My 2 1/2 Year Old Is Out of Control

I have a daughter who is now four. She started what you're describing at about the same age. We tend to cycle through this kind of behavior from time to time. She'll go through a period of testing us & then when she realizes it's not working for her, she cools it for awhile. But it does seem to be something I have to address every few months. To give you hope, though, the tantrum phases are getting fewer & farther between as she gets older. As far as dealing with it goes, these are some things that have worked for me 1)consistency - you've already talked about doing that - I agree that it's crucial 2)never give in to the tantrum - it only teaches them that throwing a tantrum works 3)as much as possible - ignore the tantrum & remain calm. I know it's hard, but if you can not let on to her that it's getting to you, it sends the message that the tantrum isn't getting her anywhere. 4) acknowledge what it is she wants. If she wants chocolate right before dinner, for instance, and you say no & she throws a tantrum, say, "you really want chocolate, don't you" or "you're really sad, aren't you" or "I don't blame you - I'd be sad, too." Sometimes, kids just want to be heard. 5)Sometimes if the tantrum is going on forever and I just can't ignore it anymore, I will tell my daughter that I understand that she is sad & I don't blame her, but if she needs to cry some more, she can go cry in her room & when she is ready to stop crying and be happy, I would love to have her come out & play with me. Then I send her to her room & I don't let her come out until she's happy. If she tries, I just say, "I don't see your happy face, you'll have to go back in your room until you find it," and then I escort her back to her room, if necessary. That gives us both a minute to decompress. Good luck to you! I know it's hard. It will pass. Keep your chin up & feel free to contact me if I can help in any way.

That is a hard age... a certain amount of bad behavior is normal. I definitely agree with time-outs. Supernanny seems to have a way with dealing with kids. You can get helpful hints on a variety of parenting subjects at supernanny.com. Time-outs don't work for every child. If you have tried time-outs without success, here are couple more ideas:

1) If she has a favorite toy or stuffed animal or activity, let her know that she will lose it for a while if she misbehaves (define the behavior for her: yelling, screaming, whining, etc. and the consequence of misbehaving... ). My daughter's favorite stuffed animal which she carries all over the place is named Annie. Sometimes I say something like, "Annie told me that she doesn't want to be around you when you scream at or hit other people, so we need to let Annie be alone for a while until you can be nicer to the people around you... I'm so sorry, I hope you will behave better so Annie can be with you."

2) Special rewards. What does she like, stories? games? a special treat? Tell her that for every 2 hours she goes without a tantrum, she can choose a special reward (you could make a poster board with pictures of the rewards attached with velcro or tape... so she doesn't get multiple treats... each time it's a different reward). Make a big deal of her good behavior and the reward (for example, "I'm so excited that you went 2 whole hours without a tantrum, I'm so glad we can play a game together... you deserve it, you are working so hard to be good by not yelling, and whining...

Also, maybe you could find someone in your neighborhood or church that has a child her age, you could trade play time, or all go to the park together so that at least you get a break sometimes... or a sister or a friend you can trade favors with. My kids seem to play better when we have friends over... so I really like play trades.

Good luck, having more than one young child to care for is very trying, believe it or not, if you are doing your best, you will be able to look back in a few years and see how you have been strengthened by these trying times! T. : )

Tantrums can really take a toll on you and your child...especially when your husband isn't around much to help out. I've been there (I have three (6, 4, 1)and it will end. It sounds like she's going through a lot too. My four year old daughter is a lot like your daughter. She still throws these knock down, drag out tantrums a couple of times a week, but it's gotten so much better and I can usually pinpoint why she's throwing a tantrum (too tired or too hungry usually). I usually put her in her room so she can calm down and so can I. I get so frustrated with her and there is no use in trying to talk to her when she's so upset. Try finding a safe place for her to finish her tantrum and calm.

Other suggestions that might work are ignoring her when she's having a tantrum or spending more one on one time with her. It may mean finding a sitter for an hour to watch your son, but maybe that's what she needs! I found that my daughter's tantrums dramatically decreased when I made it a point to have some "girl" time with her.

Finally, it sounds like you are stressed out and overwhelmed. You need to take care of yourself too. Are you getting any "quiet time?" Make sure your husband knows how you are feeling. If you have any other family around maybe you can have them watch the kids for an hour or two while you get a break. I wish you all the best of luck.

Tantrums are a very normal part of this age. The good news is that they often accompany a 'brain-spurt' - the brain is growing and developing so fast that it doesn't know how to cope with things. My kids all went through this too.
Try to ID the precursers to a tantrum. Is she hungry, tired, or overstimulated? Is she frustrated because she is trying to tell you something and can't find the right words? Does she know what to expect when you go to the store? Then think of some solutions to head it off -- keep snacks with you when you go out, help her use words (and use words yourself to identify how you and she feel), tell her before hand what to expect (I always told my kids when we got to the store: you must sit in the cart, we are not buying any toys today, etc)
Finally when she does melt down, calmly put her in her room and tell her she can come out when she's calm - put her in control of that. Then, you go somewhere that will help you calm down.

I completely understand!Both of my kids are or were like that. The book 'The New Strongwilled Child' has been a great help for me. Also what helped was teaching them sign language. My second daughter had a really hard time telling me her feelings or communicating what she wanted. Once I taught her sign language it helped break that communication bearier. Other times I just put them in their rooms and put myself in a time-out with my favorite snack. Another thing that may help is giving her a babydoll that she can feed, change, bath, etc. while you do the same with the baby or let her help with the baby like handing you the wipes or diaper, let her hold the babies bottle etc... Including her helps give her the extra attention she is looking for it also makes her feel like a big girl.
Good Luck to you!
B.

Hi Brooke,
I can really relate to your situation. My third child, a boy used to throw tantrums, yell, scream, throw himself to the floor and cry until he was purple. It scared me a couple of times. Then one day I decided that I was going to totally ignore his behaviour. I walked right over him and I started humming a song and just went about my chores and I could tell he was watching me. He was still screaming but he was watching me not react in any way. He stopped when he realized I wasn't paying any attention to him. The very next time he tried a tantrum. I walked through the house calling for him. I walked passed him a few times, never made eye contact and just called for him. He said I'm here mom and I looked at him and said really? I don't think you are my Cory, my Cory doesn't act that way and I kept walking aroung the house calling for him. He calmed down, came over to me and said Hi mom, you looking for me and I then said oh there is my sweet boy. He never threw a tantrum after that. I don't know if it'll work for you but it sure did for me.

Time outs...she's old enough. You just need to make sure that Dad is on the same page so there's consistency when he's around as well.

First, give her a warning. Get down on her level and tell her that this behavior is not acceptable and if she continues she will go in time out.

Then, if she does continue, put her in a special spot (a stair, or tape on the floor, or a block...somewhere easily designated) and set the timer for 2 minutes ( 1 minute for each year of age) and then walk away.

If she moves before her time is up, don't say anything to her (she wants you to) just put her back in her spot and reset the timer and carry on. I once had it take 45 minutes with a 12 year old I was babysitting. He had been swearing at and slapping one of the toddlers. I put him in timeout for 12 minutes. Forty-five minutes later he finally got out of time out. He never acted up again. In fact, he became my helper each time I babysat after that. He knew I meant business, and so did the other kids from his example.

Continue putting her back in her place until she stays for the duration of her time out. This could take a while the first few times until she understands that you're serious. So, be prepared for a few really rough days...ask for some help until you get it down.

Once her time is up, get down on her level again (eye to eye) and tell her why she was being punished. Tell her you love her very much, ask her to apologize and give hugs and kisses.

Good Luck!

Is she getting her 2 year molars? If she is, treat her for teething.

Aside from that, give her a time out. Her behavior is inappropriate. She needs to learn what's OK and what isn't. Make sure you give her a big hug when the timeout is over.