. I have a 2 and 4 yr old that I have to do the same thing with when Daddy comes home.. if I forget or the day goes by so fast I dont have a chance.. when my husband walks in.. they are sometimes not so happy to see him.. they yell and run the other way.. and forget kisses, if he tries to console them, they get mad and swat at him, once he has been here awhile they are all over him.... I see the pain on his face which is the reason I try not to let that happen.. I call it Mommy/Daddyidious.... its not that she doesn't miss you, its just that sudden change is hard for children to process... a little preparation goes a long way!! Good luck and God Bless you and your precious little one!!!

Hi D.,

Sorry I feel your pain, there is nothing worse than been delighted to see your child after missing them all day and they are like this. Its not quite the same but my husband and I have always noticed that my son acts up when I get home in the evening. Not in the same way but his father picks him up from school and he has a few hours with him that are fine. But once I get home he usually mis-behaves. I thinks its their way of telling you that they miss you, strange as it may seem. If it was something wrong at the baby sitters then I think you would have the problem when you were dropping her off not when you were picking her up. Is she having her nap OK? Is she having an afternoon snack, just wondering if she is tired or hungry. I would re-assure her that you love her and miss her and plan some fun things for the evening, ice cream treat, 30 mins at the park, let her help with dinner, something for her to look forward to spending time with you and take her mind of the fact she has missed you. She may also be copying a behavior she has seen, does the other little girl do this perhaps? Its always wise to be precautious but I've learned with children that things are not often as they appear. Have you asked the baby sitter about it? Best of luck, I hope you figure it out.

Jo xxx

Honestly I would find another sitter.....

I also have a 3 yr old and if I see him unhappy; I keep my eyes wide open.

New sitter might be ignoring her and not providing adequate interaction. At her age children need different activities and interaction. Even if sitter is nice that doesnt mean you daughter might be bored at sitter. Try to find a pre-school which will provide her with learning and developmental activities. Sitting all day doing nothing or just watching tV is not proper care.

As sitter what they did all day, how did she react etc etc.

Hope this helps, I know how challenging it can be to bring a chil up and work full time as well...

Sounds like nothing is wrong with the sitter. She's mad at you for leaving her. Try different,special ways of transitioning her to the sitter's and promise big surprises when you return. All children let out their frustration just for their moms. She's been bottling it inside all day and then she blows when she sees you. I give you kudos for trying to understand her instead of controlling her. Look her in the eye and let her know that you are trying to be there for her and help her express what she is "feeling".

I see you have a very wide range of answers here, but my two cents is that I totally agree with Amy A. and Kmcdoc. Something is just not right in my opinion. I would try and see if you could get it out of her some way and if not try changing providers to see if there is a change. When my son started to go to childcare, his behavior went thru some changes as well but not quite the same. We determined that it was his adjusting to a new schedule, probably not getting as much nap time as he had at home and I also don't think he really liked the food there at first. So as soon as I picked him up he has both hungry and tired and therefore would act up a bit. But nothing like it sounds your daughter is doing. I really hope you can get to the bottom of it soon because your daughters demeanor, well being, growth and respect for Mom is most important here and I think there is a reason this is happening, it is just getting to the bottom of it that will be hard. But I honestly would start with questioning or somehow getting more info on this sitter. I am very careful who I let be around and care for my son as it is my relationship with him and his happiness that is way more important than my relationship with anyone else. Good Luck!

Your child is angry that you leave her and then has to adapt to the caretaker. She thinks you are gone forever and then you show up. Instead of being so happy to see you, she is confused that you have been away for so long, leaving her abandoned. It's normal; and unfortunately, we ALL have these issues...but she is little and cannot process this separation anxiety - you may also be stressed that you leave her to go to a job. Can you take her to work once in a while to show where you are, so she has the idea that you still exist in her world? It's stressful, dear. You are doing your best; and I wish you the best.

Hi, D.. Well, I don't know what other advice you got. Here are my thoughts.

First, what time are you picking up your daughter? If she is tired and hungry, that might be a reason why she always acts upset. Maybe you can see if the babysitter can give her a healthy snack before you pick her up. If that isn't possible, maybe you can greet her with a smoothie or an oatmeal cookie without too much sugar.

Also, since she's having a good time playing, she doesn't like to be interrupted. Even though she loves you and wants to be with you, she is forced to separate from her friends, the other child and the babysitter. If it's possible, maybe you can find a way for the three of you to spend a few minutes together before taking your daughter home; that way, she doesn't have to just get up and go home. Maybe a few minutes to make a transition between playing all day and going home to get ready for bed, will be a help to her.

Sometimes, kids really get angry with their parents when their relationship has no fun, no play, in it. She knows that it's all fun and play at the babysitter's, but Mom is all business (cooking dinner, going to bed). We find this in situations where a mom and dad are divorced; mom has to do all the hard, everyday business things like cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, disciplining, but dad gets to be the fun parent and play with the kids all weekend. Kids will naturally want to be with the "fun" parent and get angry with the "business" parent. In order to balance the situation, the parents have to make time for both fun and business with the kids.

In your case, your daughter might also be angry because, even though she likes being at the babysitter's house, you are gone all day. She misses you and doesn't understand why you have to go to work. And she's not going to be able to understand, at her age. Again, I think it's really important to fix that problem by making sure you give her enough fun attention when you are with your daughter. Give her something to look forward to when Mommy comes to pick her up.

I hope everything turns out just fine, and that this phase of your daughter's life passes soon.

Peace,
Syl

I am concerned that your daughter can't communicate what's going on at the sitter. Isn't she old enough to tell you if there's a problem?

She certainly sounds frustrated and angry. If she was particularly close with her previous caregiver, perhaps she's having "moving pains." I would be very concerned about this behavior, though. Is her behavior during the day like this, or is it just at pick up and drop off? Is she not getting enough rest during the day? Does she need an afternoon snack or something?

You need to talk to her. Get her to tell you how she's feeling, and make sure that nothing strange is going on during the day. This may not be a good fit for her, so you may need to try a different provider.

She's telling you something - you need to listen.

Best,
A. @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

I would say there is nothing wrong with the sitter and that the sitter is intact doing a good job. Sounds like your daughter is having so much fun that she just does not want to leave. Not with you, not with anyone.
When you pick her up tell her that you understand she does not want to leave, afterall , she is just as fustrated that you don't understand her as you are with her. After she feels you understand her-that she does not want to leave- you can tell her about the next big activity.
For instance: say, "I know you don't want to leave it's fun here! But whenwe leave we are going to swing at the park before dinner"
also, when you drop her off in the morning that you will be back to pick her up in the evening and tell her right then that you expect her to behave when you pick her up

I think it is probably that she doesn't want to leave because she is having a good time being out of the house and playing with a friend. My daughter is very outgoing as well and she gets upset when she has to leave playing with a friend. If you think that is it then you just need to reassure her that although she has to come home and spend time with her family and then go to bed that she will get to come back and play with her friend the next day.

My three yearold daughter did the same thing when I brought her to my friends home to be watched when ever her regular daycare provider was on vacation or couldn't watch her. She'd say go back to work and cry or say no momma when I arrived. It's because she liked the other kids and my friend and was having so much fun. What worked? I said ok you can come back again, but you make mommy sad when you say those things. Also call the provider before you get there so she can help her transition.

Something is terribly wrong with the new babysitter, and you need to get her out of there- do you believe the references or what your daughter is trying to tell you?

Check out YokaReader.com

And believe you daughter- get her out of there,k

1. She likes it where she is and you come to take her away.
2. She's tired.
Close to your arrival, the babysitter can tell her you will be picking her up in a while so she gets used to the idea and not be so upset when you get there.

my youngest acted that way when he was litle and i left him with this one baby sitter. i found out later apparently whe would put them in a playpen 3 of them all togetehr after i left and that is just not enough space for them to get all their energy out all day. anyway i changed sitters. he would cry kick and scream everytime he had to go to that one, once i changed he was fine. good luck.

My daughter has always gone to the same daycare since 5 months old, it's a private daycare 4-5 children and she loves it there. When she was around 13-14mos old, one day I walked in to pick her up and she burst into tears crying, she didn't want to leave. This went on for about 2 months, every time I walked in she would lay on the floor and have a fit! It became routine, I would tell her I had a little suprise in the car, maybe a new book, or a snack(we never eat in the car so that was special)she was easily coaxed. But I was heart broken and couldn't understand why she wasn't happy to see me. But then I figured out she was having so much fun there, and at home it's just her and I(boring!LOL) but just so you know, it was a phase that lasted only a couple of months, and now at 22 months, she runs to me and is very happy to see me, what a difference! So, trust your instinct, you feel good about the babysitter, I'm sure it's just a phase!
ps, you can ask the sitter if the other child it hitting, she may be seeing this and think it's ok. A good book is "The Happiest Toddler On The Block", it talks about how to show toddlers how to vent frustation by either stomping their feet or clapping their hands and letting out a "growl" when they are mad(works for mommies too), it sounds funny, but it works! it's much better than hitting! The book has a lot of good(and silly) tips on understanding your toddler that really work! Good luck!

I think she's just having fun and is having difficulty transitioning to going home from her daycare.

Maybe if you show up and give her 5 minutes to say goodbye to her friend, babysitter, toys and remind her of the fun, nice things you are going to be doing at home, that might help.

Maybe having something fun for her to do in the car on the ride home that she looks forward to-- even eating a little snack or something or having a juice box might work.

I don't think there's any problem. In fact, I think this childcare arrangement is working out so well that your daughter is just happy to be there and doesn't want to leave. :)

If your child likes going to the sitter then maybe you need to look in a different direction. She is 3 so she may just have a hard time with the transition from sitter time, to mommy time. Try having your sitter give her several time warnings that you will be coming to pick her up soon. Maybe even give her a call and tell her I'll be there in 5 minutes. And also make sure she understands that hitting is NOT acceptable even when she is mad. I had a small home day care and my friend would drop off her son fine and he'd get picked up by her and treat her horribly. But there were no clear consistant consequences from her either. One day she'd pick him up and put him in the car anyway and one day she'd sit him in time out until he was ready to comply, some days she'd shrug and let it go. Whatever you choose to do do it consistantly every day so she knows what to expect.

I don't necessarily think that your daughter is being mistreated, but I would try to get her to talk about it without guiding her answers out. Maybe she can draw a picture. Then have her explain what she drew. Most likely she is just being pulled between wanting to go home with you and wanting to stay and have fun with her new friends, so she takes it out on you. But who knows maybe something is wrong. Kids are so funny. Whatever the problem she needs to express it.

Hi D., It took my son 3 months to adjust to his new day care and was not very nice to me in the process. I cried every week thinking I had done the wrong thing. He seemed to hate me for it, even though they said he was having fun and enjoying himself during the day, He would even tell me he wanted another Mommy. Finally he settled in and forgot his old school and that was that. I would start by acknowledging her anger. "You seem so angry at Mommy. Can you tell me why?" See if you can get her to define it. If for nothing else it will be a good lesson for her for defining and owning her emotions. Also I would make sure that you reiterate EVERY time, no matter how angry she is or why she is angry, she has no right to hit you or anybody else. Give her the out to say if she doesnt want to speak to you that is OK, but she cannot hit. Dont worry, it will blow over soon, I'm sure.

Hi D.,

Sounds like she just has seperation anxiety from you, as long as you know these people are wonderful. She is taking out her anger on you. There are wonderful Bach flower remedies and natural homeopathic remedies for seperation anxiety. check them out on the web. Good luck.

not to say anything about the sitter at all bc obviously i don't know her. i will say i used to work in a daycare and the lady who owned it was seriously burned out with kids and she would act all loving and coo all over the kids but as soon as they were gone she would start yelling and she would occasionally hit the kids. needless to say i quit. but as i said this might not be the reason your child is doing this. is it only when you pick her up or is it when you drop her off, too? maybe she is having a lot of fun and doesn't want to go home, but since she is 3 can't quite communicate that with you?