Meddling Inlaws

The thing that helped with my Mother in law was talking to my Husband and deciding together what we would say to her and then we had a talk with her together.That seemed to help for her to see we were on the same page.We also stayed very calm trying not to yell at her so that she realized we were coming to her out of love.My Husband has always been the same way where he would make excuses for her and such.He did however do this with me because they don't want Mom and wife fighting either.

If you love the BF and want to work it out for a better relationship then work towards a unified parental front. Distancing yourself and your family from the inlaws is fine. If you can't work things out...give yourself a timeline...and if things aren't to a better place by 6 months and you can afford to move...do it. Life is too short to deal with that kind of junk. Your first focus needs to be on being the best mother and role model for your children as possible. If the BF isn't supportive, or unwilling to commit completely to you and his children as their father figure...why are you staying? I would prefer to be alone and happy and providing a healthy environment for my children than dealing with small pettiness like you're describing. I am a very strong-minded, confident person and can assure you that I would quickly distance myself and my children from anyone who continually tried to drag me through the mud...without a second thought. Let me reiterate that my first statement was: if you love the BF and find redeeming qualities in him - try to work out a solution together. If he is unwilling to join you in a solid commitment to a healthier atmosphere for your family and finding a solution...make a timeline...and stand by it. Just because they're inlaws doesn't mean they have to be in your business every day. Our families have never lived closer than 600 miles and we make it just fine. No, you don't have free baby-sitting and taxi services, but you can make things work on your own. It sounds like they baby your BF (by telling you that you should be a better GF and getting involved with the vehicles, etc.) and if he is the father of 3? children...that should be way more than a thing of the past. That kind of nit-picking constant stress is simply not healthy for anyone. Period. When you respect yourself...others will also. If they don't...they aren't worth your time. Keep it clean and don't burn bridges...put on a professional face and disect the problem systematically. Much luck!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not going to advocate speaking with your bf about this. He's not helping the problem but your issue is with them, take it to them.

The truth is that all older adults feel like they have a right to run our lives. The chances of that double when we have kids and quadruples if you ever need their help.

I lived in a relationship like this during Highschool and the next few years after. I finally couldn't take it and after the years of saying, I'm an adult and this is my child, well I asked for a divorce and was took to the cleaners, they even took my child.

When my current husband's family tried the same thing, I put them in their place. Me, not my husband, told them point blank, if you expect any kind of respect from me then you need to respect my rules and guidelines, period. After 10 years of very limited contact they get the point. But we had to move out of their neighborhood to achieve it. (our main problem is that the younger siblings still live at home and have drugs at the house, we're not the only kids that have made this rule.)

Like you were told before, pick your battles. Candy and pop are part of being a doting grandparent. Make sure you get the kids to brush more often on those days. Make sure the kids are getting lots of floridated water too. I know the tap water around Pawnee can be kinda iffy and bottled water is great but it lacks the floride that they could get from tap water.

Perhaps it would be best to cancel this vacation until you have better boundaries. You don't want to send mixed messages to them or your kids. Like, I don't want you to disrespect me in front of my kids but I'm willing to take it in order to get to go on vacation, uh, not in my lifetime.

To get through this you could adopt 5 ideas from a book on Oprah's Best you you can be reading list: The 4 Agreements, Toltec Wisdom by Don Miguel Ruiz
~It's not what people say about/to you it's the way you take it
~Don't take anything personally
~Don't make assumptions
~Be impeccable in your word
~Do the best you can

For instance, if you don't want them participating in school functions then don't tell them about the function.

If you tell them to myob, then don't go to them with any problems.

Personally, I think there's something about that area that just makes people nuts. I lived in Cleveland for 5 years and the level of actual adult behavior up there was much more questionable than I have seen anywhere else in the state.

I feel that you need to talk to your boyfriend and get this settle before you vacation. Like you said you dont want it brought up during the vacation it would ruin everything for everyone. Sounds to me that your boyfriend needs to get a spine and stand up for you, you are his girlfriend not his mom. I hope you the best and Good-Luck!

You need to talk with your bf about all this and how it makes you feel and give him a chance to talk with them about it, however if he does talk to them and it continues or if he doesnt talk to them then you need to step up and tell them how you feel and tell them it needs to stop.

OMG - you are stuck going on vacation with them for TWO ENTIRE WEEKS? abort, abort (not babies - the vacation). Get sick or whatever. This is just too long a period to be stuck with people who are under your skin...

Honestly Bobbie, I am sure some people will have good, solid advice for you but you are in a pickle. The very first thing that needs to happen is that you and your boyfriend need to somehow get on the same page. I can sense that you're angry at him for not being supportive, but somehow you've got to put your anger aside long enough to have a heart-to-heart with him and see where he stands. If he "gets it" then you guys could maybe identify the two or three things that bug you the MOST. Then he needs to gently but firmly support you on these things until they change, so that you don't have to do all the bad-guy act yourself.

You said you guys have been living together for a long time. Do you have any clue why this is starting up all the sudden? I suppose you could try taking your stepmom out to lunch and just putting it to her, like, "You know, we seem to be irritating each other alot lately. Can we figure out a way to stay off each other's nerves? I'd like to get back to a good place." And just see what she says.

Good luck to you, Bobbie. I do not envy you this vacation at all! You will definitely need a vacation after the vacation.

I completely understand...not to the extent that you do but still.....Tell them to back off. If you get mad enough tell them "Im the mom, what I say goes." Be honest and tell them you need a private life without them and that what goes on with your family is none of their business. Its hard confronting family, but thats too much to handle. Youre the mom and if they dont like it threaten to not come around anymore with your kids. You may see a very sudden change. Best of luck to you!!!
--S.

Bobbie,

I completely understand your frustration regarding your boyfriends step mom. Our family didn't understand why we don't allow our son candy and soda either. We were the most horrible parents because we didn't allow him to enjoy anything. I gave in gracefully and told our parents and family they can give him candy or soda (after his first birthday)but they were to brush his teeth after the treat and before bed. He is now 5 and his teeth are checked regularly and we have not had one cavity. If he were to get one they would be responsible for the bill. This is more effective if they are handed an estimate with all possible charges. The descriptions are enough to make anyone change their mind about giving children candy or soda. About the other problems you are having. Remember that you teach people how to treat you. And, it doesn't matter how hard being a stay at home mom is, to them your at home and he is earning your living. I am sorry you are having inlaw problems with your boyfriend's parents. By the way... after 6.5 years together why aren't you married?

Hi Bobbie, Im first gonna say you need to have a conversation about your in-laws with your boyfriend. Tell him where you stand and where the boundries are.

Next I'm gonna say pick your battles, I can see that you don't want somebody telling you how to raise your children, I wouldn't want anyone to do it to me either. On the pop and candy issue if they are only getting with your in-laws and not with you is it really going to hurt anything or anybody.

And the next thing is if you make a big deal out of things then they will to. Some people in this world thrive on drama and are not happy unless they have a whole pot of it. So if you let some issue's roll of your back I gaurantee you they'll stop. That's why I said pick your battles, pick the ones that are most important to you. Hope this helps W.

I have been in your shoes. When my husband and I were engaged and I was pg with #3. Keep in mind that we lived together. He was told I was not allowed to come to his sister's graduation, and as far as making me feel like a bad parent they have done that to me. It has gotten better since we got married, but its still not perfect. Some families like to be up in everyones buisness. My husbands is like that. I'm not used to that. You have two choices. You can either smile, nod and walk away, or tell them how they are making you feel. They may not even realize how they are making you feel

My advice would be to talk directly to his dad and step mom. Don't be rude about it but be confident and matter of fact. You could say something like, "You know, I'm really thankful for everything you do for my kids and I'm glad they have grandparent's who care about them, but, when you ___(insert their annoying behavior here)____ it makes me feel like you're telling me how to raise them or that I'm a bad parent." I've had to do this with my own mother many times!!! She just thinks she's showing how much she loves my daughter by being involved. I don't think they mean to make you feel like that, they're just older and wiser in their book. Maybe they think they are helping and are just acting as concerned parents/grandparents.

I think you should think about the good things they do for the kids as well. Having involved grandparents is more than some kids have and I think its really important to foster those relationships. That doesn't mean you have to take their meddling if it is really inappropriate or intrusive. But you don't have to start World War 3 over it either. Alot of times when people are approached about thier behavior in a confident, non threatening way, they'll back down knowing you have it under control.

Bobbie,

Well I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know what it's like my in-laws are the same way. Thats why I moved out of state. I don't think you are treating them bad you need to stand up for what you think is right. I wouldn't let the kids go with your in-laws if they can't do what you asked them not to do. Your in-laws are trying to make you feel like you are not a good mother,I think you are a good mother you take care of your kids. Your boyfriend you need to sit him down and talk to him tell him to watch what go on for a week and then let you know what he sees. I think everyone is trying to see how long they can walk all over you and see how much you will take.
If you have to you and your boyfriend could move. For right now I would just put your foot down and see how long they can deal with not spending time with the kids with out you around. They are trying to make you feel little well you are not. You need to stand up for yourself if you don't no one will. Don't let them walk all over you any more. Good luck hope everything goes well God bless! Any more questions let me know.