Monster in Law

If you just keep busy there is no room for casual conversation that could likely lead to a moment of a tension. You have done a great job by creating some guidelines...now you just have to work on having a little thicker skin and just try and keep busy...

I have the same situation, maybe our husbands are somewhat related. She must be a mother of just boys. NO daughters right?
I made my husband go with me to therapy..highly suggest it! It is hard to get husbands to see things about thier moms, remember it is still his mom.
However..you need help this weekend, right?
My suggestion is to first take a deep breath...take a moment to realize that all you can do is the best you can. You do not need her approval nor her love to make you complete. Her issues are her own and not yours unless you make them yours. Her behavior is her own...you have no right to control it, stop trying. Try not to extend any energy to acknowledge her bad attitude because I have learned by acknowledging it..whether getting defensive or just returning the attitude it is like they win! therefor, if you can just choose to acknowledge the things that are truly most important and ingnore her rudeness you will feel much better off. Also.. every time she addresses you...say we (meaning you and your husband, it will drive her crazy)
Other option..You could always step it up and sit her down and straighten her out. If you choose not to, try to think of this, be so thankful she is not your mother! You shouldn't have to deal with her stuff. let it be hers.
I hope this helps. Hang in there...

M.,

I've been in the same position....you've set the boundaries and you HAVE TO KEEP THEM. if she acts up ask her to leave. its yours and your husbands house....as far as the hubby goes he has to cut the apron strings and live his life with you and your child. i'm not saying cut the mother in law out completely but she has to have some respect for you and your family. good luck with the weekend. i'll keep my fingers crossed for you. M. - Sayreville, NJ

M.,
You need to tell your husband that you understand she is his mother and that he loves her....but you are his wife and he needs to stand by your side no matter what! I had a similar issue with our wedding although not to the extreme that you had, I actually get along with my mother in law now!!! But you definately have to set boundaries and have to get your husband to stand by you.
When she starts getting on your nerves this weekend...throw your little one in the stroller and take a LONG walk and enjoy time with your baby....without her!!!!

Good luck!

A.

i honestly feel sorry for you. i think you are right for setting up rules though. but i am worried about the fact that he doesnt do anything about anything. you have to understand it in the way that she is his mother and he is going to value her opinion and things like that but she does sound horribly out of control. i would tell him the next time an incident happens that if he doesnt fix this problem you wont be home and neither will the baby when she comes. he can visit by himself..that is my opinion. but it sounds to me like you are going about things the right way..but as far as this weekend..i can only say good luck!

KUDOS to Dawn O for her response. I really like that. I also second the fact that you take this visit and get your self a medi/pedi...let her have mom & son time and just get out of there for a while. It's a difficult relationship as a rule so when you add in all these other crazy factors...

Hope it goes well. Let us know.

Have you tried talking to her yourself? Has your husband ever said anything to her about her behavior? I really think that you need to get him on the same page as you and sit her down and have a talk. Most people when confronted by a united front will fold. Stay polite and use a non-confrontational tone but be firm. Tell her how you feel and ask her what her problem is. Most people will not be able to tell you...it's alot easier to be mean without being direct. I think your husband needs to wake up and see that this is going to put a strain on your marriage and it's his mother so he needs to step up and help you out. My husband and I have a unwritten rule in our home...if it's my family that's the problem then I deal with it and if it's his then he deals with it. It's alot better coming from your family than your in-law most of the time. Sometimes, we both do the talking. But you definitely need his support on this. I hope things get better for you.

Good for you for setting boundaries with her! She needs them, and you need to protect yourself. I have a difficult father-in-law and I have accepted that he is unhappy and grouchy and that's his problem. I do my best not to make it mine and not to let him interfere with my happiness. I must say, though, that your problem is as much with your husband as it is with your mother-in-law. You may not be able to change him, but you should let him know how it feels to you when he does not support you. You need to set boundaries with him, also. If he continues to put up with her, that's his problem, but let him know that you won't be a part of it. He will have to see that there are consequences to his behavior as well. Good luck! www.livingreenathome.com

Hi, M.,
I would say that what you are doing now is appropriate... she sounds like a bitter old woman, who is lonely and who does not deal with loss or change very well. As for coping, this will sound lame but it's what i do with people that get me angry untill i can go somewhere and vent... I'd let everything roll off my back like water. unless she gets help she will always be like that... so when she gets difficult smile at her, nod, then do what you need to. Consider her feelings but don't go crazy trying to please her. And for your husband; he needs to uderstand that she DOES make things extremely difficult for you, and needs to be supportive, though it sounds like he's a bit of an enabler by letting her do what she wants and not putting HIS foot down. The only other thing i can say is to try and have a discussion WITH her. Tell her how her behavior makes you feel and ask her if that is an intentional side effect, force her to acknowledge(if you can) that her behavior is childish, rude and unacceptible to everyone she comes into contact with.
hope this helps
-N.

If I were you you I would spend the day getting a mani/pedi and maybe a little shopping while your monster-in-law had a nice visit with her son and grandchild. Good Luck!

Just wondering...have you tried sitting down and talking with her one on one?

Sounds like you've already taken steps to draw boundaries. Some people are just miserable and self fish and think everyone else owes them something. Its a bit sad. Have you ever sat her down and asked her point blank what her problem is? Instead of making excuses for her, your husband should be involved in resolving the issue since she seems to be dependent on him. Definitely NOT a healthy situation. Though your son is young now he will surely sense the hostilities when he gets older.

Good luck.
K.

Hi Maria - I can definitely understand where you are coming from - in a way. My monster-in-law is a bit different but almost like yours. My husband and his mother have had a stressed relationship for a long time and I kept my mouth shut for far too many years until recently. I made the two of them sit down together and talk about their issues. I had to be the facilitator throughout the whole thing but I got them to be respectful of each other. The way I did it was by threatening to keep my daughter - who is now 8 months old- away from the family. My monster-in-law has one attitude toward me and another toward my husband - her oldest child and only son by the way. She has made me very uncomfortable in the past especially at my bridal shower but I ignored it until recently when her and my husband went too far by having a screaming match in the middle of the street. That's when I demanded that they resolve their issues or I was taking drastic measures. I hope this works for you - good luck but sometimes we as the outsiders must take the initial step to help "the Family".

M.,
I have written this same letters to so many people. For the exact same reasons. I have a monster-in law that makes your sound like a day at the beach. my advice, put her in her place on your treams. you know the old saying. Your house your rule. that double's for monster- inlaws....

M.,
wow, she sounds like a real beast.My heart goes out to you. I went through something similar with sister in law... a real beast as well. first off, kudos, it is hard enough making a relationship work and raising a family under the best of circumstances. Unfortunately, I think you have used all defenses possible. try to remember that in your house you are " queen" and anywhere else you are her equal and deserve respect. She will always be his mother and always feel as if she has a "right" to act in a horrible way. Perhaps if you let her know again that her negative behavior will prevent her from spending time with her grandchild. I hate to encourage blackmail, but in truth your family needs warm,loving, nurturing atmosphere, not disrespect and chaos( the kids will take care of that). Good luck!

You really cant change her or even change him too much. You can only love the one you love and take a deep breath and deal with the one you dont love if you want your marriage to work. Anything else is going to drive you crazy and steal your joy in the good that is in your marriage. If its any consulation - you seem to be handeling the situation with both wisdom and grace as well as an unusual amount of balance. Stay strong - and when you need a shoulder find one and vent like hell and then grab hold of what's good and keep moving on.
sending a big hug
D.