Mother in Law Help!

My MIL is quite similar. She can be needy (although she means well) and is threatened by husband's (and consequently my) independence. My BIL is 37, not married, and she still does a ton of things for him. Anywho, I digress. I have found that I appease her like you do (updates/photos/etc.) but let my husband deal with the disagreements. It's tough because we have a completely different relationship with my parents (who know when to step off, have social outlets, both volunteer, have hobbies, etc.). The meddling bothers me, but I have learned to take it for what it is.

When your m.i.l. compares her kids, tell her that you would appreciate her not doing that to you or your husband. No children are 100% alike and shouldn't be. Ask her, "shouldn't we try to bring up our children to be independant so they can be strong enough to move on their own and take care of their own families"? If she doesn't agree, she's not worth being around. Your child however needs to talk to and occasionally see his grandparents. He'll form his own opinions about them on his own, don't influence him by letting him hear you and your spouse speaking of them. By the way, your spouse should call his parents at least ONCE a week. That's not asking too much from the boy they raised. He needs to learn the same way to treat them as you. Remember, you will always have the final saying about your child. They don't need to know. Just tell them "thanks for the advice" and raise your kids your way.

"My request to other moms would be how can I work on improving this relationship even though I have been treated very unkindly? My instinct is to withdraw from them but I think that by withdrawing things are only getting worse."

I do not know what to tell you. I am in a VERY BAD situation with my in-laws as well and when someone treats you badly it really sets the tone for every visit/encounter. Which is unfortunate.

I do have advice on the "withdrawing" idea. DO NOT DO THIS. Because you are right, things only get worse. In my situation, I withdrew myself but "allowed" them to still see my kids on occasion, they too live out of state. In turn, they see NOTHING wrong with what they have done, what they have said and how they have treated me.

Unfortunately you NEED to stand up for yourself, your hubbie and your son. You and your husband need to be on the same page.

I don't know what else to say, except it sucks, and I know first hand. I hope things get better for you.

My opinion--which is obviously JUST an opinion--is that these are two different situations. The first: you and your husband's relationship with your in-laws. The second: your in-laws involvement in decisions regarding your son. I have a very similar situation with my in-laws...they want to be involved in EVERYTHING.
You can train people to respect your boundaries without a big confrontation. The way I do it with my in-laws (both the parents and all of the aunts/uncles who are very opinionated...) is to give them a "time out" or change the subject abruptly so it is obvious that I am avoiding the discussion. ("The baby should eat more veggies" my response: "I need to eat them too. I have been trying to lose some weight..." then ramble on about that) The "time out" often happens when we let one of the family members watch him and they deliberately ignore my Mommy Rules...I do not let them watch the baby for a while. When my mother-in-law gets this way on the phone, I just say that someone is at my door or something fell and I need to clean it up and can I call her back. I will either call her back and start a new subject or just not call back. You won't have to do this for long: eventually they will get it and give up trying to give you advice. The other non-confrontational thing you can do is just to listen politely to their advice, thank them for giving it to you, and then do your own thing. Again, eventually they will get frustrated and give up. Your relationship with them will go on...but they will stop trying to offer advice.
I have worked hard to develop a good relationship with my in-laws by finding things to talk to them about that aren't my son: they are both very religious, so I will call them when I hear a great sermon one Sunday. We are working on the house so I call and tell them about how things are going. I also try to call them when my son is doing something new and different...but over the last few years, they have learned that the one area in which I am "stiff" is my son...they get now that they need to tread lightly when telling me what they think I should be doing. When they compare me to my sister-in-laws, I make it a point to say what wonderful moms they are and that I am glad that their method works so well for THEIR kids. I leave it at that.
At the same time: you shouldn't feel like you are responsible for your husband's relationship with his parents. If he doesn't want to call them, don't try to force it. YOU can call them...let him decide how he wants to handle them on his end. You are actually lucky that he isn't the guy who WANTS you to listen to his parent's advice all the time and do things their way...that can be tough too! :)
If I can make one more suggestions: at the end of your request you ask how to tell your mother-in-law she should be volunteering or something...that seems to be me to be very similar to what SHE is doing...if you do not want her to tell you how to live your life, I think maybe you should avoid trying to tell her what to do with hers...it might come off as hypocritical...even though your heart is in the right place, as I am sure hers is too. :)
GOOD LUCK!!!!

My husbands step-mother (WHO NEVER HAD A CHILD)has done the same thing to us. I finally told my husband that he needs to set the boundaries and we sought out a counselor to help both of us with her.
The counselor showed the best ways to deal with a judgmental person. The biggest thing is that your husband has to be the one that makes a stand. Another thing is next time they come to visit make arrangements for them to say at a hotel by saying we need our alone time everyday. Also it may come down to your husband having to make a choice between you and your son or his parents. That is what happened to us. We would talk on the phone but they were never invited over to our house or to social events. Although she did go so far to show up at our sons graduation party even though she was not invited.
This is your son and she needs to mind her business and you HUSBAND needs to make her very clear about that.

Blessings, S.

Why do husbands always dump this on their wives?

It is your husband's responsibility to tell HIS mother that her digs and complaints are not acceptable and that if it continues it will irreparably damage the relationship. HE needs to tell her that decisions about how your son will be raised will be made by you and him as a husband and wife and that while gentle advice or suggestions are fine, anything beyond that, including criticism of your decisions, will not be tolerated.

Unless she's offering to pay for schooling, she needs to be told to butt out, politely, of course.

Phew...that's a lot to take in! Here's my recommendation:

1) Don't worry about what they say and don't be so defensive about their opinions. It sounds like you all want the best for your child. In your mind, agree to disagree...listen to their suggestions, but after they leave do your own thing.

2) Suggesting your Mother-in-law get a life, is pretty bold of you. Perhaps she's perfectly content with her life the way it is...just because you aren't happy with her, doesn't mean she's unhappy. Let her live her life the way she wants, she's earned it!

3) Didn't these people raise your husband, who you love and respect? They must have done something right if you married him! Give them a break and suck it up (sorry to be so blunt). Deal with their visits...smile and be respectful, but don't get into fights...that just makes everyone upset and your son will know this as he grows up. My mother was abused by her mother and had quite a bit of contempt for her. I knew this growing up and didn't like her either. You don't want this for your son. You want him to love his grandparents (otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about it). Plus, he needs his grandparents. They can love your kids and spoil them in a way that you can't as parents.

It sounds like you are really upset about all of this. Be the bigger person and accept your in-laws for who they are and don't worry about their suggestions so much. Live your life the way you want and grin and bear it...they won't be around forever!

Best of luck! (sorry if I was too forward...tough medium to give constructive criticism). It sounds like you are a loving and caring person! I hope it works itself out. Keep your chin up!

I would like to complement you for continuing to maintain the relationship despite it's problems. If this helps, even if it is criticism on the part of the Mother In Law, tell yourself that she is really more trying to give you information about the family on the block with the four children and perhaps you can (as if you have any free time) find some organizations that might need volunteers etc. (such as museums, tutoring at schools, in their neighborhood). Sometimes someone needs a little shove and Mother IN law might be grateful. I suspect that Mother in Law misses her son and instead of encouraging her relationship with him she probably has a hard time relaying her feelings, hence the "comparison" with his sibling. You sound like you are doing an absolutely wonderful job. It is an evolution, not an ending and you are allowing it to flourish.

C.,
As I was reading you post, all I could think of is that this relationship seems like too much work! You cannot change other people or their opinions. You have to stick up for yourself and believe in your parenting ideas. Your in laws sound very controlling. They honestly need to keep their opinions to themselves unless you ask them for advice. I would keep doing what you are doing in regards to sending pictures and extending invitations, but I would have a talk with your husband about talking to his parents on his own. Any kind of fighting/arguing should not happen around your child. The older your son gets, the more they will try to be in control. Sometimes, for the sake of peace, you just have to let them say what they want and just don't respond. THey are set in their ways obviously. I do have a similiar situation with my mother-in-law. I just let it go in one ear and out the other usually. Good Luck!

You are repeating my own story, down to the inlaws who live next to their son's family and his four kids.

To be honest, my MIL was always like this, but having the kids made it so much worse that we actually stopped talking to them. We're now going to try group therapy next week, but don't expect the behavior to change (we just need an apology for her pitching a fit and yelling at me when our daughter was born -- and I was still in the hospital recovering.)

All I can say is, be pleasant. Try to find the helpful stuff and reinforce that, "Yes, I'll try that" and repeat yourself over and over and over when your MIL repeats her criticism. "That doesn't work for us. Our child is fine. Etc."

You can try having a face-to-face sitdown where you share your feelings: "I want to have a good relationship with you, I value you, but when you are critical it doesn't help." We did a version of that, but the behavior recurred.

So, draw your boundaries. You seem to have them already. You may want a couple of sessions with you, your husband, and a family therapist on how to set YOUR boundaries and reinforce them so you won't feel guilty yourself when it's your MIL's problem. More communication or less, I don't know if it will help.

Good luck.

Hi C.,
Like so many of the other responders, I have a similar situation - although you are being wayyyyy nicer about it than I currently have the patience for. After many, many fights with my mother in law, we finally broke contact after she stood in her slippers in her front yard screaming obscenities at my husband, myself AND our 6-month old daughter as we were leaving her house. We've seen her twice in the 15 months since then and only under short, very controlled circumstances. I think it's wonderful that you still want to try to have a relationship with you ILs. Here are a couple of things I have learned that may help you think of ways to adjust your communication with them/thinking of them:
1. They are not going to change. They are older and not in good health, their behavior and personality is what it is.
2. A bad relationship with the MIL and FIL doesn't have to dictate a bad relationship with all in laws. I have a fabulous relationship with my sister in law, I really don't know what I'd do without her. Sometimes that can smooth the way to the parents.
3. I have been shocked at what my MIL has managed to turn around and make my fault. She showed up at my baby shower for five minutes, and after seeing that none of her friends were there told my divorced mother if she hadn't been such a failure as a wife maybe her daughters wouldn't be so rude, and left. I said hello to her and that was my only contact with her that day. However, she managed to make that situation my fault. The point being, if you are waiting for your MIL to wake up and realize the error of her ways, it ain't gonna happen.

Bottom line, you have the benefit of distance here, but you still have to decide how you want this thing to go. If you want to get along with them, you'll probably have to do what a lot of the other moms suggest and give a lot of lip service, then ignore what she says and make your own decisions. If you want to push and make her see your side of things and change her ways, that is a much longer and more difficult road. I always keep trying to remind myself that two perfectly lovely, wonderful women sometimes just don't get along. That doesn't mean they are individually bad people, it just means they aren't meant to have a relationship.

Good luck to you,
MC

I think this is not an issue of what you can do. This is more their issue and you cannot take responsibility for their issues. I would stop acknowledging their childishness all together and act according to how you would like to interact with them. Eventually they will realize that their tantrums are ineffective and fall into line. It may take longer than expected but stay on course! Good luck! I know exactly how annoying this can be!

You've gotten some really great advice so far! One suggestion I have is starting a 'book of positive aspects' for your in-laws: sit and write down any positive things about them that you can think of. It may be tough at first and it might start with very small things, but once you start to refocus through that filter of actively seeking positive things about them you will start to notice those things more and more. And they will start to live up to your new expectations of them as they begin to sense and respond to your higher energy of appreciation.

The other thing I would suggest is doing "The Work" on your feelings about them. It's where you write down all of your stressful thoughts about something or someone and then you inquire into those thoughts with 4 simple questions:

* Is it true?
* Can you absolutely know that it's true?
* How do you react when you think that thought?
* Who would you be without that thought?

And then you turn the thoughts around to their opposites and to yourself to see what else might be as true or truer than the stressful thought you're believing. Thework.com has worksheets and much more detailed info about the process. I've found the inquiry process very helpful in dealing with my stressful thinking, including my in-laws :) and it really helps center me back to what I do have control of, which is how I choose to act and what I choose to believe about others. Good luck!

C.,
I don't have any suggestions, but an observation: You are a very kind and understanding person. You don't often see people who are truly capable of empathy in the midst of their own struggles. God bless you.
C.

I too have this same issue, though we all live in the same city. My mother-in-law constantly critcizes everything we do from our choice to put our son in day care to the fact we have taken him to a few indoor sporting events. And she is currently unemployed and really has nothing to do. The best advice I can give you is to just ask her what she does with her free-time. If she says she only spends it with her grandchildren, suggest she might be missing "adult" company/conversation. It is more than likely the case she is afraid to try to do anything new, as she is living in a new city with no friends. Maybe just outright suggesting to her she does something for herself, under the guise of her happiness, might work.

As for her interactions with you and your family, my husband is the same way in that he doesn't have much contact with his mother becuase he thinks it will encourage her. And in some ways it does. The imporant thing here is their relationship with your child. I would make it clear that you have your life, you are not living the same life as your husband's siblings (nor should you). It is difficult but she needs to respect your boundaries and also understand that if she is only going to be negative and critical, that is going to affect your child, and there are consequences. What these consequences may be, that is up to you and your husband. We flat out told my husband's parents that if they are going to only criticze what we do, how we raise our son, the time he spends with them will be limited. Some times it works, some times it doesn't.

Whatever you do, you and your husband need to stick together and keep your child's best interest in mind. Good luck!

When my MIL would come over after our son was born (her only grandchild), she'd have the attitude that I was incompetent. One day she came in while my husband was upstairs changing our son's diaper, and our son just happened to be crying. Once she heard the crying, she came barreling through saying, "Where's that baby?! Grandma's gonna take care of him!" and not in a nice tone, as if we were neglecting him. Every time she's here, she tells me (but not my husband) what to do, from what I need take our son to the doctor for (she insists our son's going to have every issue/affliction her kids did) to what we need to install in our house.

She lives a half-hour away, but rarely comes to visit, even though he is her only grandchild. We would go to her more often but sadly her house is seldom in a state that is safe for a toddler to roam around.

Thankfully her attitude about "having" to take care if him because we were incompetent has changed. First she was humbled one day when she insisted only grandma could quell his crying; she tried and tried but he only cried harder. I'd had enough of trying to appease her, said "No, he needs his momma" and took him from her, and he immediately stopped crying. Then she was humbled again when at only seven months, she realized he was getting too big for her to pick up.

My husband and I already have a history of arguing with her, and at first I would argue. But soon after I realized she wasn't going to listen, I either said "Maybe", "Hmm, we'll think about it" or best yet, a firm flat, "No, we're not doing that." She still tries to tell me what to do, but it's never an argument anymore, because I won't argue. We have also stopped asking her to come visit (my husband's idea). We are still open and accommodating to any and all visits she wants to make to our house or wants us to make to hers. Suddenly not getting any invitations and having to do all the initiating, while it has decreased the frequency of visits, I think it has made her make the most of the time she actually does see her grandchild.

But enough about me! I don't think that suggesting social/volunteering activities will help - she may resent the implication that she has nothing better to do. And it may only help her relationships with the families that live closer to her, because when she comes to visit yours, since she already feels differently about you and your husband, she will probably revert back to the same pattern of criticizing. (How does your husband's brother & sister-in-law feel about how your MIL acts towards you? Perhaps they can be your allies and do the suggestion of social activities. Or better yet, talk to your MIL about how she treats you and your husband.) I think, if it's feasible, you tell your MIL flat out that you welcome her ideas, but not in the way that they are currently being delivered. That you appreciate her concern and suggestions, and may take them into consideration, but the decision is your and your husband's only, and that will be final. And I would even say that you do not want to mar visits with arguments, and want to make the best of the time she has with your son. If she starts up an argument or anything negative, you can even remind her that things are supposed to be happy - then she sill most likely stop and feel bad that she's being the negative one. With hope, she will be conditioned to be on her best behavior so that she and your FIL can best enjoy their time with your son, AND with you and your husband.

You are doing a good thing by trying to make the most out of a bad situation, and taking your in-laws' feelings and needs into consideration. Many people wouldn't, they'd just cut it off. I wish the best for you!

I have a similiar situation with my MIL. She lives 6 hours away and the first couple of times she came to visit, it turned into fighting. After I realized my husband wasn't going to say anything, I told her that we hate to fight when she comes to visit. We get to see her so rarely, this should be a chance to catch up and enjoy her grandson. So, whenever a subject would start to come up that I knew would lead to an argument, I would change the subject or get her involved with something else. Whenever she would press the subject, I would just let her know that we hadn't even discussed it yet or had already made a decision. It that didn't do it I would let her know that my mom made the same suggestion or that the way I grew up was different. It's not exactly mean, but it gets the point across that my husband and I are 2 people from 2 different families and we are blending them together. Just to let her know that I have idea's for my son also.
You can't change them. Keep them in the loop by sending e-mails and pics. Give's them 1 less thing to complain about. But your husband might be right at keeping them at a distance. Remember, he does know them best.

I had a similar experience as a new mom. Trying to raise my children differently than my husband and I were raised appeared to make both grandmas uncomfortable. On some level they must have regrets about their parenting (as we will too since we all make mistakes). I think they subconsciously kept trying to prove they know what's best. This combined with my 'new mom' insecurity created a constant struggle. You MIL is having trouble letting go of her role as mother which has to be preferable to the role of her husbands caregiver.
I would keep the focus on feeling good about your own choices and do what you can to manage your own stress levels. As you feel more secure you will feel less need to convince others you are right. It really is true that it takes two to fight.
You dont have to fix their life to enjoy yours.

C. M,My heart goes out to you I know what it's like to be the "outside" in-law,be patient and loving with your in-laws,as much as possible live at peace with them.God gave you 2 ears,what goes into one can come out the other-in..other words,listen to what they have to say,thank them for their input and loving concern for your family and leave it at that.They are not living in your house and cannot FORCE you to do what they suggest,remember you are an ADULT and able to make wise decisions and don't need to be lead by the hand as if you were a child.Continue to send e-mails of photos and concern to them as often as possible and let them know you love and care for and about them when ever possible.
On the other hand you cannot force them to seek other sources of social outlet as they must do that for themselves,as they too,are adults and must make their own decisions.
Thank God that your husband is not buying into their wanting to control what goes on in your home. It seems as if he wants to stand on his own 2 feet, and make you and your child his 1st priority....thank him for that and follow his lead as head of your family. He has history with his parents and has chosen a make life with you and your child,regardless as to his love for them.It seems like you come first,and that is as it should be,so be thankful and don't invite trouble living on the street of "what If"....
Should your in-laws come to visit,be loving and thankful for the time they have taken to spend time with you,considering the health of your father-in-law.Swallow any words that could be misundersttod or lead to an arguement,and remind yourself that they are only in your home for a short time. When you get up in the morning ask God for help in getting you throught the day in a pleasant manner,one that honors your husband and his parents.After all they must have done some things right or you wouldn't have been attracted and drawn to him enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him:)
I guess what I'm saying is be thankful that they want to be a part of your life and remember life is short so live at peace with one another as far as it is in your control to do so.
Blessings,
P.

Please don't give up.I know things are strained at present,not just for you,but them too.This sounds like a combination of my life.My mother-in-law and I have had many a turbulent time during the couse of my 32year marriage.We also had many good times.My father-in-law passed away just after our 3rd anniversary,leaving her a widow for 29years.Living with her for five years, in her house,with three young children was the worst.Honestly when we moved out,I didn't call her often,much less take the kids to see her.Many times she was more concerned with her daughters' and nephew's children,than ours.Six years ago we moved her near us,even though she lived in the next town.The last three years she lived with us.At the end I became her caretaker.Although frustrating,the last few months were awesome.Dementia is a very challenging disease.She became lost without me.We prayed together every night that last month.I heard, "I love you" more in the last two years than the previous thirty combined.As a matter of fact,those were her last spoken words and I got them.I am honored to have had that time with her.
Back to my parents.Both of my parents have been battling illness for many years.We nearly lost my dad many times during the last seven years.He passed away three weeks before my mother-in-law.We weren't ready for that.Figured it was the routine,"he's bad but will get better again".He got better.For good.His passing was a blessing in many ways.
My mom isn't doing so well.She's had many health problems for years.We nearly lost her this year,too. My parents stopped socializig as his health declined.Mom is just not strong enough to do much now.
So please.Just love them.Pray for them.Ask our merciful God to guide you through this difficult time.May you also be rewarded with their love.God Bless. ML

Honestly, I think you need to leave it alone. The more you call and worry about the way they are running their lives the more they will try to run yours. These are your husbands parents and it isn't up to you to keep the peace. Although they are elderly I would guess they wouldn't appreciate knowing how you are trying to plan for "their well being". Also, don't be so sensitive about what they think of you. They live in another state, so let them live there. You are only asking for trouble.

In general, my impression is that their words and actions come from love and entitlement. Grandparent relationships have changed so much from what they experienced with their parents and observed with their own grandparents.

Often times when people are very critical of their children's parenting skills, it stems from some of their own regret in past parenting decisions long ago. Who wouldn't want a second chance to do it much better?

It seems like you both have already tried to nicely explain that the choice is not their's to make. Try and stay focused on what the grandchild deserves. Grandparent relationships are unique gifts. Good/Bad?Indifferent, no one is going to care more for your child (after you and your husband) than grandparents. Unfortunately, it is up to you to define and enforce the boundaries. (BTW, telling them to get a life may be perceived as pushing their boundaries and accomplishing ver little.)

How do some of these lines work?:

"I know you are sharing your thoughts with us about "plans and ideas about schools" because you care so deeply for "wonderful son's name," like all of your grandchildren. After carefully listening to both "grandma's and grandpa's" opinions, "your husband's name" and I will choose (or have already chosen) his educational path.

If you receive criticism---

When you make comments like that, it does not change our decision but wears on (or damages) our relationship with you. "Husband's name" and I care for (or love) you both very much and actively facilitate "wonderful son's name" 's new bond with you.

If comparisons to the other daughter-in-laws emerge:

We are so happy that you both want to be actively involved in "wonderful son's" life. And, I can see how it can be confusing for you, since "other daughter-in law" often solicits your opinions. But, "husband" and I are confident in our parenting decisions so far, and will seek out your many years of experience when we feel we need it.

Good Luck!

My husband and I have a similar situation to yours, except that my ILs are only about an hour away from us. MY SIL is a single mom who lives with MIL & FIL, so they are very involved in all decisions regarding SIL's son (my nephew). For some reason, they believe this means they get to make all the decisions about my kids, too. I have found that when they start telling me what to do, I just smile and nod or sometimes say "I'll consider that" and then do my own thing. If it gets really bad (if they are criticizing something that we've already done and won't let it go) I just leave and let my husband deal with it. If this happens at our house, I tell them we're done discussing it. Yes, we have had a great deal of strife while they adjust to their new role as grandparents rather than parents. But I will not have someone undermining my relationship with my kids nor will I stand for someone making personal attacks on me. I do want my children to learn dipolmacy.

There is something else I want to say -- people have given you good advice about "being the bigger person" and "having respect for them since they raised your husband". I don't want to say those people are wrong. But you and your husband are the ones who know the situation best. I just wanted to let you know that if your ILs continue to meddle and ruin their relationship with you, you don't actually owe them anything. If you are trying your best to get along but someone else continues to undermine and belittle you, to criticize your every move in front of your children, to cause so much strife that you don't want to even talk to them -- then stop being so nice. You're husband has the right idea by "not encouraging them". He knows they aren't going to change. If you want advice from people with IL problems, go to www.motherinlawstories.com and post on the message boards. There are many, many people who have been in your situation. People who have parents and ILs who are generally well meaning and nice people but occassionally do something annoying don't understand how really bad and crazy it can be. Some husbands (and wives) turn out wonderful in spite of their families, not because of them.

I had this problem with my own mother, which did not make it any easier. She critizied all of my choices which were extremely different then hers and I think somehow that was threatening to her. (She is also just very controlling period). I finally realized that arguing with her was pointless so I started just agreeing with her! I would say, Oh that's a good idea. Or I'll think about that or whatever and then of course, ignore her suggestions that didn't work for me. The point is to be sincere about it, to give them validation that you do value their opinion. But ultimately it is you and your husband's decision. And sometimes she did have decent ideas, but generally a different approach then mine. She gradually stopped being so critical when she understood I was going my own way no matter what, and hey my kid was turning out great.

I totally feel your pain. I also have issues. The best thing to do is have your husband lay down the law. He has to live with you not them. I have to call my in-laws twice a day, they live in AZ close to their daughter and her family. They visit twice a year here or there. Good luck. Make your husband take more control of the issue.